First and second drafting
May. 27th, 2007 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdJust an interesting comparison, at least, I think it is. Two drafts of the same scene from my novel. I was told in my writing group that I needed more description, so I added it. Hopefully it's successful. The first draft is only a paragraph long. The second is about three (should be four but I forgot to add a part). I think I added enough description to make it more real without ending up overly descriptive, and got into Alec's head a bit more.
This does, of course, show the importance of feedback and redrafting. Which while a pain sometimes, can make the story better.
The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the ground. He always tried to get the seat by the fountain that spitted out a dribble of water when they came into the practice grounds. Part of him felt soothed being surrounded by fire, soaking up the heat and letting it run through him like a waterfall, but there was always that niggling part that twitched and squirmed every time he stepped inside. The few times he had gone into the water grounds, a large pool with small rocky islands, with Laruana, he had felt the same way; always sort of out of sorts. The only time he really felt comfortable was at that small park that he and Kratz went to all the time, still not completely comfortable, but better than anywhere else.
The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the baked ground, shimmering waves of heat that distorted the tall white walls that surrounded them, protecting them from wayward magic. The only cool spots were on white stones scattered around the large ground, and a white fountain that sputtered water that seemed to turn into steam almost instantly. He always tried to get a seat near the fountain, being able to sense the water calmed him in this place where fire almost overwhelmed his senses, overwhelmed his mind. It was so easy to reach for it here, so strong and loud in his thoughts, drowning out all the other elements. Earth crumbled here, water steamed, and air burned. Nothing grew. All were at the mercy of the fire.
Part of him thrived here, soaking up the heat, the song of fire, twirling it around in his mind, sending it off dancing. He would play with sparks of flame as he watched the other students go through the exercises, letting the fire spin on his fingers. He didn’t fear getting burned; he knew how to make the fire do what he wanted. Though there was always a nagging feeling within him that said he didn’t belong here.
He got the same feeling when he went to the water area with Laruna. Unlike the fire area it was a large pool of water with lilies and fish in it. Small islands of grass and rocks dotted the pool and large flat stones allowed a person to walk from island to island. The area radiated calm and coolness, the water reflecting on the white walls creating a shimmering design. Laruna always looked at peace there. And he felt it too, just like in the fire area. And just like in the fire area there was that niggling feeling that this wasn’t where he belonged.
Mrr... forgot to add the bit about the park. Will have to fix.
This does, of course, show the importance of feedback and redrafting. Which while a pain sometimes, can make the story better.
The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the ground. He always tried to get the seat by the fountain that spitted out a dribble of water when they came into the practice grounds. Part of him felt soothed being surrounded by fire, soaking up the heat and letting it run through him like a waterfall, but there was always that niggling part that twitched and squirmed every time he stepped inside. The few times he had gone into the water grounds, a large pool with small rocky islands, with Laruana, he had felt the same way; always sort of out of sorts. The only time he really felt comfortable was at that small park that he and Kratz went to all the time, still not completely comfortable, but better than anywhere else.
The air in the fire area always seemed to parch the air in Alec’s lungs, sucking out any sort of moisture inside of him. He constantly licked his lips trying to get rid of the dry cracked feeling. None of the other children in his class seemed to have this problem. They thrived in the dry and cracked space where fire poked through the baked ground, shimmering waves of heat that distorted the tall white walls that surrounded them, protecting them from wayward magic. The only cool spots were on white stones scattered around the large ground, and a white fountain that sputtered water that seemed to turn into steam almost instantly. He always tried to get a seat near the fountain, being able to sense the water calmed him in this place where fire almost overwhelmed his senses, overwhelmed his mind. It was so easy to reach for it here, so strong and loud in his thoughts, drowning out all the other elements. Earth crumbled here, water steamed, and air burned. Nothing grew. All were at the mercy of the fire.
Part of him thrived here, soaking up the heat, the song of fire, twirling it around in his mind, sending it off dancing. He would play with sparks of flame as he watched the other students go through the exercises, letting the fire spin on his fingers. He didn’t fear getting burned; he knew how to make the fire do what he wanted. Though there was always a nagging feeling within him that said he didn’t belong here.
He got the same feeling when he went to the water area with Laruna. Unlike the fire area it was a large pool of water with lilies and fish in it. Small islands of grass and rocks dotted the pool and large flat stones allowed a person to walk from island to island. The area radiated calm and coolness, the water reflecting on the white walls creating a shimmering design. Laruna always looked at peace there. And he felt it too, just like in the fire area. And just like in the fire area there was that niggling feeling that this wasn’t where he belonged.
Mrr... forgot to add the bit about the park. Will have to fix.
