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kippurbirdThis is only the first thousand or so words. I do not have a plot.
Most parties were enjoyable events, fancy foods, expensive drinks, gorgeous men and women in fine clothes, were all important ingredients. However, if the people attending happened to be utter bores who were only there to meet other people who also were other bores and really weren’t there for the party, then the party became just as entertaining as watching a rock walk. Leaning in the shadow of a stone column in the Council Leader’s garden, Jono watched a bunch of boring bores stand around talking at what should have been his birthday party. Technically, it was his party, but only in name. Dignitaries from all the important kingdoms and states, important traders and merchants arrived to use his birthday as an excuse to make nice and money. Peering through the entire crowd, he didn’t recognize one single person there. And not one person appeared to be his age, of nineteen or around there of. All of them could be his parent’s age or older.
With an annoyed slump, he sipped at his wine, briefly wishing that being the Oracle didn’t mean that his birthday required a huge party with lots of people he didn’t know. Even the gifts they had given him were utterly useless. What was he supposed to do with a fine crystal bowl? He almost threw it at the man who gave it to him. It would have been horribly rude, but as Oracle he could do whatever he damn well pleased. Or so they told him.
Whatever he damn well pleased seem to have a lot of qualifiers like meet people and give their fortunes, talk to dignitaries, pretend like he cared about whatever gifts they were giving him, stay in the temple unless supervised. Oh yes, quite a lot of doing whatever he wanted. Beyond those rules… or… niceties that needed to be observed. That’s what the priests called them, niceties. They could take their niceties and shove it right up their nice tight asses, next to that sandstone rod.
At least the column and the darkness of the evening, cast into gloomy shadow by the brighter lit parts of the garden hung with wil o’ wisp light globes made it hard to see him. The black tunic with silver embroidery helped making him invisible. Really, the only thing that would make him stand out were his hazel eyes and curly auburn hair. But no one seemed to be looking for him. No one seemed to care that the guest of honor wasn’t around.
He could probably even leave and no one would notice.
He turned that idea over in his mind several times. He’d done his Official Duties, saying hello to all the important people and wishing them good fortune. They’d presented him with their gifts in return. The dinner had been eaten. All that remained would be talking and dancing. And Jono had no intention of dancing with anyone present. It would feel like dancing with his parents or grandparents. Not a pleasant feeling at all. Rather creepy, now that he thought about it.
His party. He could do what he wanted. He could do what he wanted anyway (with in reason, so they told him). And what he wanted, right then, was to leave.
Pushing away from the column he walked back to the main party, passing the shadowed hedges and arches over hung with vines. No young couples hid in the alcoves whispering and giggling. No one that young had been invited.
He walked down the shining white stones that reflected almost gold from the moon up in the sky. The silver eyed moon set long ago, and the golden eye followed it slowly. In a moment of fancy, saw sparks flicker from under his boot heel as he walked, the dust flashing in the moon’s light.
Music grew louder as he reached the edge of the patio. He could see the band on the far side playing somberly, while people talked, even on the dance floor. Snorting Jono shook his head. What an utterly stupid party.
And he needed some wine. Figuring to grab a skin of the nice kind, after all he deserved it on his birthday; he angled his way towards the kitchens when a snatch of conversation stopped him. Turning on heel he looked at one of the council members who spoke to some person or another that Jono just didn’t care about, he said, “What did you just say?”
The council member, Zaltar gave him a startled look, his bushy red eyebrows going right up into his hair, as red as the fire he could control. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean?” he asked, stalling for time. Jono knew that tactic. Zaltar always used it when he tried to think of some sort of excuse to lie.
“You said something about the Trovens,” Jono insisted, forcibly refreshing the man’s memory.
“Oh, yes, yes.” Zaltar smiled as if it were some sort of forgotten piece of nothing that Jono asked him to remember. “Raven’s children returned to the city about a week ago.”
“They did? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Jono almost snapped.
“Why would they?”
“That, is not a question you should be asking,” he said flatly and then shoved his wine glass into the councilman’s hand, before storming off.
How dare they indeed. Of course, a small part of his mind, reminded him, they had no reason to tell him. Except that the youngest Troven, Alec, and he were friends. Had been friends since they were little and in the same class together. It would have been nice to have Alec here to keep him company. And Alec was a Troven, they were one of the First Families. They were practically obligated to come to these events.
That made Jono fume even more. How did they get to get out of it when he didn’t? Even if it was his birthday. That didn’t matter. Just that he got bored out of his mind so then everyone else that he knew and could –should – come to the party should suffer the same fate.
His steps took him out of the gardens and into the main house. One of his guards saw him stalking through and reached out to stop him.
“Touch me and I’ll ruin your life,” Jono said, continuing to walk. The guard jerked back his hand and instead started to follow him.
Of course, he couldn’t go walking about the city he grew up in by himself. The Oracle could get hurt by stubbing his toe or talking to someone funny. Never mind that people considered him the strongest fire wizard of his generation and could easily take out anyone willing ot harm him.
The guards, the priests said, were for show. And, Jono always added privately to himself, to make sure he behaved. A second guard joined the first, both dressed in black armor with the silvery triangle emblem of the Oracle pinned on their cloaks, and both carrying halberds.
Jono ignored them, instead trying to think of a way to get Alec to come and talk to him. He did have limited options, unfortunately, as during the days he did have his duties and the nights were spent studying, learning the mundane things of his magics and histories to how to hone his abilities as Oracle further. The priests really didn’t’ give him any time to do anything. Except when he threw a fit.
He disliked doing that too often.
The cooler night air, away from the heated garden slowed him down and frosted his thoughts some. Alec could be anywhere in the city, but he knew Alec. Knew how he felt, his mind and thoughts. Closing his eyes he opened his mind, telepathically and with his wizardly senses, out to the city at large, all the thousands of people living and visiting. He scraped away the minds that touched none of the elements. Those felt dull and gray. Lifeless even if they did still live. Then followed water wizards, blues and bubbling tenors; the air with their high sopranos always skipping here and there, the solid bass earths rooted deep into the ground and life of the world.
That left the fire wizards. All of them flickering and bright altos. He scoured their minds looking for Alec’s, the familiar if slightly odd way he tickled the element. The catch of skipping and dancing just too near but not near enough the full fledge song of fire.
Surprisingly, he found Alec near by, in one of the local city taverns. Alec felt tired and rather strained, which made Jono frown. Such feelings weren’t usual for Alec. Though the last time Jono saw him was five years ago. A lot changed in five years. Four years ago, Jono hadn’t even been the Oracle. Smiling, Jono started to walk towards that tavern, wondering what Alec would say when they met again. It would be most enjoyable, being able to one up him even again. How could Alec top being the Oracle?
Jono’s frustration at Alec being able to leave and travel away from the city ate at him for months. Traveling to all the different places around the land, seeing the ocean, meeting kings? Now, now as Oracle, kings came to him. Though he still couldn’t see the ocean, which gnawed at him greatly.
For a moment he felt like he could fly as he walked, giddy at the idea of seeing him again. A better birthday present he couldn’t ask for.
Most parties were enjoyable events, fancy foods, expensive drinks, gorgeous men and women in fine clothes, were all important ingredients. However, if the people attending happened to be utter bores who were only there to meet other people who also were other bores and really weren’t there for the party, then the party became just as entertaining as watching a rock walk. Leaning in the shadow of a stone column in the Council Leader’s garden, Jono watched a bunch of boring bores stand around talking at what should have been his birthday party. Technically, it was his party, but only in name. Dignitaries from all the important kingdoms and states, important traders and merchants arrived to use his birthday as an excuse to make nice and money. Peering through the entire crowd, he didn’t recognize one single person there. And not one person appeared to be his age, of nineteen or around there of. All of them could be his parent’s age or older.
With an annoyed slump, he sipped at his wine, briefly wishing that being the Oracle didn’t mean that his birthday required a huge party with lots of people he didn’t know. Even the gifts they had given him were utterly useless. What was he supposed to do with a fine crystal bowl? He almost threw it at the man who gave it to him. It would have been horribly rude, but as Oracle he could do whatever he damn well pleased. Or so they told him.
Whatever he damn well pleased seem to have a lot of qualifiers like meet people and give their fortunes, talk to dignitaries, pretend like he cared about whatever gifts they were giving him, stay in the temple unless supervised. Oh yes, quite a lot of doing whatever he wanted. Beyond those rules… or… niceties that needed to be observed. That’s what the priests called them, niceties. They could take their niceties and shove it right up their nice tight asses, next to that sandstone rod.
At least the column and the darkness of the evening, cast into gloomy shadow by the brighter lit parts of the garden hung with wil o’ wisp light globes made it hard to see him. The black tunic with silver embroidery helped making him invisible. Really, the only thing that would make him stand out were his hazel eyes and curly auburn hair. But no one seemed to be looking for him. No one seemed to care that the guest of honor wasn’t around.
He could probably even leave and no one would notice.
He turned that idea over in his mind several times. He’d done his Official Duties, saying hello to all the important people and wishing them good fortune. They’d presented him with their gifts in return. The dinner had been eaten. All that remained would be talking and dancing. And Jono had no intention of dancing with anyone present. It would feel like dancing with his parents or grandparents. Not a pleasant feeling at all. Rather creepy, now that he thought about it.
His party. He could do what he wanted. He could do what he wanted anyway (with in reason, so they told him). And what he wanted, right then, was to leave.
Pushing away from the column he walked back to the main party, passing the shadowed hedges and arches over hung with vines. No young couples hid in the alcoves whispering and giggling. No one that young had been invited.
He walked down the shining white stones that reflected almost gold from the moon up in the sky. The silver eyed moon set long ago, and the golden eye followed it slowly. In a moment of fancy, saw sparks flicker from under his boot heel as he walked, the dust flashing in the moon’s light.
Music grew louder as he reached the edge of the patio. He could see the band on the far side playing somberly, while people talked, even on the dance floor. Snorting Jono shook his head. What an utterly stupid party.
And he needed some wine. Figuring to grab a skin of the nice kind, after all he deserved it on his birthday; he angled his way towards the kitchens when a snatch of conversation stopped him. Turning on heel he looked at one of the council members who spoke to some person or another that Jono just didn’t care about, he said, “What did you just say?”
The council member, Zaltar gave him a startled look, his bushy red eyebrows going right up into his hair, as red as the fire he could control. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean?” he asked, stalling for time. Jono knew that tactic. Zaltar always used it when he tried to think of some sort of excuse to lie.
“You said something about the Trovens,” Jono insisted, forcibly refreshing the man’s memory.
“Oh, yes, yes.” Zaltar smiled as if it were some sort of forgotten piece of nothing that Jono asked him to remember. “Raven’s children returned to the city about a week ago.”
“They did? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Jono almost snapped.
“Why would they?”
“That, is not a question you should be asking,” he said flatly and then shoved his wine glass into the councilman’s hand, before storming off.
How dare they indeed. Of course, a small part of his mind, reminded him, they had no reason to tell him. Except that the youngest Troven, Alec, and he were friends. Had been friends since they were little and in the same class together. It would have been nice to have Alec here to keep him company. And Alec was a Troven, they were one of the First Families. They were practically obligated to come to these events.
That made Jono fume even more. How did they get to get out of it when he didn’t? Even if it was his birthday. That didn’t matter. Just that he got bored out of his mind so then everyone else that he knew and could –should – come to the party should suffer the same fate.
His steps took him out of the gardens and into the main house. One of his guards saw him stalking through and reached out to stop him.
“Touch me and I’ll ruin your life,” Jono said, continuing to walk. The guard jerked back his hand and instead started to follow him.
Of course, he couldn’t go walking about the city he grew up in by himself. The Oracle could get hurt by stubbing his toe or talking to someone funny. Never mind that people considered him the strongest fire wizard of his generation and could easily take out anyone willing ot harm him.
The guards, the priests said, were for show. And, Jono always added privately to himself, to make sure he behaved. A second guard joined the first, both dressed in black armor with the silvery triangle emblem of the Oracle pinned on their cloaks, and both carrying halberds.
Jono ignored them, instead trying to think of a way to get Alec to come and talk to him. He did have limited options, unfortunately, as during the days he did have his duties and the nights were spent studying, learning the mundane things of his magics and histories to how to hone his abilities as Oracle further. The priests really didn’t’ give him any time to do anything. Except when he threw a fit.
He disliked doing that too often.
The cooler night air, away from the heated garden slowed him down and frosted his thoughts some. Alec could be anywhere in the city, but he knew Alec. Knew how he felt, his mind and thoughts. Closing his eyes he opened his mind, telepathically and with his wizardly senses, out to the city at large, all the thousands of people living and visiting. He scraped away the minds that touched none of the elements. Those felt dull and gray. Lifeless even if they did still live. Then followed water wizards, blues and bubbling tenors; the air with their high sopranos always skipping here and there, the solid bass earths rooted deep into the ground and life of the world.
That left the fire wizards. All of them flickering and bright altos. He scoured their minds looking for Alec’s, the familiar if slightly odd way he tickled the element. The catch of skipping and dancing just too near but not near enough the full fledge song of fire.
Surprisingly, he found Alec near by, in one of the local city taverns. Alec felt tired and rather strained, which made Jono frown. Such feelings weren’t usual for Alec. Though the last time Jono saw him was five years ago. A lot changed in five years. Four years ago, Jono hadn’t even been the Oracle. Smiling, Jono started to walk towards that tavern, wondering what Alec would say when they met again. It would be most enjoyable, being able to one up him even again. How could Alec top being the Oracle?
Jono’s frustration at Alec being able to leave and travel away from the city ate at him for months. Traveling to all the different places around the land, seeing the ocean, meeting kings? Now, now as Oracle, kings came to him. Though he still couldn’t see the ocean, which gnawed at him greatly.
For a moment he felt like he could fly as he walked, giddy at the idea of seeing him again. A better birthday present he couldn’t ask for.
Review
Date: 2008-11-07 09:51 pm (UTC)SETTING: There is very little sense of setting here. Beyond some vague mention of columns, a garden and flagstones the palace the party is in is barely described. Is it even a palace? Or a castle? Or manor?
The party itself is vague in the extreme – people are there wearing “fancy clothes” but beyond the “black tunic” Jono wears, there is no sense of how this society dresses, fashions etc. The party itself seems to be a pastiche of the typical “rich people” party where they all stand around with glasses of wine. There is also mention of “dancing” but no mention of what kind of dancing. Waltz? Or are they all “raising the roof” in front of a DJ? All these little specific details contribute to making a unique world. The way it reads right now, it’s just a generic fantasy world. No mention of the city is made – beyond the fact that it has a tavern (the biggest of all hack-fantasy clichés). Jono looks out over it, does it have thatched roofs? Stone like roman buildings? Wooden like Germanic medieval buildings? Wooden streets? Cobblestone? Unpaved mud? Towers? Minarets? Who knows? Again, the setting is vague and so it seems like a “typical” fantasy world. Nothing unique. I couldn’t tell it apart from the world Eragon or The Lord of the Rings or The Wheel of Time or The Sword of Shanara takes place in.
CHARACTER: I remember a while back that you said you identified as “male” gender-wise. That has always surprised me since Jono displays almost no masculine character traits. He is not stoic – he complains, sighs, shrugs and looks bored. He has no sense of responsibility – he openly resents his vaunted position. He snaps at people, is haughty, self-important and self-absorbed. He does not exude an aura of authority, instead he is reduced to making cheap threats at the guards and others who irritate him. If he were truly powerful (and not just bratty and resentful) he would not have had to say a thing to that guard – the man would have instinctively deferred to him. In short – and this is harsh, but I think you can take the truth – he acts like most males in “slash” fiction: he acts like a teenage American girl. Think about it – all the important people in the city have gathered to honor him but he leaves his own party because he wants a “cute guy.” When he goes to meet his crush, he’s giddy and “floating on air.”
I ask you this next question in all seriousness and I think it would be good for you to consider it, I am not trying to be trite or insulting: If Jono’s name were changed to “Brittany” and he was a cute blonde girl – would any of his actions or emotions seem out of place?
I also have to point out that Jono is 19 but is at a party where everyone else is older than him. This leads me to believe that, in your world, people mature at the exact same rate as modern-day America. It also seems okay for 19-year-olds to act like modern teenagers (bratty, self-absorbed etc.). I could be wrong, since we’ve only seen Jono, but because no one else his age is at the party we can assume that he is “young” and not an “adult” yet.
In medieval times people became “adults” much younger than 19 because of short life expectancy. I do not bring this up because it is particularly problematic, but just because it makes your setting seem generic. Additionally, the dialog feels very “contemporary” as does the big “birthday party.” Elemental magic has also been done before numerous times; the short of it is that all these things combine to make the piece feel like typical “hack” fantasy writing where everyone acts and speaks like they do in contemporary society, but live in a quasi-medieval world with “magic.” There is nothing unique that makes this piece stand apart from the crowd.
Finally, I would like to mention I did enjoy it when you equated the elements with different types of music. Magic is such an abstract concept and embodying it with something concrete that people can relate to was a good move.
Re: Review
Date: 2008-11-08 10:45 pm (UTC)In regards to Jono:
He is an obnoxious, spoilt, prick of bastard, completely and utterly self centered, beyond what should be good. As regards to him acting "Non" masculine, I've never really considered some behaviors to be "masculine" or "feminine", it all depends on how a person was raised. There could be very masculine women because they grew up in a house hold of boys, or their father treated them like the boy they always wanted. The same thing could happen to men. In Jono's case, he's an only child who as mentioned above, has been completely spoiled.
While being nineteen maybe considered old for a human, as a wizard (which is its own race in this world) he's actually the equivalent of about a fifteen year old as he matures slower than a normal human. They aren't considered adults until they're twenty five, so his behavior is quite appropriate for his "age". Wizards have a life expectancy of about 150 (200 at the most) because of their magical nature. Of course this is stuff that shall be put into the story during the redrafts as currently I'm just throwing actions down.
As for the magic? Thanks. I tried to come up with a good way for the magic system to work which was different.
Re: Review
Date: 2008-11-10 08:48 pm (UTC)I am aware of that; I was only attempting to point something out that you need to keep in mind during your re-writes. In particular, the lack of setting and almost utter lack of detail is somewhat jarring.
regards to him acting "Non" masculine, I've never really considered some behaviors to be "masculine" or "feminine..."
Perhaps you feel that way, but it doesn't really matter. I am only warning you that his behavior is not just "feminine" but is feminine in a particular way that is typical to "slash" fiction. I am just warning you that you are heading down a very well-worn road.
While being nineteen maybe considered old for a human, as a wizard...
With regard to the age issue, there are a couple points I'd like to make:
1. 150 is not that much older than most humans live to. I would imagine that if Wizards grew up around people, why would they mature slower? Especially if natural causes of death struck people down at young ages. This, I think, dovetails into another point I'd like to make: It seems to me that you are implying a lack of early death, from SIDS, or disease, malnutrition or accidents in your world. A high occurance of early death usually forces more rapid transitions from childhood to adulthood - in the actual Dark Ages, it would not have been unusual for 14 year old boys to be serving in shield-walls and 14 year old girls to be pregnant and married. A lack of disease, early death, infant mortality etc. serves only to make your setting quasi-medieval. In other worlds, your society functions like a modern one, but is set in older times sans the drawbacks. Most people can just chock this up to "magic" but it only serves to make a less believable, more generic and "hack" fantasy world.
2. Is there a point in making Wizards live so long? And why bother slowing their maturation rates? Why not just cut it out in the name of simplicity. It may be possible for powerful Wizards to live a long time - like Merlin or something - but why bother complicating things with additional rules?