EVERYBODY POLKA
Apr. 6th, 2011 10:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdPart Nine
Max goes and lands. She hides behind a warehouse and ties her windbreaker around her neck....
HOW THE HELL IS SHE WEARING A WINDBREAKER WITH WINGS?!
Why does she even have one in the first place? And how does tying it around her neck hide her thirteen feet wingspan? She pulls them into a tight accordion …
Look! Accordion wings!
Everybody! Polka!
Bad imagery. Bad! No cookie!
I’m sorry, but that is NOT what you want a reader to picture.
And wings do not work like that. Unless you want to break your bones.
She considers herself perfectly normal looking now with her Clark Kent disguise of A WINDBREAKER OVER HER WINGS! :O
Thus disguised she goes around the corner to discover that there are three guys surrounding a girl about eleven. One of them says that he told her “not to tell anybody about my little situation with Ortiz”.
You know, there’s nothing wrong with having a situation with someone. I mean, it’s okay to like another guy now a days.
Oh, wait it turns out apparently the speaker is beating up Ortiz so bad he looks like he was hit by a car. There. Now we know that these guys are evil and deserve whatever they get.
They’re also armed and Max gives us this:
One of them was holding a shotgun loosely in the crook of his arm. America, right to bear arms, yada, yada, yada. How old were these yahoos? Did their parents know they had guns?
Being in Arizona, probably yes, their parents knew and they were probably okay with it. Oh and goody, Max has watched Seinfeld. I hate Seinfeld.
She steps out from behind the building and SUDDENLY is a mind reader because she knows what these guys are thinking.
“Just another stupid girl,” they thought, relieved.
Yes, they all thought the same exact thing. What about “Oh it’s not the authorities/teacher/someone they know/my boyfriend” or who knows what. I mean unless you are actually a mind reader and we’ve only been told that it’s Angel who can read minds, then you’re not going to know what someone is thinking and it’s highly unlikely that the would be thinking the same exact thing. And why would they be thinking ‘just another stupid girl’.
I would be more wary of a stranger who just randomly shows up like Max does, especially if she’s all beaten up.
And then then turn their backs on her. Because you know, if you’re going to be bully someone you’re going to keep on doing it in front of witnesses.
The guys continue to be dumb and evil - you already know they’re evil because they’re carrying a gun and threatening to beat up a little girl when Max comes up to them and says one of the more original things you can say when starting a fight, “Three guys against one girl. That seems about even.”
One of them tells her to “shut up chick”
Lamest insult ever. Unless they were talking about Jack Chick. (Yes that is a TVtropes link) Then that would be pretty insulting. I mean, if someone called me Jack Chick I would have words with them. First I would go and get my boffer sword (long) which has a +3 proficiency bonus but I’m not very proficient with it so that’s a -2 and my D&D notebook as well as my wand from Alivains. From there I would realize that I need another hand and thus stow my wand. Having stowed my wand, I would chase after said person with my sword and proceed to beat them with it using some of the spells with it from the Swordmage class -since that’s highest level PC. I will proceed to not teleport around or make fire with my sword, but I’m pretty sure I could still beat them pretty easily.
And yes. I did just do that. Why? Because it was more entertaining than reading this book.
She tells them she’s going to kick their butts. They laugh at her. She’s confident because she’s stronger than an average man and trained in self-defense by Jeb. Genetic engineering at work. She beats up the three guys, of course, with her self defense skills she’s apparently never seriously used until yesterday, she says. She even manages to disarm the one with the shotgun who … rushes at her.
With a gun. And doesn’t shoot her. I only bring this up because one of the other ones with a gun does try to shoot her, after also rushing her.
God these people are stupid.
She beats them up breaking a nose and possibly some arms thinking that “Humans were like eggshells” as opposed to birds with their light wings and bones. Right
She runs off but doesn’t fly away because she doesn’t want them to see her wings. Because the three bullies are actually going to tell someone that they saw a girl fly and expect to be believed. And they’re so going to tell people too.
“This chick beat us up and then flew away!”
Yeah, like these guys would so do that. They would promise to never mention it again. If they believe so badly that chicks are worthless they’re never going to tell anyone that they got beat up by one in a three to one situation, much less that the girl flew away..
HOWEVER if she did fly away then she couldn’t get shot in the wing. Which she does. Because she needed to get shot. So that she could cause unnecessary drama. And then we are told that Max’s fatal flaw is fight for the underdog.
Yes. We are fucking told what Max’s fatal flaw is. She says that “It’s in my nature to fight for the underdog. Jeb always told me it was my fatal flaw”.
*Facepalm*
We should be allowed to figure out what a character’s fatal flaw is by ourselves. We shouldn’t have to be told point blank that’s what it is. And how do we know that’s what it is? It’s not even a flaw, flaws are supposed to be bad things. Helping people out isn’t a bad thing. Selfishness, putting herself before others, that would be a fatal flaw. But saying that helping people is her fatal flaw is something that a Mary Sue would say.
My flaw is that I’m too generous and like helping people. ← That’s what she just said.
Which is a Mary Sue flaw. So basically Max is a Mary Sue.
Of course, it could be that she means her fatal flaw is risking everything to try and help someone no matter what. But when would she have had the chance to exercise such things as she has been in hiding since she escaped from the School. I don’t think there’s much chance to rescue and help underdogs when you’re hiding away from people so that you’re not seen.
Did she go out and fight mountain lions to keep them away from the deer? I mean how do you know what your fatal flaw is if your flaw involves interacting with other people and you don’t ever interact with them?
Max goes and lands. She hides behind a warehouse and ties her windbreaker around her neck....
HOW THE HELL IS SHE WEARING A WINDBREAKER WITH WINGS?!
Why does she even have one in the first place? And how does tying it around her neck hide her thirteen feet wingspan? She pulls them into a tight accordion …
Look! Accordion wings!
Everybody! Polka!
Bad imagery. Bad! No cookie!
I’m sorry, but that is NOT what you want a reader to picture.
And wings do not work like that. Unless you want to break your bones.
She considers herself perfectly normal looking now with her Clark Kent disguise of A WINDBREAKER OVER HER WINGS! :O
Thus disguised she goes around the corner to discover that there are three guys surrounding a girl about eleven. One of them says that he told her “not to tell anybody about my little situation with Ortiz”.
You know, there’s nothing wrong with having a situation with someone. I mean, it’s okay to like another guy now a days.
Oh, wait it turns out apparently the speaker is beating up Ortiz so bad he looks like he was hit by a car. There. Now we know that these guys are evil and deserve whatever they get.
They’re also armed and Max gives us this:
One of them was holding a shotgun loosely in the crook of his arm. America, right to bear arms, yada, yada, yada. How old were these yahoos? Did their parents know they had guns?
Being in Arizona, probably yes, their parents knew and they were probably okay with it. Oh and goody, Max has watched Seinfeld. I hate Seinfeld.
She steps out from behind the building and SUDDENLY is a mind reader because she knows what these guys are thinking.
“Just another stupid girl,” they thought, relieved.
Yes, they all thought the same exact thing. What about “Oh it’s not the authorities/teacher/someone they know/my boyfriend” or who knows what. I mean unless you are actually a mind reader and we’ve only been told that it’s Angel who can read minds, then you’re not going to know what someone is thinking and it’s highly unlikely that the would be thinking the same exact thing. And why would they be thinking ‘just another stupid girl’.
I would be more wary of a stranger who just randomly shows up like Max does, especially if she’s all beaten up.
And then then turn their backs on her. Because you know, if you’re going to be bully someone you’re going to keep on doing it in front of witnesses.
The guys continue to be dumb and evil - you already know they’re evil because they’re carrying a gun and threatening to beat up a little girl when Max comes up to them and says one of the more original things you can say when starting a fight, “Three guys against one girl. That seems about even.”
One of them tells her to “shut up chick”
Lamest insult ever. Unless they were talking about Jack Chick. (Yes that is a TVtropes link) Then that would be pretty insulting. I mean, if someone called me Jack Chick I would have words with them. First I would go and get my boffer sword (long) which has a +3 proficiency bonus but I’m not very proficient with it so that’s a -2 and my D&D notebook as well as my wand from Alivains. From there I would realize that I need another hand and thus stow my wand. Having stowed my wand, I would chase after said person with my sword and proceed to beat them with it using some of the spells with it from the Swordmage class -since that’s highest level PC. I will proceed to not teleport around or make fire with my sword, but I’m pretty sure I could still beat them pretty easily.
And yes. I did just do that. Why? Because it was more entertaining than reading this book.
She tells them she’s going to kick their butts. They laugh at her. She’s confident because she’s stronger than an average man and trained in self-defense by Jeb. Genetic engineering at work. She beats up the three guys, of course, with her self defense skills she’s apparently never seriously used until yesterday, she says. She even manages to disarm the one with the shotgun who … rushes at her.
With a gun. And doesn’t shoot her. I only bring this up because one of the other ones with a gun does try to shoot her, after also rushing her.
God these people are stupid.
She beats them up breaking a nose and possibly some arms thinking that “Humans were like eggshells” as opposed to birds with their light wings and bones. Right
She runs off but doesn’t fly away because she doesn’t want them to see her wings. Because the three bullies are actually going to tell someone that they saw a girl fly and expect to be believed. And they’re so going to tell people too.
“This chick beat us up and then flew away!”
Yeah, like these guys would so do that. They would promise to never mention it again. If they believe so badly that chicks are worthless they’re never going to tell anyone that they got beat up by one in a three to one situation, much less that the girl flew away..
HOWEVER if she did fly away then she couldn’t get shot in the wing. Which she does. Because she needed to get shot. So that she could cause unnecessary drama. And then we are told that Max’s fatal flaw is fight for the underdog.
Yes. We are fucking told what Max’s fatal flaw is. She says that “It’s in my nature to fight for the underdog. Jeb always told me it was my fatal flaw”.
*Facepalm*
We should be allowed to figure out what a character’s fatal flaw is by ourselves. We shouldn’t have to be told point blank that’s what it is. And how do we know that’s what it is? It’s not even a flaw, flaws are supposed to be bad things. Helping people out isn’t a bad thing. Selfishness, putting herself before others, that would be a fatal flaw. But saying that helping people is her fatal flaw is something that a Mary Sue would say.
My flaw is that I’m too generous and like helping people. ← That’s what she just said.
Which is a Mary Sue flaw. So basically Max is a Mary Sue.
Of course, it could be that she means her fatal flaw is risking everything to try and help someone no matter what. But when would she have had the chance to exercise such things as she has been in hiding since she escaped from the School. I don’t think there’s much chance to rescue and help underdogs when you’re hiding away from people so that you’re not seen.
Did she go out and fight mountain lions to keep them away from the deer? I mean how do you know what your fatal flaw is if your flaw involves interacting with other people and you don’t ever interact with them?
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no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 08:25 am (UTC)To wit:
Ken’s Rule of Guns (n): This stipulates that people will invariably forgo the ‘space’ advantage of a firearm, i.e., that it can be used at a distance. In effect, it means that gun bearers will move close enough to their targets so as to lose their weapons in a fight. This rule has saved more heroes than the James Bond Exposition Rule. Example: In On Deadly Ground, one character, who spends the entire movie ranting that Seagal’s character is the greatest commando in the history of the planet, gets the drop on him with a shotgun. Instead of just shooting him, however, he moves close enough to invoke Ken’s Rule of Guns. Seagal, by the way, has probably profited from KROG more than any other actor in film history.
(source: http://jabootu.com/glossary.htm See also: Designated Hero).
I once... uh... read a story in which a character looked human but had wings. He hid them under baggy clothes, but everyone still thought he had a serious spine deformity. The wings were also completely useless, because the human frame is not designed to handle flying.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 04:23 pm (UTC)So, yeah, nothing about what these boys are doing is covered by the Second Amendment. I love my Second Amendment; why do people keep abusing it? :(
Also, I can't for the life of me figure out why a windbreaker tied around the neck would hide someone's wings. I'm imagining those stereotypical preppy kids with the sweaters tied around the shoulders for no good reason...yeah, those don't hide much of anything. At all.
On a side note, I do know someone who has 'generosity' as a flaw. Well, I guess it's less 'generosity' and more 'pure stupidity' because he'll spend so much money at the start of the month treating other people to dinners and drinks and just plain old giving it away that by the end he doesn't have enough to pay his bills. He was weird. :\
no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 06:41 pm (UTC)There is so much failure to think things through in this book it's really quite amazing. Yet another one-draft-wonder, I'm thinking.
no subject
Date: 2011-04-09 05:48 am (UTC)I haven't ever read Max Ride and now that I know this chapter exists, I never will ^^
no subject
Date: 2011-04-10 09:01 pm (UTC)I'd be much happier if they already had a second adult that they trusted. That would make more sense in the long run, after Jeb disappeared.
Can Sloan show up and give these kids an earful? We need Sloan! :I
pret rachat de credit
Date: 2011-04-23 10:06 am (UTC)