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kippurbirdSo, let's see... if I'm a cleric fifth level... I get turn undead... I think... four times a day. Hrm... not bad.
No. I didn't just look that up in my Player's Handbook.
Okay, maybe I did. =D
I'm at +3 to hit stuff too!
Should be useful.
Hrmm... Triscuit. Darling Triscuit is fondling his knives. He's in a forest that doesn't sound like a forest. It was EVIL MANIFEST! "From all around him came the sounds of the nighttime forest, familiar yet also somehow foreign here in this place." Now, where's that chicken?
So, Triscuit. Knives. Fondling. He's remembering the smith that made the knives as he fondles them. And he's sad. But of his family? Of his mother? Nope, not a single though. He cuts himself on his knife and starts thinking about how it's all about the blood. Not about what you can do or your accomplishments but your blood. He's thinking Deep Thoughts this one. Eventually 42 will come out of his mouth. We finally get to the mention that he was raped. Would you like to see it?
So, cue explosive rage ......... now.
Not only is e NOT upset about what happened to him, he still A. Thinks of his rapist as that fantasy she used to trick him, b. it was only trying and not succeeding mostly likely because no one climaxed and c. he's more worried about what her real name and what daddy will be like than what happened to him. Also the fact that Daddy has photographic memory. Because that's FAR more interesting. This guy has all the emotional capability of a sponge -the fake kind you buy in the stores to scrub pots with. Maybe not even that... rust? Maybe rust?
In any case, since emotional development is way over-rated we get attacked by giant mutant humanoid frogs that are.
Wait for it.
Waaaait for it.
Waaaaaaaaait. No really. Wait for it.
Wait.
Come one. Keep waiting.
I know you can.
wait.
still waiting?
It's a good one.
"It seemed to be death incarnate."
Yes.
Triscuit stares at these... frogs with the headlights for eyes not attacking until after several more show up and one starts to give ... well... CPR to the gnome. There is a fight. Their "fluid" is deadly. And then the remaining frog thingy takes off like Tarzan using its spit for a vine.
They're called Berserkers and they used to be the gnome hunters but twisted by magic somehow... and they need to eat the gnomes... alive for food. Because apparently, the wizards were trying to protect the gnomes when the beserkers were created. "We thought we were doing the right thing... .we knew we had perfected the incantation for the protection of the gnomes, and we were fairly certain that the transformation would kill the gnome hunters." Because, you know, going over and KILLING someone isn't actually going to stop them you have to do something that MIGHT kill them. Notice the MIGHT there. They weren't CERTAIN it would kill them. Just that it MIGHT! Instead of you know... actually rounding them up and um... killing them.
Earwig is devastated to learn about this and swears to make this right. Nice of him to clean up his mistakes.
Blah, blah, blah, they travel. They see a waterfall. Triscuit gets horny. His endowed blood tells him that's where they have to go. I'm really getting sick of this "SOMEHOW his blood knew" shit. It's gotten really old and stale and there has to be a different way like there's a sign in the road or by the look Shanon gave the waterfall in the distance Tristan knew that's where they had to go. Especially since as soon as they see the falls Shannon gets all excited about seeing his Master jumping up and down like a puppy.
Oh... and then they all see those magical butterflies again. Which the wizards also tried to protect. They're not doing a good job of this. I think people would have been better off if they stopped trying to protect things.
They get to the waterfall and walk behind it. They're in a tunnel with glowing green stones. They're called "radiance stones". I'm starting to think that Newcomb has Leonard de Qurim's problem with naming things. They walk through the cavern and Triscuit sees DEAD PEOPLE. They're all the bad people who tried to get to the mystical magical wizard's kingdom on the other side of the falls.
And we finally get to see what a Chosen One thinks like.
Yes. Asking logical questions is something that a Chosen One needs to be able to do. Normal people don't need to think! Just the Chosen Ones! Everyone else just has to have sex! Gee! I would have NEVER have thought to ask that! NEVER! GOSH And GEE GOLLY I'm Sure gee golly glad the Chosen One is here to think for me! Golly Gee.
Shoot me. I never want to have to say that again!
Trisicut continues to brilliantly perform in his role of Captain Stupid as he is astonished to see Earwig magically move the bones. "This can't be happening. They have all been dead for hundreds of years." Hello. Magic! Wizard! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! You've just seen Earwig do some sort of magical gesture after saying he's going to do something about the bones? and THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING?! Giant gnome eating Frog things! Magical Sparkly butterflies! Bloody water that makes you horny! Harpies! Bloodstalkers! MAGIC OKAY! MAGIC! MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC!!
MAGIC! FOR FUCK'S SAKE ALREADY TRISCUIT IT'S MAGIC!!!!!11!!
*fumes*
There's a Pull the Lever!
And they're out into gnome land! Where they all live in tree houses like elves. And they talk to the magical gnomes and go skippy skip across the magical tree town called Tree Town to where they step into a tree and VANISH.
WWHEEEEE....
No. I didn't just look that up in my Player's Handbook.
Okay, maybe I did. =D
I'm at +3 to hit stuff too!
Should be useful.
Hrmm... Triscuit. Darling Triscuit is fondling his knives. He's in a forest that doesn't sound like a forest. It was EVIL MANIFEST! "From all around him came the sounds of the nighttime forest, familiar yet also somehow foreign here in this place." Now, where's that chicken?
So, Triscuit. Knives. Fondling. He's remembering the smith that made the knives as he fondles them. And he's sad. But of his family? Of his mother? Nope, not a single though. He cuts himself on his knife and starts thinking about how it's all about the blood. Not about what you can do or your accomplishments but your blood. He's thinking Deep Thoughts this one. Eventually 42 will come out of his mouth. We finally get to the mention that he was raped. Would you like to see it?
He thought of Natasha, the one he also knew as Lillith, and how she had tried to first rape, then to kill him. What, I wonder, was her real name, the one Faegan gave to her at birth?
So, cue explosive rage ......... now.
Not only is e NOT upset about what happened to him, he still A. Thinks of his rapist as that fantasy she used to trick him, b. it was only trying and not succeeding mostly likely because no one climaxed and c. he's more worried about what her real name and what daddy will be like than what happened to him. Also the fact that Daddy has photographic memory. Because that's FAR more interesting. This guy has all the emotional capability of a sponge -the fake kind you buy in the stores to scrub pots with. Maybe not even that... rust? Maybe rust?
In any case, since emotional development is way over-rated we get attacked by giant mutant humanoid frogs that are.
Wait for it.
Waaaait for it.
Waaaaaaaaait. No really. Wait for it.
Wait.
Come one. Keep waiting.
I know you can.
wait.
still waiting?
It's a good one.
"It seemed to be death incarnate."
Yes.
It dropped soundlessly the rest of the way to the forest floor, landing warily in a crouch and casting the light from its eyes about the clearing. Even more of the bright green fluid began to run from its mouth as it looked over at the sleeping wizard and the gnome. Standing there in the glow from the campfire, bathing both of Tristan's defenseless friends in the eerie glow of its vision, it menacingly held its hands and arms slightly away from its sides as it crouched upon the grass.
It seemed to be death incarnate.
Triscuit stares at these... frogs with the headlights for eyes not attacking until after several more show up and one starts to give ... well... CPR to the gnome. There is a fight. Their "fluid" is deadly. And then the remaining frog thingy takes off like Tarzan using its spit for a vine.
They're called Berserkers and they used to be the gnome hunters but twisted by magic somehow... and they need to eat the gnomes... alive for food. Because apparently, the wizards were trying to protect the gnomes when the beserkers were created. "We thought we were doing the right thing... .we knew we had perfected the incantation for the protection of the gnomes, and we were fairly certain that the transformation would kill the gnome hunters." Because, you know, going over and KILLING someone isn't actually going to stop them you have to do something that MIGHT kill them. Notice the MIGHT there. They weren't CERTAIN it would kill them. Just that it MIGHT! Instead of you know... actually rounding them up and um... killing them.
Earwig is devastated to learn about this and swears to make this right. Nice of him to clean up his mistakes.
Blah, blah, blah, they travel. They see a waterfall. Triscuit gets horny. His endowed blood tells him that's where they have to go. I'm really getting sick of this "SOMEHOW his blood knew" shit. It's gotten really old and stale and there has to be a different way like there's a sign in the road or by the look Shanon gave the waterfall in the distance Tristan knew that's where they had to go. Especially since as soon as they see the falls Shannon gets all excited about seeing his Master jumping up and down like a puppy.
Oh... and then they all see those magical butterflies again. Which the wizards also tried to protect. They're not doing a good job of this. I think people would have been better off if they stopped trying to protect things.
They get to the waterfall and walk behind it. They're in a tunnel with glowing green stones. They're called "radiance stones". I'm starting to think that Newcomb has Leonard de Qurim's problem with naming things. They walk through the cavern and Triscuit sees DEAD PEOPLE. They're all the bad people who tried to get to the mystical magical wizard's kingdom on the other side of the falls.
And we finally get to see what a Chosen One thinks like.
"When the wrong person enters the tunnel, it immediately begins to fill with water from the falls. At such a fast rate, I might add, that escape is impossible," Wigg explained. "We thought it rather a good idea at the time, since these falls had been known here for centuries, and have never run dry."
"How did they even get this far?" Tristan asked
"What do you mean?"
"How did they get across the canyon to reach this far?"
Wigg smiled. He is beginning to think like the Chosen One.
Yes. Asking logical questions is something that a Chosen One needs to be able to do. Normal people don't need to think! Just the Chosen Ones! Everyone else just has to have sex! Gee! I would have NEVER have thought to ask that! NEVER! GOSH And GEE GOLLY I'm Sure gee golly glad the Chosen One is here to think for me! Golly Gee.
Shoot me. I never want to have to say that again!
Trisicut continues to brilliantly perform in his role of Captain Stupid as he is astonished to see Earwig magically move the bones. "This can't be happening. They have all been dead for hundreds of years." Hello. Magic! Wizard! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! You've just seen Earwig do some sort of magical gesture after saying he's going to do something about the bones? and THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING?! Giant gnome eating Frog things! Magical Sparkly butterflies! Bloody water that makes you horny! Harpies! Bloodstalkers! MAGIC OKAY! MAGIC! MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC!!
*fumes*
There's a Pull the Lever!
And they're out into gnome land! Where they all live in tree houses like elves. And they talk to the magical gnomes and go skippy skip across the magical tree town called Tree Town to where they step into a tree and VANISH.
WWHEEEEE....
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 02:01 pm (UTC)Triscuit bad...
Then again perhaps these are the gnomes in question heck... I'm starting to think he's been inspired by that ad.
No wait that'd be awesome, in a twisted way.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 02:54 pm (UTC)Pshaw! Newcomb, I know what Death Incarnate looks like, and that frog thing is not her.
Actually, she's a rather nice young woman when you get to know her. Skin's a bit too pale for comfort, but besides that she's lovely.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 03:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 03:37 pm (UTC)Rotting Jackel Demons : Death Incarnate
That sounds lovely. I love to think of my former witches and wizards as that.
Thank you, famous authors! You are truly better at this than I!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 03:46 am (UTC)Ironically, he'd probably still be of more use there. Pretty flowers, and all that.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 03:57 pm (UTC)Should I be happy that Newcomb finally uses logic, or terrified that he treats it as a precious and limited resource?
Nevermind, I just remembered that Triscuit is supposed to be thirty years old living in a magical kingdom as its highest governmental official with a wizard as one of his friends.
HOW IS HE THIS IGNORANT!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 10:26 pm (UTC)*mindbreak*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:23 am (UTC)HOW IS HE THIS IGNORANT!
Um... well, first of all, I think Triscuit was originally supposed to be about nineteen. Second of all, I'm not sure if the Wizards actually ever did any magic. Third, how else are we the readers supposed to be amazed at the wonders of magic if Triscuit isn't?
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 01:12 am (UTC)Triscuit acts like he's 13 or 14.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 02:01 am (UTC)He's also spent those twenty years learning fighting and scholarly stuff, so he's smart and competent sometimes. Other times, he gets overwhelmed.
Triscuit confuses him more than anything else.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 03:52 am (UTC)2) But why are they called wizards if they don't do magic?
Oh wait...they probably call themselves that.
3) Silly, Newcomb originally put the phrase "plot device", and just went back and replaced it with "magic". You'll be reading along, and see the phrase "plot device", and be like "Huh. last_servant was right after all." And feel an inexplicable drop in my faith in humanity.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 07:05 pm (UTC)Seconded. At this rate, The Shadow will be out of a job.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:27 am (UTC)Tristan's Blood KNOWS!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 07:17 pm (UTC)Deciphering here: "HELP HELP I'M BEING FORCED TO CIRCULATE IN A MORON"
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 01:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 10:00 pm (UTC)I think Newcomb's wizards must be the opposite of D&D wizards: the stupider they are, the more powerful they are. This, of course, would be why Triscut is the Chosen One. Even by wizard standards, he's a total moron, and therefor, the most powerful wizard, ever.
Mind you, if there were any sane people in Newcomb-land, they would have rounded up all of the magic users as dangers to humanity.
Evil humanoid frogs? O.o Where's Bucky O'Hare?*
*You'll have to wiki it. I can't figure out how to insert a link.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-22 11:55 pm (UTC)Hypnotoad?
"How did they get across the canyon to reach this far?"
I'm sorry, did you, did you fly across the canyon? Did you conjure up a hippogryph to take you over the crevasse? Did you, perhaps, use your awesome magical abilities to teleport from one side of the bridge to the other?
NO!
You knocked the gorram gnome on the head and walked across! It's not rocket wizardry, Triscuit!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 12:31 am (UTC)NO!
You knocked the gorram gnome on the head and walked across! It's not rocket wizardry, Triscuit!
Ah... sorry that one's my bad. Triscuit was referring to people besides them, and the answer was it was before the bridge and canyon existed.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-25 05:11 am (UTC)Which, in fact, means it's spot-on for him.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-23 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-25 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-25 12:31 pm (UTC)Everyone knows that Death Incarnate is a notebook.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 01:13 am (UTC)