Eldest preview

[kippurbird]

*flails around for a bit*

*waves hand*

adjf;kajhjrg;kkdkoiur!!!

*points to selection from Eldest*


Going to the stream by the house, they quickly disrobed. Eragon surreptitiously watched the elf, curious as to what he looked like without his clothes. Oromis was very thin, yet his muscles were perfectly defined, etched under his skin with the hard lines of a woodcut. No hair grew upon his chest or legs, not even around his groin. His body seemed almost freakish to Eragon, compared to the men he was used to seeing in Carvahall-although it had a certain refined elegance to it, like that of a wildcat.

When they were clean, Oromis took Eragon deep into Du Weldenvarden to a hollow where the dark trees leaned inward, obscuring the sky behind branches and veils of snarled lichen. Their feet sank into the moss above their ankles. All was silent about them as they made love.

He felt suddenly vulnerable; he was completely exposed to the elf. Anyone or anything that might want to leap into his mind and control him could now do so.

Pointing to a white stump with a flat, polished top three yards across that rested in the center of the hollow, Oromis said, "Sit here, on my lap." Eragon did as he was told. "Cross your legs and close your eyes."

"Let us wash the sweat from our limbs," said Oromis when they finished.


*flails more*

Comments

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

W-...Wh-....wh-...Wh-....Wait....wh-...whut?

....And those are my thoughts on Yaoi...?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*flails around*

I... I ... I don't know what to say to that... I just... it.. and there... they made LOVE and... and...

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Uh buh duh ber hurr...guh....

...guh....

...*DIE.*

Okay, I'm curious now.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*peers at it fearfully*

I... am too... and I'm frightened. Hold me?

[canadianevil.livejournal.com]

I absolutely, categorically refuse to believe this is real.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Denial is good.

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

*Raised eyebrow*

Odd.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yeeeeesss.... that's one word for it.

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

... I... what? Bzuh? I.

What. lakslafjsafjlsafjlsfjlasjflkajlskiwliw

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*flails* And... And.. it's there! And...;aliskejr!

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Wait..what about Elf Sue?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Apparently she wasn't meaty enough for him.

[-youngblood-.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha. While amusing, that passage is not entirely correct. The words "made love" aren't actually in the text, but everything else is legitimate.

Still, only slightly less disturbing.

[-youngblood-.livejournal.com]

Oh, and the "sit on my lap" part isn't in it either. Plus, this is a rearrangement of several different passages. The bit where Oromis tells Eragon to close his eyes is a training session, but they do indeed bathe together. Crazily enough.

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Actually, I just found out that that line is a parody from the book, although even so the scene is rather...suggestive. Good thing the .psd I have of "Eldest" allows me to use the search option. Anyhow. Here's the original, if you're curious:

Oromis performed the Rimgar with him, displaying a level of strength and flexibility that astounded Eragon, especially for one so old. The elf could touch his forehead to his toes. Throughout the exercise, Oromis remained impeccably composed, as if he were doing no more than strolling down a garden path. His instruction was calmer and more patient than Brom’s, yet completely unyielding. No deviation was allowed from the correct path.

“Let us wash the sweat from our limbs,” said Oromis when they finished. (Because, you know, there us absolutely nothing creepy about that. Not to mention it would appear that people in Eragon Land only perspirate from the limbs and nowhere else on their bodies.)

Going to the stream by the house, they quickly disrobed. ("Ah wish ah new how ta quit yoo.") Eragon surreptitiously watched the elf, curious as to what he looked like without his clothes. Oromis was very thin, yet his muscles were perfectly defined, etched under his skin with the hard lines of a woodcut. No hair grew upon his chest or legs, not even around his groin. ('Kay. That's not unnatural.) His body seemed almost freakish to Eragon, compared to the men he was used to seeing in Carvahall—although it had a certain refined elegance to it, like that of a wildcat.

When they were clean, Oromis took Eragon deep into Du Weldenvarden to a hollow where the dark trees leaned inward, obscuring the sky behind branches and veils of snarled lichen. Their feet sank into the moss above their ankles. All was silent about them. (As they made lo-- Hey whaaat?)

Pointing to a white stump with a flat, polished top three yards across that rested in the center of the hollow, Oromis said, “Sit here.” Eragon did as he was told. “Cross your legs and close your eyes.” (So I take it they're still nekked?) The world went dark around him. From his right, he heard Oromis whisper, “Open your mind, Eragon. Open your mind and listen to the world around you, to the thoughts of every being in this glade, from the ants in the trees to the worms in the ground. Listen until you can hear them all and you understand their purpose and nature. Listen, and when you hear no more, come tell me what you have learned.”

Then the forest was quiet. (Which is a completely pointless thing to say, considering it's already mentioned that "all was silent around them". Guess this was something Very Important, which we must remember.)

O, and the chapter was called "The Secret Lives of Ants", which makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the book, "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd.

But the idea of Paolini not being original is absolutely ludicrous!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*reads the original passage. Rereads the parody. Reads the Original Passage*

The parody makes a lot more sense. I think I like it better.

[wingedrivers.livejournal.com]

O____O

The original and the parody are alike.

Perhaps Murtagh is NOT Eragon's one tru wuv?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Or perhaps Eragon is just a slut.

[the7bells.livejournal.com]

Buh...buh....buh....buh?!?1?!?!

*cries* Not even that explicit, but I agree with my icon...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It hurts. Doesn't it?

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

Why on earth would you equate hairlessness with a wildcat? I mean, some kind of lizard or reptile, sure, or maybe a particularly trim and lissome rhinocerous, maybe a nice, sleek penguin....

And y'know, even without the sex, I still find it mildly unsettling how much attention Eragon pays to this naked elf. One does not generally examine someone's body down to the lack of hair on their crotch out of idle curiosity. Looks like Elf Sue might have to work a little if she wants Eragon to stay her stalker exclusively.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

The metaphor kinda fails, doesn't it?

And my new theory is that Eragon is a slut.

[lccorp2.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes...kippur...

You've stumbled upon what we Anti-Shurtugals call the "Hairless Elf Groin Scene."

You think that's bad? Try the Blood Oath Ceremony on for starters.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I can't wait.

I read about Elva on Wiki and said to myself... yes... I'm going to have to do this book. And then promptly beat my head against the wall.

One More

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Wow. If you think that part of the book was bad....

Because I am so kind, I decided to share another preview of "Eldest" with you: The ever so infamous "Eragon is turned into an elf!" scene. (Note: My comments are obviously in bold.)

Going to the wash closet, he retrieved the mirror he used for shaving and brought it into the light of a nearby lantern. Must go check out his manly curves.

Eragon froze with surprise.

It was as if the numerous physical changes that, over time, alter the appearance of a human Rider—and which Eragon had already begun to experience since bonding with Saphira—had been completed while he was unconscious. Dear god, no.... His face was now as smooth and angled as an elf’s, with ears tapered like theirs and eyes slanted like theirs, No, no, no, NO! and his skin was as pale as alabaster and seemed to emit a faint glow, as if with the sheen of magic. I look like a princeling. "Elf Sue will really dig me now!" Eragon had never before applied the term to a man, least of all himself, So he thinks he's a man, eh? but the only word that described him now was beautiful. Guess he's not so manly after all. Yet he was not entirely an elf. So he's not a man. He's not a human. Neither is he an elf. Then WHAT? His jaw was stronger, his brow thicker, his face broader. He was fairer than any human and more rugged than any elf. I'm curious. Someone has to draw this for me, because on Eragon I'm just...not seeing it.

With trembling fingers, Eragon reached around the nape of his neck in search of his scar. God forbid a Stu ever has a scar!

He felt nothing. NOOOOO!

Eragon tore off his tunic NOOOO! and twisted in front of the mirror to examine his back. It was as smooth as it had been before the battle of Farthen Dûr. Tears sprang to Eragon’s eyes Tears! By god, it's PLURAL! So emo they leap out from his emotastic eyes shedding multiple emotastic single-tears! as he slid his hand over the place where Durza had maimed him. He knew that his back would never trouble him again.

Not only was the savage blight he had elected to keep gone, but every other scar and blemish had vanished from his body, leaving him as unmarked as a newborn babe. STRIKE. YOU'RE DONE. YOU FAIL AS AN AUTHOR AND A WRITER. Eragon traced a line upon his wrist where he had cut himself This just in: Eragon had once tried cutting his wrist. I play the world's smallest violin for his sorrow. while sharpening Garrow’s scythe. No evidence of the wound remained. The blotchy scars on the insides of his thighs, remnants from his first flight with Saphira, had also disappeared. Okay! We get it already! He has no marks! He's as unmarked as a newborn babe because, you know, newborn babes are usually unmarked! For a moment, he missed them as a record of his life, but his regret was short-lived as he realized that the damage from every injury he had ever suffered, no matter how small, had been repaired. ...right.

I have become what I was meant to be, What? A raving Gary Stu? I thought you were that already. he thought, and took a deep breath of the intoxicating air. And died. The End.

Yeah, I wish.

So there you have it: Eragon becomes a full-fledged Stu. Don't you just quiver with anticipation at what mysteries and adventure Book Two will hold? Ooo!
Christ. I can't get through a sentence written by Paolini without finding something wrong with it.

Re: One More

[madamsnape.livejournal.com]

*Grin*

I just can't wait till book 3... for the madness to continue and for my sanity to finally flee...

[shikomekidomi.livejournal.com]

You know, yaoi isn't my thing, but does anyone else think that having it actually happen instead of the author constantly making Freudian slips would at least make the book more original?