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kippurbirdFYI: This was written by a friend who wished for it to be posted, but also wished to remain in secret. I did not write it.
I Am Number Four was adapted from a book written specifically to make lots of
money, and it shows. A lot.
Derivative, clichéd and shallow, it doesn’t have a single interesting idea in its head.
That isn’t to say it’s horrible; it isn’t. It’s just mediocre. There a couple of likeable
characters and at least one amusing moment, and I’ll be sure to get into those in a
moment.
Here’s the backstory: Some years ago, the faraway planet of Lorien (not affiliated
with Lothlorien. Honest!) was destroyed by a race of evil aliens called Mogadorians
(not affiliated with the old British phrase “I’ll be mogadored!”. Probably). The
Mogadorians, by the way, are evil because they destroy things, and they destroy
things because they’re evil. They’re also evil because they’re ugly, bald, tattooed, and
like to monologue. Everybody got that?
Right, so it happens that nine children from Lorien managed to escape, and went into
hiding on Earth along with a few guardians. But the Mogadorians, being evil, had to
make sure that everyone from Lorien died. Why isn’t made clear, but my money is
on “only these nine special children have the power to stop evil once and for all!”, if
only because it’s that kind of story. Or maybe the Mogadorians are just obsessive-
compulsive and get the twitches if they don’t finish something properly.
So these alien kids grow up on Earth, and one of them has the misfortune to grow
up into former child model Alex Pettyfer, who as a kid starred in the movie that
simultaneously began and destroyed a franchise – Alex Rider: Stormbreaker. Now
he’s back, starring in another franchise kickoff that will probably also mark both the
beginning and end of a series. Not that this is his fault, per se, but he was apparently
awful in Stormbreaker and his acting wasn’t horribly impressive here either.
So Alex – er, John, as he later calls himself (we never find out his birth name) is
bumming around on a beach with a bunch of other attractive young adults in their
twenties – er, I mean, teenagers – when his leg starts to glow like a spotlight. This
apparently indicates that one of his fellow Lorien natives has just died. Two others are
already dead, and this is the third one. That makes John number four (why he knows
he’s next on the hit list isn’t made clear).
(In this scene we also find out that John is apparently irresistible to girls. I’m not sure
why, but accept it as an Informed Attribute).
So John runs off with his guardian Henry and starts a new life in a different
American state (I can’t remember which one). It seems they do this regularly, to
avoid suspicion, but from the way they both act it’s very difficult to buy that they’ve
managed to stay undetected all this time. Henry is the more sensible of the two, but
even he does really stupid things. For instance, they have some special box from
Lorien that was a gift from John’s father (of course), which he’s not allowed to open
until he’s “ready” (what did you expect?). Naturally this box is very important and
must be kept safe at all costs, which is why Henry just stuffs it inside a grandfather
clock, which he doesn’t even lock. This is despite the fact that the box later starts
glowing like crazy.
John, though, is easily stupider than his guardian, as when his leg starts glowing he
doesn’t run away, and when a dog shows up outside their new home he just grabs it
and hauls it inside for a pet (seriously – would you just grab a random dog you found?
What if it had rabies or something?). And even though he knows he’s being hunted
by the Mogadorians, he insists on going to school because staying safely at home
is boooring. At school he broods and scowls at people, vampire style, and acts so
suspiciously it’s almost funny.
At school he meets a girl who we know is “different” because she’s into photography,
wears a beret, and looks like a twenty-six year old model. She’s unpopular anyway,
even though a girl who looked like that in a real highschool would have guys drooling
over her and other girls sucking up to her (mind you, this is a Movie highschool
where everyone looks implausibly hot, so maybe not).
Of course she’s immediately attracted to John, and why not? He’s not particularly
handsome, has the charisma of a limp noodle, and acts as if he wouldn’t know how
to smile if you gave him an instruction manual with pictures. And we’re informed
that he likes her too, even though he acts like an Asperger around her (i.e. impassive,
awkward and disinterested).
Here we also meet Sam, who was the only character I liked. Other kids pick on him
because his dad was a UFO nut (don’t they always show up in movies like this?), but
he’s sweet and doesn’t apologise for anything. John is kind enough to make friends
with him, though I can’t tell exactly why he cares; he doesn’t seem to know how to
do “compassionate”. Unless you can scowl sympathetically?
A completely predictable, undeveloped romance ensues (between John and the girl
whose name I can’t remember, not John and Sam. I already told you this movie
doesn’t try anything new), and John starts manifesting weird powers. He acts like a
moron, again – when his palms start glowing brightly in a darkened classroom as if he
has mobile phones embedded in them, I sat there mouthing “run away now” at him,
but he just sat there and stared at his glowy hands like a complete bozo for a solid
minute. As well as having the amazing power of Flashlight Hands (seriously, the light
does nothing else), he also gets super strength (what did you expect?) and telekinesis.
I don’t suppose I need to tell you that this school has bullies (one of them played by
the villain from Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief – a much better movie), and
that John beats them up with his new super strength? And even though he throws
them around like hackysacks, none of them die or are seriously maimed. You already
guessed that part, right?
Oh, and he does all this in front of witnesses. I don’t think I really needed to tell you
that either.
See what I mean? There’s no way he kept himself secret this long if he’s that stupid.
No frigging way.
The romance, by the way, is Twilight style True Everlasting Love That Lasts Forever
And Is Totally Pure. But you saw that one coming too, right? And it’s about as well
developed as Twilight love, too. (That said, the girl playing the Love Interest is
likeable enough. I just can’t fathom why she likes Alex Pettyfer, who looks like Ben
Affleck with less acting talent and raw charisma).
The only two reasons why I kept paying attention is because I liked Sam, and because
I wondered what was up with the dog. It was obviously up to something, but just what
wasn’t clear.
One other slightly cool character is a woman who turns out to be one of John’s fellow
aliens. She’s played by an Australian, and you can tell because she only attempts an
American accent every ten words or so, and the rest of the time sounds Australian (I
actually read an article before the movie came out where the actress outright admitted
to not having bothered with an accent. That was when I knew it was going to be a
dumb movie. That and the fact that Pettyfer said he got his role after the filmmakers
said they couldn’t find anyone else. Ouch).
But it was cool seeing a butt-kicking Australian hero who clearly was Australian for
once.
The movie ends with a big showdown in John’s new school against a gang of
Mogadorians and their two pet monsters. Australian chick helps fight them off, and
John’s dog turns out to be a shapeshifting alien dog from Lorien, which helps them
fight the Mogadorian monsters. It’s a fairly neat sequence, all in all.
The movie ends, John and his girl have to part ways but Sam goes with him (Sam, but
not the girlfriend? But to be fair, Sam lives with his abusive stepdad and no-one else,
while Girlfriend has a loving family). And the dog survives, yay! (It’s a cute dog,
okay?).
See this movie if you want a few laughs, but sneak some booze into the cinema if you
can. I don’t think there will be a sequel. If there is one, there probably still won’t be
the indented six-film franchise. It takes monster success to get a string of films like
that, and I doubt they’re going to get that here.
Oh, and Henry the mentor dies. But you knew that would happen, right?
I Am Number Four was adapted from a book written specifically to make lots of
money, and it shows. A lot.
Derivative, clichéd and shallow, it doesn’t have a single interesting idea in its head.
That isn’t to say it’s horrible; it isn’t. It’s just mediocre. There a couple of likeable
characters and at least one amusing moment, and I’ll be sure to get into those in a
moment.
Here’s the backstory: Some years ago, the faraway planet of Lorien (not affiliated
with Lothlorien. Honest!) was destroyed by a race of evil aliens called Mogadorians
(not affiliated with the old British phrase “I’ll be mogadored!”. Probably). The
Mogadorians, by the way, are evil because they destroy things, and they destroy
things because they’re evil. They’re also evil because they’re ugly, bald, tattooed, and
like to monologue. Everybody got that?
Right, so it happens that nine children from Lorien managed to escape, and went into
hiding on Earth along with a few guardians. But the Mogadorians, being evil, had to
make sure that everyone from Lorien died. Why isn’t made clear, but my money is
on “only these nine special children have the power to stop evil once and for all!”, if
only because it’s that kind of story. Or maybe the Mogadorians are just obsessive-
compulsive and get the twitches if they don’t finish something properly.
So these alien kids grow up on Earth, and one of them has the misfortune to grow
up into former child model Alex Pettyfer, who as a kid starred in the movie that
simultaneously began and destroyed a franchise – Alex Rider: Stormbreaker. Now
he’s back, starring in another franchise kickoff that will probably also mark both the
beginning and end of a series. Not that this is his fault, per se, but he was apparently
awful in Stormbreaker and his acting wasn’t horribly impressive here either.
So Alex – er, John, as he later calls himself (we never find out his birth name) is
bumming around on a beach with a bunch of other attractive young adults in their
twenties – er, I mean, teenagers – when his leg starts to glow like a spotlight. This
apparently indicates that one of his fellow Lorien natives has just died. Two others are
already dead, and this is the third one. That makes John number four (why he knows
he’s next on the hit list isn’t made clear).
(In this scene we also find out that John is apparently irresistible to girls. I’m not sure
why, but accept it as an Informed Attribute).
So John runs off with his guardian Henry and starts a new life in a different
American state (I can’t remember which one). It seems they do this regularly, to
avoid suspicion, but from the way they both act it’s very difficult to buy that they’ve
managed to stay undetected all this time. Henry is the more sensible of the two, but
even he does really stupid things. For instance, they have some special box from
Lorien that was a gift from John’s father (of course), which he’s not allowed to open
until he’s “ready” (what did you expect?). Naturally this box is very important and
must be kept safe at all costs, which is why Henry just stuffs it inside a grandfather
clock, which he doesn’t even lock. This is despite the fact that the box later starts
glowing like crazy.
John, though, is easily stupider than his guardian, as when his leg starts glowing he
doesn’t run away, and when a dog shows up outside their new home he just grabs it
and hauls it inside for a pet (seriously – would you just grab a random dog you found?
What if it had rabies or something?). And even though he knows he’s being hunted
by the Mogadorians, he insists on going to school because staying safely at home
is boooring. At school he broods and scowls at people, vampire style, and acts so
suspiciously it’s almost funny.
At school he meets a girl who we know is “different” because she’s into photography,
wears a beret, and looks like a twenty-six year old model. She’s unpopular anyway,
even though a girl who looked like that in a real highschool would have guys drooling
over her and other girls sucking up to her (mind you, this is a Movie highschool
where everyone looks implausibly hot, so maybe not).
Of course she’s immediately attracted to John, and why not? He’s not particularly
handsome, has the charisma of a limp noodle, and acts as if he wouldn’t know how
to smile if you gave him an instruction manual with pictures. And we’re informed
that he likes her too, even though he acts like an Asperger around her (i.e. impassive,
awkward and disinterested).
Here we also meet Sam, who was the only character I liked. Other kids pick on him
because his dad was a UFO nut (don’t they always show up in movies like this?), but
he’s sweet and doesn’t apologise for anything. John is kind enough to make friends
with him, though I can’t tell exactly why he cares; he doesn’t seem to know how to
do “compassionate”. Unless you can scowl sympathetically?
A completely predictable, undeveloped romance ensues (between John and the girl
whose name I can’t remember, not John and Sam. I already told you this movie
doesn’t try anything new), and John starts manifesting weird powers. He acts like a
moron, again – when his palms start glowing brightly in a darkened classroom as if he
has mobile phones embedded in them, I sat there mouthing “run away now” at him,
but he just sat there and stared at his glowy hands like a complete bozo for a solid
minute. As well as having the amazing power of Flashlight Hands (seriously, the light
does nothing else), he also gets super strength (what did you expect?) and telekinesis.
I don’t suppose I need to tell you that this school has bullies (one of them played by
the villain from Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief – a much better movie), and
that John beats them up with his new super strength? And even though he throws
them around like hackysacks, none of them die or are seriously maimed. You already
guessed that part, right?
Oh, and he does all this in front of witnesses. I don’t think I really needed to tell you
that either.
See what I mean? There’s no way he kept himself secret this long if he’s that stupid.
No frigging way.
The romance, by the way, is Twilight style True Everlasting Love That Lasts Forever
And Is Totally Pure. But you saw that one coming too, right? And it’s about as well
developed as Twilight love, too. (That said, the girl playing the Love Interest is
likeable enough. I just can’t fathom why she likes Alex Pettyfer, who looks like Ben
Affleck with less acting talent and raw charisma).
The only two reasons why I kept paying attention is because I liked Sam, and because
I wondered what was up with the dog. It was obviously up to something, but just what
wasn’t clear.
One other slightly cool character is a woman who turns out to be one of John’s fellow
aliens. She’s played by an Australian, and you can tell because she only attempts an
American accent every ten words or so, and the rest of the time sounds Australian (I
actually read an article before the movie came out where the actress outright admitted
to not having bothered with an accent. That was when I knew it was going to be a
dumb movie. That and the fact that Pettyfer said he got his role after the filmmakers
said they couldn’t find anyone else. Ouch).
But it was cool seeing a butt-kicking Australian hero who clearly was Australian for
once.
The movie ends with a big showdown in John’s new school against a gang of
Mogadorians and their two pet monsters. Australian chick helps fight them off, and
John’s dog turns out to be a shapeshifting alien dog from Lorien, which helps them
fight the Mogadorian monsters. It’s a fairly neat sequence, all in all.
The movie ends, John and his girl have to part ways but Sam goes with him (Sam, but
not the girlfriend? But to be fair, Sam lives with his abusive stepdad and no-one else,
while Girlfriend has a loving family). And the dog survives, yay! (It’s a cute dog,
okay?).
See this movie if you want a few laughs, but sneak some booze into the cinema if you
can. I don’t think there will be a sequel. If there is one, there probably still won’t be
the indented six-film franchise. It takes monster success to get a string of films like
that, and I doubt they’re going to get that here.
Oh, and Henry the mentor dies. But you knew that would happen, right?
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Date: 2011-02-23 10:52 am (UTC)But the Mogadorians, being evil, had to make sure that everyone from Lorien died. Why isn’t made clear, but my money is on “only these nine special children have the power to stop evil once and for all!”, if only because it’s that kind of story. Or maybe the Mogadorians are just obsessive- compulsive and get the twitches if they don’t finish something properly.
I know why the Mogadorians want to destroy the last of the Loriens! I knew that Stormbreaker kid wasn't quite human. :P He’s not particularly handsome, has the charisma of a limp noodle, and acts as if he wouldn’t know how to smile if you gave him an instruction manual with pictures. But didn't you hear? That's everything that girls these days find attractive in a guy! Just look at... well. All in all, I think I'll give this movie a miss, or see if it becomes popular enough for a Rifftraxs recording.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 06:02 pm (UTC)WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOX?!?
no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 08:18 pm (UTC)I figured this movie would suck though I bet it's probably better than the book. I say that having never experienced either directly but because good visuals can generally improve anything a little bit. :I
no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 11:57 pm (UTC)*smirk*
no subject
Date: 2011-02-24 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 05:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-08 03:28 pm (UTC)Loved your review and it highlighted a lot of the points I wanted to raise when I actually saw the movie.