With Pictures!

[kippurbird]

This Chapter is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!

Now, normally these things aren't safe for brains, but this one is also NSFW.




Chapter Nine

My knowledge of sex is learned mostly from fan fiction, sex books and things my mother has told me even though I wish she didn't. Therefor, I will fully admit that I know nothing. However, this will not stop me! I'll just comment on the images and things like that. Also, point and laugh.

Raincoats ready?

Our chapter begins with, "The Ardeur came and the clothes went. The custom-made leather knife sheath ripped away with all the rest. We fell to the carpet naked, all hands and mouths."

This is what I see when I read that:



It's this quivering mass of... bloby hands and mouths... no genitals or separate bodies. I'm not sure how I would word it better. \~/

You know... this is utterly ridiculous.

Sucking on [Auggie's] nipple raised his upper body off t he floor, tore a yell from him. His eyes were wide, surprised, his hands reaching for something to hold on to. Someone grabbed one of those reaching hands, and I knew who it was before Auggie drew him into my line of sight. Auggie drew Jean-Claude into him, as he lay back against the floor, and I worked lower on his body. I licked and bit along his stomach, as he drew Jean-Claude down for a kiss. Something I did raised Auggie up off the ground as their mouths touched, so that I had a good view of it. I had never seen two men kiss, not like that. Not with lips, and tongue. In the months that Asher had been in our bed they had moved toward each other a time or two, but stopped. I had never asked whose sensibilities they were saving, mine or theirs. Now, watching Jean-Claude cradling Auggie in his arms and kissing him so thoroughly ... it tightened my body so hard and fast that it was like a mini-orgasm. I'd been told by a very smart friend that to keep saying that I didn't like to be in bed with two men at once was a little silly. A case of the lady protesting too much. My body reacted for me; the sight of them kissing just flat did it for me. I've been told it's how a lot of men feel about seeing two women kiss. Why should I be any different?

Summary: Anita Discovers Slash. \~/

Okay, I just skimmed ahead and it's all sex and screaming orgasms. It's supposed to be some sort of power fight thingy, but really it's all sex and screaming orgasms. So, I'm going to just copy out some of the funnier lines and sections.

I rolled my mouth over that head, then shoved as much of him into my mouth as I could, as fast and hard as I could. It made me come up choking, but it also tore him away from Jean-Claude's mouth. Made Augie stare down at me with wild eyes. I went down on him again, slower, lingering, over the feel of him in my mouth, so ripe, so thick, and how the hard line of that curve felt going down my throat. I watched them both watch me as I did it. Auggie's eyes wide with sensation; Jean-Claude's face full of pleasure, yes, but also pride. His own vampire marks were open enjoy for me to know that he was thinking how long and how hard he had to get to this point.

Ah HAH this is all Jean-Claude's fault!

I nodded. He let go, and I fell screaming into the abyss. An abyss of skin and hands and mouths and bodies. My own body was one huge throbbing need. And I didn't particularly care how that need got met.




He explored Auggie first with fingers, and used the wetness of my body to lubricate other places that didn't normally lubricate themselves.

Doesn't that sort of indicate that sometimes they do lubricate themselves?

I came screaming, and it was as if that had been the moment both men had been waiting for, as if they had fought long and hard not to go, and suddenly they could.

And there's much power and it's shared by all of the people connected to Anita and JC and they're all sex happy and glowing. Yay.

Comments

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

You're making this up by pasting together bad lemon fanfic!

Yes that's it, I'll place my blanket over my head and say that untill I believe it!

[evewithanapple.livejournal.com]

Oh, no. No he didn't. It's all real *shivers violently*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Hahhahaha... I wish. I really, really wish.

[karaotter.livejournal.com]

Forget NSFW, this book is starting to be Not Safe For Life.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Or at least not safe for my liver.

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

That trobbing need!Whorenita is made of win and lulz. The internet is your playground, have a cookie.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Isn't that the way it is all the time in fan fiction? Throbbing need = penis?

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes, it is.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Someone needs to work on their metaphors they do.

[kunenk.livejournal.com]

…I think I've seen it used for a girl somewhere, but I don't remember where and don't really want to look.

[prototypical]

I like two guys going at it as much as the next perv, but if LKH ever writes a scene with a self-lubricating anus, or makes people think the possibility exists, I may just have to kill something. We have enough bad slash authors out there!

And of course she blames JC for enjoying watching the gay, she's still too much of a homophobe to accept she might like it on her own.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It's all down to word choice. If she had taken out the word "normally" it would have been fine.

The best part? All three are straight. XD The Aurder makes you gay!

[x-trickster-x.livejournal.com]

Actually, good ol' JC's bisexual and has a boyfriend called Asher who Anita won't let him have sex with even though they've been in love for at least a century.

[sinanju.livejournal.com]

Lies! Lies, I tells you! They are not neither gay bisexual! They have Anita and all they need is Anita, dammit! Anita's magic vajayajay is all anybody needs and she knows it!

They do not sneak around, sexing one another up at every opportunity. They do not loll about in bed together for hours on end without her. They don't. They don't!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Anita said they were all straight. (Not Asher, just JC and Auggie)

[x-trickster-x.livejournal.com]

There's LKH and her continuity again. >< JC's bi.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Anita is obviously neck-deep in a river in Egypt.

[prototypical]

Actually, JC is very bi - he and Asher (and apparently he and Auggie) were lovers in the past.

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

O_o



...I need brain bleach now...I think your pictures saved what was left of my sanity though :D

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*offers bleach*

Pictures make everything better

Pictures!

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Oh, they made this chapter. I couldn't stop laughing. That's what these books need. Silly pictures.

Oh, thank you.

Re: Pictures!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! =D

[alexseanchai]

Nice pictures.

Semi-related: In Brick Three, Eragon gets to meet a god. Did Alagaesia even have religion?

[subieko.livejournal.com]

...that's a joke, right? ...right? Those were my exact words upon following that link. O__o

And I've seen bad slash that was sexier and made more sense that this chapter!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

The dwarves have religion, which is obviously wrong because the elves say so. The elves don't believe in religion and they're atheists. I wish I could see the article but work computer doesn't like it. D: Will have more to say when I can actually see it.

[thelittlebudgie.livejournal.com]

I can't see anything that says any more about the god. Maybe it's a false god, and Eragon will prove that the elves were right?

Or maybe Paolini will just go "lol, so maybe there were elvish gods after all."

[amamelina.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a false god

Stargate anyone?

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Every SciFi ever, anyone?

[rotynd.livejournal.com]

Oh, oh, icon! Is that a Pratchett quote?

(Boo.)

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Gah I'd forgotten about the sometimes self-lubing anus. The pictures were awesome.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It's amazing the difference a word makes, isn't it?

Thank you! It couldn't help but be illustrated.

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

I rolled my mouth over that head, then shoved as much of him into my mouth as I could, as fast and hard as I could. It made me come up choking, but it also tore him away from Jean-Claude's mouth. Made Augie stare down at me with wild eyes.

Okay, this? This is not sexy! Nobody wants to see a woman jam a cock down her throat until she dry-heaves!

... Well, okay, this being the internet I'm sure plenty of people do. Still, I stand by my point; he's probably staring down at her with wide eyes because a, that's ridiculous and b, it probably kind of hurt him.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Pain is sexy... or something. Or maybe it's because she's so good... or... um...

I have no good answer to that.

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

*Certain* kinds of pain are considered sexy. Things with whips & chains & leather, for instance. Biting. Spanking. Choking.

But honestly, shoving genitalia into one's mouth "as fast and hard" as you can sounds like it's going to end badly with, y'know, tooth marks and screaming.

There's also the fact that excessive pain (excessive being a variant amount, depending on the individual) turns off your sexual pleasure-receiving sensory systems and turns on your fight or flight reaction. Pain = danger, and as my old psych professor used to say, "You don't need an erection when you're running away from a tiger."

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*Certain* kinds of pain are considered sexy. Things with whips & chains & leather, for instance. Biting. Spanking. Choking.

Point.

But honestly, shoving genitalia into one's mouth "as fast and hard" as you can sounds like it's going to end badly with, y'know, tooth marks and screaming.

Yes.

[dryaunda.livejournal.com]

Boy parts!Anita is just so KEWT! I wanna give it a big hug...and maybe a body rub.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oo Now that leads to interesting images.

[sonic-sues.livejournal.com]

Lol at the pictures! This is like something from adultfanfiction.net. All it needs is alien tentacle rape.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Don't say that. She might make it happen...

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

In the next book it is revealed that Anita's mystery lycantropy is a were-octopus, and she must fight the deadly Japanese were-octopus mastermind Hentai Otaku! And his mysterious henchment (from China) Chew Mi and Woc Yu Tu!

[kunenk.livejournal.com]

Know how to redirect any local Calamities currently hurtling past?

[emily-goddess.livejournal.com]

You ever been over to weepingcock? It's for the posting and mocking of bad sex scenes. This whole scene definitely belongs over there - I've read Snarry slashfic by thirteen-year-old virgins that was sexier than this.

Also, your first picture reminds me of a shoggoth. I only wish I could see the second image :-(