Robert Newcomb: You Are A Fucking Moron.

[kippurbird]

Has anyone seen YAAFM? They're hilarious. Newcomb deserves to be on one.

*happy fantasies*




Strangely Chapter Ten is only seven pages long. I'm not really sure why. I can't even fathom as to why that is. This book is so erratic. Not that I'm saying anything new here.

God Eutracia sucks ass as a nation. They can't even mount a resistance to these invaders and their supposed protectors the wizards are off on some wild goose chases instead of ... you know... protecting the people they're supposed to protect. The king, his wife and the six wizards' heads are decorating the masts of eight of the ships that the Evil Sorceress brought over. Which is kinda dumb. Because none of the people on land can see them and thus lose hope because their leaders have fallen. Which is, at least I think it is, the entire point of having someone's head on a pike.

Obviously, I was wrong.

I've learned that I've been wrong on so many accounts on what I need to do to write a best selling novel. Get rid of the moral gray areas, get a Chosen One, have lots of Sex, get rid of my coherent magical system and just invent shit as I go along... I have become ENLIGHTENED! Newcomb has shown me the way! No longer will I need to plod through things like plot and character! I just have to write bad sex and stupid people and I'll become a best new author of the year.

I repent my ways and knowledge that I earned in college and will only take the lessons I learned from fan fiction and hack writers.

Forgive me Newcomb. I have strayed but now I have been found! I have been saved from my evil writing ways!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank You!

*coughs*

Moving on. Heads are on the ship masts... and they're worried about vultures getting to them. But vultures aren't really ocean birds, preferring to scavenge inland. Sea gulls I would understand, I mean look at the ones from Finding Nemo they're down right scavengers too. But vultures sound better. Or... something.

Eutracia is burning! BURNING FIRE MWAYAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is only a good thing in my opinion.

And then we learn this:

Succiu knew that there would be funeral pyres of the Minions, and that the ceremonial burning of their fallen members would easily go on into the next day. It was their custom and their right, and the practice dictated that no dead Minion warrior should ever be left behind to be desecrated by the enemy

What is wrong with this? Well, the Minions have never been in battle before. Never been in war. They were especially bred to fight the wizards and there had never been any sort of resistance on their side of things. There was no practice to be dictated because it's never happened before. They've never fought any enemies. Also why is it ceremonial? That sort of indicates that there's some sort of ritual behind it. Which comes from some sort of belief system. Why does it matter if the bodies are desecrated unless there's some sort of religious belief of something bad happening to the bodies. At least, that's what I think. I could be totally wrong on this though.

Talk about how they have to kill Earwig and Triscuit. Also talk about the purity of the blood, but they never say what exactly that means. It's Just There to make the Chosen Ones Special. For some reason.

They go and visit Sister. They have her in a nice room and Sister is understandably traumatized. So they're going to brainwash her into being EVIL.

Oh and apparently the Coven worships the Pentangle... for some reason not mentioned... so they're big on Geometry? I dunno.

And that's chapter ten.

And we're back with Triscuit and Earwig.

They're at the royal cemetery and Triscuit is being emo over the graves of... someone. Earwig flashes back to when they were leaving Hogwarts. They found lots of dead people. And more dead people. And even more dead people. And then for a change of pace, dead people. In the Throne room Sludge was apparently stupid enough to leave his own sword so Triscuit could pick it up and later have dramatic irony when he kills the Minion with it.

There's a lot of terrible POV shifts in this novel. We start off in Earwig's POV and then shift into Triscuit's POV for a Dire Proclamation (#8) and then we go back into Earwig's POV. They get some money and Triscuit gets some more of his tiny phallic objects. And they go off to find transportation.

Triscuit cares more about his horse than his people.

No. Really.

Tristan held his breath for what seemed the entire way to the royal stables. Besides Wigg and Shailiha, there was only one other living being in the world that he loved whom he hoped had not been killed.

Pilgrim.

There you have it. He cares more about his dorse than his people, whom he wants to be a Commoners King to. This is just the guy I want to have ruling me. A man who really cares.

For some reason the Minions also took to slaughtering the animals. I can't really think of a reason why... but they did.

Oh wait, it's to cause Triscuit angst. Will Pilgrim have survived this horrible slaughter?! I'm so worried! I hope he has because otherwise Triscuit will cry another single tear!

Pilgrim is all right. Remember that trick of coming when whistled to? This is how Triscuit discovers him again.

They saddle up and go into the city where they find more dead people for a change. And living. Some of the living are going around calling Triscuit a traitorous prince for killing Daddy. He should have thought about that. It's really going to ruin his image.

No. Wait. It's not.

Triscuit sees all the survivors and is all "We have to help them!" and Earwig is "No we can't." So, instead of helping their people and trying to rally them into a resistance or a group that could take care of themselves instead of running riot... they're just leaving them. Because the Chosen One must survive. But what's the point if... there's no one left to save with the Chosen One?

Despite the urgency of ... stuff... they stop long enough to bury the bodies of the king and queen and other wizards which are on pikes and naked. Which is stupid because how are you supposed to tell one dead naked headless person from another? How are the people supposed to know those are the king and queen? Do they frequently see their king and queen naked? Is this some sort of odd ritual that they have just in case they're beheaded and strung upside down naked? Or maybe they have some sort of tattoo... like the wizards have so that they can be recognized by other people.

The bodies, are of course, a trap. There's a Gargoyle like thing there. And it monologues.

"I am a wiktor," it said venomously, yet somehow also casually. The creature's speech was perfect, almost eloquent, belying the horrific nature of its appearance. It pointed one of its talons at the prince. "And you shall not find me such easy prey as those ignorant blood stalkers or screaming harpies. I take great pleasure in what I do...And in the midst of it ramblings Tristan sprung upon it and sliced off its head before it could finish its speech. What?, and I am an expert craftsman. I am one of those whom the mistresses call upon when the task is to be very specific, and you must have great importance to them for one such as I to have been called forth and brought here to a foreign land."

Triscuit allows him to finish this speech and start circling him before saying, "And just what is it you intend to do? Talk me to death?"

WHY HASN'T HE ATTACKED YET?! He has PLENTY of opportunity to do so! Plenty! And now he's given the enemy the advantage. Why did he listen to it? There was no reason to listen to it. He should have just gone ARRGHHA TRISTAN SMASH!! But then we couldn't have found out what a special creature it was with yet another infodump.

Triscuit kills it. There's some stuff about him being all clever and letting Fredrick be his guide... but he kills it and that's that.

They then cut the bodies down, bury them and Triscuit says the oath of succession which he never wanted to take and has become King in Earwig's eyes.

Comments

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Wow. Everybody in this is stupid. (I had mild hope for the villains, considering that they've actually accomplished something. Or so I thought.) If there's no resistance, and there doesn't appear to be, why haven't the sorceresses and the minions taken over? I mean, if they've got the time to burn the bodies of their dead for several days, they should be able to finish conquering...shouldn't they? The rulers are dead, the wizards are morons, Triscuit only cares about his dorse. There's nothing standing in their way. But, instead, they're just happy to have Sister? What?

Hell, given Triscuit and Earwig's attitude toward the general populous, maybe they'd be happy to have the sorceresses in charge. Even if they do monologue. And have monsters that monologue. Monsters...that monologue. Okay, new rule: monsters should never monologue. Except, perhaps, in parodies. Which this, sadly, is not

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Frankenstein's monster, in the original novel, frequently monologued.

Of course, he was also a far more sympathetic villain than most other monsters.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

They weren't sent there to conquer. Just retrieve the stone, the sister and the chalice. And burn the place to the ground apparently.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

But...why? Did they go to the same planning school as the "heroes"? Even if conquering wasn't the original goal, once they discovered that nothing would stand in their way, why not take over? Unless there's nothing to be gained from the land...or they're afraid of catching the stupidity. Which would be a valid reason not to conquer, now that I think about it.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

ARRGHHA TRISTAN SMASH!!

I seriously hope this happens sometime. But I bet it won't.

Also, I've decided that I'm rooting for the Evil Lesbian Sorceresses. Sure, they're pretty stupid, and inexplicably horny (just like everyone else), but...well, truthfully, they're more interesting than Triscuit. Not much more interesting, mind you, but just a wee bit more. It's a sad day when a story about about Man conquering and dominating woman Good versus Evil makes you want Evil to win.

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Oh there have been a few (don't you remember "Eragon", for one?). Although yes, it is pretty sad to think that I am starting to agree that this story is so much worse than "Eragon".

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'm rooting for the Dorse.

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

I hope it sits on Triscuit.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Succiu knew that there would be funeral pyres of the Minions, and that the ceremonial burning of their fallen members would easily go on into the next day. It was their custom and their right, and the practice dictated that no dead Minion warrior should ever be left behind to be desecrated by the enemy


HAAAAAHAAAAHAAA THE _MINIONS_ THE F***ING MINDLESS GENERIC _MINIONS_ HAVE MORE CULTURE THAN THE GOOD GUYS

Will comment more later.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Maybe the Minions will rise up and take over. I'm beginning to think they have the most promise.

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

Well, obviously they're going to have to bring the grievances to their boss one of these days.

"Item One: Though the term 'Minion' is in fact traditional, the implication of failure and strong potential of ending up on the tip of the Hero's sword or being trapped inside the collapsing Tower of Evil during the narrative climax we find to be disheartening. Therefore we propose changing our name to "Union of Lakceys, Lab Assistants, and Hench-Persons, Local 278"

[carolpent.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It's a very, very sad thing that, isn't it?

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Someone needs to write a book about Minions overthrowing their cultureless oppressors. :D And then, with their Minion skills, they'll conquer all the lands for THEMSELVES, and only collapse when there are no more lands to conquer. Hell, who are we kidding? This is FANTASY! There are ALWAYS more lands to conquer! :DDDDD

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

What is wrong with this? Well, the Minions have never been in battle before. Never been in war. They were especially bred to fight the wizards and there had never been any sort of resistance on their side of things. There was no practice to be dictated because it's never happened before. They've never fought any enemies.

They've fought hypothetical enemies! And let me tell you those hypotheticals can be deadly! When you're out on a hypothetical plain, and they come after you with hypothetical disembowelling knives, and the grognards are howling at you for neglecting some point about disembowelling knife manufacture... why then you might also worry about what would become of your body! Better cremate your thesis before your enemies can get at it and defile it!

As for Wiktor...

"I am a wiktor," it said venomously, yet somehow also casually.

That is ... this is that legendary bad writing isn't it?

Let me just say that Wiktor is very, very annoying, and I don't see any point to him at all.

And now he's a King in Wiggs eyes? Yes of course...

Hey here's a thought: The King was going to become a Wizard, and this grievously offended the wizards. So when they got word that the sorceresses were coming they decided to take over once and for all; kill the king and his courtiers, basically rid themselves of anyone with the brains to figure out what they did, and the status to do something about it.

However they'd keep Tristan around as a figurehead, because he was too shallow and stupid to understand what had really happened. They're a tad worried though; they can't quite make themselves think that Tristan is that stupid, so they've invented this quest to make him think of something else while they cover things up.

[indescane.livejournal.com]

Wiktor.

I just imagine that as some little stone creature resembling a marshmallow peep, speaking in an annoying baby-voice: "I am a wiktow! I take gweat pweasuwe in what I do!"

Hurrah! I'm beginning to develop systems to protect myself from the stupid of this book!

[faded-enmity.livejournal.com]

Well, that certainly would look disturbing. Horrific, maybe not, but definitely disturbing. o_o

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

No longer will I need to plod through things like plot and character! I just have to write bad sex and stupid people and I'll become a best new author of the year.

Laurell K. Hamilton, is that you?

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

No, the key word is "new". LKH is as worn out as Anita's Crotch of D00m.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

True. But LKH can certainly be a great role model for Horrible Authors.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

*snerk* I had a dream where Anita actually answered to "DOOMCROTCH OF SAINT LOUIS!". It went like this:

Character I was acting as: *knocks on door*
Anita: *opens it, wearing her comic book Guilty Pleasures outfit*
CIWAA: Anita Blake? *says something more*
Anita: *shrugs and goes back inside*
CIWAA: DOOMCROTCH OF SAINT LOUIS!
Anita: *turns around*
CIWAA: WHAT?! You actually ANSWERED to that?! O_o
...And then there was some more crazy stuff, but I found that part hilarious...

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Because none of the people on land can see them and thus lose hope because their leaders have fallen. Which is, at least I think it is, the entire point of having someone's head on a pike. Well, in a more "normal" world, one might suggest that it could also be a religious thing, showing the gods their accomplishments or something. But, we've already seen that they apparently don't have religion, so ... yeah. Totally illogical.

But vultures aren't really ocean birds, preferring to scavenge inland. Sea gulls I would understand Or condors. But, yeah, vultures aren't seabirds.

For some reason the Minions also took to slaughtering the animals. I can't really think of a reason why... but they did. Actually, that makes perfect sense. The animals are crucial labor and food sources. If you want to inflict maximum suffering on a people, you destroy everything that supports them. Their homes, their crops, their animals.

[russetstar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but wouldn't it make more sense for the minions to take at least a few of the animals with them, so that they, ya know, actually have something to eat? I guess they could go hunting or something... but wouldn't it be more practical too take some domestic animals wtih them?

And on a completely unrelated topic, I've got to say that I agree with everyone who's saying that this is worse then Eragon. At least in Eragon, there's actually a plot, however stupid. And at least with Eragon, you can tell that Paolini really enjoys writing, even though he sucks at it. This Newcomb, though is just...creepy. I mean really, really creepy. O__o


Love the sporks, by the way Kippur.(:

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Well, if they came by ship, it's possible that they simply don't have enough room on board for animals.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

I'm willing to let that one slide since many real world armies (Mongols etc) used such tactics.