Boooring.

[kippurbird]

Short tonight!

We're plowing through towards the end. Plowing, plowing, plowing, like through mounds of horse shit. Now then, if we recall, Failee was being horribly incesty. Earwig calls her on it saying that the product would be a result of horrible inbreeding. However Failee thought of that. She tells him how she bred the minions "Bred them from humans taken from the countryside and mated over time with the many exotic animals we found here." Oh... hay. We finally hit bestiality. How about that. I was wondering when we'd get to it. About time. I think we've hit just about everything. Did we miss anything? Anyone? Now that we've hit this new low, Failee tells us that she created a spell that prevents inbreeding in the minions and that's what she's going to use with Triscuit's baby and his aunt.

Remember that gargoyle thing that talked too much and rather elegantly? Apparently they're the pre-Minions. In fact, it is the same gargoyle that Triscuit supposedly killed. Earwig explains to us in long detail about how this could be. Gargoyle says that he was promised Triscuit's heart. Also they eat slaves that disappoint Sushi and the others. Another reason why Dwarf kept on needing to find new ones. Dwarf apparently didn't know this. After three hundred years he some how didn't know this. Even though he went with Sushi everywhere like one of those little yap dogs, he didn't know this.

It's a plot hole the size of ...
Belgium?
Um... yes. Belgium works.

More boring rambling. A couple more uses of the word "nastily".

And finally we get to the point. Will Triscuit have sex with them? He refuses. They start to choke Earwig to get him to agree. Unfortunately they don't kill him. Instead they're going to turn him into a bloodstalker. Why couldn't they just kill him? If he's alive he can be trouble. Just kill him. In a desperate attempt Earwig tells her that she's going to destroy life as we know it. Of course she doesn't believe him.

She then leaves them there to hang after saying that she's going to have Sludge go after all the lepers to find out who helped them get there.

Comments

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

I'll get started on my parody fic right now. I was going to start tomorrow, but this is too stupid for words and deserves to be mocked ASAP.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

There is nothing you can write that would make this seem more ridiculous than it really is. No, nothing.

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Oh I don't have to make it more ridiculous. I'm just putting some characters with some brains in that world to see what kind of damage they can do to the stupid characters (which includes just about everybody in this book).

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Are you really sure you want to? I mean, it kind of mocks itself. But hey! If you do so, please give us a link to the parody! It might help cleanse our souls of this hideous muck. :)

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

I'm doing it to cleanse myself of this hideous muck.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

WOo! I can't wait to read it!

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

I think we've hit just about everything. Did we miss anything?

*raises hand* I haven't seen any up-front, intentional male/male 8U7753X yet! I don't count that 'wrestling match' Triscuit had with Doomed Guy #1 at the beginning of the book. It wasn't obvious enough. =P

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Good point! Kippur, Newcomb might avoid that one. I mean, the man doesn't think Lesbian Kisses(tm) are hot. Clearly he is afraid (or in the closet) about all gayness. XD

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Probably Triscuit would've been alright if the lesbian kiss hadn't involved his sister...I think Newcomb was trying to create a bit o' personality for our salty little cracker 'Hero' by having him be horrified by his sister's embrace of lesbianism. =P

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yeah but male/male doesn't exist. Don't you know that?

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

I...I...I refuse to believe it! *runs off into the sunset, trailing glistening crystal tears*

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Somebody should drop Fai from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles (by CLAMP) on Newcomb's head. The world would explode from the flamboyancy...

And then we'd have "endowed" eyeballs... Don't ask unless you read the manga. Yay for crazy Japanese. XDDDD

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

People bred with animals? Spells that prevent inbreeding? Gargoyles coing back to life for people's hearts? Whaaaat?

And weren't the misbehaving slaves being fed to a pit of snakes a few chapters ago? Never mind that there shouldn't be misbehaving slaves given the drug. Frankly, I don't think Belgium is big enough.

What's with Sushi or Failee or whoevery leaving before she gets Triscuit in the sack? You don't threaten people to get them to have sex with you and then leave before they do. That's as stupid as...as...as locking people up with their weapons. Oh, wait...

*headdesk*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Once again. Over here is logic. Way, way, way past the moon is Newcomb reality. Notice how they're nowhere near each other.

[wariena.livejournal.com]

I don't think we've had necrophilia yet. Still, the second that crops up, I'm hitting the shower and scrubbing until I go red-raw. I WILL NOT BE CLEAN. O__O

I like the gargoyle though. He's got moxie. =D

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

... Hrmm. Weirdly enough, I'm uncertain if I would be anymore offended if he did include that. I think what would horrify me more was if he tossed in his equivalent of the Reavers from Firefly. That would really suck ass, considering they're horrible as is (for characters to meet, anyway) and THEN we'd have the issue of Newcomb mangling them into something freakishly outlandish on top of that.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Neither will I. Neither will I.

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

*headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk**headdesk*

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

No! Don't draw blood by bashing your brains in! It'll only excite him! @_@

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

yeah, maybe you're right, flying magic lamp... getting dizzy....

lahfsxk

*flomp*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*gives pillow*

It gets worse.

[(Anonymous)]

What does hot inbreeding magic have to do with bestiality? I suppose that breeding humans and animals makes the Minions furries, so we can add that to the list.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Well after they bred the minions they only wanted to breed the minions with other minions which would cause inbreeding problems.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Uhm, lessee, we've done blood play, menstruation fetish, bondage, sado-masochism, discipline, lesbianism, female bisexuality, slavery, furries, beastiality, leather, latex, non-consensual, mind-control, virginity, prostitutes, pregnancy (Shailihaha is preggers remember), asphyxiation, incest, exhibition, humiliation, blackmail, torture, masturbation, and various couplings: F/m, M/f, F+/m, F/m+, F/mf, F/f+, F+/f, F+/f+, F+/m+, and... that's about it... tell me if I missed something.

The only things that seem to be missing are coprophillia, necrophillia, male homosexuality (homo erotica don't count), and on-screen snuff (though we have had off-screen snuff rape). But hey there's what fifty pages still to go?

All in all a charming book by an author who will, I'm sure, go far in the world. He's touched more fetishes than did the Marquis de Sade!

P.S. And for all of you who've read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy the word Belgium is very appropriate for this whole story!

[carolpent.livejournal.com]

We haven't done diaper fetish yet!

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

...you're... you're right. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Wait, have we done genderswitch? Will Triscuit (or one of the sorceresses) turn into a girl?

AND HOW COULD YOU NOT MENTION HERMAPHRODITISM?! Have you NEVER read Subjugation or Little Miss Mary? You haven't? But they will bring you enlightenment! The sort of enlightenment that comes from insanity! :D

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

*grins at Guardians_Song* Just imagine if the fanfic writer of either of those teamed up with Newcomb. Or worse, Newcomb rewrote those stories. ;)

Hrmm, wait. Would there really be much of a difference then? Given that Little Miss Mary is pretty misogynistic... (Subjugation I have thankfully kept myself from reading.)

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Do you REEEEEEEEEEEEALLY want Little Miss Tristan?

[carolpent.livejournal.com]

He'd run around in a frilly little dress and act like a five year old! At least it would be less cliche than this dreck.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

How is this different, aside from the dress?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'm sure we'll add a few more to that list indeed.

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

What do the +s mean? What is mf? Coprophillia?

Anyhow, I don't think that's NEARLY all of the fetishes out there. For example, there's... um... um...

Oh! Fat fetish! And inflation! Feeding fetish! Foot fetish! Fruit fetish! Why am I mostly thinking of ones that start with f?

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

P.S. And for all of you who've read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy the word Belgium is very appropriate for this whole story! The American edition, anyways. The British edition just had "Most gratuitous use fo the word 'fuck' in a serious screenplay", and the whole bit about how horrible a word Belgium is was added to the US version.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm hoping for Amputation Fetish, Vore and Guro myself. Especially if they involve Triscuit.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

[thelittlebudgie.livejournal.com]

I've got to admit, an inbreeding spell would be useful for small populations, even if I can't figure out how the hell it would work.

But... um... wow. How many more fetishes is this guy gonna work in? I'm half expecting fireplay to work its way into here.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Someone else mentioned the Diaper Fetish. Now that I have read that statement, I think that would take the cake here if he actually managed to work it in. ;P

As for the inbreeding spell for small populations, there's an easy way to fix that: Nomads. :D

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Magic!

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Here's a link to Magic's End (http://kellicat.livejournal.com/1384.html#cutid1), my anti-fanfic for this stupid book.

[(Anonymous)]

Did we already have pedophilia, or did I miss that?

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Off-screen maybe, in the rah-rah gangbang scene.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Failee tells us that she created a spell that prevents inbreeding in the minions and that's what she's going to use with Triscuit's baby and his aunt.

What does "prevent inbreeding" even mean? By definition, Tristan's baby and his aunt IS INBREEDING. I presume that means "prevent the negative consequences of inbreeding", but if you can manipulate the genetics with magic like that, then ... why do you need special breeding to begin with? Can'd you just use magic genetic engineering?

Dwarf apparently didn't know this. After three hundred years he some how didn't know this. Even though he went with Sushi everywhere like one of those little yap dogs, he didn't know this.

Wow ... that's like the Nazi war criminal defendants who claimed to have no idea that the Jews they were rounding up were being killed ...

It's a plot hole the size of ...
Belgium?
Um... yes. Belgium works.

Belgium? More like Canada. Or maybe even Russia. Asia perhaps? Yeah, I think Asia MIGHT just work.