The Red Waters Flow

[kippurbird]

Triscuit wakes up at the bottom of a hole. I don't know how far he fell, but I'm sure he'll be fine. He worries that he might be blind, because he's in a dark hole. And he doesn't remember how he got there. Convenient that. Or at least... I'm not really sure what the point of that is. Apparently they thank the afterlife for things instead of God or gods. Thanking dead people...or thank the place that.... OHHHHH I get it. He's thanking heaven, but Newcomb is being clever and having him thank the Afterlife instead of Heaven. Ahahhaa... it is to laugh.

Okay, he fell down a deep cavern and he only has some bumps and bruises. He is made of Jello our Triscuit is. Ew... Jello and Triscuits. Naaaasty. A hundred foot cavern, apparently. And he's fine. Just some bumps and bruises. Hundred foot fall. Only bumps and bruises. Jello. Or marshmallow... marshmallows are less nasty with Triscuits than Jello. He gets out of the hole by a convenient staircase. An old crumbling convenient staircase that leads back up to where Triscuit fell. Because he didn't fall down the staircase on the way down, I think it's also a magically appearing old crumbling convenient staircase.

Once on top he ties up his dorse and goes back down after making the hole bigger. There's a convenient torch at the bottom.

He loosened a few more stones and peered down again, trying to make out the same. It looked as if it was mounted on the wall near the bottom of the step.

A torch!

Carefully, slowly, he made his way back down, not knowing whether he was doing the right thing. His mind and body had certainly had enough punishment for one day, but his curiosity was overpowering him. The great rushing noise filled his ears again, hammering his senses with all its fury. It seemed always to go onward, unabated and unrelenting. And yet the sound was frustratingly familiar.

When he reached the bottom step, he could see that his discover was indeed a wall torch.

Isn't that convenient?

Next time I fall down a hole I want a convenient wall torch. Perhaps Triscuit found on some convenient cushions on the floor of the dark hole. In fact there are many convenient torches that lead down a convenient tunnel where there's a con- sorry a mysterious cavern with mysterious pants that have grown without sunlight. Somehow... his knives ended up down this mysterious tunnel far from where he fell. Apparently they walked there. There is mysterious writing on the mysterious cavern wall. And then get gets mysteriously dizzy and looks at the mysterious water that makes him mysteriously curious.

The mysterious water is red....

The mysterious water in the mysterious cavern is red. And it mysteriously makes him want go into it. Naked.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

And he doesn't even question this.

It's all nice and warm inside this pool of red.

There are also those mysterious magical butterflies, who leave Triscuit in the magical pool of red water.

The prince of Eutracia remained alone in the warm pool. He felt wonderful, except his raging thirst. He had never felt anything like it. It was almost as if the water were begging to be consumed by him. No other need -no hunger, no pain, no pleasure - had in his entire life been this compelling. His breath became ragged and uneven as his body and mind joined in the almost sexual need for the fluid that swirled around him. He looked longingly again at the water.

New sort of Viagra...?

He doesn't have sex drink the water. Instead he gets out of the pool.

Suddenly he gets nervous about being in the cave. No really. All of a sudden he gets nervous about the cave and so he decides to leave. And then he finds a mysterious tunnel, man made this time. He walks in and he's thrown out with a flash and bang.

SOMEONE SHOT HIM YAY!!

He has a comma of hair. He has punctuation for hair. How the hell does that work?

There's a force field across the mysterious man made tunnel.

Yay?

Triscuit goes back upstairs.

And Triscuit's dark hair gets mentioned for the third time. He gets out of the cave, decides not to mention it to anyone and come back after he's king. SOMETHING tells him that he must come back. Yes. SOMETHING. That all mysterious gee I can't think of something realistic to use so I'll just say SOMETHING wants him to come back.

It probably wants him to impregnate the red water.

Comments

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Is it just me, or does that mysterious, warm red water make you think of something else that is mysterious, red, and water-like? BLEEECH! Disgusting! D: Just...ew. I'm really hard to squick, and that is beyond squicky. Yuck.

Gah. Sorry I got so hung up on that. Murr....>.>

I'm curious; what compelled him to get out of the 'water' he so badly wanted to drink? Did it say, or was it just, "Lust lust lust - meh, I'm done."

I wonder how many more squicky things will happen before this story is over? And will they be worse than the red 'water'? 8D

[anarchicq.livejournal.com]

Following the incest vibes, what if it was a pool of his sister's menstrual blood? Have fun sleeping tonight!

In other news, While reading that, all I could think of was Type O Negative's X-mas song "Red Water (Christmas Mourning).

"Red water. Red water. Take me away."

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes it does. But I refused to say it.

I'm curious; what compelled him to get out of the 'water' he so badly wanted to drink? Did it say, or was it just, "Lust lust lust - meh, I'm done."

Pretty much that.

I wonder how many more squicky things will happen before this story is over? And will they be worse than the red 'water'?

Probably a lot. We haven't even gotten to any sex yet.

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Oh god this story's getting worse than my purposely bad parody fic. If you don't believe me, go to my LJ and look at my latest parody fic entry.

Triscuit is a moron. He sees a red pool that compells him to get in it, there's a manmade tunnel that shoots him and he's not going to tell anybody about it? Unless he's completely under the thrall of the sorceresses, danger signas should be going off in his mind. Here's something that could potentially be a danger to the kingdom and he's not going to tell ANYONE? Am I the only one who thinks that he should be heading to a nasty death?

Stupid dorse, not telling him what an idiot he's being. Then again, animal familiars never seem to criticize their masters in bad books. Triscuit probably won't die either, much as I would like him to. Even Eragon didn't have me wishing for his death this quickly into the books.

Having my Mary Sue "gaze verdantly over the verdant green hills" is starting to look good compared to this. Then again, maybe not.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Triscuit is a moron. He sees a red pool that compells him to get in it, there's a manmade tunnel that shoots him and he's not going to tell anybody about it?

How else is he going to find the mysterious secrets of the cave by himself if he tells everyone?

Am I the only one who thinks that he should be heading to a nasty death?


He already survived a hundred foot drop with only bruises. As much as you wish, he's not.

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Heroes never die in this type of bad fantasy novel. It's gotten to the point where I prefer A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin where anyone can die a nasty death.

As long as Triscuit doesn't "gaze verdantly over the verdant green hills" or some nonsense similar to that, then this book won't strain my sanity too much. If does however, expect some parody fic from me.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Of course not. How else is he supposed to win?


As long as Triscuit doesn't "gaze verdantly over the verdant green hills" or some nonsense similar to that, then this book won't strain my sanity too much. If does however, expect some parody fic from me.

I'll keep that in mind.

[wariena.livejournal.com]

... please tell me he got dressed at some point. Please. I've already had smexxed-up viagra pools and beefy wrestler!wizards, the last thing I need is nekkid!Triscuit.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes. He got dressed after he got out of the viagra pools.

[wariena.livejournal.com]

Thank god. That's slightly less disturbing. =)

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Just bumps and bruises, huh? From a fall like that?
Yeah, I know they did it in "Everworld" (yes, I often make "Everworld" references for stuff like this because so far they're the only fantasy novels that break a lot of rules, stereotypes, and clichés without actually being cliché and annoying), but it was also established that there was some serious reality-defying magic going on to slow them down during the fall.
Alexander survived a plunge from great height, too, but we'll just say telekinesis and sheer stubbornness saved him.

Maybe Triscuit is just so stupid that he sort of...bounces when he hits the ground. Guess we'll have to find some other method of killing this Gary Stu, then.

Initially I thought "dorse" was a typo, until I thought "haha, it's a dog/horse. I get it. Hahaha" and stuff.

Or marshmallow... marshmallows are less nasty with Triscuits than Jello.

Thank you. That was tea you almost had me spit out. But then again, when I read Triscuit's "almost sexual need" to drink the red water, that was more than enough to do it for me without your snark. Good god, what the hell? No I mean seriously, what the fucking hell? I....

No.

No words.

No words....

[wariena.livejournal.com]

AHHHEVERWORLDFAN. *clings* NEVER leave my side!

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Haha. How you doin'?

Yay for "Everworld" fans! We are a rare breed. Most people I know are usually like, "What's thaaat?"

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Just bumps and bruises, huh? From a fall like that?

Yes. And he's perfectly fine, if a bit sore.

Thank you. That was tea you almost had me spit out. But then again, when I read Triscuit's "almost sexual need" to drink the red water, that was more than enough to do it for me without your snark. Good god, what the hell? No I mean seriously, what the fucking hell?

How would you even have sex with water...? Or blood...? That's what I want to know.

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

The mysterious water is red....

The mysterious water in the mysterious cavern is red.

It's an uncrystalized philosopher's stone!...Man, I've been watching too much Fullmetal Alchemist Does anyone else besides me get the feeling the author gave up on the story at this point, and decided to throw in whatever junk sounded cool or mysterious instead of working out a plot?

And, again with the sexual references. Maybe this is the author's sexual fantasy in written form? I've heard weirder, but I wish he'd stop it.

[b2wm.livejournal.com]

Well, you and me both. I saw "comma of hair" and immediately thought Alex Armstrong.

Speaking of: The summary wins.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Does anyone else besides me get the feeling the author gave up on the story at this point, and decided to throw in whatever junk sounded cool or mysterious instead of working out a plot?

You're assuming there was a plot in the first place.

Maybe this is the author's sexual fantasy in written form?

Bingo.

[dracorn-adagio.livejournal.com]

Standing in a pool of warm, red liquid that he wants to drink with a "sexual" need?

...Ew. Isn't that unhygienic?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

No. It's Mysterious.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

I don't care whether it's magic viagra blood or magic viagra kool-aid, if Triscuit had any sense he wouldn't bathe in it, he'd flee it. But it's already been established that there's a decided lack of sense in this book. *sigh*

Still, I'd rather read the version in which he ran screaming from the cave back to the court and tried to explain the scary red pool and magic butterflies...and everyone just assumed he was playing crazy to get out of being crowned king. But maybe that's just me.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Still, I'd rather read the version in which he ran screaming from the cave back to the court and tried to explain the scary red pool and magic butterflies...and everyone just assumed he was playing crazy to get out of being crowned king. But maybe that's just me

That would be interesting.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

He... he has a fetish for MENSTRUAL BLOOD?! O_o Oh gad, that's worse than anything I've seen. Oh, wait, I went on Encyclopedia Dramatica for a while. It isn't worse. Maybe he was watching Evangelion or something, and fell asleep?

...A COMMA of hair? *stares*

And being told by SOMETHING is ludicrous. Can't he be a bit more descriptive?

"No... his curiosity nagged him. Surely, now that he knew about the cave, he should investigate more? He might never remember to come back - he knew he was forgetful.

His better judgment warred with his stupidity. As he knew it would, his stupidity won out, and he ventured back inside."

"He took a step outside. He would flee, and not come back. Or, perhaps, he would come back with a wizard or two for backup. And a few knights. Yes, that sounded nice.

But something nagged him... a feeling like none he had ever had before exhorted him to come back to the red pool. It was like a fire, a fire that twitched and throbbed inside him, a fire spreading from his loins to his fevered head. Breathing heavily, he turned around and dashed back inside. He must go and seek the pool once again... He had no choice."
>_> Sick in the head? Who? Me? I was thinking of a dramatic magical call, but I think this works better... *snort*

...Butterflies. BUTTERFLIES?! Any man who deals with magical butterflies... Uh, this explains why his phallic objects may not be so manly... XD

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes. Butterflies. But he's not on drugs.