The EVIL sorceress returns.
Dec. 5th, 2007 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdAs much as I'm loathed to admit, I believe the impossible has happened. I've found a book worse than Eragon. Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse? Could someone check on that for me?
We meet She. She is riding in a coach for over six days. She hates traveling with out her chef or maid servants because it's common. But She's traveling in an ornate coach with six black stallions. What sort of fucking moron travels drawn with six stallions? They get anywhere near a mare and there's going to be one less coach. And one less She in the coach.
She gives us a Dire Proclamation #4 Soon I will never again travel to kneel before anyone. They will travel to kneel before me.
And then a Natasha of the House of Minaar, duchess of the province of Ephyra shows up. I don't know where She went. However our Duchess hasn't worn a pentangle in over three hundred years. GASP I think our EVIL missing Sorceress just showed up. It takes Newcomb two pages to tell us that she's a sorceress. He tries to be clever by giving us blatant hints as to her identity. I mean she muses about her hair and sex life before she starts to even think about her powers. She also contemplates how much she hates everything. And then there are Typical Thoughts Of Revenge.
We get a musing of her past. Apparently she too is Just That Special. At the age of five she could read from the Book of Sex Ed when no one else could. She was the first one to do it. And all the wizards were amazed and pushed her out of the way and she was sad. And her father was a bastard apparently. Because he was a guy. Some pretty ladies came by and took her away and she was happy because she was five and mad at her father so that would show them! It actually says pretty ladies. Blah, training, blah hiding. Blah those Sorceresses that were sent in Exile didn't die. Blah wait for the Chosen Ones. Revenge. Destruction. Hatred of all men. Blah.
Switch to Triscuit! For some reason he's just sitting around in his red stained pants and not going up to his rooms and changing. There is no reason given for this. He just is. I hate "He just is". No one does that. It's like the whole Evil thing. Why are they evil? They just are. I mean, if it was something like a potted plant on your head, people would want a reason for it besides, "I just do". Triscuit Obviously doesn't want to be there, but he's still there. Why? He just is.
Apparently it's so that he can meet up with Natasha. Conveniently meet her. In a totally random way. Yes. Triscuit was just randomly sitting there for no apparent reason so that he could randomly meet up with Natasha. Yup.It's all random. Not at all contrived by the author. Nope. Triscuit was just sitting there and Natasha just happened to walk by where Triscuit was sitting for no apparent reason in his dirty clothes that he wanted to change.
Oh apparently he's sitting around waiting to be called by the wizards' council. We just weren't told that three pages ago. ANYWAY. Natasha and Triscuit talk.
Because, you know, no one ever cheats on their spouse, especially in the nobby nob circles. And really, isn't he just as bad as her for taking all those lovers and not staying with just one.
Oh and did you notice, He doesn't like her for SOME reason? Even though EVERYONE else does? Ten bucks says that some time later he'll go, "He knew he shouldn't have trusted her" or something to that effect. He has the Special Sue Sense that lets him pick out EVIL when no one else can. It allows him to be self righteous later in the book and tell everyone, "I told you so! Why didn't you listen to me?"
Apparently while it's bad for Natasha to have many lovers, it's okay for Triscuit to have a flirtation with a married woman. Double standard much?
And then his brother in law gives him this piece of wisdom: A wink from a pretty girl at a party doesn't always result in climax, but only a fool won't take the opportunity to find out." Oh good encourage Mr. Horny Pants who everyone wants to settle down to screw every pretty girl he meets. That'll work really well.
So Woman having Multiple lovers = bad. But men having multiple lovers (even if they're married women) = good. This sounds like a guy's sex fantasy to me. But then again... we knew that from the beginning, didn't we?
Fredrick (the brother-in-law who apparently trained Triscuit as a child, which is kinda ew since he's married to the twin sister) and Triscuit go for a walk. Tristcuit gives the "Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not a prince" speech that every Rebellious Elrond's second daughter doe.. I mean um... every rebellious prince gives.
Then for no particular reason, Fredrick and Triscuit wrestle. Or beat each other up. I'm not really sure. I think it's supposed to be male bonding. But it's rather pointless. Fredrick tries to jump on top of him. That's the actual phrasing. The contractor guy wanted to jump my mother...and not in a mud wrestling way. I wonder if cheating with other men is okay in this world.
Fredrick walks away after their little tryst and Triscuit has to think for some reason, "A good man and the father of Shailiha's unborn child." Was there any doubt about this? Does Sister have a born child who isn't fathered by Fredrick? What was the point of that statement?
And finally Triscuit goes back and sits where he started. And I'm not really sure what that interlude accomplished. We learned that Triscuit doesn't trust Natasha, but that could have been told to us in a different way and that he's having man sex with his brother in law. Which I guess is okay... but um... doesn't really progress the plot along.
So, yes. That's chapter three.
We meet She. She is riding in a coach for over six days. She hates traveling with out her chef or maid servants because it's common. But She's traveling in an ornate coach with six black stallions. What sort of fucking moron travels drawn with six stallions? They get anywhere near a mare and there's going to be one less coach. And one less She in the coach.
She gives us a Dire Proclamation #4 Soon I will never again travel to kneel before anyone. They will travel to kneel before me.
And then a Natasha of the House of Minaar, duchess of the province of Ephyra shows up. I don't know where She went. However our Duchess hasn't worn a pentangle in over three hundred years. GASP I think our EVIL missing Sorceress just showed up. It takes Newcomb two pages to tell us that she's a sorceress. He tries to be clever by giving us blatant hints as to her identity. I mean she muses about her hair and sex life before she starts to even think about her powers. She also contemplates how much she hates everything. And then there are Typical Thoughts Of Revenge.
We get a musing of her past. Apparently she too is Just That Special. At the age of five she could read from the Book of Sex Ed when no one else could. She was the first one to do it. And all the wizards were amazed and pushed her out of the way and she was sad. And her father was a bastard apparently. Because he was a guy. Some pretty ladies came by and took her away and she was happy because she was five and mad at her father so that would show them! It actually says pretty ladies. Blah, training, blah hiding. Blah those Sorceresses that were sent in Exile didn't die. Blah wait for the Chosen Ones. Revenge. Destruction. Hatred of all men. Blah.
Switch to Triscuit! For some reason he's just sitting around in his red stained pants and not going up to his rooms and changing. There is no reason given for this. He just is. I hate "He just is". No one does that. It's like the whole Evil thing. Why are they evil? They just are. I mean, if it was something like a potted plant on your head, people would want a reason for it besides, "I just do". Triscuit Obviously doesn't want to be there, but he's still there. Why? He just is.
Apparently it's so that he can meet up with Natasha. Conveniently meet her. In a totally random way. Yes. Triscuit was just randomly sitting there for no apparent reason so that he could randomly meet up with Natasha. Yup.It's all random. Not at all contrived by the author. Nope. Triscuit was just sitting there and Natasha just happened to walk by where Triscuit was sitting for no apparent reason in his dirty clothes that he wanted to change.
Oh apparently he's sitting around waiting to be called by the wizards' council. We just weren't told that three pages ago. ANYWAY. Natasha and Triscuit talk.
He had never liked this woman, despite the fact that since her marriage to Duke Baldric Duke Baldric? O.o she had somehow become a good friend of his mother's. He reminded himself of the fact that she was obviously much closer to his own age than to that of her husband, and also of the reputation she had slowly garnered since her marriage. It had been whispered in political circles for years that she had taken many lovers, but she was nonetheless received courteously at court due to the importance of the province of Ephyra to the nation as a whole. His mother apparently either did not know of the woman's indiscretions or chose to be gracious enough to ignore them.
Because, you know, no one ever cheats on their spouse, especially in the nobby nob circles. And really, isn't he just as bad as her for taking all those lovers and not staying with just one.
Oh and did you notice, He doesn't like her for SOME reason? Even though EVERYONE else does? Ten bucks says that some time later he'll go, "He knew he shouldn't have trusted her" or something to that effect. He has the Special Sue Sense that lets him pick out EVIL when no one else can. It allows him to be self righteous later in the book and tell everyone, "I told you so! Why didn't you listen to me?"
Apparently while it's bad for Natasha to have many lovers, it's okay for Triscuit to have a flirtation with a married woman. Double standard much?
She smiled with her eyes over the fan as it continued its seductive path back and forth. Had this woman been anyone else the prince might have been intrigued and only too glad to join her in the beginnings of a flirtation, despite the fact that she was married. But not with her. And not tonight.
And then his brother in law gives him this piece of wisdom: A wink from a pretty girl at a party doesn't always result in climax, but only a fool won't take the opportunity to find out." Oh good encourage Mr. Horny Pants who everyone wants to settle down to screw every pretty girl he meets. That'll work really well.
So Woman having Multiple lovers = bad. But men having multiple lovers (even if they're married women) = good. This sounds like a guy's sex fantasy to me. But then again... we knew that from the beginning, didn't we?
Fredrick (the brother-in-law who apparently trained Triscuit as a child, which is kinda ew since he's married to the twin sister) and Triscuit go for a walk. Tristcuit gives the "Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not a prince" speech that every Rebellious Elrond's second daughter doe.. I mean um... every rebellious prince gives.
Then for no particular reason, Fredrick and Triscuit wrestle. Or beat each other up. I'm not really sure. I think it's supposed to be male bonding. But it's rather pointless. Fredrick tries to jump on top of him. That's the actual phrasing. The contractor guy wanted to jump my mother...and not in a mud wrestling way. I wonder if cheating with other men is okay in this world.
Fredrick walks away after their little tryst and Triscuit has to think for some reason, "A good man and the father of Shailiha's unborn child." Was there any doubt about this? Does Sister have a born child who isn't fathered by Fredrick? What was the point of that statement?
And finally Triscuit goes back and sits where he started. And I'm not really sure what that interlude accomplished. We learned that Triscuit doesn't trust Natasha, but that could have been told to us in a different way and that he's having man sex with his brother in law. Which I guess is okay... but um... doesn't really progress the plot along.
So, yes. That's chapter three.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 07:26 am (UTC)That was the only thing about this post that made me happy...well, that, and your scathing commentary, but that, at least, is a given. If I were reading this book on my own, I probably would have stopped sometime during the menstrual blood pool scene...but if for some reason I had tried, the Double-Standard-Scene-of-DOOM between Triscuit and Dutchess McEvil would've done it for me.
And going off of yours sporkings, I think this is worse than Eragon too. At least Paolini has the excuse of youth to back up his poor writing and two-dimensional characterization (it's not much of an excuse, but I'm willing to let him have it), but Newcomb here is more than old enough to know better.
And once again, reading these gives me hope for my own writing. Because if someone somewhere liked this
crapstory, surely someone somewhere will also like mine. :Dno subject
Date: 2007-12-06 09:53 am (UTC)This isn't based on anything of note, far as I can tell.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 02:05 pm (UTC)No really, who the hell publishes these things. I’m sure I’ve seen fan fiction that made more sense then some novels out there. Still it must make people feel more assured about getting published themselves. It certainly does in my case. Is ‘Sister’ barefoot as well as pregnant? Consider the sexism so far…
I know it’s a bit late but I just want to say how cool it is that you’re sporking again! I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for your further chapters.
-NK
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 02:17 pm (UTC)(although he obviously couldn't write his way out of a paper bag).I just can't help but think how badly this book is structured. Okay, so we meet the eponymous 'heroine-only-not' now; I've seen many books that have done that. But why didn't we meet her at the beginning? Why the hell did he have to focus on Mr. Gary-Stu? Most of that stuff was pointless, and if the writer had really wanted to, he could have briefly mentioned the menstruation pool later on and then spared us the entire thing! I mean, it seems like things are only starting to pick up now (*snorts* well, if a manner of speaking), so the beginning was pointless!
...Sorry, thinking logically again. But goddammit, the editor must've been stoned or drunk off his ass the entire time he went over this.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 02:32 pm (UTC)My guess? It's 'cause he's gonna die soon.
Also, that horrible misogynist advice is particularly disturbing coming from your brother-in-law, because it probably means that he's cheating on your pregnant sister.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 05:56 pm (UTC)Beside as I tell you in chats I know lots of bad writers :-D
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 05:59 pm (UTC)I kinda just stared at that one for a while. My brain refused to process it.
And going off of yours sporkings, I think this is worse than Eragon too. At least Paolini has the excuse of youth to back up his poor writing and two-dimensional characterization (it's not much of an excuse, but I'm willing to let him have it), but Newcomb here is more than old enough to know better.
At least Eragon had to learn stuff and acted like a whiny teen because he is one, as well as not being reluctant to face his duty. Newcomb's characters are one dimensional
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:11 pm (UTC)Sister is.. utterly useless as far as I can tell.
know it’s a bit late but I just want to say how cool it is that you’re sporking again! I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for your further chapters.
Thank you. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:15 pm (UTC)Seriously, you're awesome at this.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:19 pm (UTC)...Sorry, thinking logically again. But goddammit, the editor must've been stoned or drunk off his ass the entire time he went over this.
That's my going theory.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:20 pm (UTC)oooooh... good point.
Also, that horrible misogynist advice is particularly disturbing coming from your brother-in-law, because it probably means that he's cheating on your pregnant sister.
Naaaaah. Fredrick is a good man who never cheats on his wife because he's the Hero's best friend.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:26 pm (UTC)You could make some good PayPal monies too!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:27 pm (UTC)Make that sixth :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 07:45 pm (UTC)Kippur, I believe you are corrupting me.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 10:37 pm (UTC)Wait a minute. I should have caught this earlier, but... questionable word choice, much? I think the phrase he's searching for is "lead to," or something to that effect. The way it's currently written, it sounds like there's some possibility of "a wink from a pretty girl at a party" directly causing a man to orgasm on the spot.
I imagine that would be embarrassing.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 11:31 pm (UTC)You know, this is starting to sound like Laruell K. Hamilton, to me. Did she ghost-write this, or something?
no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-07 12:16 am (UTC)It's depressing to realise there are that many bad writers that are famous.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-07 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-07 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-08 03:53 pm (UTC)*Starts looking for Edmund in the background*