Blood bath!

[kippurbird]

So, more work news stuff. Apparently a guy the Boss Man hired came to work yesterday for three hours. Today he quit without even coming in.

Bad things.

Bad book we are back with.



Triscuit (instead of He for once) is waiting to become King. He smells potpourri, fresh cut flowers and anticipation. I never realized that anticipation smelled. It probably smells like sweet rotten eggs, because that makes just the same amount of sense. Yummy. I just love his word choices. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Triscuit continues to act like a spoiled brat by wearing his usual outfit with the quiver of dirks. He doesn't want to be king so he's going to eschew proper protocol and wear inappropriate clothes. He's going to be such a wonderful king, isn't he? He's more interested his own personal issues than proving to the people that he will be a good king. Though he thinks, "If it is a king I must be, then it is a king of the common people that I shall strive to remain." How does acting like a spoiled child mean that he's acting like a king for the common people? It should be his actions and not how he looks that proves that he's the king of the common people.

However, this is merely a plot device. See when the Evil Minions of Evil attack, he will have his weapons and thus be able to fight back. And then he'll be justified in wearing his weapons and dressing like he does. Because he's just that special.

Side note: Apparently the magical stone that the king can't take off when it's put in the water from the magical blood pool in a magical chalice (again that's not helping) renders all magic users magically sterile. Sorceresses and Wizards alike. Once the magical stone is magically cleaned it can be magically placed on Magical Triscuit. I've never heard of anything so stupid. What sort of the magic system becomes completely impotent when you dip a rock in water? I guess it's a good thing it only happens once every thirty years or so. But really, that's a stupid flaw... and kind of stretching believability. All magic can't be connected to a stone like that. It's highly impractical... wait, sorry. Never mind. Trying to apply logic here. Like trying to hear sound in a void. Utterly useless.

Moving on.

There is a pretty speech by Earwig and Triscuit marvels at the fact people are cheering him on as king. I would be too, if I acted like a complete and total ass. Earwig pours the bloody water into the sacred chalice and Triscuit gets horny for magic. "At the sight of the water, his blood surged with the desire with desire for the craft" That is some magical water.

Or a really bad pick up line.

"Hey babe, you want to help me practice my craft?"

Maybe that's how he gets all those girls into bed with him.

Heh.

So, stone goes into chalice and is supposed to sit around for two hours until it's purified. BUT that doesn't happen. Instead the author takes the time to step out of the story and Triscuit's POV to say this.

Just as the executioner's ax falls, just as the horse trips and the rider knows he is going down, just as the archer's fingers loose the arrow -- whenever the portent of disaster arrives and the entire world begins to spin in a terrifying kind of slow motion, the words that one hears at that precise moment can go on almost forever in one's head, a sickening, unforgettable prelude to disaster.

Tristan did not know it, but his world was about to change forever.

There are no words to express how I feel at this moment. But I shall try.

Thank you for completely stalling and pointing out the obvious Mr. Newcomb. Would you like to tell us that sun is hot, that water is wet, that cats do strange things as well? Isn't the point of this novel the fact that Triscuit's life is never going to be the same? After all he's the hero and it would defeat the purpose of the story for nothing to change. This is, after all, what a story is supposed to do, show character growth (and not down there) and change. If his world was not about to change forever, then we wouldn't have a story (or even less of one than we have now, strange but true). By taking the time to point this out you've proven that you think your readers are idiots and/or you're just trying to be pretentious. After all it does sound dramatic, even though it completely contradicts your previous style. It sure does sound special. Like you Mr. Newcomb. Like you.

Right. Begin Blood Bath Now.

Fredrick (Sister's husband) loses his head. Didn't someone say he was going to die? Cookies for you.
Triscuit uses his knives that thankfully and coincidentally he was wearing. *GASP*
Lots of guards die.
Triscuit is ordered to stay on the dais with Earwig.
The five other wizards die horribly.
Triscuit tries to take the stone out of the water but SOMETHING tells him that he shouldn't.
More bloodshed.
Triscuit tries to kill leader (What was his name? Sludge? I don't remember) with his knives but they're blocked.
Triscuit charges Sludge and they fight, Triscuit thinking that everything he's doing is to avenge Fredrick. As opposed to, you know, protect his kingdom.
The cat runs off with my shoe. Dunno why. He's a strange cat.
Sludge calls him a boy (again, not surprising since he's acting like a teenager) and drags him off to the dais again where the family is being held hostage.
Lots of people die messily.
Chick that Triscuit did is dead.
Dire Proclamation number five "I will kill this creature one day. In the name of everything I am, and all that I hold dear, I will kill him."

End Blood Bath. Hrm... right. So. Sludge has them all sit down and introduces himself. It's Kluge not Sludge. Whatever. Sludge is threatening, including with the I'm going to rape your Queen bit. And then Sushi shows up and there's a long descriptive passage about what she looks like. Because yes, this is something that you would pay attention to when a whole bunch of people just got slaughtered around you and your family's lives are at stake. Oogling the pretty girl.

Tristan now had the opportunity to look directly into her face, and despite the severity of the circumstances, what he saw almost took his breath away. Her dark, exotic, almond shaped eyes seemed to give silent commands all of their own, and whenever the full, inviting red lips parted, they revealed perfect, white teeth. He had never seen a woman's hair this long, or with such a luminous texture. It hung down her back like strands of the best black silk, ending just above her waist.

You know, he keeps on describing Sushi as exotic... but exotic from what? Where is it that she's supposed to come from that makes her looks exotic? Is she just exotic? Is that even possible?

She takes the magical stone and then monologues for fivish pages. Obviously she's never read the Evil Overlord's List.

#6 I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
#7 When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.

And that's all I can handle for today. Good night pigeons.

Comments

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Considering the general stupidity of magic users and those with "endowed blood" (which is related to magic using, right? It's so hard to keep all the stupid straight.), perhaps someone should do the world a favor and use the stone to render all magic users sterile, magically or otherwise. It could only improve the general inteligence of the land.

Also, Triscuit is a seriously freaky "hero." It's bad enough he acts like someone half his age, but having the hots for the villainess under these circumstances? o.O That's just...wrong.

(Sorry to hear work is continuing to be a mess.)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You can only do magic if you have endowed blood. Which is the stupidest thing to call it, as I've said time and time again.

Yes but she's hot! So that overrules everything!

[wayoffbase.livejournal.com]

I am confused.

What sort of person looks at writing like this and thinks "Hey, this is high quality writing. Clearly I should publish it."

Also, what is the point of this book? What exactly is supposed to be happening? I have yet to detect a plot.

It is mind boggling.

Also, speaking of pigeons.

(A picspam of assorted birds, including) pigeons: http://khukuri.livejournal.com/80907.html#cutid1

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

Kippur and I were talking about it.

My theory is that a lot of bad books were greenlighted by a disgruntled editors taking a potshot at their employer.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

I'm still going with my blind octopus theory. Though disgruntled editors could explain alot, too.

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

Going by what I learned from my writing class, most editors are disgruntled. Mostly from trudging through piles of letters from clueless wannabe authors, recieving manuscripts in unacceptable formats or outside their publishing genre. When they do actually get somethign they can use and is semi-readable they have to bring it to a roundtable of other editors in the publishing house, all trying to get the book that caught their attention published by the head honchos who actually make those decisions.

It's a pretty sad and painful process really.

[wayoffbase.livejournal.com]

This editor must have been really disgruntled.

Really, really disgruntled.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

What sort of person looks at writing like this and thinks "Hey, this is high quality writing. Clearly I should publish it."

Drunk or disgruntled. Or maybe both.

I do not believe there is a plot to be detected.

Those are some funky ass pigeons.

[wayoffbase.livejournal.com]

I'm going for both.

I agree. But, I mean, why would you want a plot? I mean, gosh.

=D

[sonic-sues.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing that some editor saw the book and thought, "This book has lots of kinky sex in it. Sex sells."

[wayoffbase.livejournal.com]

Possibly. Though I'd rather have a top quality plot over kinky sex, tbh. Plot is awesome. Writers should apply it more often.

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, how was the traditional "intro fight scene were a minor character dies so that the main character can angst"? I mean, was the fight scene at least well written (I'll settle for not pretentious)?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It was a mess. Very angsty. Triscuit standing around like an deer in the headlights taking it all in for a bit.

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

It could be cool if handled as Triscuit going OMGWTFBBQ from shock.

Then again, he's thirty. In a dangerous (coughSEXUALcough) "fantasy" land.

*sigh*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

He's not supposed to be the sort going into shock. He's the Many Man Hero. He's supposed to leap into the fray.

He threw knives instead.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

But knives are cool right?

Right?

Knives are still cool aren't they?

There's just one thing that confuses me... why does he have them in a quiver? It sounds really, really awkward.

[carolpent.livejournal.com]

Presumably because of budget restraints. Sheaths are a major sinkhole in this world, you realize.

I just had the mental image of Triscuit getting his daggers out of a Pez container.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Sheathes are old hat; quiver sounds cooler.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

You know...

I can't help it but the idea of knives in a quiver it reminds me of... This is gonna sound really weird but it reminds me of this movie. Then again maybe I'm just a sicko, but the whole theme fits in so well with the crazy view on women and...

*coughs* well?

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

*watches trailer*

...

What.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Vagina Dentata what a wonderful phrase!

Seriously that's what it reminded me of, so maybe I'm crazy but... there you are then! Quivers are often used to stand in for vaginas, so he has lots of sharp, nasty things stuffed into a vaginal metaphore?

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

He has enough subtext to deal with already.

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

what he saw almost took his breath away.

Wow, way to put your priorities there, Trissy. Even though my character, Hunter, is a bit of a horndog, he sure as hell wouldn't be ogling a pretty lady in a life or death situation (or would he? HAHAHAHAHA no, he wouldn't). Why not just say that she's got size E cups and a curvy body as well? Why not also add in that she's a wild cat in bed and can bend certain ways no human being could ever do? Why not rocks fall, everyone dies?

At least Paolini had one likable character in his crap novel, even if he was brutally raped to oblivion. D:

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Why not just say that she's got size E cups and a curvy body as well? Why not also add in that she's a wild cat in bed and can bend certain ways no human being could ever do?

It was mentioned previously. That's why.

Why not rocks fall, everyone dies?

Because God hates me.

[(Anonymous)]

The cat runs off with my shoe. Dunno why. He's a strange cat.

I like this part. It seems to have a lot of potential compared to the rest of the book.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Doesn't it? It was my favorite part. Afterwards he scratched around in the bathtub.

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Suicide swaggers up to Alec.
"Hey babe, you want to help me practice my craft?" *Brow squiggle*

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

*giggle snort*

Sure!

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Suicide: Oh my god, I am so friending you!

Q: Nooo I don't wanna log out then back in your freakin' Elf.

Side: Pleaaase?

Q: No. I'll friend him and you can read over my shoulder.

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

Hah! =D

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Fredrick (Sister's husband) loses his head. Didn't someone say he was going to die? Cookies for you.

Ha! I was right! I thought that was the only reason a shitty author would be stumbling all over his own prose to tell us how OMGAWESOME a young male character who's not the Hero is.

*munches cookies*

[hungryblackmage.livejournal.com]

But Kippur, you can't stop now. You were about to hit the BDSM with homosexual undertones! THINK OF THE MEAT FANS D:

I sense a disturbance in the porn, as if a thousand voices cried out but there was no splooge

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

... I feel so much better about the porn I write. I really do. Especially since most of the porn I've come up with in recent years does tend to have something of a plot. It has so much plot that I only ever get a few scenes written, the vast majority of which aren't actual sex scenes... though there is sexual tension in most of them and one or two are at least the lead up to sex, if not just sex.

Now, I'm not saying my plots are good plots... but I have exceptional glee when introducing a variety of secondary characters (mostly from canon) that tend to push the plot along (because the pairing themselves are often dragged into the plot reluctantly.) And I often create my own villains or bring in other canon villains to do stuff that stirs up the world around them.

Though I have noticed, since I haven't "published" any of them on the internets yet, I tend to rework similar scene ideas and themes into each one (and I jump from fandom to fandom like the plot bunnies that I ride in on.)

I have a lot of liking for jaded, humorous, typically physically unimpressive but usually distinctly odd looking, often villainous males, usually with a canon chick. (The male is usually a villain/anti-hero from the fandom but I swear I try to choose a semi-reasonable pairing.) ... Though I tend to pick a small range of divergent personalities, out of those choices. That has been the inconsistent factor, though one of them (sometimes the male, sometimes the female) is calm, cool, and collected in almost every situation... at least outwardly, while the other is either more sociable, more cheerful, or just a lot more motivated to do something specific.

I also strive, but sometimes fail, to make the romantic conflict stem from the personalities and general lives of the romantic duo I choose.

And there's more but I'll stop boring everyone now. Heehee.

Where did you find this crap, Kippur? This stuff actually reminds me of the Serial Womb Stealing author. ;P