Alternative writings

More harping on the character stuff. Another comment/response:

Which ironically kind of dovetails with the original question, because the time that I actually felt like my characters were acting independently of me, it turned out I was doing some really bad roleplaying and needed to take a break.

I imagine this is so because he felt like he didn't have control of his characters reactions. Which really, is a good thing. Because if they're acting independently it means that they're fully functional "people". And so what if you don't have "control".

[Poll #1089963]

*so totally didn't write an essay about the sexuality in DaVinci Code*



Speaking of which, I felt I needed to better summarize the ending of the Code better than "I want a grilled cheese sandwich" which while very true isn't actually... good in the analyzing sense. But it was late and I was tired and hungry.

First of all, the ending was extremely pat. The bad guys got their 'due' other than that nothing bad happened. Everything was tied up neatly.

Silas died (finally) and he was the guy who went around shooting people so it "fits" that he dies of gun shot wounds. This is Brown being ironic. I think it would have been more satisfying if Silas had been arrested and taken back to prison which is his own personal hell. He had tried so hard to redeem himself and instead became the demon instead of the angel. That would have also been more dramatic as Silas realizes what he has done and what the consequences are.

We also see what happens to the Cell Phone Bishop, who lives and will live happily ever after. CPB didn't do anything evil and instead was merely misguided (but then again he had absolutely nothing to do with the plot having never interacted with any other character) so he was injured but is allowed to redeem himself by being healed.

Teabag on the other hand is being muzzled and labeled as a mad man. He was the one however who tried to reveal the truth but now anything he says will be considered ravings of a loony. This too is Ironic. And he gets his Just Reward.

Our incompetent Police chief who was merely misled is given a second chance. Instead of taking the fall for trying to convict the wrong man on a high profile case, his reputation is save and he is allowed to continue on as before with the assurances that as long as he doesn't run into another Brown Hero he is an excellent police man.

Finally Sophie was allowed to regain her family. She thought she had lost her grandmother and brother but instead found them. There she was able to learn about her family secret and was granted the chance to continue her grandfather's legacy as the Holy Grail. All the bad things in her past with her grandfather have been washed away so that she can begin anew.

As for Langdon is free, he has found the Holy Grail and can now go on to the next adventure that awaits him where he'll probably not have sex with the next woman he meets.

Today's strange fact: There's a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in our fridge that my dad brought to the marriage. They'll have been married thirty three years on the twenty third.

Page 403 of 459 with big pictures! We're in the home stretch!

Sophie and Langdon finally get to Newton's tomb... with Orbs. And winged naked boys, and "an enormous orb". Large fleshy orbs. Well maybe not that. But still. Yammering about celestial bodies and Venus and yes. Blah, blah. \~/

And then they noticed that someone put some graffiti on Newton's tomb in pencil. Barely visible. Which makes me wonder... what if they didn't see it? I mean, that's taking a very big risk. Anyway it says, "I have Teabag. Go through Chapter House, out south exit, to public garden." Grammar killing me, must shoot, random people. Forced to talk, like Shatner,help, trapped in fortune cookie, factory can't get out. \~/

Sap... I almost wrote Saphira here. Which is interesting, because Sophie appears to have about the same roll in the Code as Saphira does in Eragon. Something to think about. Useless female sidekicks? ANYway, Sophie and Langdon discuss whether or not this could be a trap and stuff. And they decide to go and do it. Blah blah blah, they go to the Chapter House. \~/ \~/ \~/

There is lots of description. I skip over it. \~/

Finally they get to thingy and in there they see...\~/

Wait for it. \~/


Continue waiting for it. \~/


Keep on going...\~/











Teabing. With a gun pointed at them. \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

*GASP* \~/

*guzzles bottle*

*hic*

Heeee... *giggles*

*passes out*

*returns to waking with a massive hangover*

Riiiiight.

Now we get the Villain's Monologue ©. \~/

No Really. Three pages of it. \~/

First he tells us that he had been trying to keep them out of harms way, but their persistence has put them in danger. That he had no intention of them being involved and that this all their fault because they came to him for help. Also, if he wanted to hurt them, they'd be dead by now.

He continues saying that he's a deeply honorable man and would only sacrifice people who were betrayed the holy grail. He discovered a horrible truth; the priory wasn't going to release the documents at the End of Days. Grandpa didn't do it because he felt that the time wasn't right. It wasn't the End of Days. He says that he killed Grandpa and the others because they betrayed the grail.

Some gobbilty gook about the church being evil and making grandpa sell out. And that he wanted to tell Sophie the truth about her family. The deaths of her mom, dad, grandma and brother were not accidental. The Church killed them to keep Grandpa silent. His proof of all this is that the new millennium has arrived and the word hasn't come out. Since Teabag felt that Grandpa had betrayed the grail, he had been dead a long time ago and thus he didn't kill grandpa. And that now grandpa is free of his pane and shame.

Now they're free to fulfill their destiny of releasing the news of the holy grail to the world.


Now, look at this. First of all, we have no idea how Teabag got from out of the back seat of the car since Remy clearly didn't know he was the Teacher. And Teabag was clearly at the park before Remy got there and clearly tied up before hand. Then, who put him in charge of deciding what is the right thing for the Priory to do? Is he apart of it? No. But he's some... nitwit who's obsessed to freakish levels with it. I mean obviously psychotic levels of it. And how does he know when it's the End of Times? Does he have a calendar? I mean really, aren't there supposed to be signs for the End Of Times? \~/ \~/

I think he's been reading too much Jack Chick. \~/

Deep breath. Breath. I can breath.

Langdon has an intelligent thought. Get out of there.

Teabag gives them the Keystone back as a token of trust.

He then uses the fact that Landon and Sophie randomly came to his house with the Keystone is proof that his cause is just. I have no idea how that one works. \~/ \~/ \~/

Apparently Remy Did know that Teabag was the Teacher. Which COMPLETELY contradicts something Remy thought earlier, where he thought that it would be great to get away from Teabag. And then he poisoned Remy.

Finally He says,

"Listen. Can you hear it? The Grail is speaking to us across centuries. She is begging to be saved from the Priory's folly. I implore you both to recognize this opportunity. There could not possibly be three more capable people assembled at this moment to break the final code and open the cryptex." Teabag paused, his eyes alight. "We need to swear an oath together. A pledge of faith to one another. A knight's allegiance to uncover the truth and make it known."

My... I'm just... trying to find the words to describe the utter words of lacking here that... just can't describe my feeling here. There. Are. No. Words. Just. No. Words.

*guzzles another bottle*

*Cries*

*scurries off somewhere to hide*

Drinks: 23 and two bottles

Da Vinci Code Manic style. I'm hoping to finish the book by the fifteenth. Cause that's when it's due back at the library and I don't really feel like checking it out again. Though I suppose I could renew it.

We are back with Bobo and Teabag's estate. To be more precise in Teabag's barn loft. There we learn that they have an eavesdropping system and that whoever is there has been collecting information for over a year now. There are five people on the list that are bugged.

Colbert Sostaque - Chairman of the Conseil Constitutionnel
Jean Chaffee - Curator, Musee du Jeu de Paume
Edouard Desrochers - Senior archivist, Mittarrand Library
Jacques Sauniere - Curator, Musee du Louvre
Michel Brenton - Head of DAS (French Intelligence)

The agent finds that number four is of obvious concern. However I would think that the fact that someone was spying on the head of the DAS which is part of French Intelligence would be of more concern, especially since he's dead now. I mean Michel is a bit more important than some curator of a museum. Also number one, Colbert is the head of the thingy that makes sure that the constitution is up held. Very important that. Plus there's no indication in the list who is more important that the others. Again, I would think that Colbert and Michel are more important that Jacques, especially since they were all killed on the same night. But that's just me, but why should logic get in the way of the All Consuming Story?!

Apparently they -Teabag or Remy - bugged Jacques office in the Louvre. The question I have, is what is the likelihood that he would be discussing secret Priory secrets in his office at work? But then again, if they hadn't then Bobo wouldn't realize that his entire conversation at the Louvre had been recorded, but I'm not sure what the importance of that is. Oh, wait never mind. That's how the Teacher knew how to tell Silas to go after Langdon and Sophie. What I want to know is how did they get into Jacques' office to bug it.

Back to Silas. He's waiting for Remy to finish tying up Teabag with some rope that happened to be in the trunk of the car. No. Really. "His hands felt damp on the keystone as he waited for Remy to finish tying and gagging Teabing in back with the rope they had found in the trunk." There are no words to describe my hatred of that sentence. So, SOMEHOW they were lucky enough to have rope in the trunk of a Jaguar limousine. Yes. Perfectly plausible. After all, why you never know when you might need to tie some random person up. Yup. Perfectly logical.

*shoots Brown*

And Remy and Silas drive off. And then the Teacher calls. He's happy to hear that Silas is still alive. Yay. And then the Teacher says that he wants Silas to come to him. Strangely, my mind turned that sentence (the one I just wrote) as dirty. Obviously, I need a sex life. But actually he wants Remy to bring it to him. Silas is sad. =( But it turns out the Teacher wants Remy to deliver the keystone so that he may be Dealt With. Silas is not happy about this, because he feels that Remy did what he had to do. Actually, this is one point where I actually feel connected to Silas. He really doesn't want to hurt Remy because he doesn't think the man did anything wrong and was just trying to do the job the Teacher set out for him to do and now he's going to get punished for it.

The Teacher then talks to Remy and tells him to drop Silas off at the Opus Dei Hostel and go somewhere else where they can talk.

Meanwhile, Langdon and Sophie go to the library to get help with some information on finding the knight's tomb. To be specific they go to King's College (which we are told had been established by King George IV in 1829). They want to use the Databases there because the King's College Research Institute in Systematic Theology scanned in a lot of documents dealing with the Vatican and religion and all sorts of fun stuff like that. They do a search. I feel like I'm wondering why the didn't use Google. She says it'll take about fifteen minutes to do the complete search. When they give the Librarian the full limerick, she sees "Rosy Flesh and Seeded Womb" And automatically thinks about the Holy Grail. If every one knows about this, then why is it such a big deal if it comes out? She says it'll take about fifteen minutes to do the complete search.

I'm just saying.

I also think Google would have been faster. But that's just me.

So, while they wait, they have tea.

Meanwhile, Silas gets dropped off at the Opus Dei place, prays in his underwear and has some tea and bread before going to sleep. Awwww... And then the guy answering the phones gets a call from the cops saying they're after Silas and keep him where he is. They're sending cops over as they speak.

And then we go back to Remy. I'm beginning to feel like Brown suffers from ADHD because he can't stay with any one character more than a few pages, unless he's pontificating on something. Actually, we go to the Teacher. Who thinks about pelicans. I dunno why, except it gives Brown another reason to stick in random information about how the original ones were a gift to Charles II from the Russian ambassador. Do you care? No? Neither do I. Remy pulls up to the Teacher who is handed the keystone. The teacher asks about the gun and if it was wiped down and replaced in the glove box. Which it was.

They then have a drink of Cognac. \~/ which tastes salty. Somehow... the cognac, which the Teacher had been drinking from previously... has become poisoned. I'm not really sure how that one works. And... Brown doesn't explain it.

As the Teacher approached the front passenger door of the parked limousine, Remy leaned across and opened the door. The teacher paused outside, taking a pull from the flask of cognac he was carrying. Then, dabbing at his mouth, he slid in besides Remy and closed the door.

...

"Excellent." The Teacher took another drink of cognac and handed the flask to Remy. "Let's toast our success. The end is near."

Remy accepted the bottle gratefully. The cognac tasted salty, but Remy didn't care. He and the Teacher were truly partners now.

... The swelling in Remy's throat came on like an earthquake, and he lurched against the steering column, grabbing his throat and tasting vomit in his narrowing trachea. He let out a muted croak of a scream, not even loud enough to be heard outside the car. The saltiness of the cognac now registered.

I'm being murdered!

And then the teacher gets in the car and drives off. We never learn how the Teacher accomplishes this. He doesn't even think about it. Instead he's worried about dealing with Langdon and Sophie.

And then we flash over to Cell Phone Bishop who gets in a police car. He hears on the police chatter the address of the Opus Dei centre and demands to be taken there are once! *GASP!*

I think I'm gonna stop now, before it gets too long to read and ruins the friends lists.

Hey, look! It's the Da Vinci Code! Remember that? I finally got things settled down to pick it up again.

FLEE!!

*coughs*

They are at the Templar's church, which is round, because it's pagan. Of course. Then I get a horrible image. "The threesome wound through a maze of buildings..." I did NOT need to imagine the three of them having sex thank you very much. I would have rather he have said, "The three of them wound through a maze of buildings..."

Moving on, they connive their way into the church. They pretend they're the descendants of the biggest donor of the church (whose been dead a Very Long Time)and they need to disperse the big donors ashes in the sanctuary. The altar boy believes them, reluctantly. Instead of just not letting them in. Even though he's been there for several years and he's never heard of such a tradition. He doesn't even think about calling the priest to double check it.

Get into the church, Teabag talking about how clever he was. They look around blah, blah, and we cut to Remy in the alley.

There's a bad POV shift. From Remy to Silas. Remy cuts Silas free. And Remy knows Silas's name. He wanted to free Silas earlier and he works for the Teacher. *GASP* Remy works for Teabag! Teabag must be the Teacher! Oh NOES! Langdon and Sophie are in trouble!! However, Brown tries to blindside us by making it seem like Remy is just spying for the Teacher.

And we cut to Fache (the police chief) who interrogates the pilot of Teabag's plane and actually gets information from him, as opposed to the British police who was utterly incompetent and allowed them to get away. The pilot mentions that they put a box in the safe. Fache wants them to open the safe. He then calls up Cell Phone Bishop and tells them that they're still looking for Silas. Fache says that the Bishop isn't the only one on the verge of losing everything. Dun Dun DUUUUH!!

Back at the church, they go looking around at the different knight tombs. Lots of round orbs. Lots of fleshy orbs. *coughs* No, sorry. Sophie wonders if Grandpa's sex ceremony was performed in the church. (Would there have been upside down crosses... oh wait that's Satanism... my bad) She makes it to the final tomb and notices that there is something different about it than the others. They talk about how this tenth tomb is funny because there's no body. I mean sculpture of a body.

Altar boy shows up and tells them that they're effigies not tombs and Teabag is SHOCKED! SHOCKED ! I tell you to learn this. Which is an utter fallacy on Brown's part. Teabag is supposed to be one of the leading authorities on the Templars and Priory of Scion and yet he doesn't know that there aren't any real bodies under the stone knights, something that had been discovered in 1950. Something, that Teabag should have known since it was discovered so long ago. This feels like a plot hole. But I imagine it's more like Brown wanted to show off what he knew about the church and talk about how they're pagan. Like everything else.

Altar boy wanders off and gets a gun in his forehead in his head and a hot feeling in his groin. The actual sentence is "The altar boy felt his groin grow hot and realized he had wet himself." Now having discussed this with dergerm he says that yes, this does happen. However I'm imagining another sort of um... wetting going on here, especially from the phrasing. Once again, Dan is a master of the probably unintentional sexual phrasing. At least I hope it's unintentional. Because otherwise Dan's showing an unhealthy fixation with altar boys. And other fetishes.

And now I'm going to NaNo.

I feel like I'm reading a train wreck. I've completely given up trying to figure out where this story is going to go. Because it's not going to make any sense where it ends up. And least I didn't have this problem with Eragon.

Moving on. There's a brief scene where Cell Phone Bishop gets a phone call on the private plane he's taking to Paris. It's from Fache. Apparently, for some reason, Fache is talking to Bishop about the location of Langdon... I don't know WHY he would do that... I mean... how does anyone know this Bishop is even involved in the cases? It's just so completely random. But Brown apparently needs Bishop to go to London... so... for no reason in particular Fache has contacted Bishop and is telling him about what is happening... yesss... \~/\~/ So, Bishop goes to the pilot and says we need to go to London all the while thinking that every thing's going to pot. Pilot says he can't. Bishop gives him a diamond ring and they can.

And now we go back to having sex. I mean discussing what the poem might mean. But really the conversation just degrades into sex talk again. This time Langdon has another epiphany about what the headstone is. \~/ He gets this by thinking, "A headstone praised by the Templars" and looking out the window. I get some of my best ideas that way... the whole staring out the window bit, but they don't let me make the leaps of logic that Langdon does. Perhaps he's just that special.

Oh dear lord... I just used, "He's just that special" for the first time in this book. |~~|

*goes off and gets more drinking stuff*

So, why did you kill Dan Brown?

Sex rite.

That must be some strange sex rite.

You have no idea.

ehhehheee...


So, back to sex I mean... No. See, the Headstone... which now that I think about it just took on a whole new sort of meaning... is in reference to the pagan god Baphomet that the Templar's worshiped. He's a horned god if you know what I mean. Right. So, after that enlightenment and the usual Church Oppresses Sex bit \~/ they discover that well, Baphomet has eight letters and there are only room for five on the cryptex.

How do they solve this then? Well, first they have to translate Baphomet into it's Hebrew equivalent.

The Hebrew alef-beit that they use is this:

A B C D H V Z Ch T Y K L M N S O P Tz Q R Sh Th. Which stands for Alef, Beit, Gimmel, Dalet, Hei, Vav, Zayin, Chet, Tet, Yud, Kaf, Lamed, Mem, Nun, Samech, Ayin, Peit, Tzadik, Kuf, Reish, Shin, Tav.

All right. Then he says that in formal Hebrew spelling the vowel sounds aren't written. Well yes. They're the little dots and dashes that are under the letters. The "Nekkudot" that was referenced back in chapter 71 when they were trying to make heads or tails of the backwards English. Therefor all the letters above are in fact not vowels. Because they don't look like little dashes and dots.

However he says that by taking out the "a" "o" and "e" in Bapvometh you get five letters. Because clearly the names will transfer accordingly in each language. Never mind the fact that the "aleph" is in fact a silent letter and not a vowel and that the ayin doesn't make an "o" sound.

And it gets worse. They use the Atbash cypher to turn BPVMTh into ShVPYA which turns into SVFYA in Sofya or Sophia! Which means Word of Wisdom in Greek. Or to spell it correctly "Sofia".

Well that was fun. God forbid they had to try and make an actual Hebrew word out of ShVPYA. The Hebrew word for wisdom by the way is HaCham. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Long story short. They open up the cryptex and find... another cryptex. This one black. As Langdon notes: "Sauniere's passion for dualism. Two cryptexes Everything in pairs. Double entendres. Male female. Black nested within white. Langdon felt the web of symbolism stretching onward.

Every man sprang from woman.
White - female
Black - male.
Kippur - drunk \~/

Apparently there's another four lined iambic pentameter verse wrapped around the black cryptex. We get the first line "In London lies a knight a pope interred." Obviously this requires me to finish the poem.

In London lies a knight a pope interred
For of his sex life it was heard
When seeing his cock they would pray
To Jesus Christ: thank you, it is my lucky day.

\~/

Teabag says that he doesn't know who the knight is, but he knows where to look. Meanwhile six police cars are heading to the airport.

Bobo is hanging out at Teabag's place while the CSI folks look for clues. Brown takes this moment to throw us some more pagan symbolism hidden in the church. This time the hollow nave of a church is really a tribute to a woman's womb and that a cathedral's entrance represents a woman's vagina. \~/ They also find a list of Priory Grand Masters. Names that I recognize include Nicolas Flamel, Da Vinci, Robert Boyle, Issac Newton, Victor Hugo, Claude Debussy.

Then he gets a phone call from the Banke Andre. Andre wants to have phone sex talk to Fache but when he gets Bobo he hangs up because he doesn't want to talk to the officer he lied to. So, Bobo gets Interpool to get him everything they can on the bank and the banker. \~/

And that's it for now.

Drinks: 18

Bobo and the police bust into the house. He's fooled into believing that there's someone upstairs by the intercom system. I'm not really sure how that one works. Because apparently they're really in a car. He's a bit slow on the uptake wondering "Where the hell do I hear a car?" \~/ Could it be... I don't know... maybe.. outside? In the garage? Or somewhere else where you keep a car... like the parlor? Bobo runs out to the barn and sees that a car is missing. Teabag has a lot of fancy cars. Ferrari, Rolls-Royce, Aston Martin, Porsche 356... and a mystery car. \~/

Probably one of those clown cars.

No, sorry. It's a Range Rover, Java Black Pearl, four-wheel drive, standard transmission, with high-strength polypropylene lamps, rear light cluster fittings, and the steering wheel on the right. Beyond the fact that I suddenly want to know where Captain Jack Sparrow is, the previous bit of information was utterly unnecessary. \~/

... for some reason they brought Silas along with them. *headdesk*

Why the hell would they bring Silas with them, even if he's trussed up? Isn't that kinda like asking for trouble? I mean he's already killed four people that they know about. And they stuff him in the trunk. Wouldn't it be better to let the police deal with him? You know, get him out of the way so he couldn't ... um... escape? Or something? I'm just saying... \~/ \~/\~/

Apparently, according to Teabag, Silas is Langdon's ticket to freedom... because... um... he knows about Opus Dei... and must be in cahoots with the police... and um... they need to interrogate him. \~/ Right. There's nothing I can do to make that work. Nothing.

Now that we've gotten through that shaky bit of logic they're going to fly off to England by a private jet. It apparently cost Teabag a queen's ransom so ... he named it Elizabeth. \~/
Rather convenient that. The plane that Teabag has. This is what we call plot device. Have your main characters caught and nothing for them to do now? Send them on a plane to flee the police! Want to get pass airport security? Have a special arrangement with a private airfield that lets you come and go with no questions. Yup. Convenient.

And then... Langdon has another epiphany. We don't know what... for what... or what it is... of course. \~/

The epiphany is that Robert's editor sent a copy of his book to Sauniere and that's how Sauniere knew about Langdon. Um.... whoopie? \~/ And really, that's the only point of the chapter.

They take Silas on the plane with them. Again. Why? \~/

There's more blather about what are they going to do with the grail and how the grail finds you for a reason and once you're on the path for the grail there's no turning back. Blah. \~/

Back with the police the Banker changes his story and says that Langdon and Sophie stole something and Fache learns that Teabag has a private plane that just took off.

On the plane they take a look at the script that was found under the potato on the box. There's some blathering about how it might be Semitic... Rashi Script or a Sephardic transliteration. Looking at what is written (it comes with a pretty picture) I can easily say that it's not any form of Hebrew and it looks nothing like Rashi Script (which is just a cursive Hebrew font). If anything it looks like Sidarian. \~/

It turns out that it is, instead, English written backwards. Like Da Vinci used to write. \~/

We get another riddling clue.

An ancient word of wisdom frees this scroll
And helps us keep her scatter'd family whole
a headstone praised by templars is the key
and atbash will reveal the truth to thee.

Then we get the biggest cock and bull stretching of conspiracy theory shit that I've seen so far. And that's saying something considering the Disney bits.

First there's Langdon's ruminations on Iambic Pentameter:

Langdon had come across this meter often over the years while researching secret societies across Europe, including just last year in the Vatican Secret Archives. For centuries, iambic pentameter had been a preferred poetic meter of outspoken literati across the globe, from the ancient Greek writer Archilochus to Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, and Voltaire - bold souls who chose to write their social commentaries in a meter that many of the day believed had mystical properties. The roots of iambic pentameter were deeply pagan.

Iambs. Two syllables with opposite emphasis. Stressed and unstressed. Yin yang. A balanced pair. Arranged in strings of five. Pentameter. Five for the pentacle of Venus and the Sacred feminine

\~/, \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

Iambic pentameter is used because it's easy and it flows well on the ears. It's sort of like 3/4 time which mimics the heart beat as my mom told me. buh Dum bum.

Anyway, that's not the real kicker. This is:

The Priory, like many European secret societies at odds with the Church, had considered English the only European pure language for centuries. Unlike French, Spanish, and Italian, which were rooted in Latin -the tongue of the Vatican - English was linguistically removed from Rome's propaganda machine, and therefore became a sacred secret tongue for those brotherhoods educated enough to learn it

I shall counter that with this quote:

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
-James Nicoll

And then drink some more. \~/ \~/\~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

Damn... there goes another bottle...

They then try to figure out what the poem means, focusing on Atbash. Which is the Atbash cipher. Which is based on the Hebrew alaphbet where you take the first letter Aleph and substitute with the last letter Tav or in English, A replaces Z and so on and so forth. \~/


And that is the great secret which will break the code of that poem and lead them invariably to the next clue.

This is turning out to be like some sort of scavenger hunt not a novel.

Drinks: 27

So, last time, Princess Sophie suddenly realized that she might be the Holy Grail because Brown hit us on the head with a ton of foreshadowing. Like Bricks falling from a building onto innocent civilians crushing the life out of them and leaving a bloody splatter on the ground. This is Brown trying to do obvious foreshadowing. Obvious foreshadowing is something they did in Heroes. No, I'm not going to do spoilers. Last season they constantly showed us what was going to happen through the use of Issac's paintings. He painted the future. And we saw these paintings. But what we were left wondering is how the hell are we going to get there? And how are they going to stop the exploding man? We knew the end, but we didn't know the journey. Brown is trying to do that sort of thing with his Holy Grail being a person here, but in this case it doesn't work because, they're not trying to stop an event nor are they trying to find someone. They're not really. They're sort of wandering around blindly following puzzle and puzzle but they have no real "mission". If anything, Sophie should have gotten chills or... remember a bit of something her grandfather said or something inconspicuous instead of PRINCESS SOPHIE!! *GASP*

If anything, Brown should have had Sophie know that she was the Grail or of the Grail line, but not know anything else, like any of the puzzles or clues. And then she would have the personal investment of trying to get it before Silas so that it doesn't lead back to her and kill her. Langdon could still be oblivious, but some sense of urgency and distrust could be kept into the story as Sophie tries to get Langdon to do what she wants, obviously manipulating him to her own ends... whatever they might be.

Also, if you want to see cliff hangers done properly, watch Heroes. Cause DAAAAMMN!

Of course, Brown does something completely and utterly inane to prove that Sophie isn't the Holy Grail. When Teabag leaves she looks at Langdon meaningfully. And Langdon says, "The same thought crossed my mind when I realized that your grandfather was in the Priory, and you said he wanted to tell you a secret about your family. But it's impossible." Langdon paused. (and here we get the ASTOUNDING piece of proof that Sophie is not the Holy Grail) "Sauniere is not a Merovingian name."

Right because I know that if any of the Merovingian's had daughters they would marry them off into the same family and thus let them keep the same name. This entire thing is utterly ridiculous. It's been two thousand years! There should be millions of the little buggers running around by now. There's no way that the Church could have contained all of them, or the Priory. I mean, they've found genetic evidence that about fourty percent of the world's Askenizi Jews are descended from four people. And that's ninth, tenth century? Mary's sprogs had hundreds of years before the Church decided to persecute them there's no way there could only be TWO lines. There should be hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them. Unless they were all interbreeding... or something... that actually might explain something....

Thus having successfully disproved Sophie as the Holy Grail we get to the fact that Disney was a Modern Da Vinci and apparently was also in the Priory.

Most of Disney's hidden messages dealt with religion, pagan myth and stories of the subjugated goddess. It was no mistake that Disney retold tales like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White - all which dealt with the incarceration of the sacred feminine. Nor did one need a background in symbolism to understand that Snow White - a princess who fell from grace after partaking of a poisoned apple - was a clear allusion to the downfall of Eve in the Garden of Eden. Or that Sleeping Beauty's Princess Aurora - code-named "Rose" and hidden deep in the forest to protect her from the clutches of an evil witch - was the grail story for children.

Wrap your mind around that? Let us look at this. Sleeping Beauty is supposed to be a grail story for children. Because it's a hidden message or something. But usually a hidden message only does you any good if you know you're LOOKING for a message. Other wise you would pass it by. That is the point of it being HIDDEN. The children watching the movie wouldn't know it's a grail story because they know absolutely nothing about the fact that the holy grail isn't a cup but instead a woman. Why? Because they've never been told that. You can't go looking for something you didn't know existed.

Unless your an elf. Then you get a free search check if you walk within five feet of a hidden door.

Also Disney made Snow White because he needed money. He was losing money on short films. If you notice none of his other shorts included grail imagery unless you count the red in Micky's shorts. Though I suppose Brown could make the assumption that Minnie was the Grail and Micky the knight searching for her.

OH GOD I'M STARTING TO THINK LIKE HIM MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!! I DON'T WANT TO WRITE STUPID CONSPIRACY NOVELS!!!

Apparently, according to Brown, the Little Mermaid "was a spellbinding tapestry of spiritual symbols so specifically goddess-related that they could not be a coincidence."

Except for the fact, you know, while Disney wanted to make the Little Mermaid he had no hand in the actual production of this version.

Not that really stops Brown from making such assumptions. Or Assertions.

Then Teabag comes back in and says that Robert has been lying to him.

Thus we end another chapter before Kippur runs off to go to work.

Ahh... the fun of the Emergency room. Four hours and peeing in a cup to discover, well they don't know what's wrong. Might be a virus, Better see your doctor. So, I'm going to do that on Monday. c\~/ <-- Tea

Meanwhile, on the DaVinci Code. We're finally (in theory)going to find out who the mysterious Grail is. If we recall, we now know it's a woman because DaVinci didn't paint a grail in the Last Supper picture. And Da Vinci is the be all end all know all on this subject. Right. c\~/

They gather in Teabag's study which is cluttered beyond belief. Apparently it's one of those organizational systems where the person knows where everything is. At least that's my guess. Anyway, Teabag gives us this wonderful line. It's one of those lines that are supposed to be full of wisdom and... just cliche. "Learning the truth had become my life's love," Teabing said. "And the Sangreal is my favorite mistress." He's a devoted man, isn't he? c\~/

So, we go on to show that there is a picture of the woman who is the Holy Grail, who Christ Himself claimed. Or so Teabag says. We look at the Last Supper. For visual reference as this is the part that they'll be talking about.

Looking at the figure on right of Jesus, Sophie sees, "As she studied the person's face and body, a wave of astonishment rose within her. The individual had flowing red hair, delicate folded hands, and the hint of a bosom. It was without a doubt... female." c\~/

Or a very pretty boy. Obviously Brown hasn't seen any Anime or Manga or else he'd know that. John apparently is often shown as a pretty young man, sometimes even sleeping on Jesus' shoulder. It's supposed to indicate how close they are. But my mind goes off into slashy places.

Anyway! We're assuming that Pretty Boy is a girl. Mary Magdalene to be exact. Who is not a prostitute according to Teabag. This is just another one of the Church's conspiracies to ... um... stop the Holy Grail, which is rea...

Wait.

Previously Brown told us that the Holy Grail was really a sign for the Goddess and that when someone was searching for the Grail they were really looking for the goddess. Now Brown is telling us that the Holy Grail is really Mary Magdalene who was Jesus' wife... which the church suppressed because it would take away from Jesus' divinity. c\~/ c\~/

So, which one is it?

Brown just contradicted himself majorly. All this time we were being told it was the Church that was covering up and trying to hide the Goddess. The Goddess this. The Goddess that. Everything about the Goddess. The Chalice was really a symbol for the Goddess. The Goddess was wonderful. Everything would be better if we all believed in the Goddess.

And then, all of a sudden, out of left field, it's no longer the goddess, but Mary Magdalene. Who is NOT the goddess. In fact the fact that she is not divine is the entire point of why she's the problem. Jesus couldn't have married a mortal woman. Because, apparently, divine beings didn't do that. Though in the other mythologies they were doing it left, right, center and under the bed.

It's as if Brown couldn't decide which "conspiracy theory" he wanted to play with, so he did the first half with the Goddess and now he's going to do the second half with Mary Magdalene and pray that people don't notice. I imagine he figures that people are just going to skim this part (like they're doing with the rest of the book) to get to the good stuff, instead of the boring lecture stuff. c\~/c\~/c\~/

Teabag continues with his proof. Mary and Jesus are wearing mirroring colors. The negative space between them forms a "v" which, obviously stands for the chalice. We get another "v" shape on the other side of Jesus too. Does that mean he was banging the apostle Thomas too? Or that Thomas is really a woman in drag? Now that's a conspiracy!

Moving on. Teabag's final bit of evidence is that Mary and Jesus form an "M" which is a Very Big Coincidence. Yup. And that countless Grail related works also include a hidden "M". Which stands for "Matrimonio" or Mary Magdalene. Matrimonio is apparently Italian for wedding. If the M is supposed to stand for the fact that Jesus and Mary were Married. Then it's highly unlikely that the artists would use an "M" because "Married" doesn't start with an "M" in all languages. Nor does wedding. As indicated by the fact that it doesn't start with an "M" in English. Unless you turn the "W" upside down. c\~/ c\~/ c\~/

Now Teabag says that Jesus being married to Mary is a matter of record and highly more plausible than Jesus being a bachelor. Because, as Langdon says, Jesus was a Jew. "And the social decorum during that time virtually forbade a Jewish man to be unmarried. According to Jewish custom, celibacy was condemned, and the obligation for a Jewish father was to find a suitable wife for his son." Now why this is sort of true, it's not forbidden for a Jewish man to be unmarried. Instead it's forbidden for a married Jewish man not to have sex with his wife. In fact it's actually grounds for divorce in Judaism, if the woman isn't getting any. c\~/

According to the Jewish Encyclopedia "The following causes are recognized as entitling the wife to demand a bill of divorce from her husband: refusal of conjugal rights (Ket. v. 6); impotence (Ned. xi. 12); when the husband has some loathsome disease, or leprosy, or is engaged in some malodorous business (Ket. vii. 9); the husband's refusal to support her (Ket. 77a); cruel treatment anddeprivation of her lawful liberty of person (Ket. vii. 2-5, v. 5); wife-beating (Eben ha-'Ezer, 154, 3, gloss); the husband's apostasy (Maimonides, "Yad," Ishut, iv. 15)—"

Pretty good, I think.

But I digress. If anything the fact that Jesus didn't get married probably stemmed from the fact that he was busy banging John. They were probably in a pederastic relationship. After all the times were right for those sorts of things.

Teabag brings out a book of Gnostic Gospels and has them look at the Gospel of Philip. There they read a passage about Mary being Jesus' companion and kissing him on the mouth a lot.

And the companion of the Savior is Mary Magdalene. Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples were offended by it and expressed disapproval. They said to him, "Why do you love her more than all of us?"

I'm sorry... but did Jesus kiss the other guys on the mouth too? c\~/ That's some Orgy going on in the New Testament.

The Gospel of Philip actually says:c\~/

As for the Wisdom who is called "the barren," she is the mother of the angels. And the companion of the [...] Mary Magdalene. [...] loved her more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples [...]. They said to him "Why do you love her more than all of us?" The Savior answered and said to them,"Why do I not love you like her? When a blind man and one who sees are both together in darkness, they are no different from one another. When the light comes, then he who sees will see the light, and he who is blind will remain in darkness."

Missing words there. It's kinda like madlibs. "And the companion of the Flower Mary Magdalene. Turtle loved her more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on the mouth. The rest of the disciples drove. "

Companion apparently means "spouse" in Aramaic.

Sophie flashes back to when an angry priest banged on her grandfather's door. The priest was angry about an article that grandpa wrote that said that the Church shouldn't ban The Last Temptation of Christ by Martin Scorsese. Sophie wonders if Jesus had a girlfriend and Grandpa says would that be so horrible, and she's says that she wouldn't mind. c\~/

Then we go onto the Gospel of Mary Magdalene.

And Peter said, "Did the Saviour really speak with a woman without our knowledge? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did he prefer her to us?"

And Levi answered, "Peter, you have always been hot-tempered. Now I see you contending against the woman like an adversary. If the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. That is why he loved her more than us."

The actual text says :
c\~/

1) When Mary had said this, she fell silent, since it was to this point that the Savior had spoken with her.

2) But Andrew answered and said to the brethren, Say what you wish to say about what she has said. I at least do not believe that the Savior said this. For certainly these teachings are strange ideas.

3) Peter answered and spoke concerning these same things.

4) He questioned them about the Savior: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us?

5) Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Savior?

6) Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered.

7) Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries.

8) But if the Savior made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Savior knows her very well.

9) That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Savior said.

10) And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.

Quite a bit of difference here. They're not talking about Mary, but instead what Mary has said in regards to what Jesus has told her. (It still sounds like Peter is jealous that he's not getting any though). c\~/


In the book (since this is the picture version) we see three paintings of the last supper showing Jesus with a woman. Two are the Last Supper by Jean Fouquet and one by Albrecht Durer. The supposed woman actually looks like a boy and goes on to prove my John theory. According to wikipedia "The Gospel of John contains references to the "disciple whom Jesus loved". Traditionally this was taken as a self reference by the author, and therefore a reference to John the Apostle." There's even article about a potential homosexual relationship between the two of them. So apparently I'm not too off the mark here.

Teabag continues on to say that Mary was a member of the Tribe of Benjamin and thus of royal descent. However it's the tribe of JUDAH that has that particular honor. Though by the time of Jesus the tribe of Benjamin had been completely absorbed into the tribe of Judah so that there was no difference between them. c\~/

He then says, "... It was not Mary Magdalene's royal blood that concerned the Church so much as it was her consorting with Christ who also had royal blood. As you know, the Book of Matthrew tells us that Jesus was of the House of David. A descendant of King Solomon -King of the Jews. By marrying into the powerful house of Benjamin, Jesus fused two royal bloodlines, created a potent political union with the potential of making a legitimate claim to the throne and restoring the line of kings as it was under Solomon."

And this is a bad thing... why? I thought that the Church didn't want Mary to be know because Jesus was married to her and therefor made him not divine. Not because they were both of royal blood. And besides, Herod would probably have more worry over this than the Church, if it were true. After all he was king at the time. I would think that the Church would find Jesus being able to make a legitimate claim for the throne a good thing. Because then he'd be able to rule the land and do good things. c\~/

The fact that there was a royal bloodline meant that they had a child. "Mary Magdalene was the Holy Vessel. She was the chalice the bore the royal bloodline of Jesus Christ. She was the womb that bore the lineage, and the vine from which the sacred fruit sprang forth!"

Um.. can someone explain to the poor Jew why this is a bad thing?

Thus, Teabag concludes, the Holy Grail is the story of Mary Magdalene and her child and NOT the goddess... which Brown had been saying all along. c\~/

Right.

I like the Sex between John and Jesus better.

Drinks: 19

I'm doing this early in the hopes that I don't keel over and fall asleep.

Right. So.

The Banker, Andre, has a gun pointed at Sophie and Langdon. He has a duty to protect grandpa's assets which includes the box. Apparently he's heard that the two of them are wanted for FOUR murders now. How the fuck did this happen? Surely the must realize that Langdon was perhaps lecturing when the other three murders happened and that Sophie was at work? That there's no possible way that they could have done the previous three murders? That since the four murders are connected and Langdon and Sophie couldn't have done the first three that it's highly unlikely that they did the last? That the police should be looking for someone else then? And that the APB for the two of them should be called off? \~/

Logically speaking, after all.

Also. How have they even linked the murders. While I'm at it. The only thing linking them is Silas. Who no one ever saw... or something. Awfully convenient \~/

Andre doesn't want the box to become part of police evidence so he's going to shoot the two of them to get it back. Which would be a crime. Which would make the box part of the evidence of the crime. Which would put in police evidence. \~/

Langdon gives him the box, after getting shot at. He shoves the spent casing into the door jam however.

Andre needs two hands to pick up the box. So, he lays down the gun and picks up the box and tries to shut the door. Which jams. Which allows Langdon to knock him to the ground and beat him senseless. YAY RANDOM VIOLENCE! And Langdon and Sophie escape with the truck. \~/

Cellphone Bishop is driving off with lots of money. Twenty Million Euro's worth. And he's afraid that his teacher might not have been able to get in contact with him. \~/

Meanwhile Langdon and Sophie are trying to figure out what to do now that they have the codex thingy and where to go. The idea of turning over the keystone back to the Priory (if they even knew who was apart of it) is impossible because they've been compromised. The Priory that is. As Langdon stares at the broken bumper of the stolen trunk he starts to get an epiphany about Sophie's family, from the fact that Grandpa left her a phone message saying that he wanted to tell her about her family. \~/ Meanwhile Sophie tries to figure out what the code is to open the codex thingy. She tries "Grail", "Vinci" and "Voute". Apparently the letters are in English? Sopie then becomes the poor helpless female with this following thought.

Looking outside at Langdon, Sophie felt grateful he was with her tonight. P.S. Find Robert Langdon. Her grandfather's rational for including him was now clear. Sophie was not equipped to understand her grandfather's intentions, and so he had assigned Robert Langdon as her guide. A tutor to oversee her education.

Sophie, who has been trained by her grandfather in all sorts of puzzles and cryptology, who has been raised by her grandfather and knows his way of thinking better than anyone else, is not equipped to understand her grandfather, but some guy who never met her father is. Yes. That makes perfect sense. For all his talk about the feminine mystique and things like that Brown seems to be remarkably interested in turning his female lead into sounding board for Langdon to sound intelligent at. Out of all the puzzles that they've solved she's only solved one. And she's supposed to be the trained cryptologist and Langdon's just the guy who knows symbols about the holy grail. If anything he should be helping her. \~/ \~/ \~/ Sophie is essentially useless here. Just a device for Brown to expose his theories. \~/

So, they drive on and Langdon suggests that they go find a friend of his another Grail Scholar who lives near Versailles. After some discussion they decide that his friend Teabing, here after referred to as Teabag, is worth trying. He apparently knows more about the Holy Grail than anyone outside the Priory. Oh and it's Sir Leigh Teabag. Apparently his name is Brown being cute again \~/ "Leigh Teabing's name is actually an anagram of the surnames of Richard Leigh and Michael Baigent — authors of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, a real book which espouses very similar beliefs to Teabing's (in the novel, Teabing explicitly refers to this book). Teabing's physical description resembles that of Henry Lincoln, the third author of that book. " Wikipedia. I think Brown likes Anagrams a bit too much. Which is why he ended up with such a stupid last name as Teabing. \~/ \~/ \~/

Teabag hates the French. He's made his house his own little British Ilse with the signs made in English and the intercom on the English Driver's side of the road. Teabag is also infirm with crutches and and leg braces from a bought of Polio which is supposed to refer to the Fisherking. \~/ . Teabag asks them three questions to get into the gate and test their honor. They involve asking if Langdon would like tea or coffee (tea) what would he like in his tea (lemon, in Earl Grey) and what year did a Harvard sculler last outrow an Oxford man at Henly? (such a travesty has never occurred)\~/ This proves that Langdon's heart is true and he may enter. Cute? No? \~/

Meanwhile the LoJack on the on the armored truck gets activated by Andre.

That's enough for tonight. I think.

Drinks: 17

Note: Reading fic where Harry is about as naive in the matters of sex as my shoes and likes to wear panties for Uncle Sev who gets hard just thinking about that is a bad bad bad idea. \~/ *takes a drink to purge the memories.*


Now that Brown seems to be getting the hang of chapter endings, he needs to work on his character POV choices. In this chapter Langdon and P.T. Escape with the help of Andre the Banker who gets them into a bank truck and locks them in before driving off and tricking the police into thinking that he's just the driver. All very good and exciting, however, it's from the wrong person's POV. It's from Andre's. And we're not emotionally invested in Andre (we're not emotionally invested in anyone, but let's pretend that we are) and so we don't particularly care about him. We want to know how Langdon is feeling about finding the mysterious thingy and what it must be and having to rush through the bank to the loading dock (Which we don't see) and then having to get into the small enclosed space (he's claustrophobic) to escape. Hell, that should have been a scene in it's self. Langdon protesting about getting in there, there has to be another way, P.T. and Andre convincing him they have to go, get in the truck, him getting in there warily. If we had seen this we might have actually cared about him. But instead he just gets into the truck. He doesn't even get a full sentence either, "As Sophie and Langdon climbed in,..." No emotional hint that he might be having problems with such an enclosed space or anything. This is a defining moment here for Langdon. Can he get into the small space and get away or is his phobia going to hold him back. In fact this phobia should have been showing up a lot more. It's a weakness of his and one that should be exploited.

Instead of such tight drama we go back to Silas. Who's just punished himself...sorry Disciplined himself. FINALLY page 202 in my copy, he learns that he's going to have being going after someone else, that the information has been transfered. But he doesn't find out who. We know who, because we are "clever" like that.

I'd do more, but I'm late for work. WHEE... And the next chapter is long.