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kippurbirdI'm putting this under a cut because I'm not sure everyone wants to read about it. It's an actual personal post about who/what I think I am. I thought about friends locking this, but then I thought, I don't friends lock things. I'm horribly blunt and honest about who I am and my ideas, so why should this be any different?
A while ago, I posted that I think I like girls. And I think this still holds true, but I don't think that I'm gay.
Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a boy.
I've always identified with men more than women. I've never thought of myself as female. When watching cartoons I always preferred the male orientated cartoons than the female one, such as G.I. Joe, Transformers, and RoboTech. When I did happen to watch the female orientated cartoons, such as Rainbow Brite, again, I identified with the male character (in Rainbow Brite's case that was Red Butler).
I never wanted any girl toys. I had one Barbie, which was given to me for Chanukah one year. My brother chewed off her foot the first night I had her I couldn't care less. I never wanted any dolls, except for a Cabbage Patch kid, but they were gender neutral toys at the time. I got one, but it was a girl. I wanted a boy. I did play with My Little Pony's but they were more like action figures to me than pretty horses with which I brushed their hair. I also had She-Ra action figures (God only knows where they are now) which I used as action figures instead of dolls.
I've studiously avoided pink and other girly colors as well as wearing feminine clothing as to me, I'm not a girl, so why should I wear them? At least that's what I thought when they were presented to me as options. I used to throw the most horrendous fits when I had to wear a dress for services or Bar Mitzvahs. Boys clothes always felt righter to me. I would rather wear jeans and tee-shirts than anything else. And the male cuts. When getting my hair cut, I always want a boy's cut. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was twenty four because that was something girls did (and the only reason I did it was because my mother bribed me good and I was kinda off at the time.)
Many times have I wanted to say, "But I'm not a girl!"
In my daydreams and fantasies ever since I was little, I always was a boy. I never thought this strange, because I was a boy in my mind. When I played make-believe with other kids, I was always a boy. I've never ever imagined myself as a girl.
Whenever filling out forms I always had to make sure I checked female because my first inclination is to check male. On internet surveys, sometimes I do.
The internet was a wonderful find. Finally I was able to interact with people and they wouldn't know my gender. I could pretend that I was a boy. Whenever someone thinks that I am a boy, I feel a small thrill. Like they were recognizing me for what I am.
I started trying to talk about this with my mom yesterday. I think she's having trouble with this idea. She wanted for me to wait until I've been romantically involved with someone before I decided if this was true or not. I've tried to explain to her that this has nothing to do with my relationship with other people so much as it has to do with how I feel about myself and who I am. I think she sort of got it at the end. But she wants to know, so I'm a boy, what am I going to do about it?
I honestly don't know. It feels right though. Being gay didn't feel right. It was close, but not correct. I think it's taken me a lot of time to come to this relization because of the autism. One of the things that I do is if something is the way it is, even if it's wrong, I won't change it. Like if there's something on the floor that shouldn't be there, unless I put it away right away, I'll leave it there and eventually that's the way it should be. So, I've been given a female body and I've never done anything about or thought about this really deeply because that's just the way I am physically. But recently, after reading in some comics about transgendered people, I started to think about it.
The question, I guess, I have to ask now, is what am I going to do about it? And my answer for it right now is, I don't know.
A while ago, I posted that I think I like girls. And I think this still holds true, but I don't think that I'm gay.
Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a boy.
I've always identified with men more than women. I've never thought of myself as female. When watching cartoons I always preferred the male orientated cartoons than the female one, such as G.I. Joe, Transformers, and RoboTech. When I did happen to watch the female orientated cartoons, such as Rainbow Brite, again, I identified with the male character (in Rainbow Brite's case that was Red Butler).
I never wanted any girl toys. I had one Barbie, which was given to me for Chanukah one year. My brother chewed off her foot the first night I had her I couldn't care less. I never wanted any dolls, except for a Cabbage Patch kid, but they were gender neutral toys at the time. I got one, but it was a girl. I wanted a boy. I did play with My Little Pony's but they were more like action figures to me than pretty horses with which I brushed their hair. I also had She-Ra action figures (God only knows where they are now) which I used as action figures instead of dolls.
I've studiously avoided pink and other girly colors as well as wearing feminine clothing as to me, I'm not a girl, so why should I wear them? At least that's what I thought when they were presented to me as options. I used to throw the most horrendous fits when I had to wear a dress for services or Bar Mitzvahs. Boys clothes always felt righter to me. I would rather wear jeans and tee-shirts than anything else. And the male cuts. When getting my hair cut, I always want a boy's cut. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was twenty four because that was something girls did (and the only reason I did it was because my mother bribed me good and I was kinda off at the time.)
Many times have I wanted to say, "But I'm not a girl!"
In my daydreams and fantasies ever since I was little, I always was a boy. I never thought this strange, because I was a boy in my mind. When I played make-believe with other kids, I was always a boy. I've never ever imagined myself as a girl.
Whenever filling out forms I always had to make sure I checked female because my first inclination is to check male. On internet surveys, sometimes I do.
The internet was a wonderful find. Finally I was able to interact with people and they wouldn't know my gender. I could pretend that I was a boy. Whenever someone thinks that I am a boy, I feel a small thrill. Like they were recognizing me for what I am.
I started trying to talk about this with my mom yesterday. I think she's having trouble with this idea. She wanted for me to wait until I've been romantically involved with someone before I decided if this was true or not. I've tried to explain to her that this has nothing to do with my relationship with other people so much as it has to do with how I feel about myself and who I am. I think she sort of got it at the end. But she wants to know, so I'm a boy, what am I going to do about it?
I honestly don't know. It feels right though. Being gay didn't feel right. It was close, but not correct. I think it's taken me a lot of time to come to this relization because of the autism. One of the things that I do is if something is the way it is, even if it's wrong, I won't change it. Like if there's something on the floor that shouldn't be there, unless I put it away right away, I'll leave it there and eventually that's the way it should be. So, I've been given a female body and I've never done anything about or thought about this really deeply because that's just the way I am physically. But recently, after reading in some comics about transgendered people, I started to think about it.
The question, I guess, I have to ask now, is what am I going to do about it? And my answer for it right now is, I don't know.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 07:11 pm (UTC)I did too, and I decided that my gender is too complicated to have a name like "man" or "woman" attached to it because, for me personally, I'm a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I also think a lot of people think gender is linked to sexuality, and it doesn't have to be. My mom is very understanding of my sexuality, but totally confused by my thoughts on gender. So.
Anyway, if you want to chat about it sometime, let me know. I'm around and chattable.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 07:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 07:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 07:44 pm (UTC)Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And would that it were as easy as it is in El Goonish Shive.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:04 pm (UTC)I don't know if it will help or not, but I've been recommending it all over the place as a good read.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:07 pm (UTC)It's funny, my mom's sort of the same way. When I thought I was gay, she was all right with it. This? She's confused.
Maybe I will, after the holy days.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:10 pm (UTC)And thanks!
I'm guessing El Goonish Shive is an anime or mangna of some sort?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:11 pm (UTC)Though for the name, on a completely random note, I wouldn't have to change it so much as there's a masculine version of it. And I don't think I could deal with a totally different name.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:20 pm (UTC)Heh. Online comic. It's kinda cute, and rather silly in the beginning. One of the characters likes to use his transformation ray to make himself into a girl, and there's a party at one point where everyone switches around.
www.elgoonishshive.com
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:25 pm (UTC)http://www.oboc.org/Materials07.htm
Could it be your Autism has a factor and your testosterone levels are higher than average?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:34 pm (UTC)I actually had a testosterone level test years ago for some reason and they were normal, so I don't think that's it. =D
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Date: 2007-09-12 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 08:53 pm (UTC)hi :-)
Date: 2007-09-12 09:02 pm (UTC)Emily
PS: I have lots of transguy friends too, so they've given me a pretty good understanding of the other way round as well.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 09:42 pm (UTC)I love Izzard's idea of not seeking definition. You are what you are, and you should wear/do/behave/love what/how/who you want. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 09:43 pm (UTC)I would recommend thinking it over- not that I don't trust how you feel about yourself, but this is a really big decision to make without careful consideration.
Hmm, now I feel like pondering my own sexuality. *wanders off*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 09:44 pm (UTC)That said, I will support you in whatever you choose to do. And I will be a listeny type person, and try to ask intelligent questions. <3
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 10:17 pm (UTC)