Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

[kippurbird]

Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where is Buttercup?
Inigo Montoya: Let me 'splain.
[pause]
Inigo Montoya: No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marry' Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape... after I kill Count Rugen. ~ The Princess Bride (for those of you who didn't know)

It has come to my attention, or lack there of, that I really, really, really, really need to finish this book. So, I'm going to try and sum up, as Inigo suggests.



Chapter forty seven -

Anita is in pain. She's being attacked by the mother of all darkness, etc, etc. She's in a dream and isn't herself and then she wakes up and her hand is curled around a cross which melted in her hand. Woo. Doctor shows up and gives Anita drugs.

Chapter forty eight.

Doctor *asks Nathaniel and Micah to distract Anita.*

Nathaniel *kisses her. *

Kip: O.o

Kip: *remembers what book he's reading*

Kip:*headdesks*

Anita:*worries about the Mother of All Darkness, thinking that if she left the MoAD could take them all.*

Kip: As the MoAD seems to want Anita, I'd have dumped her ages ago.

Nathaniel:*carries her to the limo*

Doctor: *Says Anita needs to call up the munin*

Hamilton: "Munin were the ancestral spirits of the wolf pack. But they could be more "lively" than just a normal ancestor worship.

Kip: The spirits worship themselves?

Hamilton: Shut up, I'm writing genius here. "Especially if you had psychic ability, or, most yummy, talent with the undead,

Kip: Stop with the yummy already. I have enough issues with food.

Hamilton: You're ruining my greatness! "the munin could be much, much more lively. Raina was the old lupa of the pack. I'd killed her because she was trying to kill me. The munin could "possess" people who had the talent for it. I'd become her favorite ride"

Kip: Of Coooourse.

Alec: It gets worse.

Kip: Of Cooooourse.

Hamilton: Because every thing needs to have sex to work.

Raina: *was a sexual sadist and can heal with sex*

Hamilton: Anita's like Rogue! "The ardeur wasn't normally a thing of healing, and Jean-Claude had speculated that the fact that I could heal with sex and metaphysics might be more because of Raina's munin than vampire powers. It was almost as if the more often I was used by, or borrowed magic from, someone else, the more likely it became that their magic would become part of my arsenal."

Alec: I used to do that. But then I'm a great big Honking STU!. Twit.

Anita: Dun wanna call up Raina.

Doctor: You need to. You've been drugged silly because I'm a horrible doctor and over drugged you thus needing to have my license taken away. You're a human not a lycanthrope, any intelligent doctor would have known not to drug you like a lycanthrope. It can be Malpractice tiem nao?

Anita: Don't want to.

Doctor: If you don't then Jean-Claude won't be able to fight against the other masters.

Kip: I thought they weren't going to fight.

Hamilton: SHUT UP!!

Anita: Fine.

Nathaniel: *is NAKED**with a collar. For some reason*

Kip: Collar? Eh? Eh? Eh? He's not a pet NOOOO. Even if the collar is made with amethyst and diamonds. Nope. Not a pet. Completely and utterly free. Yup.

Nathaniel: *is not arrested for indecency.*

Kip: And this place is supposed to be crawling with cops.

Doctor: Rania likes new victims! Let's give her Requiem!

Requiem: Um. Hey! Sex! Wait... no, she doesn't get what she's doing. It's rape.

Doctor: Give Requiem permission.

Anita: I give permission.

Doctor: There you go.

Requiem: Okay! =D

Jason: *undresses Anita*

Anita:*reflects that they have a shit load of problems... and she's going to have sex to help solve them.*

Kip*headdesks*

Noel: *WHY AM I HERE?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU PEOPLE!?!*

Jason: We couldn't find anyone else. Suck it up.

Anita; Get the baby out.

Noel:*Gets out, is probably very happah*

*Tehre is almost sex, and Anita's hand is healed.*

Anita:*suggests Requiem should walk around naked more often, because he's pretty when he's naked*

Requiem: "If I were truly beautiful you would have found your way to my bed weeks ago"

Anita: *SOMEHOW, figures out how to Heal Requiem, when she never knew how to do it before*

Requiem: *gives her sex to heal her from healing him...*

Chapter fifty:

There is sex. With a CONDOM!

Then they decided she's not fed enough. She needs more sex. No. really.

Chapter fifty one:

She, Nathaniel and Jason fuck.

There is simultaneous orgasm.

Chapter fifty two

Vampires:*are gay and poofy. They dance!*

*For seven pages*

Chapter fifty three:

Anita: Why did you roll the master vampires.

Merlin (head of the vampire dancers) I didn't.

Anita: Did.

Merlin: Didn't, oh by the way I'm THE Merlin, from King Arthur.

Kip: They're all nuts.

Merlin: You're a SPESHUL Necromancer Anita.

Kip: This is news?

Anita: I am?!

Merlin: MoAD likes you.

Blah, blah, blah.

Anita: I need to have sex again.

Asher: Okay! =D Yay I get attention! =D

Asher:*agnsts while he's at it* NO ONE LOVES ME! NO ONE LOVES ME I'M ALL ALONE!!*

Fifty four:

They fuck.

Hamilton uses this line: "So tight tonight, so tight. Forcing me to fight for every inch. I love it."

Kip:*bashes head through desk* Crap...

They fuck so hard Anita passes out.

From blood loss.

Chapter fifty five:

Anita:*wakes up in the hospital*

Asher: The fuck gave me an animal to call!

Kip: I think it's a hyena.

Asher: But I almost killed you, so I must off and angst because I'm a horrible person and shouldn't be left alone with you anymore.

Anita: But the sex was great! It was fantastic! You can't leave. I need more!

Asher: Um... all right. But didn't I sort of rape you?

Anita; Naaaaaaah. Only because the sex was great.

Asher: Okay! =D

Book: Ends. Nothing is resolved.

Kip: *returns it happily to the library*

Comments

[prototypical]

We finally succeeded in breaking you into incoherence with badfic!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I tried! I tried! For about a week I tried to make some sort of coherence out of it. Try to find something to talk about.

And failed.

*weeps*

[dryaunda.livejournal.com]

Perhaps some goodfic will make it all better. Let me know if you want a quick summary of these.

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

Anita Blake just blinded Kippur with badness.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

More like brung the brain to a barrier.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I was wondering how long it would take you to do that. Just "Wham! Bam!" and you're done.

And still, there is nothing that happens.

Though, my favorite part was
Vampires:*are gay and poofy. They dance!*

*For seven pages*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

That was my biggest problem. Nothing was happening. NOTHING!! *rails against the system.* SIGH


There was only a climax in sex, not in story.

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

There was only a climax in sex, not in story

Honey, she faked that climax. There is no way that was real.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

....WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Kipper kindly took us through the last couple chapters of the book, and still nothing happened. Nothing happened through the whole book. It was a book of nothing.

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

No, I know what the fuck, but still....WHAT THE FUCK?!!!??

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

We're all a little confused by it too.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

It's just like that scene in that Family Guy episode where Brian acts as a guide dog for a blind man, taking him to see "The Blair Witch Project."

Brian: Here. Right this way. Watch your step. Okay, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. I think they're looking for some witch. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Anything in particular you would like me to explain?

[subieko.livejournal.com]

How the hell do you have to go the HOSPITAL because of sex unless it's a violent assault, or maybe some kind of BDSM play gone horribly, irretrievably wrong? I mean...seriously. Is sex THAT dangerous? O_o

Also: Requiem gets to screw Anita because she made him pretty. That's kind of a horrible moral of the story. O_o

YAAAAY you survived Anita Blake! XD

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

I saw an icon out there that was something like that. Let's see if I can quote it right...

"I had sex with Anita Blake and all I got was this lousy icon...and 16 incurable STDs."

Or something like that. I might have the number off.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Asher bit her so hard that he couldn't stop sucking her blood and he was so busy fucking her that he didn't notice and neither did Anita.

Requiem, still hasn't had sex yet with Anita.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, you know what amuses me so much about the Inigo quite? LKH tried to use it in "Obsidian Butterfly" and messed it up. She had Anita say, and I quote, "There is too much. I will sum up." Anita also failed at the Spanish accent.
The author didn't even bother to research something she was quoting. Sigh.

By the way: You had me giggling hysterically throughout the entire post.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I IMDB the quote. Not to difficult.

By the way: You had me giggling hysterically throughout the entire post.

I'm glad you were amused.

[syderia]

How did they allow this book to be published ? There was no point to it. Except Anita having sex.

Maybe LKH is trying to prove that sex is the answer to everything. She's a closet hippy.

I think my brain broke.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I thought Zombies were the answer to everything....

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

There was no plot! There was only bad sex and the mother of all Mary Sues! Argh! *scrapes exploded brain back into skull and goes looking for a drink*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

The sex was the plot. Duh.

*would offer, but all bottles are empty*

[acdragonmaster.livejournal.com]

You know, I can't help wondering, given that there actually were some good and interesting plot ideas scattered throughout there, if one couldn't take those, write their own PROPER story with them, and have no one be the wiser as to the source...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I don't see why not. I mean it's not like LKH could say it was stolen.

[acdragonmaster.livejournal.com]

I want to see someone do this now.

[lccorp2.livejournal.com]

...It's sad when a book can be so easily summarised.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's so sad because it could be summarized as "Anita has sex".

[kunenk.livejournal.com]

Hamilton: Anita's like Rogue! "The ardeur wasn't normally a thing of healing, and Jean-Claude had speculated that the fact that I could heal with sex and metaphysics might be more because of Raina's munin than vampire powers. It was almost as if the more often I was used by, or borrowed magic from, someone else, the more likely it became that their magic would become part of my arsenal."
*stares* Wurble? …no, wait, I think I understand that, so- WHY IS THIS THE CASE? Is ardeur meant to be… something like an appropriation program that only activates through sex, or what? And… healing? Well, maybe some magics, but I thought vampires healed due to being undead which is not necessarily related to magic? Doesn't sex aggravate some wounds? Would it fix Anita if a temple fell on her? Why does metaphysics come into this healing at all, or do I just need metaphysics explained to me?

Also, 'the more I was used by someone else'… that's some complex.

She needs more sex. No. really.
Wha- but- don't they get tired!?

Hamilton uses this line: "So tight tonight, so tight. Forcing me to fight for every inch. I love it."
That's… Anita talking, right? Do I want to know what she's talking about? *eyes the sentence warily*

*shakes head* Cup of tea?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Metaphysics = Dues Ex Machina.

Arduer = Dues Ex Machina.


hat's… Anita talking, right? Do I want to know what she's talking about? *eyes the sentence warily*

No. That's Asher talking. Three guess as to what, the first two don't count.


*shakes head* Cup of tea?
Yeah. Please.

[kunenk.livejournal.com]

Oh. Should've figured. -_-

…*facepalm* But if she's been having sex with- oh, wait, it's Anita-land. Never mind.

*hands over a cup of tea and several iced biscuits*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Nummy! Ice biscuits!

Sex is the magic cure-all. =D

[oceans-heart.livejournal.com]

Before me and my friends got completely fed up with her, we had created a drinking game where everyone time someone (including Anita) used the phrase tight and wet we had to drink.

Luckily we gave up before alcohol poisoning kicked in.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Was this per book?

I'm not sure about me...

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

I... That... It's...

...

Meh. *shrugs and offers cookies and chocolate milk* Better luck with the next sporking.

And please; let's not see the word 'metaphysic' abused quite so thoroughly ever again, ne?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*gobbles cookies and chocolate milk.*

I will certainly try, but no promises.

[yetanotherbob.livejournal.com]

No fair! No fair! The post starts with Princess Bride, and then talks about Anita Blake! Bait and switch! Bait and switch! Booo!

Speaking of Princess Bride, why not cover good books? Sure, it's not as funny, but it leeds to less head trauma.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

How else was I supposed to get you to read the post? =D

Maybe. I could try.

I imagine my doctors will thank me if I did.

[indongcho.livejournal.com]

It would be nice if you would review some of the books you enjoy. I would be especially interested in seeing you review some of Anne McCaffrey's books.

And talking about good stuff should help, especially if you haven't developed SMS (Sporker's Masochism Syndrome) yet.

Comforts Kippur

[oceans-heart.livejournal.com]

We must now find you something really good to take away the pain of Laurita's disturbing fantasies.

Re: Comforts Kippur

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes we do.

Please regain your sanity

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Thank God! The stupidest book ever is finished! Even The Fifth Sorceress wasn't as bad as this, though it comes fairly close.

Please go read some good books to regain your sanity. I recommend Blue Moon Rising by Simon R. Green. If you've already read it, I recommend Swords of Haven and then Guards of Haven, also written by Green.

I also recommend Trickster's Choice,Trickster's Queen, and Terrier by Tamora Pierce.

As for science fiction, I recommend Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card and the Hitch Hiker pentalogy by Douglas Adams.

By the way, I didn't think that there was anything wrong with your sporkings. The problem was that the book was such an unamusing, worthless POS.

Re: Please regain your sanity

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I didn't particularly like Simone Green, but that's okay. Or Ender's Game.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Poorly named trilogy, I've read and enjoyed.

And I think you're right.

Re: Please regain your sanity

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I'm not going to have a fantard snit because you don't like Simon R. Green or Orson Scott Card. I just thought that you might be interested in them.

As for Tamora Pierce, if you want to try her, I suggest that you read her later books, not her earlier ones. I like her, but I have to admit that her first three quartets could easily be sporked to pieces.

I also have more book recs that may be more to your taste. I recommend Swordspoint and Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner. I especially recommend Swordspoint because it has a main gay couple that are not your stereotypical yaoi guys.

I read that scene with Alec so I think that you would also like Transformation by Carol Berg and A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. Neither one of them hold their protagonists or "heroic" characters to 21st century standards. All their characters are very much of their place and time. There are also no Heroes in their stories either. Their stories have people too.

(Ellen Kushner's stories also have people too, but I wanted to emphasize that for Berg's and Martin's stories because their stories are the type that usually have cliche Heroes.)

As for science fiction, I think that you might like The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Le Guin and Dune by Frank Herbert better than Orson Scott Card's works (If you don't like Ender's Game, everthing else he writes will just be even more annoying). Both these books lack the things that make Card's work so irritating.

I hope that these book recs aren't annoying you. I just wanted to give something back to you after enjoying all your sporkings.

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

*stares at the summary.*

*keeps staring*

*begins work on developing monkey assassins to hunt Hamilton's worthless ass down*

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Has anyone from lkh_lashouts asked permission to link this over there? May I?