Jello... blobs...?

[kippurbird]

Okay... I'm getting just gibberish here. I'm trying to figure it all out so that it'll be comprehensible.



There is the Stone. The stone needs to be "Weaned" off its previous host because it's kind of alive and will kill someone if it's not returned to its virgin state before being transfered. For some reason the Stone needs to be worn... but it doesn't say why. I mean the magical change has already happened so why can't they just shove it into a locked box and not have to worry about it. Apparently it's a test of faith. Or... something. Because the stone some how connects them all to the knowledge of the stuff and when it's immersed in the water it's no longer connecting them... or something. And... stuff... or something... which I don't think is at all important.

Remember Natasha, the little girl who got kidnapped by the Evil Sorceresses? We hear the wizard's side of the story. How she was just a cute little girl and oh so precious and it was horrible that she vanished. And then daddy went to look for her and apparently he's alive and with a bunch of books and... um... I um...if he's so powerful... why didn't they kill him?

The ones who wrote the tome are called "The Ones Who Came Before".

Before what?

Before whom?

Before them, apparently. The authors knew that someone would find it and they wrote an instruction manual. And they called themselves the Ones Who Came Before... Isn't that lovely? That's just as bad as calling your minions Minions.

Then Triscuit learns about the third volume with the prophesies and he gets horny.

As he gave more and more thought to the Prophecies, he began to feel the endowed blood in his veins race even faster. He started to feel flushed and then slightly dizzy, the way he'd felt when he approached the Well of the Redobut. It was frightening, yet at the same time it gave him a kind of euphoria that he had never experienced before.

I know some people get really passionate about books....but generally they don't orgasm over them.

Somehow within him (It actually says Somehow) Triscuit knows that Earwig is the one to talk to about the prophecies. As opposed to Triscuit knowing that Earwig is the wisest person and most knowledgeable of all the wizards who has actually studied the damn book of prophecies.

Triscuit is stunned to learn that Earwig and the other wizards were there at his birth. I would think this is something that would have been commented on before. Just in passing between Earwig and Triscuit through day to day matters.

The book of prophecies is apparently very specific... but not enough that it couldn't foretell that they were going to be attacked by the Coven which they thought had been had been destroyed. Thus letting them actually PREPARE for the attacks. I mean, what good is a book of prophecies if it doesn't even hint at that sort of stuff? Maybe a virus got to it or something... or they're just too dumb. Or maybe it just didn't go any further than CHOSEN ONE BEING BORN YAY!!

But apparently the prophecy was not in the book of prophecies....which only the Chosen One can read...

And now I'm all confused.

I'm just going to shove that away in a corner and move on.

Allegedly he's the Chosen One because of the Purity of his Endowed Blood. And because of that blood he'll lead them and show them the way.

So basically he has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever.

He doesn't have to do anything. Any choice he makes will be the right one. Because he's the Chosen One because of his Blood, not because of anything he has to do. He could just sit around on his ass smoking weed and it'd be the right thing to do. Because he's the Chosen One. He could up and die and it'd be the right thing for him to do, because he's the Chosen One. (Which would be nice). And this is why I hate Chosen Ones. There's no worry about if anything they do will cause disaster because they are the Chosen Ones and so everything they do is right even if everyone else thinks it's wrong.

And then it gets really weird.

You know how they're always praying to the Afterlife and stuff like that? Before they found the tomes they had no concept of it.

"Over the course of the last three hundred years, the occasional use of the word 'Afterlife' by the members of the Directorate came to be overheard by the general population and was eventually adopted into our language as a part of our custom of speech, although no one outside of the Directorate ever had the slightest inkling of what it really meant," he continued. "We did not discourage its use because it seemed to guide their perceptions about death to a more peaceful, gentle conclusion. It seemed to provide hope both to those who were about to die, and to those who had lost loved ones...

You know what? I just realized something here... there's no religion. There hasn't been any mention of gods or temples or anything like that. The Afterlife just happened as an after thought. People had no conception of what happened to them after they died. They didn't even apparently think about it until the afterlife became known which is, according to the Tome, and I quote here, "A compassionate place where the souls of the dead supposedly go". So, they don't even believe this is true, it's just "Supposedly" what happens. And the wizards are letting the people believe in this "fantasy" because it gives them comfort. They have no belief system at work here. They're just existing. And it's because of the wizards that they can have comfort when they die where before, they didn't.

Did these people just not think about things before the wizards showed up? I mean, they didn't keep histories. They didn't have a vision of what happens when they die. Even Paloini's atheist elves had an afterlife! I'm beginning to think these aren't real people here but rocks. Or sheep. Maybe sheep.

But I like sheep. They're cute and tasty.

Blobs of Jello... no...

God, I don't know what these people are. Stoned out hippies...? No, because then they'd be having visions... um...

I.. don't know... I think they're just figments of my imagination...but I'd never come up with something like that.

Maybe robots? Androids?

I just...

Going to sweep that into a corner too.

Earwig tells Triscuit that they don't have any real idea what the Afterlife (and the Underworld) is because it's in the book of Prophecies which can only be read by Triscuit. The Afterlife is for the Vigors and the Underworld is for the Vagaries and Triscuit is supposed to learn how to join and employ them.

If you join the Afterlife with the Underworld... would you get Limbo? And is that a good thing?

Triscuit cries his second single tear. That's three for the novel so far.

Earwig is stupid and can't figure out how Natasha was involved in planning the attack on the Ceremony.

Sending thoughts is part of the Vagaries. I have no idea why this is selfish or evil or anything... Unless they're ... I just... um...

Brushing that one into the corner too.

So, they decided that they're going to go search out the wizard in the woods tomorrow night. And then Earwig knocks Triscuit out.

I'm gonna go curl up in that corner over there now.

Comments

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

All the people are magical constructs, rocks enchanted to behave like people. That's why they have no religion or an independent concept of the afterlife.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

That's as good as any theory.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

My theory is detailed further below, I think "Walking With Cavemen" is a wonderful resource for understanding Newcombs lot ;)

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Golems! That works!

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Yes it does make sense, especially with the lack of religion. Since, as we all know, a golem can't make up a minyan.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

But what about Pratchett's Golems?

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

And then Earwig knocks Triscuit out...

...With the best sex of his life!

:D

...

Yeaaah. *offers cookies*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*takes cookies and nibbles them with milk*

Thank you.

[kunenk.livejournal.com]

It sounds like the Stone needs to eat the energy of its host. Or something.

*blinks at the stuff about the afterlife* …that's puzzling. There was just 'hey, guys, party after you die yeah?' and no one went 'okay, but why are we being thrown the party?'?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

It sounds like the Stone needs to eat the energy of its host. Or something.

I think that's something like that.

*blinks at the stuff about the afterlife* …that's puzzling. There was just 'hey, guys, party after you die yeah?' and no one went 'okay, but why are we being thrown the party?'?

Isn't it? I can't figure it out either.

[syderia]

The more I read your reviews, the more I wonder how that book ever got published in the first place.

IIRC, wondering what happened after our death, and inventing solutions is one of the things that made humanity turn from being animals to human beings.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Not just published, touted as the fantasy book of the year!

[alexseanchai]

...wait, what?

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Del Rey invested massive resources into this book, in fact it was their most publicized book in years. As a result it got fair sales, but no more than that.

[alexseanchai]

One would think that this would entail people at Del Rey having read the book, and assuming that people at Del Rey have enough brains and familiarity with the world of books to catch even a few of the flaws Kippur points out...I kinda have to wonder just how sucky the rest of Del Rey's books this year are.

*goes to tell roomie that roomie's novel-in-progress will have no trouble selling well, not with competition like this*

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Oh hell no. This coming from the same publishing company that published like nine my writing teacher's novels? That Del Rey? What the crap? *Diesritequick.*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But it gives me hope for my own books.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

It keeps getting worse. How can it keep getting worse? It should have reached the ultimate level of horrifically bad fantasy some time ago, and yet...the worsening continues. It's like the author hit the bottom of the barrel, so he moved the barrel and started digging.

Um...I think Triscuit's blood may be horny for him. Just a theory. Or a nightmare. Take your pick.

As for the book of prophecies...or not, and the lack of a religion/afterlife concept, or history, or...hell, all the stuff these people are lacking (starting with brains), I'm thinking this is a virtual reality populated by brain-wiped people. Of course, the wipe was only supposed to take their memories, but it didn't go quite right. Leaving us with evil vs. dumb and pretty evil sounding too. (Which is not nearly as good as the usual evil vs. good match up.)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Isn't that so? It just keeps on getting worse and worse and worse and I just kinda stare at it in disbelief.

As for the book of prophecies...or not, and the lack of a religion/afterlife concept, or history, or...hell, all the stuff these people are lacking (starting with brains), I'm thinking this is a virtual reality populated by brain-wiped people. Of course, the wipe was only supposed to take their memories, but it didn't go quite right. Leaving us with evil vs. dumb and pretty evil sounding too. (Which is not nearly as good as the usual evil vs. good match up.)

That's as good a theory as any.

[(Anonymous)]

"I think Triscuit's blood may be horny for him."

Tricuit/Triscuit!Blood OTP!

Because, y'know, he's so perfect that no one is good enough for him, and he falls in love with himself... or at least his blood.

*gasp* The pool thingy in the pit he fell into that made him horny! FORESHADOWING!

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Imagine there's no afterlife, no underworld below, imagine aaaaaaaall the people...

Urm... yeah it's like the John Lennon school of world building. Seriously though even religions who don't believe in afterlives (and there were a lot of those in the ancient world) had a religion. It's a human instinct don't you know? The idea of a group of people without religion, or deep tribal traditions, suffusing their entire society is completely absurd! The only customs and culture we see is faux-medievalism pasted on top of vapid, shallow present day Californian lifestyles.

Incidentally speaking of lifestyles does everyone have birthcontrol? There's zero mention of it, or of medical technology, and Triscuit isn't using a rubber (or sheepskin)... I mean...

GAH!

Then there's the school, given that they had enough information to evacuate the whole school two weeks ago... doesn't it make sense that they ought to make proper preperations for an attack? Wait I've said this already... It still annoys the crap out of me though.

I mean as a direct result of their massive stupidity they've lost the Paragon! Which is this really, really powerful thing that they really didn't want to lose.

Rightio theyn, moving on, lets talk about the Book Without Chapter Breaks, the Tome of Two Thousand Page Chapters. I have some ideas about the authors, The One's Who Came Before...
... Chapter Breaks
... We Knew Lobotomy Was Bad
... Homo Sapiens *
... The Idiocracy
... Bad Writing

* Everyone in the book is actually Homo Erectur/Habilis. My humble theory. Tell me I'm wrong.

However you should look at the bright side, how can this book possibly get any worse? I mean they're about to enter a deep dark forest to seek out a hidden wizard, there are tons of boring safe clichés to borrow from! Surely not even Newcomb could mess this up?

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

* Everyone in the book is actually Homo Erectur/Habilis. My humble theory. Tell me I'm wrong.

While I can maybe picture our ancestors being this dumb, I can't really picture them being this fundamentally inhuman. Chimps and bonobos act more human than these characters.

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

I mean, just off the top of my head...

Chimps:
-Have been known to mourn their mothers.
-Display behavior that may be related to a primal drive towards religion (e.g. rain dances).

Bonobos:
-Will share knowledge of a possible impending attack with the community.

And I'm sure there are other things.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Seriously though even religions who don't believe in afterlives (and there were a lot of those in the ancient world) had a religion. I don't know of any religion that didn't believe in any afterlife. There were religions with no detailed descriptions of an afterlife, but they did believe in some general afterlife (or, alternately, simply adopted another religion's afterlife, even today, Shinto generally leaves issues about the afterlife to Buddhism)

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

There's evidence that the Sadducees didn't believe in an afterlife, since it isn't mentioned in the Torah. It's possible that similar beliefs were held by other religions in the area; certainly gives additional poignancy to Gilgamesh's quest.

So yes it's perfectly possible for a religion not to believe in any afterlife, as difficult as it may be for us to comprehend.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Seriously though even religions who don't believe in afterlives (and there were a lot of those in the ancient world) had a religion. It's a human instinct don't you know? The idea of a group of people without religion, or deep tribal traditions, suffusing their entire society is completely absurd! The only customs and culture we see is faux-medievalism pasted on top of vapid, shallow present day Californian lifestyles.

I think the guy is just really, really dumb and lazy when it comes to world building. Or doesn't get it. Probably both.

However you should look at the bright side, how can this book possibly get any worse? I mean they're about to enter a deep dark forest to seek out a hidden wizard, there are tons of boring safe clichés to borrow from! Surely not even Newcomb could mess this up?

Somehow, I bet you're wrong.

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

But all real magic systems were developed from philosophical-religious systems! DENIED!

How the hell is an afterlife different from an underworld? It would have made more sense if he'd just stuck to heaven and hell.

The "Directorate"? What, was this written during the Cold War?

Now, I'm all for emergent worldbuilding. I can even like Chosen Ones. But this...

This is garbage.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

But all real magic systems were developed from philosophical-religious systems! DENIED!

But their magic is from their *snigger* endowed blood, not religion.

How the hell is an afterlife different from an underworld? It would have made more sense if he'd just stuck to heaven and hell.

If you practice Vigors you go onto the afterlife. If you practice Vagaries you go to the Underworld.

Now, I'm all for emergent worldbuilding. I can even like Chosen Ones. But this...

What world building?

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'd call this shit at planetary-magnitude fail.

[(Anonymous)]

They know about the afterlife and the underworld because of the Tome, but they don't know about it because they can't read the Book of Prophecy? No wizard ever sat down and tried to make a few guesses about it? And what's the point of having a book that foretells the coming of the Chosen One if the only person who can read it is the Chosen One? How are they supposed to know who the Chosen One is going to be? If there's a copy of that prophecy in another book, why didn't they just copy the whole book?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

There was a copy of the Chosen One Prophecy in another book. The first book of the Tome. But then it just gets confusing and my brain refuses to process.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

You know I've figured out how to read The Fifth Sorceress without mental damage! You'll need a bottle of whiskey (or whatever your favourite booze is), a copy of the Fifth Sorceress, and the Lord of the Rings.

Open both at a random page and read.

Take a shot of whiskey.

Read another page, take another shot, and so on untill you're no longer capable of telling the two apart. At this point you can read on with no brain (but possibly liver) damage.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I think I already damaged my liver enough with the DaVinci Code.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

The ones who wrote the tome are called "The Ones Who Came Before". That's what they called themselves? Or is it a term given by the present-day people to the anonymous authors of the tome? If the second, it's not such a bad term. If the first, it's just stupid. Who calls themselves by a past-tense term?

Allegedly he's the Chosen One because of the Purity of his Endowed Blood. So, inbred = Chosen One? Hmm ... so if we ever need a Chosen One, we'll just head down to Mississippi ...

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

I have found him! I have found The Chosen One and a fool proof method of detecting him to boot!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

No. That's what they called themselves. Honestly that's what they call themselves.

It hurts.

[(Anonymous)]

I first read the tile as "Jello boobs" expecting there to be jello boobs. I was sadly dissapointed, because jello boobs would actually make the story much better than it is.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't it? I bet the Evil Sorceress have Jello Boobs.

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

The ones who wrote the tome are called "The Ones Who Came Before". Before what? Before whom? Well the Ones Who Came After Obviously.

I love how the wizards are only ones who know anything and they benevolently let the little people steal borrow the Wizard's words to form some rudimentary ideas since the little people have no ideas otherwise.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

You know, I feel ten times more sympathetic towards Natasha than any of the other people, because the wizards apparently sneered at her and gave her the finger, and the Sorceresses took her in and taught her stuff. I don't blame her for going over to their side. I mean, judging from the attitude towards women in this book... Being Evil is the ONLY way for a woman to enjoy life as her own person instead of "Wife of X"! And she's WORKED for her position, studied her head off, while Triscuit and friends just got it by endowed blood.

This is not a good thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, she was at least interesting for a second. Her and Kluge. I thought his unrequited love for Succiu made him at least a little bit interesting, except for the fact that all it has lead to so far is him wanting to kill and torture people more.

[sonic-sues.livejournal.com]

There is the Stone. The stone needs to be "Weaned" off its previous host because it's kind of alive and will kill someone if it's not returned to its virgin state before being transfered. For some reason the Stone needs to be worn... but it doesn't say why.

So...it's like a parasite?

Earwig is the wisest person and most knowledgeable of all the wizards who has actually studied the damn book of prophecies.

[...]

But apparently the prophecy was not in the book of prophecies....which only the Chosen One can read

But...but...I give up trying to make sense of this book.