Vaguries of magic

[kippurbird]

Earwig is sitting around doing nothing. He has his eyes closed as he thinks about what happened and searches "his mind for Triscuit's presence". I'm not really sure what searching your mind for someone is going to do. Is that like trying to remember them? I mean if he had said, "trying to sense Triscuit with his magical connection to those with endowed blood." *sniggers endowed* then it would make more sense. He senses with his mind that Triscuit's presence "had been altered. Irrevocably. Which meant that something major had happened to Tristan that had changed him in a profound way." He became a woman. But really, "profound way" can we be any more vague or mysterious? The Hero is no longer an ordinary man but how he's changed we don't know. It's just strange and mysterious. That he's a woman.

Earwig is worried. He knows about Hartwick Woods and there is something in there that he doesn't want to think about. "But the old one's mind sheered away from that possibility." Which of course means that is what Triscuit ran into that thing that Earwig wanted not to think about. As he thinks about things he doesn't want to think about he also ogles Sister.

He turned to check on Shailiha as she lay sleeping. Her impending pregnancy did little to disturb her great beauty. Her long, golden blond hair and her tall, exquisite form had come directly from her mother, Queen Morganna. But her hazel eyes, sensuous mouth, and happy, compassionate nature were all her own.

First of all is an impending pregnancy like a preannouncement? Especially if she's already five months pregnant. Did they preannounce the impending pregnancy? Second of all, really old wizards who have known someone since they were born shouldn't be thinking such things about that woman. It's kinda creepy.

Apparently the twins have an "Ultimate Potential" which Earwig can't tell them and he's sad, sad sad about not being able to tell them. Good forbid they know how powerful they are, so they won't accidentally you know, blow something up or something. Something always triggers off powers and things always go boom. Things that wouldn't go boom if they knew how powerful they were and how to control their powers. I'm sorry... wait... how are they supposed to be surprised at how powerful they are and surprise the enemies if they knew how powerful they were?

We learn that there was no written history pre-three hundred years ago and the end of the Sorceresses' War.

Sadly, he reminded himself, there was no written history before their victory in the Sorceresses' War. So little was known about those times. It was only upon the wizard's triumph in that awful conflict that the scribes had been ordered to begin to record public events.

Because people never record history unless they were told to. I mean, no one told the cavemen to paint on the caves to record their history. But of course the Evil Women Sorceresses were preventing people from recording history. And once the Men came into power, civilization happened. Because women just can't do civilization. Only Men can. Women are just too evil to allow civilization. Instead they destroy it.

And we find out that the caves that Triscuit are called "The Caves of Paragon" which is horrifying. I dunno why. He has red stains on his pants from the red water of the Caves. I have absolutely no idea what to say to that... except that they have pads for that. And tampons. He has been changed into a woman. He has, he has, he has.

There's another mention of the azure light around the twins which completely kills any suspense as to who the Chosen Ones are. Oh and Triscuit is glowing blue. He's a shining example of womanhood.

There's a POV shift.

And I'm starting wonder why the sister was even there. She's done nothing. Except to ogle Earwig.

The mysterious red water has made Triscuit hungry for knowledge about magic. Red Bull?

Oh! And we're having one of those misunderstanding conversations. Those are the ones where one person knows something but won't tell the other person, but if they told a lot of problems wouldn't happen later. But this is supposed to cause Tension.

Earwig tells Triscuit about magic. Yay infodump!

Magic is genetic. There are two schools of thought,

Vigors which is the beneficent side of the craft and requires great selflessness and sacrifice. It is the school of magic to which each of the wizards of the Directorate have taken their vows. Simply put, the Vigors teach those facets of the craft that produce charity, kindness, and deeds for others. It is the only type of magic practiced by wizards.

The other side of the craft is called the Vagaries. It is practiced for power and greed, and the depravities of it's execution knows no bounds. It is said that complete mastery of the the vagaries always result in madness. During the war, the sorceresses practiced only the Cagaries, the wizards only the Vigors. ... The Vagaries are the most dangerous of all aspects of the craft - not more powerful than the Vigors, but far more destructive. And destruction was the tool needed by most sorceresses to accomplish their goals."

I was wrong. The previous statement wasn't sexist. THIS is sexist.

Moving on.

We learn that the only difference between wizards and sorceresses are their gender. But it doesn't say that only women can practice the Vagaries and the men Vigors. It sort of implies that though. Finally we get our Dues Ex Machina. No. Really.

The various aspects of the craft are infinite, Tristan. For both the Vigors and the Vagaries. Spells, enchantments, incantations, transformations, potions, divinations, symbols - the list goes on and on. And each thing in nature has its own place in the craft. Thus the study of the craft is infinite and, for those of us with endowed blood, irresistibly compelling.

It slices! It Dices! It even makes Julian fries! As well as making people incredibly horny... again with the endowed blood. Couldn't he have picked a better word than endowed. My mind keeps on going down. And really, it spends enough time in the gutter as it is. It really doesn't need to spend more time down there.

Earwig lies to Triscuit. And there's so much he'd like to tell him too. But he doesn't tell him because.... he has no choice. Information is always better than no information. Ignorance is not bliss. It helps you not do stupid things in the future. Triscuit however is unique and has never been seen before. He's just that special.

Blah, blah, blah. Earwig shows Triscuit a shiny magical ball of light which is magic and Triscuit acts like he's never seen magic before. The Vigors are light and happy, the Vagaries are dark and evil. Once again magic is divided into good and evil, light and dark as opposed to the real world which is made of shades of gray. Life just isn't that easy. And apparently if you try to combine the two you cause a tear in space. EXCEPT for the CHOSEN ONE who is supposed to bring about the joining of the two without causing the End of Life as We Know It.

Women practicing magic had been outlawed but Earwig wants Triscuit to make it so they're not outlawed. This will allow Sister to be trained in magic (Though they don't actually say that) Then Earwig says that the magic does have limits... but they're self imposed pretty much.

In a stunning turn of events, Newcomb has a sucky editor. While talking about women practicing again, Triscuit goes, "Perhaps if the women were to be trained, and I think they should, then as a prerequisite we could ask them also to submit to the death enchantments." A page later he thinks to himself, "Tristan was stunned, his mind full of questions. Death enchantments?"
He knew about the death enchantments a page ago, why not now? So that he could sound good and wise and intelligent. And then he is stupid again so that we can have explained to us. Basically if the wizards do Vagaries they die. Poof.

Triscuit thinks "Deep Thoughts". And then brings up something we never heard of before, the "Paragon". Gee, do you think this blood red stone has anything to do with the menstruation pool in the Paragon Cave? Oh and there's a Paragon Tome. Obviously we need better names.

Cave shall now be known as "The Menstruation Pool."
Stone is now "Blood Clot"
Tome is now "Sex Ed Book"

Back to the blood clot. It apparently is a magical stone that can do something that they don't know what to a person who has endowed blood. But Triscuit is apparently going to be able to use the stone for some reason because he's just that special. The blood clot is only useful with the sex ed book.

Earwig then tests Triscuit by asking him if he knew where the two were found. Which is an idiotic question, because how would Triscuit know where they were found? He doesn't know that the menstruation pools are called the Paragon Caves why would he make the connection? But somehow Earwig expects him to make such a connection. Triscuit says no he doesn't know where they were found, which is true. Of course it's obvious to us because of the over use of the word Paragon.

Suddenly the sister is remembered (why was she here again?) and they decide to go.

Remember how Earwig was dropping that powder and I said it was a trail like for Hansel and Gretal? I was right.

The chapter ends with this lovely exchange:

Tristan was stunned. Looking into the old one's eyes, he whispered, "Wigg, how is such a thing possible?"

Wigg gazed calmly at Tristan and Shailiha.

"I thought by now you both knew," he said, raising the familiar eyebrow. "It's magic."

I hate that "it's magic." It's magic is NOT a proper excuse for something. Explain it and stop acting all mysterious about it. No on cares.

Comments

[wariena.livejournal.com]

But her hazel eyes, sensuous mouth, and happy, compassionate nature were all her own.

Is that even possible? Can people actually spontaneously generate genetic traits? *smacks author with biology book* Bad author! Bad!

That magic system is just plain stupid. Doesn't that mean that wizards (men) can't be evil even if they want to be, and vice versa for sorceresses? That's BEYOND sexist- that's downright ridiculous. I also keep reading "Vagaries" as "Vaginas". Go fig.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Is that even possible? Can people actually spontaneously generate genetic traits? *smacks author with biology book* Bad author! Bad!

I have no idea. Honestly.

That magic system is just plain stupid. Doesn't that mean that wizards (men) can't be evil even if they want to be, and vice versa for sorceresses? That's BEYOND sexist- that's downright ridiculous. I also keep reading "Vagaries" as "Vaginas". Go fig.

Men do the Vagaries but they're much more aulteristic to do it. Only one man in the War actually switched sides and went evil.

And yes, so do I.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

It really _is_ the kingdom of stupid. Which, I suppose, is good, since if it weren't the kingdom of stupid, someone might have offed the glowing Chosen Ones by now. Or kidnapped them, or whatever else one might want to do with Chosen Ones.

Thank god for Wigg and his Vapors...I mean...Vigors. (Vigors? Endowed? Am I the only one who thinks this author _really_ needed to get laid? Presumably by a fellow man, considering women are teh evil and all.)

[wariena.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's why the women in his book are evil? Because he can't get laid?

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

The womans vagina's are destroying his endowed Chosen One, except when united.


It really is too easy.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

I vote we call the Vigours and Vagaries the Vapors and Vaginaries from now on! :)

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

Although vigours is funny on its own.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

YOU STOLE MY ****ING THOUGHT. My mind actually translated "Vagaries" as "Vaginaries" a few seconds after I read it. >:( Oh well. :)

(paranoid feminist mode) And does everyone think the names themselves are sexist? Men wield the Vigours, which are... good and VIGOROUS, while women wield the Vagina... I mean, Vagaries, which are... evil and Vague. :P And funny, in the stereotypes of genders, I always thought it were the WOMEN who were the self-sacrificing ones - oh, wait, these are SORCERESSES we're talking about. My mistake.

I wonder if this is worse than Terry Goodkind's system, where the Male Gift was SPESHULER than the Female Gift (though I can't remember how - stronger?). At least, here, the Female side is just as strong, though evil. I'm not sure whether it's worse to perceive women as weak or evil. I mean, ideally, they aren't perceived as either, but is strength or goodness more important in perception? ...Frankly, I've wondered if being the EVUL Archvillainess would be better than being the two-dimensional Caring Woman... At least the Archvillainesses get to have some facsimile of human emotions, and existence outside from the Heroic Males of the series. (/end paranoid feminist mode)

:P Seriously, the bad guys have it better off in bad fantasy! :) Even in Terry Goodkind, the villains-of-the-book of Temple of the Winds had far more personality than the heroes! I was rooting for Drefan until his personality got dumped out the window so he could be evil... yeah, he was a jerk, but he had decent 'explanations' up 'til then. And better an effective jerk who ultimately does moral things than to be a whiny OMG SEEKER OF TRUTH who just bitches and gets himself into horrid situations that he only escapes from by the almighty power of the Deus Ex Machina. :D (/end rant)

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

I'd say it's better to be evil than weak, too. At least you get some respect. Although, the villain does revolve around the hero, just not to the extent the Designated Love Interest does.

As for the magical nomenclature, it's pretty obvious. Men will never understand women...from the point of view of a man, that is.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

But only Earwig can see that they're the Chosen ones... because he's just that special.

I'm using that a lot. God that's depressing.

(Vigors? Endowed? Am I the only one who thinks this author _really_ needed to get laid? Presumably by a fellow man, considering women are teh evil and all.)

He's apparently married (according the back of the book) but maybe he ain't getting his buttsex.

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

I wish were back to watching the hog play fetch. I don't buy any of this junk for a second, and I wish something INTERESTING would happen. Guess I picked the book book to wish that for, though...

I hate that "it's magic." It's magic is NOT a proper excuse for something. Explain it and stop acting all mysterious about it. No on cares.

Agreed. I think someone should give this author a good smack to knock him off his high horse...hog...whatever.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I wish were back to watching the hog play fetch. I don't buy any of this junk for a second, and I wish something INTERESTING would happen. Guess I picked the book book to wish that for, though...

You mean you DON'T think the mysterious cave of menstruation blood is interesting?!

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

*blink*

I just realised something, he's ripping off Star Wars! I mean the Vigors and Vagaries use almost the exact same wording as Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda does to describe the Force! Compare what Wigg said to this:

Yoda: Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.
Luke: Vader... Is the dark side stronger?
Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?
Yoda: You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

So its subtler than Paolini, but he's still ripping off Star Wars something fierce!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oh. Wow. How about that. He's really lazy that one.

[(Anonymous)]

" Tristan was stunned. Looking into the old one's eyes, he whispered, "Wigg, how is such a thing possible?"

Wigg gazed calmly at Tristan and Shailiha.

"I thought by now you both knew," he said, raising the familiar eyebrow. "It's magic." "

Wow, my blood actually boiled upon reading that.
Because you KNOW the author so desperately wanted that to sound, I don't know, smart, or clever, or somehow special, and yet.
And YET.
AND YET.
Yeah, and yet it's so pretentious.
Damn you, author; damn you and your smart-in-the-pants wizard.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Wow, my blood actually boiled upon reading that.
Because you KNOW the author so desperately wanted that to sound, I don't know, smart, or clever, or somehow special, and yet.
And YET.
AND YET.
Yeah, and yet it's so pretentious.
Damn you, author; damn you and your smart-in-the-pants wizard.

I screamed out loud in frustration. Scared the cat. And then wanted to strangle someone.

It's happening a lot in this book.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Earwig, I hereby dub thee "Creepy old man."

Now that Triscuit's turned into a woman, this means he can find a nice man to be with and it won't be homosexual! Right? :D

Is it just me, or does Sister-dear's name seem really...stupid? Like, Sue-level stupid? Why doesn't she have a more ordinary name like her brother? I mean, honestly. How do you even pronounce that? Shally-ha? I can't see the pronunciation, so my mind just skips over her name like it would a jumble of nonsensical letters...which is basically what her name is. >.>

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Earwig, I hereby dub thee "Creepy old man."

There's all sorts of weird sexual things going on in this book, isn't there?

Now that Triscuit's turned into a woman, this means he can find a nice man to be with and it won't be homosexual! Right? :D

Yup.

Is it just me, or does Sister-dear's name seem really...stupid? Like, Sue-level stupid? Why doesn't she have a more ordinary name like her brother? I mean, honestly. How do you even pronounce that? Shally-ha? I can't see the pronunciation, so my mind just skips over her name like it would a jumble of nonsensical letters...which is basically what her name is. >.>

I just kind of skip over it too. Hence me calling her Sister than shililiaiaha whatever her name is. And yes, it is Sue Level Stupid.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

In my mind I pronounce it the way Van Morrison does in "Brown Eyed Girl".

"...la te da."

[spoofmaster]

Wait...so the "good" magic users are enchanted so they die if they use "bad" magic? But wouldn't they have to use the Vigors to enchant the magic users to drop dead, and isn't that a destructive aspect of magic? Sounds like an inconsistent magic system to me.

[b2wm.livejournal.com]

But no, both sides of magic has unlimited potential, so it's okay. (...So why have two, again?)

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Do not question the wisdom of the Vapors and the Vaginaries! For the Vapors can strike down even the greatest man! Even if he sometimes becomes a woman and walks around in red water.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Triscuit needs a tampon.

(Off-topic, but WTF*** - the Firefox spellcheck offers "Promiscuity" as a correction for Triscuit! O_o This may explain the... creative malapropisms in badfic. XD)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Because if there isn't a good and bad side then you can't have EVIL SORCERESSES, obviously.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Sounds like an inconsistent magic system to me.

You're expecting logic. Stop that.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

XD I want to dump one of these "Because It's Magic!" Stus into an MPreg fic one of these days.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT! And no, you can't abort it! You'll be tied to your rival for the rest of your life, because of the baby -"

"WHY?! I'm MALE!"

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

He's a woman now? :) This explains the menstruation pool, the smallness of his phallic objects (although if it was clitoric, shouldn't he really have been fighting with thumbtacks? Ooh, that sounds cool. Triscuit! The Thumbtack Warrior! :D), and his aversion towards marrying women... XD

"Couldn't he have picked a better word than endowed. My mind keeps on going down. "
O_o AUUUUUUGH! You do know what "going down [on]" is a euphemism for, right?! O_O Eek. Eeeeeeeeeep.

"He has red stains on his pants from the red water of the Caves."
Oh Lordy, he's Eragon? When'd he get the chance to fly on a dragon?

"Cave shall now be known as "The Menstruation Pool."
Stone is now "Blood Clot"
Tome is now "Sex Ed Book""
D: You are absolutely freaking disgusting, and the sporking god. D8 I can't even laugh at that mental image... *is physically ill*

XD You are excellent, as always. But still...

I never, never, never, never never never want to meet a man with a menstruation fetish. NEVER. DX Urrrrrrrrgh... *wanders off to be ill*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

O_o AUUUUUUGH! You do know what "going down [on]" is a euphemism for, right?! O_O Eek. Eeeeeeeeeep.

Yes. Yes I do. XD

D: You are absolutely freaking disgusting, and the sporking god. D8 I can't even laugh at that mental image... *is physically ill*


I live to serve.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

You - You - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! YOU'RE EVIL! DDDDD: EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!

...And, incidentally, funny as hell. *worships* I'm grinning even as my ming shuts down...

[byakuganchick.livejournal.com]

Isn't the men can use one kind of magic and women can use another and the hero unites them from Robert Jordan's series? Granted, I spent most of that series smacking my head against the desk and willing myself to finish the friggin book, but I seem to remember that if men try to use one sort of magic, they go insane and Rand is the only one that can fuse the two together and make them safe or something.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes, there's something similar to that in the WoT, but neither magic is considered to be inheritantly evil.

I managed to get to book... eight? Nine? And then just kinda stopped because it was getting stupid.

[byakuganchick.livejournal.com]

Personally, I made it to about book 5. Then I stopped. And yelled at my friend that recommended them to me as one of the greatest works of literature ever written. And then I beat him with a copy of Tolkien.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

Dad, how does the lightbulb work?
It's magic.

Yep.
Everything's magic. Magic magic MAGIC!

*rolls eyes*

Also... Newcomb hates women, I think. I bet he makes his wife spend all day in the kitchen barefoot in a dress with an apron, and when she starts menstruating, he sends her off to a lonely shack near his house until she's done.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

and when she starts menstruating, he sends her off to a lonely shack near his house until she's done.

O_o No, judging from the Cave, that's probably when he starts having sex with her. D:

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

....

o_O

You know, you may be right.

Um....

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Her impending pregnancy did little to disturb her great beauty.
im·pend·ing
–adjective
1. about to happen; imminent: their impending marriage.
2. imminently threatening or menacing: an impending storm.
3. Archaic. overhanging.

She's several moons preggers, right? So the pregnancy can't be about to happen, because she's in the midst of it.

I don't think Earwig meant that it was a threatening pregnancy, otherwise he'd be doing to stop it.

And...I know it's not an Archaic pregnancy....

WOW YOU'RE AN IDIOT MISTER WRITER MAN!

Re: Um....

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

He has the oddest word choices.