GNOMES!

[kippurbird]

Strange but true. My dad eats mustard raw. I mean without putting it on anything. He does that with BBQ sauce too.

My brother and I are not allowed to do it though.

Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent from who knows where, we're back with Triscuit and Earwig. Earwig is trying to get Triscuit to see the thing that isn't really invisible, but Triscuit can't see. Even thought it's not really invisible. How does that work again? It seems that the way to see is to relax your eyes or something like those Magic Eye thingies. I always liked them. I was good at them. Easy for me to do. I had one in my room of dinosaurs. Those were cool. They should bring them back. Those and Hypercolor T-shirts. Ahh... the late eighties and early nineties such nifty things.

Whoops. Sorry digressing.

Triscuit is still upset about the whole Lillith not being his true love thing. Not the fact that he had been raped mind you, but the fact that she wasn't real. I'm starting to think that Triscuit probably assumes that every women wants to jump him, so it doesn't matter who or what they are or how they do it, it's just how women are. Birds fly and women want to have sex with him. Egotistical bastard.

Earwig keeps on telling him, "heed your blood, not your eyes... don't fight to see the image, but let it simply come to you, instead. Look for it with your heart. And listen to your blood."

Totally Magic Eye shit going on here. Total.

Some boring shit and then Earwig makes him close his eyes and then for some reason when he opens them he can see the canyon. "And he could feel the presence of the endowed blood in his veins with new vigor, almost as if for the first time." Um... that's not a good thing, being able to feel your own blood. High blood pressure maybe?

We finally see a gnome! They're red necks.

He was only about as high as the prince's waist, perhaps even somewhat shorter, but other wise he seemed mostly human. He had red hair shot through with gray, and a scruffy, identically colored beard covered his face. The dark, beady eyes sat above a rather large, turned-up nose. He wore blue bibs over a bright red shirt, scruffy knee boots with upturned ends, and a strange lopsided black cap that dangled down to one side.

From seemingly nowhere the gnome produced a chair and an oversized jug of ale. He sat in the chair and took a long draught of the ale, and then proceeded to light the corncob pipe that Triscuit now noticed sticking out from between his teeth.

Garden gnome red necks.

Just dwell on that for a while.

Also the gnome is named "Shannon the Small"

Is this like the Mac Nac Feegles naming conventions? Is there a Shannon the Medium? Shannon the Large? Shannon the not as Large as Shannon the Large but Larger than Shannon the Medium? I mean really, who actually calls them self "Small" if you belong to a race of short people? This is like those guys who wrote the Tomes where they called themselves "The Ones Who Came Before".

Oh! And there's a Time Discrepancy. In the beginning of the chapter we're told it had been several weeks since the Natasha incident, but then we're told that it's only been a few days. Now, as I'm fairly certain they haven't been to Fairy Land, this time discrepancy is what we call "Bad Editing" and "Lazy Writing". Can you say that? I'm sure you can.

Triscuit doesn't see why they need permission from a "unendowed" gnome to cross a damn bridge (as opposed to what? An endowed gnome? Perhaps that's why he's Shannon the Small. He's not endowed.) so he starts to cross it with out permission. Shannon bites him in the leg.

This is how the gnomes protect the entrance to the valley that isn't invisible. They bite people in the leg like dogs. Surely if the gnomes are intelligent (they wear clothes and everything) they would have a better way of protecting the bridge than by biting people. I mean, if you want a guardian that bites people, get a magical dog or something. Not a gnome that Triscuit easily defeats by knocking out. To get the gnome's permission to cross the bridge (if they don't give it Faegan will know they're here and can go into hiding) Triscuit dangles him over the bridge and forces him to give them permission to cross.

When Shannon asks Triscuit if the Prince would really have killed him, Triscuit says it depends, but in his heart he knew he could have never killed one so small. Because size really matters when it comes to things being deadly or not. As they're getting ready to leave Shannon APOLOGIZES for biting Triscuit in the leg, saying that he didn't know what else to do. He's APOLOGIZING for doing his job. Yes. He's the guardian of the bridge and he's APOLOGIZING for guarding the bridge.

Think about that one for a while.

Have you picked up your brains from the floor? Mopped up everything? Shannon wants to come with Triscuit and Earwig to take them to Faegan. Who I would refer to as Fagot, but that's just in bad taste. Right. So they let him come with. As they ride they discover a massacre of gnomes. Lots of dead gnomes all over the place. Shannon wished to by pass it, but Triscuit ignored him. Then they don't get why Shannon doesn't want to talk about it.

I feel stupider now.

Comments

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

I am very upset that the gnome is named Shannon. That's my character's name, thank you! D:

Also, a thought left over from your last post: I've changed my mind. I don't like the Evil Lesbian Sorceresses anymore. They're too stupid to like. Sad, but true. :(

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Also, a thought left over from your last post: I've changed my mind. I don't like the Evil Lesbian Sorceresses anymore. They're too stupid to like. Sad, but true.

They're all too stupid to like. Really. I'm surprised they actually manage to do anything.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

When Shannon asks Triscuit if the Prince would really have killed him, Triscuit says it depends, but in his heart he knew he could have never killed one so small. Because size really matters when it comes to things being deadly or not. As they're getting ready to leave Shannon APOLOGIZES for biting Triscuit in the leg, saying that he didn't know what else to do. He's APOLOGIZING for doing his job. Yes. He's the guardian of the bridge and he's APOLOGIZING for guarding the bridge.

... Total Stu. >_<;

Then again, maybe he's drunk and if he weren't drunk, he would have used a sword so they could have a proper battle.

The gnomes from Harry Potter made more sense.

Btw, what the fuck killed all those gnomes? Were they fresh dead bodies? I guess no one else buries or burns the dead.

How does my disappointment continue to grow? I'm not sure a worse fantasy novel exists. :I

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Then again, maybe he's drunk and if he weren't drunk, he would have used a sword so they could have a proper battle.


Shannon did not have a sword. Just a corn cob pip and a jug of ale.

Btw, what the fuck killed all those gnomes? Were they fresh dead bodies? I guess no one else buries or burns the dead.

Dunno and Shannon's not talking.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Shannon did not have a sword. Just a corn cob pip and a jug of ale.

Well, he really had no other weapon than fists or teeth... I'd wager fists would've been a better choice though biting does give a bit of a surprise. ;P

Dunno and Shannon's not talking.

I imagine he's not talking because the author doesn't know and never thought it would be important to know. Or he assumes we'll assume it was humans who killed them. ;P

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Forgot to add, Magic Eye still exists in book format at least. I am sad though... I recently thought of using the Magic Eye technique, relaxing the eyes, as a means of seeing magic. Sort of looking for the aura, as a means of determining the spell and its effects once it has been placed. I dunno, it was an idea I was playing around with but now I'm pissed off because Newcomb used it. I mean, how good of a story idea can it be if he used it? ;P

[(Anonymous)]

Even horrible authors find an idea with potential once in a while. They just use it badly.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes. But I miss when they were all the rage.

I recently thought of using the Magic Eye technique, relaxing the eyes, as a means of seeing magic. Sort of looking for the aura, as a means of determining the spell and its effects once it has been placed.

Actually, I think it's kinda a neat idea. Go for it! =D

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think it's kinda a neat idea. Go for it! =D

Excellent. Except... how to explain why that works, really? 'Cause if it was visible unfocused, shouldn't something be sorta visible when in focus? Hrmm. :I

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

It gets worse, much, much worse.

Much worse.

Thought I should tell you.

Maybe you should read a GOOD fantasy novel, one written by a Real Author, who deals with Weighty Matters. Such as Touched by Venom? See boys and girls there's a sample chapter for you to read! :)

[indescane.livejournal.com]

There's serious business, there's SRS BIZNESS, and there's 'I think my logic just went technicolour from the indignation I'm supposed to be feeling'; and that book is the third kind.

You're not a good person. I'm going to have to declare my everlasting hate against you now. :(

I think I need a 'venom cock' icon. A lot.

Also, how much worse does Newcomb's writing get? Just as a rough estimate? On a scale of the number of meteors hitting Earth?

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

How many meteor impacts? Oh just one so you can relax :-D

And I am so a good person! Would a bad person buy Kippur a copy of Keeper Martin's Tale? 0>:-) (Dang horns keep snagging the fake halo). In my defence I was suffering from insomnia, and my powers of reason had been seriously, seriously suppressed.

But that was before I'd seen "Touched by Venom" which is so much better because, you know, it was published by an actual publisher and not just a vanity press. See Kippur! You can get it from the library! Because you know... there's themes, and female circumcision, and rape, and oral sex with dragons, and women being flogged with poisoned whips. It's kind of like Newcomb or Goodkind, only with more sex and feminism.

[indescane.livejournal.com]

Oh, just one. That's fine, then. Fine and dandy. At least that one will kill us all before we finish the book. :D

Insomnia is no excuse for passing someone a bad literature infection. But now I kind of want to know if you were more or less awake when you bought Keeper Martin's Tale than when you recommended Newcomb to Kippur.

Speaking of which...what is the matter with Keeper Martin's Tale? Is it another Newcombian horror? I read the blurb, but it sounds cliche rather than terrible.

I think Touched by Venom should get nominated for a Nobel Prize! For peace. Because after reading it, everyone's eyes exploded in a shower of blood. And nobody could do anything due to being blind.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Let me put it this way... Try to read the sample chapter offered, oh do try! Yeeeeees, you must reads the sample chapters, we insists!

Honestly though notice how there's only positive reviews? Despite 250-300 total reviews? Funny that, it's almost as if someone's been harassing Amazon into removing negative reviews.

However I don't think that anything published by a Vanity Press is really worth getting excited about.

[indescane.livejournal.com]

All right. I tried. My eyes stopped after 'the'. The illustrations, though, were terrible.

I noticed that. And my first treacherous, terrible thought was:
Maybe it's an okay book.
I'm sorry. I truly am. I'll go beat myself up with a whip as penance. I should know better.

[lccorp2.livejournal.com]

Stop it. You're making me despair of ever getting Nightbane published. :(

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Does Nightbane have Venom Cock (which is the erections the young would be dragonmasters have as they're about to be flogged with poisoned whips)?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You keep on telling me this. I believe you already.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry :( I just love ripping bad stories :-/

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Wh-what? O.o Does anything in this book make sense? Why are there dead gnomes? Why wasn't there a better method of bridge guarding? Why is Triscuit supposed to be a hero? Why did he have to make the gnomes even more brain-breaking by throwing in that bit about gnome rape earlier? Now we've got people having raped red neck gnomes, which is so completely not an improvement. Now I have Deliverance...with gnomes...only with the who rapes whom reversed...in my mind. Agh!

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

And I'm fairly sure that's exactly what you're supposed to be thinking of too! Can you hear a banjo? I think I can hear a banjo!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Does anything in this book make sense?

No.

Why are there dead gnomes?

Dunno.

Why wasn't there a better method of bridge guarding?

Because otherwise we wouldn't have been able to see Triscuit do something "clever".

Why is Triscuit supposed to be a hero?

Because Newcomb said so.

Why did he have to make the gnomes even more brain-breaking by throwing in that bit about gnome rape earlier?

Because he hates you.

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

O_o

*brain explodes*

Okay, I'm really bored now. And bitter. At least Eragon offered some laughs; this book just...Gah. I feel like I'm losing braincells. DX If I'd read this without your sporkings, I surely would have thrown myself off the nearest bridge by now.

[x-trickster-x.livejournal.com]

Not if Shannon has anything to say about it! He'll bite your legs!

[(Anonymous)]

Triscuit is still upset about the whole Lillith not being his true love thing. Not the fact that he had been raped mind you, but the fact that she wasn't real.

Oh, Kippur, don't be so silly. Everyone knows that a women cannot possibly rape a man! It would simply be impossible for a man to be taken advange of by a woman half his size. Triscuit was in controll the whole time, and Natasha, being the silly evil witch that she is, didn't know this. He was just letting her have her fun.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Right. Right. Sorry. My bad.

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

It's so bad, I've stopped recieving enjoyment from these sporks. It's nothing personal, Kippur, you are very funny; this book is just that bad.

Blah.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. *pets* Perhaps the next book will be more to your liking.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Incidentally I've never been able to get any magic eye kind of illusions to work for me. I don't know why, but I thought I'd mention it.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

I had a hard time getting them to work for years (I still am not sure I got it right. I haven't tested my attempts in awhile but I understand the method.) It helps if the magic eye picture has a pane of glass over it. Try to stare at it until you're staring at nothing in particular. It helps if you're bored and tired and absolutely unconcerned about it, I think. :D