The EVIL sorceress returns.
Dec. 5th, 2007 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdAs much as I'm loathed to admit, I believe the impossible has happened. I've found a book worse than Eragon. Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse? Could someone check on that for me?
We meet She. She is riding in a coach for over six days. She hates traveling with out her chef or maid servants because it's common. But She's traveling in an ornate coach with six black stallions. What sort of fucking moron travels drawn with six stallions? They get anywhere near a mare and there's going to be one less coach. And one less She in the coach.
She gives us a Dire Proclamation #4 Soon I will never again travel to kneel before anyone. They will travel to kneel before me.
And then a Natasha of the House of Minaar, duchess of the province of Ephyra shows up. I don't know where She went. However our Duchess hasn't worn a pentangle in over three hundred years. GASP I think our EVIL missing Sorceress just showed up. It takes Newcomb two pages to tell us that she's a sorceress. He tries to be clever by giving us blatant hints as to her identity. I mean she muses about her hair and sex life before she starts to even think about her powers. She also contemplates how much she hates everything. And then there are Typical Thoughts Of Revenge.
We get a musing of her past. Apparently she too is Just That Special. At the age of five she could read from the Book of Sex Ed when no one else could. She was the first one to do it. And all the wizards were amazed and pushed her out of the way and she was sad. And her father was a bastard apparently. Because he was a guy. Some pretty ladies came by and took her away and she was happy because she was five and mad at her father so that would show them! It actually says pretty ladies. Blah, training, blah hiding. Blah those Sorceresses that were sent in Exile didn't die. Blah wait for the Chosen Ones. Revenge. Destruction. Hatred of all men. Blah.
Switch to Triscuit! For some reason he's just sitting around in his red stained pants and not going up to his rooms and changing. There is no reason given for this. He just is. I hate "He just is". No one does that. It's like the whole Evil thing. Why are they evil? They just are. I mean, if it was something like a potted plant on your head, people would want a reason for it besides, "I just do". Triscuit Obviously doesn't want to be there, but he's still there. Why? He just is.
Apparently it's so that he can meet up with Natasha. Conveniently meet her. In a totally random way. Yes. Triscuit was just randomly sitting there for no apparent reason so that he could randomly meet up with Natasha. Yup.It's all random. Not at all contrived by the author. Nope. Triscuit was just sitting there and Natasha just happened to walk by where Triscuit was sitting for no apparent reason in his dirty clothes that he wanted to change.
Oh apparently he's sitting around waiting to be called by the wizards' council. We just weren't told that three pages ago. ANYWAY. Natasha and Triscuit talk.
Because, you know, no one ever cheats on their spouse, especially in the nobby nob circles. And really, isn't he just as bad as her for taking all those lovers and not staying with just one.
Oh and did you notice, He doesn't like her for SOME reason? Even though EVERYONE else does? Ten bucks says that some time later he'll go, "He knew he shouldn't have trusted her" or something to that effect. He has the Special Sue Sense that lets him pick out EVIL when no one else can. It allows him to be self righteous later in the book and tell everyone, "I told you so! Why didn't you listen to me?"
Apparently while it's bad for Natasha to have many lovers, it's okay for Triscuit to have a flirtation with a married woman. Double standard much?
And then his brother in law gives him this piece of wisdom: A wink from a pretty girl at a party doesn't always result in climax, but only a fool won't take the opportunity to find out." Oh good encourage Mr. Horny Pants who everyone wants to settle down to screw every pretty girl he meets. That'll work really well.
So Woman having Multiple lovers = bad. But men having multiple lovers (even if they're married women) = good. This sounds like a guy's sex fantasy to me. But then again... we knew that from the beginning, didn't we?
Fredrick (the brother-in-law who apparently trained Triscuit as a child, which is kinda ew since he's married to the twin sister) and Triscuit go for a walk. Tristcuit gives the "Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not a prince" speech that every Rebellious Elrond's second daughter doe.. I mean um... every rebellious prince gives.
Then for no particular reason, Fredrick and Triscuit wrestle. Or beat each other up. I'm not really sure. I think it's supposed to be male bonding. But it's rather pointless. Fredrick tries to jump on top of him. That's the actual phrasing. The contractor guy wanted to jump my mother...and not in a mud wrestling way. I wonder if cheating with other men is okay in this world.
Fredrick walks away after their little tryst and Triscuit has to think for some reason, "A good man and the father of Shailiha's unborn child." Was there any doubt about this? Does Sister have a born child who isn't fathered by Fredrick? What was the point of that statement?
And finally Triscuit goes back and sits where he started. And I'm not really sure what that interlude accomplished. We learned that Triscuit doesn't trust Natasha, but that could have been told to us in a different way and that he's having man sex with his brother in law. Which I guess is okay... but um... doesn't really progress the plot along.
So, yes. That's chapter three.
We meet She. She is riding in a coach for over six days. She hates traveling with out her chef or maid servants because it's common. But She's traveling in an ornate coach with six black stallions. What sort of fucking moron travels drawn with six stallions? They get anywhere near a mare and there's going to be one less coach. And one less She in the coach.
She gives us a Dire Proclamation #4 Soon I will never again travel to kneel before anyone. They will travel to kneel before me.
And then a Natasha of the House of Minaar, duchess of the province of Ephyra shows up. I don't know where She went. However our Duchess hasn't worn a pentangle in over three hundred years. GASP I think our EVIL missing Sorceress just showed up. It takes Newcomb two pages to tell us that she's a sorceress. He tries to be clever by giving us blatant hints as to her identity. I mean she muses about her hair and sex life before she starts to even think about her powers. She also contemplates how much she hates everything. And then there are Typical Thoughts Of Revenge.
We get a musing of her past. Apparently she too is Just That Special. At the age of five she could read from the Book of Sex Ed when no one else could. She was the first one to do it. And all the wizards were amazed and pushed her out of the way and she was sad. And her father was a bastard apparently. Because he was a guy. Some pretty ladies came by and took her away and she was happy because she was five and mad at her father so that would show them! It actually says pretty ladies. Blah, training, blah hiding. Blah those Sorceresses that were sent in Exile didn't die. Blah wait for the Chosen Ones. Revenge. Destruction. Hatred of all men. Blah.
Switch to Triscuit! For some reason he's just sitting around in his red stained pants and not going up to his rooms and changing. There is no reason given for this. He just is. I hate "He just is". No one does that. It's like the whole Evil thing. Why are they evil? They just are. I mean, if it was something like a potted plant on your head, people would want a reason for it besides, "I just do". Triscuit Obviously doesn't want to be there, but he's still there. Why? He just is.
Apparently it's so that he can meet up with Natasha. Conveniently meet her. In a totally random way. Yes. Triscuit was just randomly sitting there for no apparent reason so that he could randomly meet up with Natasha. Yup.It's all random. Not at all contrived by the author. Nope. Triscuit was just sitting there and Natasha just happened to walk by where Triscuit was sitting for no apparent reason in his dirty clothes that he wanted to change.
Oh apparently he's sitting around waiting to be called by the wizards' council. We just weren't told that three pages ago. ANYWAY. Natasha and Triscuit talk.
He had never liked this woman, despite the fact that since her marriage to Duke Baldric Duke Baldric? O.o she had somehow become a good friend of his mother's. He reminded himself of the fact that she was obviously much closer to his own age than to that of her husband, and also of the reputation she had slowly garnered since her marriage. It had been whispered in political circles for years that she had taken many lovers, but she was nonetheless received courteously at court due to the importance of the province of Ephyra to the nation as a whole. His mother apparently either did not know of the woman's indiscretions or chose to be gracious enough to ignore them.
Because, you know, no one ever cheats on their spouse, especially in the nobby nob circles. And really, isn't he just as bad as her for taking all those lovers and not staying with just one.
Oh and did you notice, He doesn't like her for SOME reason? Even though EVERYONE else does? Ten bucks says that some time later he'll go, "He knew he shouldn't have trusted her" or something to that effect. He has the Special Sue Sense that lets him pick out EVIL when no one else can. It allows him to be self righteous later in the book and tell everyone, "I told you so! Why didn't you listen to me?"
Apparently while it's bad for Natasha to have many lovers, it's okay for Triscuit to have a flirtation with a married woman. Double standard much?
She smiled with her eyes over the fan as it continued its seductive path back and forth. Had this woman been anyone else the prince might have been intrigued and only too glad to join her in the beginnings of a flirtation, despite the fact that she was married. But not with her. And not tonight.
And then his brother in law gives him this piece of wisdom: A wink from a pretty girl at a party doesn't always result in climax, but only a fool won't take the opportunity to find out." Oh good encourage Mr. Horny Pants who everyone wants to settle down to screw every pretty girl he meets. That'll work really well.
So Woman having Multiple lovers = bad. But men having multiple lovers (even if they're married women) = good. This sounds like a guy's sex fantasy to me. But then again... we knew that from the beginning, didn't we?
Fredrick (the brother-in-law who apparently trained Triscuit as a child, which is kinda ew since he's married to the twin sister) and Triscuit go for a walk. Tristcuit gives the "Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not a prince" speech that every Rebellious Elrond's second daughter doe.. I mean um... every rebellious prince gives.
Then for no particular reason, Fredrick and Triscuit wrestle. Or beat each other up. I'm not really sure. I think it's supposed to be male bonding. But it's rather pointless. Fredrick tries to jump on top of him. That's the actual phrasing. The contractor guy wanted to jump my mother...and not in a mud wrestling way. I wonder if cheating with other men is okay in this world.
Fredrick walks away after their little tryst and Triscuit has to think for some reason, "A good man and the father of Shailiha's unborn child." Was there any doubt about this? Does Sister have a born child who isn't fathered by Fredrick? What was the point of that statement?
And finally Triscuit goes back and sits where he started. And I'm not really sure what that interlude accomplished. We learned that Triscuit doesn't trust Natasha, but that could have been told to us in a different way and that he's having man sex with his brother in law. Which I guess is okay... but um... doesn't really progress the plot along.
So, yes. That's chapter three.
