kippurbird | In which Kippur does a bad, bad thing

So I've been working in this section of the library now with book titles like "the Conquring Jew" and "Jewish contrabutions to civilzation" and "Jews at a glance" and "The social habits of the American Jew" and "A gentiles bird's eye view of the Jew and his contrabution to history". It's all very Politically Correct Racism or so it feels. Joking with a coworker, I said that it was if we were being followed around and studied like some sort of animal.

This was the result of that conversation:

The scene is of a busy college campus. Students mingle and roam around carrying books, notebooks, heavy backpacks and food. A few are enganged in conversation in small clumps. More are talking on their cell phones. Every once in a while a lone student comes by dragging a suitcase.

Into this docial scene Steve Irwin and his camera crew slowly intrude. Steve is gesturing to the camera crew to follow him as he creeps towards the students.

"Okay.. okay... so today we're here looking at a Jew in its natural habitat," he says in a stage whisper, arms out wide by his side, excitment leaking out of his voice. "We're here at the," And he speaks the next words slowly as if they're unfamiliar to him, "The University of Judaism. Which is know for its large population of all different types of Jews."

He motions for the camara crew to do a sweep of the campus. The view is splendid, the 405 freeway is barely visible and the sky is clear with only a hint of smog. The campus consists of a large three story building with patios, chairs and planters. Below on the ground level is a garden with abstract sculptures.

"Now, Jews are very interesting creatures. They're very adaptiable, being found in all sorts of enviorments and work situations," he says creeping towards one of the mingling students. "Over here we have what's known as an Orthodox Jew."

The camera focuses on the Jew. He's wearing a button down shirt, slacks and is talking on his cell phone.

"It's the male of the speices. You can tell by looking at the top of his head. Notice how it's covered with this small cap. This is known as the kipa or Yalmica. Now while it is removeable, it is considered to be very dangerous thing to be done by an outsider. Now some of the females do tend to wear these kipa, so they aren't the best indicator of gender in the orthodox Jew. However if you look at its waist you can see these fringes or Tzistit. These are a definate indicator of a male orthodox Jew." He circles around the Jew as he points these things out. "You can tell that he's trying to blend in with his surroundings by using the cell phone like his non-Jewish counterparts. However the kipa and tzistit are clear give aways."

He backs away from the Jew and goes over to another group. "Now these over here don't look like Jews at a glance. They appear to have blend in quite well with their non-Jewish or "Gentile" counterparts. You notice that they don't have a kipa or the tzistit. However, their eating habits remain the same."

From somewhere he pulls out a bagel. "This is a New York bagel. Now it is consumed by both Jews and Gentiles alike, but if I were to add cream cheese and Lox, which is a type of fish, it becomes almost irreisitable to the Jew."

He does so and then carefully starts to approach the group. "Now I'm going to try and draw one of them closer to me, by tempting it with this Bagel and Lox." He waves the bagel at the group of students. "This is very dangerous and shouldn't be tried at home." The group of students notice hims and the bagel he's waving. When they do he starts to back off. The students start to follow him, eyes trained on the bagel. He starts to back away quicker and they start to run. Giving a yelp he throws the bagel at them and dashes off behind the planter. The camera bounces as the camera crew follows him. The students fight over the bagel, trying to claim it.

When the furry of the Jews trying to claim the bagel dies down, Steve and his camera crew emerge once again. This time they go over to a group of females, several of which are nursing babies. Steve becomes extremely excited at this sight. "Look, look!," He says, "Here we have some females of the spieces with their young. You can tell that they are female because of the lack of kipa on the head and the tzistit around the waist. Now as I mentioned before, the kipa is not the best way to tell the gender of the Jew. Some females have been seen wearing them. We aren't certain as to why this so. We believe it may be some sort of mutation in the spieces. There has also been known in some rare, rare cases of females with tzitzit. But this is almost unheard of."

He and the camera crew creep closer to the females. "Now as you can see they're very good mothers. However sometimes the young doesn't leave the mother until way past maturity and event then the mother doesn't feel that it is safe to leave their young alone and constantly haurange and barrage it with all sorts of questions."

Steve has the camera focus on one of the infants, "As you can see, as with all young, the babies are quite cute."

Bad me. Very, very bad me.