First and second drafting

[kippurbird]

Just an interesting comparison, at least, I think it is. Two drafts of the same scene from my novel. I was told in my writing group that I needed more description, so I added it. Hopefully it's successful. The first draft is only a paragraph long. The second is about three (should be four but I forgot to add a part). I think I added enough description to make it more real without ending up overly descriptive, and got into Alec's head a bit more.

This does, of course, show the importance of feedback and redrafting. Which while a pain sometimes, can make the story better.




The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the ground. He always tried to get the seat by the fountain that spitted out a dribble of water when they came into the practice grounds. Part of him felt soothed being surrounded by fire, soaking up the heat and letting it run through him like a waterfall, but there was always that niggling part that twitched and squirmed every time he stepped inside. The few times he had gone into the water grounds, a large pool with small rocky islands, with Laruana, he had felt the same way; always sort of out of sorts. The only time he really felt comfortable was at that small park that he and Kratz went to all the time, still not completely comfortable, but better than anywhere else.






The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the baked ground, shimmering waves of heat that distorted the tall white walls that surrounded them, protecting them from wayward magic. The only cool spots were on white stones scattered around the large ground, and a white fountain that sputtered water that seemed to turn into steam almost instantly. He always tried to get a seat near the fountain, being able to sense the water calmed him in this place where fire almost overwhelmed his senses, overwhelmed his mind. It was so easy to reach for it here, so strong and loud in his thoughts, drowning out all the other elements. Earth crumbled here, water steamed, and air burned. Nothing grew. All were at the mercy of the fire.

Part of him thrived here, soaking up the heat, the song of fire, twirling it around in his mind, sending it off dancing. He would play with sparks of flame as he watched the other students go through the exercises, letting the fire spin on his fingers. He didn’t fear getting burned; he knew how to make the fire do what he wanted. Though there was always a nagging feeling within him that said he didn’t belong here.

He got the same feeling when he went to the water area with Laruna. Unlike the fire area it was a large pool of water with lilies and fish in it. Small islands of grass and rocks dotted the pool and large flat stones allowed a person to walk from island to island. The area radiated calm and coolness, the water reflecting on the white walls creating a shimmering design. Laruna always looked at peace there. And he felt it too, just like in the fire area. And just like in the fire area there was that niggling feeling that this wasn’t where he belonged.


Mrr... forgot to add the bit about the park. Will have to fix.

Comments

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes! I would say the second draft is a definite improvement. It usually does help to elaborate on difficult to express things. And the second draft does explain his emotions better than the first draft (which was all cramped up in that one paragraph, clearly.) :3

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It is better, I think. It was harder to write it though. The first draft was quite easy.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Of course! Hee hee. But easy isn't usually better. ;D

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Nope! =D

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

I'd have to agree--the second one is definitely much better and paints a nice picture for the reader. Well, it did for me, at least.
I also like the description, too, especially "the song of fire" for some reason. It has a nice poetic ring to it, without sounding like purple prose. Re-writing is always fun like that.

I like reading your little writing bits. They're fun to read.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I was told I needed to do. I'm glad it was successful.

For my wizards, I've been using music as a description as to how they sense the elements.

Thanks. I think they're interesting and Like to share, of course, I don't know if anyone else finds them interesting. But it's nice to know you do.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

I thought it was interesting too. And I like the music comparison with elements. I hope you use it often in the story. :D

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I try to. I felt it was a different way of describing magic.

[millenium-king.livejournal.com]

*SNORE* Nothing happens. This is three paragraphs of infodumping and backstory. Boring.

Make it shorter, not longer. Blend description with action. Get out of his head. Fantasy characters are always so damned introspective.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You know. We always seem to have different opinions on how to do something.

How would you rewrite the section?

[millenium-king.livejournal.com]

Here is my take on your passage:

"As always happened upon entering the Fire Caves, Alec's collar became sticky with sweat, his face flush and his pulse elevated - as though he stood beneath a fierce sun in a heavy coat. Feverish and dizzy, Alec quickly sat on the baked sandstone next to the small, marble fountain in the grotto's center. However, this provided no succor, since what little water tricked out instantly vaporized into steam. Around him, distorted by shimmering heat waves, the other students showed not a bit of discomfort as they took their seats on the floor - this only made Alec feel that, despite his skill with the fiery element, he was not wholly welcome within its domain."

This is not as succinct as I would like, nor is it revised as much as I would like, but I think it gets the point across. There are several things I took into consideration while writing this:

1) Brevity. Most fantasy is too long. Read some of the old masters like Jonathan Swift to see how fantastic stories can MOVE without getting bogged down into longwinded description, angst and overblown introspection.

2) Authority. In your passage, everything just "seems" to happen. It either does happen, or it does not. Only rarely should you ever use the word "seem."

3) No purple prose. How does one "soak up the song of fire?" I have no idea. How does it feel? I have no idea. Metaphors like this are useless. One of my biggest problems with fantastic literature is the description of magic which always sounds like "he felt his power grow stronger as the water magic dreamed through his veins." That's not something one can relate to, so I usually just skip over parts like that. When I ready about Alec's "song of fire" in your passage, I nodded off. Relate unrelatable things (like magic) to relatable things (like a fever) otherwise they're just BS.

4) Have you ever heard of the book _Luck from the Shadows_ by Lynn Flewelling? It's a fantasy novel about an uncouth young man named Alec who becomes engaged in a homosexual relationship with his older, more refined mentor. During the process, he's taught to dress properly, becomes civilized etc. If I am not mistaken, isn't that what your book is about?