Cookie metaphors...

[kippurbird]

Chapter Ten: Escape and Evasion Pt.1




So, Eragon is running. And he's not keeping himself hydrated. So, he's gotten himself a headache. It takes Paolini two paragraphs to tell us this. When this important part would be these two sentences The dry air leached the moisture from his breath, leaving his throat raw. No matter how much he drank, he could not compensate for the amount of water the sun and the wind stole from him. He should probably get a hat. Still, Paolini takes time to have Eragon ponder the fact that the land probably hadn't gotten rain in a month and how his stride jars everything from his legs to his teeth. \~/ \~/

And he's running. He's not running as fast as he'd like to because he's sticking to the roads to avoid notice and it's easier to run on. And he's running. Also, it's been about a week since the end of the Burning Plains battle. Yes. There's no way Elva should be up and about so quickly, if such things hurt her so. And Eragon's armor shouldn't have rusted so quickly. Unless he was a total idiot and not taking care of it since he got it. And he runs. \~/

And he's happy he's by himself since he's spent so much time with other people in his head. And he's running. And it feels good to not have to think. And he's running. He does this for a page. \~/ \~/

And then there's a random encounter. No, seriously. He's running, and running and all of a sudden there are soldiers! \~/ \~/

The sound of jingling harnesses, clomping hooves, and men’s voices jarred Eragon out of his reverie. Alarmed, he stopped and glanced around, trying to determine from what direction the men were approaching. A pair of cackling jackdaws spiraled upward from a nearby ravine.

The only cover close to Eragon was a small thicket of juniper trees. He sprinted toward it and dove under the drooping branches just as six soldiers emerged from the ravine and rode cantering out onto the thin dirt road not ten feet away. Normally, Eragon would have sensed their presence long before they got so close, but since Thorn’s distant appearance, he had kept his mind walled off from his surroundings.

So, Eragon failed his perception check and totally missed the horses. The thing I'm a bit leery about here is the fact that they're cantering out of a ravine. I don't know how deep it is and if a canter is an appropriate gait. Also, if they're that close, Eragon really should have noticed them with his uber senses. Hearing doesn't have anything to do with mental head noticing. Unless he's totally spaced out. Which he could have been. \~/

Still all that happens is that he jumps into a grove of trees, one of the soldiers pokes around in the bushes and Eragon manages to get an invisibility spell up in time. There's supposed to be a tense moment there because Eragon fouls up the spell the first time around, The words poured off his tongue in an unbroken stream, until, to his alarm, he mispronounced a particularly difficult cluster of vowels and had to start the incantation anew. but nothing bad happens because of it. There's no spark of magic that could let someone see him, it doesn't make the trees around him turn invisible and not him. Something bad should happen. Nothing does, of course. \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ Nothing ever bad happens. The soldiers poke around and nearly miss Eragon, of course and then drop some mysterious dialog about Murtagh.

Apparently Murtagh said something in regards to the king or out loud which makes them uneasy. And they don't want to find who ever they're looking for. They don't know who they're looking for actually. They wonder if it's Murtagh himself. Which is silly. You can't have your guards looking around for someone they don't know who it is. Or even what he looks like. It's not like they can't go around and ask people, "Are you the one the king is looking for?" and hope that they get a yes. \~/ \~/ But it's only there so Eragon can go "What did Murtagh say?!"

The soldiers leave and Eragon starts to run again.


There's a confusing moment when there's a scene change. All of a sudden Eragon is waking up from a dream. A waking dream? \~/ He's waking up from a waking dream. But he was laying down and sleeping when it happened. Yes. That completely works. \~/ \~/

Eragon has been dreaming about the battlefields he's fought in. And all the people he's killed. He ends up giving a "shapeless howl" (no, I don't know how that works) \~/ and curled up in a ball rocking and crying. This is sort of a reasonable response. I'm saying sort of, because it's coming out of nowhere. He's just had one dream like this. They haven't been tormenting him. If they have, they haven't been mentioned. So, it just feels dropped in. Much like Nasuda's culture.

He's upset that he's getting them, considering himself weak.

None of the epics Brom had recited in Carvahall mentioned that such visions had bedeviled the heroes of old. None of the warriors Eragon had met in the Varden seemed troubled by the blood they shed. And even though Roran admitted he disliked killing, he did not wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

I’m weak,thought Eragon.A man should not feel like this. A Rider should not feel like this. Garrow or Brom would have been fine, I know. They did what needed to be done, and that was that. No crying about it, no endless worrying or gnashing of teeth. . . . I’m weak .

See this is a reasonable response. It's a logical sort of extension of thought from reading/hearing the stories and actual reality. It's a teenage boy reacting to the realities of war. The thing is, I don't know if it will last, or if this is a one shot thing. It's so hard to tell with Paolini. He never seems to stick with things. Instead he just throws them there because it seems good, or it's supposed to be there. \~/

He never follows through with anything. Which is why his world stays cliched. It never gets the chance to be developed beyond the OOH IDEA part. He throws it in there and doesn't let it grow. One of the things you need to do with an idea is to explore it and change it to make it yours. It's like making frosted cookies. You start off with a plain cookie and then decorate it silly. All different frostings, sprinkles, candies, what have you. Each person will decorate their cookie differently however. Paolini, however, seems to stop at just the cookie. He makes his cookie, just like everyone else but never actually decorates it.

I just compared writing to making cookies. Hehee. \~/


Drinks: 21

Comments

[thelittlebudgie.livejournal.com]

You know, there's a reason why they make sports drinks. You lose salt and electrolytes through sweating, and drinking too much without replacing those can kill you. It'd be lovely if Eragon suffered from water poisoning, but Paolini probably isn't aware of that.

Also I would like cookies now. Omnomnom.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I wasn't aware of that. Huh. Something to note!

Cookies are yummy.

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

I actually quite like your cookie metaphor, although I would have taken it further: "Writing is like cooking anything in general. You start off with a limited number of ingredients---although hugely varied, they are still essentially limited, and everyone has access to the same ingredients---and you combine them into a meal that is as unique as you. What you cook with your chosen ingredients, and indeed the ingredients themselves, reflect your personality and are shaped by your culinary (or literary, as it were) experiences and exposure."

End super-pretentious codswallop here (Heh, that's University-level codswallop to you). Begin commentary to chapter:

another tension-less, undramatic (or is that melodramatic) chaper typical of Paolini's 'pacing' and 'style' which achieves nothing and really has no purpose except to add some poorly-orchestrated characterisation and perhaps a red-herring of a plot twist. Wait, does Paolini do red herrings?

No wonder he had to expand the 'trilogy' to a 'quadrilogy'.

Happy Christmas, by the way. I hope you have a great one, and take some time off sporking to regain your sanity. Perhaps read something good to restore your faith in literature. Something by Faulkner, perhaps. Or Vonnegut.

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Psst. Chanukah.
(...er....right Kip?)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I did think of that, but I wanted to focus merely on Paolini's inability to decorate his cookies. Extended metaphors at twelve in the morning are hard to think of!

We're not even done with our chapter! It gets worse! I would think that Paolini tries to do red herrings I'm not sure if he actually succeeds though.

Happy Christmas to you too! Though for me it's Hanukkah.

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry. Happy Hanukkah, then! :)
Thanks for the tip, anarchicg.

[faded-enmity.livejournal.com]

He has an invisibility spell. Why was he worried to begin with? He could have just done the spell when he heard men coming and then left it at that. Then again, why does he immediately assume they're enemies, or that they would know who he was, or care? Hell, the Empire seems pretty nice, actually, and they might have given him a ride to the next village, or at least some supplies. As a writer, I would have done that, I think.

I also like how forgetting that intent mattered, not the actual words, was more than a one-off occurrence -- looks like the words actually entirely matter now.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Fascinating logic. Which is the problem. You are using logic. There are hundreds of thousands of people in the Empire, it's logical to assume that they don't know what you look like. And by hiding like that only makes you look suspicious. But there's less tension that way. Or at least less supposed tension that way.

I also like how forgetting that intent mattered, not the actual words, was more than a one-off occurrence -- looks like the words actually entirely matter now.

Paolini's got continuity issues. I'm sure it'll flip flop again later.

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

Oh, you know it. One of my favourite scenes, the Dwarf Ninja scene, does this very thing.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

.... dwarf ninja scene. I can't wait to see this.

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's truly awesome. In that pull-your-hair-out-and-set-fire-to-the-wallpaper kind of way.

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

Not to mention... why did they stab the one random bush that Eragon happened to be hiding in?

The only reason is: author contrivance.

[faded-enmity.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, the sheer number of contrivances in this has gone past amusing and now just makes me roll my eyes and think "what I would have done is...."

And really, just stabbing a bush is ridiculous. What if some traveler was taking a shit behind it? Or maybe there was a predatory animal that could tear a man limb from limb napping in its shade?

[easol.livejournal.com]

"OW!"
"Hey guys, I think I found what we're... oops, never mind. Not what we're looking for. Uh, sorry sir. Just carry on with your.... 'business.'"

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

Exactly! And does Paolini really expect us to believe that these guys are stabbing every bush in Alagaesia?

Actually, your comment makes me think it would have been an amusing scene if they'd stabbed another bush, and some traveller jumps out screaming.... kind of Monty Python.

[attack-bunny.livejournal.com]

>“Unless we be searching for Murtagh,” suggested a third man. “You heard what Morzan’s spawn said well as I did.”

At a guess:
Murty: Galby is a big douche.
Thorn: Like, totally. Duh.
Onlookers: O.O

[easol.livejournal.com]

He totally said that.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[attack-bunny.livejournal.com]

Also you know Eragon's guilt is only to prove to the critics that Eragon isn't a sociopath? It actually proves more that he is because sociopaths (or narcissists, one of them but Eragon is both) are super-impressionable and Eragon only feels guilt after Roran tells him he should.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

And someone probably pointed out to Paolini that Eragon should.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Now I want to read (or see) a comedy that does have the King's Soldiers going around asking people "Are you the one the king is looking for?" :D

[easol.livejournal.com]

Suggest it to Pratchett!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

That would be funny!

... I don't need another plot bunny.

[falconwhitaker.livejournal.com]

Psst... your first block-quote didn't work properly. >.>

Also, Happy Hannukah.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes it did. >.>

Thank you!

[falconwhitaker.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry, my mistake :P

[shmeiliarockie.livejournal.com]

That dream and Eragon's reaction to it should have been at the beginning of the story. I might have felt a tiny bit of sympathy with him that way. Here it just feels tacked on, almost like filler.

No, wait... This whole BOOK is filler. Nevermind.

[easol.livejournal.com]

It would have even awesomer if he had had the whole pitched-battle nastiness at the start, then show Eragon waking up.

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

But then, that was done in the second LOTR movie, where we start with Gandalf's last words from the first movie, and then Frodo wakes up from a nightmare.

[easol.livejournal.com]

That was what first occurred to me -- and it was a good idea, opening the movie with a bang to draw you in. If it had started with trudge-trudge-trudge-creep-creep-creep as this one did, it would've been deadly dull.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

The entire first part of the story should have been cut. And yes, it does feel like filler here.

Can an entire book be filler?

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Of course an entire book can be filler! Look at the Crossroads of Twillight!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*LALALALA*

[shmeiliarockie.livejournal.com]

Or all of New Moon.

[easol.livejournal.com]

Dear Lord, my brain is still bleeding.

[alexseanchai]

I've only been skimming the Brisrwhatr posts since I haven't read the book and hadn't been planning to. Which information I apparently neglected to communicate to my sister. (My Amazon wish list only has a thousand things on it, surely there was something on there we'd both like...) Guess what I got for Christmas?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[alexseanchai]

Eh, she left the price sticker on it, I can return it and spend the eighteen dollars on something worthwhile. But I just had to share the joy.

[flameraven.livejournal.com]

What happened to Chapter 9? Or was there just a mislabel somewhere?