Who am I?

[kippurbird]

I'm putting this under a cut because I'm not sure everyone wants to read about it. It's an actual personal post about who/what I think I am. I thought about friends locking this, but then I thought, I don't friends lock things. I'm horribly blunt and honest about who I am and my ideas, so why should this be any different?



A while ago, I posted that I think I like girls. And I think this still holds true, but I don't think that I'm gay.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a boy.

I've always identified with men more than women. I've never thought of myself as female. When watching cartoons I always preferred the male orientated cartoons than the female one, such as G.I. Joe, Transformers, and RoboTech. When I did happen to watch the female orientated cartoons, such as Rainbow Brite, again, I identified with the male character (in Rainbow Brite's case that was Red Butler).

I never wanted any girl toys. I had one Barbie, which was given to me for Chanukah one year. My brother chewed off her foot the first night I had her I couldn't care less. I never wanted any dolls, except for a Cabbage Patch kid, but they were gender neutral toys at the time. I got one, but it was a girl. I wanted a boy. I did play with My Little Pony's but they were more like action figures to me than pretty horses with which I brushed their hair. I also had She-Ra action figures (God only knows where they are now) which I used as action figures instead of dolls.

I've studiously avoided pink and other girly colors as well as wearing feminine clothing as to me, I'm not a girl, so why should I wear them? At least that's what I thought when they were presented to me as options. I used to throw the most horrendous fits when I had to wear a dress for services or Bar Mitzvahs. Boys clothes always felt righter to me. I would rather wear jeans and tee-shirts than anything else. And the male cuts. When getting my hair cut, I always want a boy's cut. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was twenty four because that was something girls did (and the only reason I did it was because my mother bribed me good and I was kinda off at the time.)

Many times have I wanted to say, "But I'm not a girl!"

In my daydreams and fantasies ever since I was little, I always was a boy. I never thought this strange, because I was a boy in my mind. When I played make-believe with other kids, I was always a boy. I've never ever imagined myself as a girl.

Whenever filling out forms I always had to make sure I checked female because my first inclination is to check male. On internet surveys, sometimes I do.

The internet was a wonderful find. Finally I was able to interact with people and they wouldn't know my gender. I could pretend that I was a boy. Whenever someone thinks that I am a boy, I feel a small thrill. Like they were recognizing me for what I am.

I started trying to talk about this with my mom yesterday. I think she's having trouble with this idea. She wanted for me to wait until I've been romantically involved with someone before I decided if this was true or not. I've tried to explain to her that this has nothing to do with my relationship with other people so much as it has to do with how I feel about myself and who I am. I think she sort of got it at the end. But she wants to know, so I'm a boy, what am I going to do about it?

I honestly don't know. It feels right though. Being gay didn't feel right. It was close, but not correct. I think it's taken me a lot of time to come to this relization because of the autism. One of the things that I do is if something is the way it is, even if it's wrong, I won't change it. Like if there's something on the floor that shouldn't be there, unless I put it away right away, I'll leave it there and eventually that's the way it should be. So, I've been given a female body and I've never done anything about or thought about this really deeply because that's just the way I am physically. But recently, after reading in some comics about transgendered people, I started to think about it.

The question, I guess, I have to ask now, is what am I going to do about it? And my answer for it right now is, I don't know.

Comments

[samfeasor.livejournal.com]

You know, I know what you mean. You should check out genderqueer. I co-moderate (badly, as I'm a flighty person) there, and it's a friendly environment with lots of people who are going through the same (or similar) thought process as you are.

I did too, and I decided that my gender is too complicated to have a name like "man" or "woman" attached to it because, for me personally, I'm a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I also think a lot of people think gender is linked to sexuality, and it doesn't have to be. My mom is very understanding of my sexuality, but totally confused by my thoughts on gender. So.

Anyway, if you want to chat about it sometime, let me know. I'm around and chattable.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I've always been certain in my thoughts of being a guy. Very little confusion on that end. So, I suppose I'm lucky in that case.

It's funny, my mom's sort of the same way. When I thought I was gay, she was all right with it. This? She's confused.

Maybe I will, after the holy days.

[lauramcvey.livejournal.com]

From what I know of gender-changing operations, it's much easier to go from guy to girl then vice versa- which makes sense, since you're cutting stuff off instead of pasting stuff on, but I think it's possible. As for advisible, I can't really help you. I've never seen the appeal of switching bodies, but I've never had the feeling that I was born in the wrong body, so *shrug* It's really up to you. Sorry if that was completely unhelpful.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Hee. It's okay. It was nice to hear your thoughts on the subject and know that you don't think that I'm a total evil freak of nature.

[oceans-heart.livejournal.com]

Well a good start would be to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you do decide to pursue the surgery it's something you would be required to do anyway so why not get a head start on it?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week anyway and was going to bring it up to her. ^_^

[thelittlebudgie.livejournal.com]

Hm... That's pretty interesting. I think of myself as gender neutral, but while there are days I've wished I was male, I can't recall ever being glad I was female.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And would that it were as easy as it is in El Goonish Shive.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I thought about gender neutrality for a while, but it didn't fit. But being a boy does.

And thanks!

I'm guessing El Goonish Shive is an anime or mangna of some sort?

[evil_plotbunny]

I'm going to go all librarian on you and recommend a great new novel, Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger, about a girl in high school who's struggling with the same question and who decides to change her name and live as a boy.

I don't know if it will help or not, but I've been recommending it all over the place as a good read.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I will probably check it out.

Though for the name, on a completely random note, I wouldn't have to change it so much as there's a masculine version of it. And I don't think I could deal with a totally different name.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I can't say I have any good advice, but I can say that you are amazing the way you are and if you identify as masculine, I still have the same respect for you as before.

http://www.oboc.org/Materials07.htm

Could it be your Autism has a factor and your testosterone levels are higher than average?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Could it be your Autism has a factor and your testosterone levels are higher than average?

I actually had a testosterone level test years ago for some reason and they were normal, so I don't think that's it. =D

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

May I share this post with a transgendered friend of mine?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Sure. If you want. Why?

[-youngblood-.livejournal.com]

I give you a quote from the fabulously funny and incredibly talented, cross-dressing Eddie Izzard: "My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it." He has also described himself as "a lesbian trapped in a man's body." He's always thought of himself has half-girly and half-boyish. He admires certain female traits and emulates them while retaining certain male traits. His final philosophy, which I think is similar to your situation, was: "I'd be happy to be taken as a woman -- and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear."

I love Izzard's idea of not seeking definition. You are what you are, and you should wear/do/behave/love what/how/who you want. :)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

This is very true. And what I want is what I'm trying to figure out.

[canadianevil.livejournal.com]

Wow. So many people I know are trans, it's getting a little strange!

That said, I will support you in whatever you choose to do. And I will be a listeny type person, and try to ask intelligent questions. <3

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

We're out to get you. >:D

Thanks!

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

That's cool. I don't really have much to say about it, myself being quite secure in my gender if not my sexuality, but I thought I'd chime in with my support. And to say that you're right about the internet – from where I'm sitting, it really doesn't make any difference.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

The Internet is a lovely thing. It gives us a lot of freedom with the anonymity and the same time find like minded people to which you can hold a discussion with.

[indescane.livejournal.com]

Whether you define yourself as a boy or a girl is really something that's up to you personally, and you'll still be the same person. I'll send you all the e-support I can give. :D Here's to you getting the answers.

grossly inappropriate icon

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And I hope that I figure it out too.

[zoe-i-am.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* You are who you are, Kips. Male/female, it's all just tags in the end. I'm female, hetrosexual, and I've worn crew cuts, jeans and combat boots for a large part of my life. I can count the times I've worn make-up on one hand. As a teen, people were always waiting for me to come out of the closet. I was never in one. I've always been attracted to men, and I generally don't get along with women that much. I just am who I am, and playing hockey was more fun than Barbie. (I only ever had Midge anyway, but that's another therapy session)

Be who you are, smart, funny, outgoing, and be proud of yourself.

[faded-enmity.livejournal.com]

Actually, male and female are solid and definable facts (but potentially changeable facts). >_> Gender--masculine and feminine--are the tags related to behavior. Sex comes from your squishy bits. =P

Sorry, it's just that I've taken a lot of sociology courses (I thought to dual major but that didn't pan out), so that kind of thing bugs me a little and I just can't let it slip by without commenting. <_<

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

Not being the expert on subjects such as this, I can only say that do what feels right. I'm gone through my life as a Tomboy myself, with many if not most of the same problems that you mentioned. In some ways, I tend to think of myself as a boy. But I don't think I'm gay, so I dunno.

I think there are some girls who are flamboyantly girlish, some who are neutral, and some who lean more towards boyish stuff. Best way I work out these sort of problems by starting from the ground up (do you like girls or guys? If I can't answer that, which one do you like more?). Then I try to go with what feels natural. So far, it's worked for me :)

[faded-enmity.livejournal.com]

The cool thing about gender identification is that it doesn't say as much about sexual orientation or preference as you'd think.

Unfortunately, I don't think many people realize that, which causes them identity crises and everything. =/

[millenium-king.livejournal.com]

This is a blunt post, so perhaps you will permit me to ask you a blunt question?

- Do you want a cock? -

I only ask in hopes that it might help you clear up some things. Consider whether you merely enjoy traditionally masculine activities or whether you actually want to have a different body? For that matter, how do you feel about your breasts? Do you wish they were gone? And the ability to give birth? Your uterus? How do you feel about that? Just some things to think about.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Do you want a cock? -

Yes.

[prototypical]

Resident transgeek approves of your post. That being me, of course. I'm gonna recommend the amazing communities transgender and ftm as well as the mostly dead aspie_trans. I've had issues acceptingit as well because I don't tend to think of myself in terms of my body very often, but when I do it's wanting a male body and desperately wishing for no boobs. If I were at home, I could have a long chat with you over AIM about this, but it'l have to wait until I'm home and you're done with all the Holy Days stuff.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Well, we'll have the long chat when you get back then. =D

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Um... I don't know if I can put it into words, really. I put most of what I felt up in the post. It's a sort of way I've mentally thought about myself. About how I'd always think, but that's what girls do when told that I had to wear a dress... or something like that.

Yes, I feel uncomfortable in my female body and I would rather have a male body.

Other than that.. I dunno.

[sonic-sues.livejournal.com]

I want a genderless body. I don't feel like I'm a woman or a man.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I sometimes feel the same way. More often than not, the male bits are more annoying than anything else.

[yetanotherbob.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm late to the party, and I only found this by virtue of tags. The only reason I assumed you female was the girly girly icons (I kid! I kid!) Hopin you find this from email notifications. Two questions:

1) What pronouns do you want us to refer to you with?

2) This question I vowed to ask of all ftms I know (Yer #2). You know the old saying, "Dude, if I had boobs, I'd never leave the house!"-- IS IT TRUE? Enquiring minds want to know!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

1) I never thought about that one, actually. *laughs* I dunno... I mean, I'd like to be referred to as a male, and I think about myself as a male, but currently my body isn't and... so the logic circuits in my brain kinda stall. (Yay concrete thinking!)

2) Well, I'm not happy leaving the house with boobs.

[andy-longwood.livejournal.com]

Here by the virtue of tags! Power to you, whatever you may be. I send you virtual high-fives of Self Awareness.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It's frightening how many "here by tags" I've gotten lately. XD

But thank you! And I virtually high five you back. ^_^

[izzet_engineer]

Here by following tags/links (eragon sporkings), and just felt like dropping in to offer support etcetera. I think I know how you feel - I've never been particularly comfortable with being a girl, and actually convinced myself I was a boy for a few weeks when I was nine (it's complicated....) I'm practically flat-chested, and even that feels wrong: the fact that I have boobs at all feels wrong. In my ideal world, I'd be an androgynous,slightly male-looking creature.
Sorry for spamming up your journal with my pointless thoughts, but I was overcome by the thought that there might be other people out there who felt the same as I did. ;)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Hallo. ^_^

I'm jealous of your flat chestedness. My life would be so much easier if I was. I could dress as a boy more easily.

I never actually convinced myself that I was a boy... I just always thought I was one, but not. Which was confusing.

Anyway, welcome to the madness of my life. XD