Alternative writings

First and foremost all you pigeons, you all must bow down and worship the greatness that is canadianevil for they have brought you an icon that I was going to make, but did it all so much better.



Please cookies/money/pretty boys having sex/small countries/slaves/all of the above to me and I'll make sure they'll get sent to the right person.

( the actual meat of the chapter )

I feel like I'm reading a train wreck. I've completely given up trying to figure out where this story is going to go. Because it's not going to make any sense where it ends up. And least I didn't have this problem with Eragon.

Moving on. There's a brief scene where Cell Phone Bishop gets a phone call on the private plane he's taking to Paris. It's from Fache. Apparently, for some reason, Fache is talking to Bishop about the location of Langdon... I don't know WHY he would do that... I mean... how does anyone know this Bishop is even involved in the cases? It's just so completely random. But Brown apparently needs Bishop to go to London... so... for no reason in particular Fache has contacted Bishop and is telling him about what is happening... yesss... \~/\~/ So, Bishop goes to the pilot and says we need to go to London all the while thinking that every thing's going to pot. Pilot says he can't. Bishop gives him a diamond ring and they can.

And now we go back to having sex. I mean discussing what the poem might mean. But really the conversation just degrades into sex talk again. This time Langdon has another epiphany about what the headstone is. \~/ He gets this by thinking, "A headstone praised by the Templars" and looking out the window. I get some of my best ideas that way... the whole staring out the window bit, but they don't let me make the leaps of logic that Langdon does. Perhaps he's just that special.

Oh dear lord... I just used, "He's just that special" for the first time in this book. |~~|

*goes off and gets more drinking stuff*

So, why did you kill Dan Brown?

Sex rite.

That must be some strange sex rite.

You have no idea.

ehhehheee...


So, back to sex I mean... No. See, the Headstone... which now that I think about it just took on a whole new sort of meaning... is in reference to the pagan god Baphomet that the Templar's worshiped. He's a horned god if you know what I mean. Right. So, after that enlightenment and the usual Church Oppresses Sex bit \~/ they discover that well, Baphomet has eight letters and there are only room for five on the cryptex.

How do they solve this then? Well, first they have to translate Baphomet into it's Hebrew equivalent.

The Hebrew alef-beit that they use is this:

A B C D H V Z Ch T Y K L M N S O P Tz Q R Sh Th. Which stands for Alef, Beit, Gimmel, Dalet, Hei, Vav, Zayin, Chet, Tet, Yud, Kaf, Lamed, Mem, Nun, Samech, Ayin, Peit, Tzadik, Kuf, Reish, Shin, Tav.

All right. Then he says that in formal Hebrew spelling the vowel sounds aren't written. Well yes. They're the little dots and dashes that are under the letters. The "Nekkudot" that was referenced back in chapter 71 when they were trying to make heads or tails of the backwards English. Therefor all the letters above are in fact not vowels. Because they don't look like little dashes and dots.

However he says that by taking out the "a" "o" and "e" in Bapvometh you get five letters. Because clearly the names will transfer accordingly in each language. Never mind the fact that the "aleph" is in fact a silent letter and not a vowel and that the ayin doesn't make an "o" sound.

And it gets worse. They use the Atbash cypher to turn BPVMTh into ShVPYA which turns into SVFYA in Sofya or Sophia! Which means Word of Wisdom in Greek. Or to spell it correctly "Sofia".

Well that was fun. God forbid they had to try and make an actual Hebrew word out of ShVPYA. The Hebrew word for wisdom by the way is HaCham. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Long story short. They open up the cryptex and find... another cryptex. This one black. As Langdon notes: "Sauniere's passion for dualism. Two cryptexes Everything in pairs. Double entendres. Male female. Black nested within white. Langdon felt the web of symbolism stretching onward.

Every man sprang from woman.
White - female
Black - male.
Kippur - drunk \~/

Apparently there's another four lined iambic pentameter verse wrapped around the black cryptex. We get the first line "In London lies a knight a pope interred." Obviously this requires me to finish the poem.

In London lies a knight a pope interred
For of his sex life it was heard
When seeing his cock they would pray
To Jesus Christ: thank you, it is my lucky day.

\~/

Teabag says that he doesn't know who the knight is, but he knows where to look. Meanwhile six police cars are heading to the airport.

Bobo is hanging out at Teabag's place while the CSI folks look for clues. Brown takes this moment to throw us some more pagan symbolism hidden in the church. This time the hollow nave of a church is really a tribute to a woman's womb and that a cathedral's entrance represents a woman's vagina. \~/ They also find a list of Priory Grand Masters. Names that I recognize include Nicolas Flamel, Da Vinci, Robert Boyle, Issac Newton, Victor Hugo, Claude Debussy.

Then he gets a phone call from the Banke Andre. Andre wants to have phone sex talk to Fache but when he gets Bobo he hangs up because he doesn't want to talk to the officer he lied to. So, Bobo gets Interpool to get him everything they can on the bank and the banker. \~/

And that's it for now.

Drinks: 18

authoressarktos Put up some Eragon blank icons and challenged me to put captions to them. =D Here's a few I did at work. Which suck ass cause I used the paint program. But still.




( Icons! )



You can't really steal them... because they're all on one image. I hope to cut paste them later and fix it so they're stealable.