Everything I needed to know...

[kippurbird]

Everything I learned about writing fantasy I learned from Robert Newcomb.


*The Hero must not know jack shit about how the real world works. Instead he must rely completely on his mentors to tell him things and never question what they tell him. This is so that the reader can learn about things as he does in massive info-dumps.

* However the Hero must be fully competent in all sorts of weapon usage and woodcraft and things like that. This way he can fight his way out of any battle and be magnificent while doing it.

*Parents are only there to cause angst for the hero. If they're loving and supportive they must die. If they're not then they're mean and abusive so that the hero must run away bemoaning his fate.

*There are only two kinds of women, Virgins and Whores. (Pregnant women are inconsequential because the Hero can't seduce or be seduced by them. They're icky.)

*The hero's true love can only be a virgin. If in fact he falls in love with a girl who is not the True Love, she will die horribly to cause the Hero angst.

*Every girl wants the Hero. There are no exceptions to the rule.

*The Hero can act or do whatever he wants, because it will be right. Logic doesn't have to play into this at all.

*Culture is over rated. Just having a pseudo-Medieval setting is more than enough world building.

* Evil is Evil. Good is Good. If someone is designated evil, then no matter what they do, it will be evil. If someone is designated good, then no matter what they do it will be good.

* The Hero is the only one who can save the world. If he doesn't it's DOOOOOMM!!

* The Hero is the only one who fits the Prophecy. There must be a prophecy. Preferably with things like Chosen One, Prophecy, Future of the World Depends on It, Ancient Evil and Dark Lords.

* There must be a slave that the Hero frees who will become instantly loyal to him. ^[*]

* The Hero is allowed to contradict himself in regards to what he knows. This is perfectly okay.

*Despite being uneducated and a product of his "world" the Hero can and will install modern day values to other people who will accept it unconditionally. If the Hero doesn't abide by these values, it's okay because he's the Hero.

* The Hero is always right.

*The Hero can do things that no one else can.

*Because it's magic is a perfectly legitimate excuse.

* Logic is only secondary to whatever you want to do.

*Characterization is over-rated. In fact it's not needed at all. Stereotypes are all you need.

* The Hero is more important than anyone. Any other events that happen in his vicinity that would be potentially more interesting should be ignored in favor of whatever he's doing.

* No matter how smart and cunning your villains are they automatically become stupid when confronted with the Hero.

* The climax doesn't have to be at all climatic or satisfying as long as the Hero looks good or does something impossible. Better if he does both.

^[*]

Actually, this one amuses me. I had previously stated in my essay on how to do my world "correctly" that my hero would have to free a slave who would then become instantly loyal to him. This was before Dwarf was introduced.

Comments

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Doesn't this remind you of the Elves in Eldest? You'd havs to replace the virgin/whore dicotomy with a racial one, though.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Hrm... I never thought of that one before.

[albijuli]

Culture is over rated. Just having a pseudo-Medieval setting is more than enough world building.

That one crops up WAY too often. It's like the default for most stories, the Middle-Ages Medieval setting.

...Speaking of, how well do you know your books? I just thought of a book I've read years ago. While it IS based in the Medieval setting (to be precise, when clocks were being invented), I thought it was pretty decent. I remember everything except the title and author... and the main character's name. D:

Whoa, tangent.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Speaking of, how well do you know your books?

I'm not sure what you mean.

[albijuli]

Me neither. nevermind. *weird*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[albijuli]

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOO!

[kunolacarai.livejournal.com]

A few more bullet points:
* Non-humans are either bad guys (Minions), or there to make the hero look good (Angels, gnomes).
* Villains should do "bad" things with no reason whatsoever, even if it would be meaningless or idiotic.
* It's perfectly acceptable to withhold vital information from your allies, if only to increase drama.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oh! Good ones!

[kunolacarai.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Does anyone else have any points to add?

[wariena.livejournal.com]

That... that's quite scary. o__o Imagine a re-writing of LoTR by these rules. Or, even worse, an Eragon rewrite?

[(Anonymous)]

That Eragon rewrite would be HORRIBLE, especially since it won't be that different from the original version. Like, at all.
More sex, maybe.
Which is never a bad thing.
...
I mean, wait, wait, I meant, SEX IN MODERATION, LA LA LA LA LA LA.

[wariena.livejournal.com]

That Eragon rewrite would be HORRIBLE, especially since it won't be that different from the original version.

Oh my god. You're RIGHT! *sobs*

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

More sex, maybe.
Which is never a bad thing.
...
I mean, wait, wait, I meant, SEX IN MODERATION, LA LA LA LA LA LA.

Perhaps we should suggest she reads something from Laura K. Hamilton's reading list next. Or would that be too cruel?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Perhaps we should suggest she reads something from Laura K. Hamilton's reading list next. Or would that be too cruel?

Actually that's next on my list. :D

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

For God's sake, don't do it! There's plenty of porn you can find for free on the Interwebs, and it's likely to be better written.

[indongcho.livejournal.com]

I suggest The Twilight Lord by Beatrice Small. It features a man with two cocks and a forked tongue having exhibitionist sex with his wife in order to prove the legitimacy of their children.

I have no idea how that proves their legitimacy. Obviously Small couldn't think of an actual justification for exhibitionist sex.

I'm going to buy the book one day just for the lulz XD

[(Anonymous)]

* The Hero is the only one who can save the world. If he doesn't it's DOOOOOMM!!

Nine people out of ten would prefer DOCTOR DOOM to the Hero.