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kippurbirdI good news, I have three new books to read (five if you count the his Dark Materials anthology I got as three). The bad news is... I'm picking up the Book From Hell again to read. Why?
Okay, so remember how I said that they were going to try and turn the Sister evil? There's a prophecy at the beginning of chapter six.
Gee. Who didn't see that one coming? There goes any suspense whatsoever.
Triscuit wakes up in bed with Her. Her ass is pressed up against his groin. He was drunk and apparently did her. Lovely chap Triscuit is. He appears to be more concerned about the type of wine he drinks than her. He thinks that if he didn't have to become King he'd happily drink bad wine. I thought he had accept the responsibility of becoming king. And yet he's still whining about it. Her vanishes and is replaced by Evelyn of the house of Norcross. Her parents apparently dumped her with the Prince.
You're having drunken sex with some random chick you just met. Of course it's not love. It's at most, lust. Oh wait.
No.
The dingbat actually seems to believe in the whole true love at first sight shit. I can just see him now singing "True Love's Kiss" From Enchanted when he sees his Designated True Love. (Good movie by the way.) But him singing it would be a disgrace. He's probably be naked. With his sword all erect by his endowed blood. And his True Love will be lying on a bed with her legs spread.
Apparently "Groin" is our euphemism for Penis. Because Evelyn reaches for his groin when she wants sex again.
And our next scene is Triscuit with Fredrick and hitting each other with swords. A note about Fredrick, which I don't think I've clarified before. Fredrick is the same age as Triscuit, but Fredrick some how taught Triscuit everything he knows about fighting. I'm beginning to think that, yes, Triscuit was originally a lot younger than he is now. Fredrick manages to trick Triscuit with the old, "There's something scary behind you trick" which apparently he's never done before and win the fight. I'm surprised it's never been used on him before.
We learn that Triscuit screwed one of his Nannies. The fact that he had a nanny when he was old enough to screw someone is kind of depressing. It only reinforces the fact that Triscuit is childish and immature. Better to have said the chambermaid or something like that. Which is something at least more mature than a nanny.
Blah, Triscuit continues to whine about having to become king.
And then! A harpy shows up! It's very big with feathers about two to three meters long. It screams a lot. It stands on the wall and screams a lot and no one bothers to shoot it. They just stare at it until it grabs one of the guards and eats him. Then and ONLY then does Triscuit run and get a longbow. He shoots at it several times and the arrows don't penetrate. So, what does he do? He walks CLOSER to it and hurls a dirk into its eye. Why he couldn't shoot the thing in the eye which would have been MUCH more effective, I don't know. He just does. Unfortunately before the Harpy can eat him, Earwig shows up.
Earwig shows up and squishes it in a magic blue box. That isn't the TARDIS. It is, instead a "Wizard's Warp" which Triscuit somehow knows what it is. Which is a magical force shield that can do shit. The Harpy is called a "Screaming Harpy". Screaming is what Harpies do. Why then does it need to be called a Screaming Harpy, I don't know. Maybe there are singing harpies? Purring Harpies? Tap dancing Harpies?
Moving on. The Harpies used to nest near the Square piece of grass is. They didn't used to have the faces of women nor were they vicious before the EVIL sorceress got their hands on them.
The we get this lovely piece of drivel. It's Earwig talking to Triscuit after mentioning that he's quite proficient with his little throwing knives.
Random Villager: Hey! You just killed all those innocent people!
Wizard: I gave them a fair warning and I allowed you to live, so it's okay!
There's something seriously wrong there. I just know it. And he just gave Triscuit the right to kill whoever he wants. Lovely. There goes any sort of moral quandary Triscuit could have. Joy. And then Triscuit gets to go have tea with mommy. He doesn't like having tea with mommy.
Triscuit has tea with mommy. Mommy loves him the best and thinks that he's become more mature and commanding since he took a bath in the red water. I really haven't seen that. But since the author says so, it must be so! Sister is there too. She knows that her baby is a girl and that it'll have blond hair and green eyes. She just knows this.
Mother talks to Triscuit about his adventures with the girl from the beginning of the chapter. And just says that she won't tell anyone. I don't think it's a big secret that Triscuit will jump anyone who lets him. In fact that seems to be one of his big problems. But "They were women and could better understand the effects he had on so many of the young ladies in the realm". So now his MOM wants him! His mother! He's so damn hot even his mother wants him!
This.
Is.
Not.
NORMAL!
Mr. Newcomb, I'm here to inform you that if mothers are attracted to their children this is considered a bad thing. It's like Hanuka Ham for a religious Jew. Ham and Hanuka do not mix. Jews and Ham do not mix. If you mix the two of them together you have something WRONG. Continuing to insist that this is a good thing will lead you to getting beat. Or me sending this to you in the mail.
Actually, I think I will anyway.
Moving on!
Mother gives him a shiny and he starts to cry. This is because he's a deep and sensitive man. It is a shiny that the Royal Guard wear. He's been made into an honorary Royal Gaurd. Awwww...
Bored now.
Oh and there's a second Single Tear. This time it falls down mommy's cheek.
Then the Wizards all meet. They have to show off their tattoo and some bit of magic to prove that they're really wizards. Earwig tells them that they have to go and kill Harpies and Blood Stalkers but he doesn't tell them why they've returned. Which will hamper any efforts they make or prevent them from finding valuable information. But of course, Earwig has no choice in not telling them. Though he never says why. He just does.
I'm about a third of the way through the book. Rejoice my pigeons! Rejoice!
Okay, so remember how I said that they were going to try and turn the Sister evil? There's a prophecy at the beginning of chapter six.
The Chosen One shall come, preceded by another. And the knowledge that he seeks he shall one day demand of the one who recovers the stone. And those of the Pentagnle, the ones who practice the Vagaries, shall require the female of the Chosen Ones, and shall bend her to their purpose.
Gee. Who didn't see that one coming? There goes any suspense whatsoever.
Triscuit wakes up in bed with Her. Her ass is pressed up against his groin. He was drunk and apparently did her. Lovely chap Triscuit is. He appears to be more concerned about the type of wine he drinks than her. He thinks that if he didn't have to become King he'd happily drink bad wine. I thought he had accept the responsibility of becoming king. And yet he's still whining about it. Her vanishes and is replaced by Evelyn of the house of Norcross. Her parents apparently dumped her with the Prince.
She had come to his quarters very willingly, as women always did, and they had laughingly fallen into each other's arms, almost immediately. Twice more in the night she had reached out for him, and he had obeyed. But as usual, for him it had not been love.
You're having drunken sex with some random chick you just met. Of course it's not love. It's at most, lust. Oh wait.
No.
The dingbat actually seems to believe in the whole true love at first sight shit. I can just see him now singing "True Love's Kiss" From Enchanted when he sees his Designated True Love. (Good movie by the way.) But him singing it would be a disgrace. He's probably be naked. With his sword all erect by his endowed blood. And his True Love will be lying on a bed with her legs spread.
Apparently "Groin" is our euphemism for Penis. Because Evelyn reaches for his groin when she wants sex again.
And our next scene is Triscuit with Fredrick and hitting each other with swords. A note about Fredrick, which I don't think I've clarified before. Fredrick is the same age as Triscuit, but Fredrick some how taught Triscuit everything he knows about fighting. I'm beginning to think that, yes, Triscuit was originally a lot younger than he is now. Fredrick manages to trick Triscuit with the old, "There's something scary behind you trick" which apparently he's never done before and win the fight. I'm surprised it's never been used on him before.
We learn that Triscuit screwed one of his Nannies. The fact that he had a nanny when he was old enough to screw someone is kind of depressing. It only reinforces the fact that Triscuit is childish and immature. Better to have said the chambermaid or something like that. Which is something at least more mature than a nanny.
Blah, Triscuit continues to whine about having to become king.
And then! A harpy shows up! It's very big with feathers about two to three meters long. It screams a lot. It stands on the wall and screams a lot and no one bothers to shoot it. They just stare at it until it grabs one of the guards and eats him. Then and ONLY then does Triscuit run and get a longbow. He shoots at it several times and the arrows don't penetrate. So, what does he do? He walks CLOSER to it and hurls a dirk into its eye. Why he couldn't shoot the thing in the eye which would have been MUCH more effective, I don't know. He just does. Unfortunately before the Harpy can eat him, Earwig shows up.
Earwig shows up and squishes it in a magic blue box. That isn't the TARDIS. It is, instead a "Wizard's Warp" which Triscuit somehow knows what it is. Which is a magical force shield that can do shit. The Harpy is called a "Screaming Harpy". Screaming is what Harpies do. Why then does it need to be called a Screaming Harpy, I don't know. Maybe there are singing harpies? Purring Harpies? Tap dancing Harpies?
Moving on. The Harpies used to nest near the Square piece of grass is. They didn't used to have the faces of women nor were they vicious before the EVIL sorceress got their hands on them.
The we get this lovely piece of drivel. It's Earwig talking to Triscuit after mentioning that he's quite proficient with his little throwing knives.
"...But let me give you a word of advice about taking a life, even a life as disgusting as the thing that is now trapped in my warp. Every time you use your dirks, or sword, or bow to take a life, try to think not of whom or what you are killing, but rather whom or what you are allowing to live. It will help with the eventual guilt that all those of our blood must deal with afterward. Endowed blood isn't just a gift; it's a responsibility. And sometimes it weighs heavily indeed."
Instinctively, Tristan knew that the old one was right. He always was. But more than that, the prince also had begun to feel that taking any life, even in self-defense and when apparently absolutely necessary, was not always the correct way to resolve conflict. Perhaps that was one of the reasons for his hunger to learn the craft. A short part of the wizard's vows now came back to him. Take no life except in urgent defense or self and others, or without fair warning. He thought perhaps he was beginning to understand.
Random Villager: Hey! You just killed all those innocent people!
Wizard: I gave them a fair warning and I allowed you to live, so it's okay!
There's something seriously wrong there. I just know it. And he just gave Triscuit the right to kill whoever he wants. Lovely. There goes any sort of moral quandary Triscuit could have. Joy. And then Triscuit gets to go have tea with mommy. He doesn't like having tea with mommy.
Triscuit has tea with mommy. Mommy loves him the best and thinks that he's become more mature and commanding since he took a bath in the red water. I really haven't seen that. But since the author says so, it must be so! Sister is there too. She knows that her baby is a girl and that it'll have blond hair and green eyes. She just knows this.
Mother talks to Triscuit about his adventures with the girl from the beginning of the chapter. And just says that she won't tell anyone. I don't think it's a big secret that Triscuit will jump anyone who lets him. In fact that seems to be one of his big problems. But "They were women and could better understand the effects he had on so many of the young ladies in the realm". So now his MOM wants him! His mother! He's so damn hot even his mother wants him!
This.
Is.
Not.
NORMAL!
Mr. Newcomb, I'm here to inform you that if mothers are attracted to their children this is considered a bad thing. It's like Hanuka Ham for a religious Jew. Ham and Hanuka do not mix. Jews and Ham do not mix. If you mix the two of them together you have something WRONG. Continuing to insist that this is a good thing will lead you to getting beat. Or me sending this to you in the mail.
Actually, I think I will anyway.
Moving on!
Mother gives him a shiny and he starts to cry. This is because he's a deep and sensitive man. It is a shiny that the Royal Guard wear. He's been made into an honorary Royal Gaurd. Awwww...
Bored now.
Oh and there's a second Single Tear. This time it falls down mommy's cheek.
Then the Wizards all meet. They have to show off their tattoo and some bit of magic to prove that they're really wizards. Earwig tells them that they have to go and kill Harpies and Blood Stalkers but he doesn't tell them why they've returned. Which will hamper any efforts they make or prevent them from finding valuable information. But of course, Earwig has no choice in not telling them. Though he never says why. He just does.
I'm about a third of the way through the book. Rejoice my pigeons! Rejoice!
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Date: 2007-12-12 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 07:44 pm (UTC)Oh dear. I must not be a woman. =/