drinking game! Stupid reviews!

Well, we've gotten a good sample of the book so far so, I think it's time for our Drinking Game!

Take a Drink

*For an "As You Know Bob"
*It takes him over a page to name a character.
*There's a mention of rape
*There's a mention of the EVIL SORCERESSES who did something EVIL
*Tristan whines about having to become king
*Pilgrim acts like a dog
*Homoerotic subtext from Tristan
*Wigg with holds necessary information because they don't need to know it yet
*Someone sheds a single tear
*The Ancient Prophecy is mentioned
*The Chosen Ones are mentioned
*Newcomb does something stupid with his text/word choice

Any other suggestions?

Also I was looking at the Five Star Reviews on Amazon. Here's a few choice ones:

Truly unique fantasy book. Finally a fantasy work that is not a Tolkien/Arthurian re-hash. Has very thought provoking dominance/submission sexual undercurrents (prudes should look elsewhere)and a fresh take on magic. The author has a true understanding of man's eternal struggle to deal with real women and their usually domineering nature

*sniggers* Man's eternal struggle to deal with real women and their usually domineering nature. I think someone has issues with women. Perhaps mother issues? Most people seem to think it's the other way around.

One of the greatest books ever written. In terms of character Newcomb's done it, he has come up with one of the best character lines up ever in a single book. Men = Good Woman = Bad is an entirely new concept that works very well. The actual plot itself is vivid, he leaves no stone unturned and keesp you wanting more. Im no speed reader but this was a page turner, finished the whole thing (what, 700 ish pages?) in around 3 days.. considering I can read a clancy novel in 2 weeks thats amazingly fast. Great book, if you have even the slightest or smallest idea of getting this book, dont let the idiots who wrote bad reviews spoil an amazing adventure, BUY THIS BOOK!

Men = good, women = bad is a new concept? Riiiiiight.

The Red Waters Flow

Triscuit wakes up at the bottom of a hole. I don't know how far he fell, but I'm sure he'll be fine. He worries that he might be blind, because he's in a dark hole. And he doesn't remember how he got there. Convenient that. Or at least... I'm not really sure what the point of that is. Apparently they thank the afterlife for things instead of God or gods. Thanking dead people...or thank the place that.... OHHHHH I get it. He's thanking heaven, but Newcomb is being clever and having him thank the Afterlife instead of Heaven. Ahahhaa... it is to laugh.

Okay, he fell down a deep cavern and he only has some bumps and bruises. He is made of Jello our Triscuit is. Ew... Jello and Triscuits. Naaaasty. A hundred foot cavern, apparently. And he's fine. Just some bumps and bruises. Hundred foot fall. Only bumps and bruises. Jello. Or marshmallow... marshmallows are less nasty with Triscuits than Jello. He gets out of the hole by a convenient staircase. An old crumbling convenient staircase that leads back up to where Triscuit fell. Because he didn't fall down the staircase on the way down, I think it's also a magically appearing old crumbling convenient staircase.

Once on top he ties up his dorse and goes back down after making the hole bigger. There's a convenient torch at the bottom.

He loosened a few more stones and peered down again, trying to make out the same. It looked as if it was mounted on the wall near the bottom of the step.

A torch!

Carefully, slowly, he made his way back down, not knowing whether he was doing the right thing. His mind and body had certainly had enough punishment for one day, but his curiosity was overpowering him. The great rushing noise filled his ears again, hammering his senses with all its fury. It seemed always to go onward, unabated and unrelenting. And yet the sound was frustratingly familiar.

When he reached the bottom step, he could see that his discover was indeed a wall torch.

Isn't that convenient?

Next time I fall down a hole I want a convenient wall torch. Perhaps Triscuit found on some convenient cushions on the floor of the dark hole. In fact there are many convenient torches that lead down a convenient tunnel where there's a con- sorry a mysterious cavern with mysterious pants that have grown without sunlight. Somehow... his knives ended up down this mysterious tunnel far from where he fell. Apparently they walked there. There is mysterious writing on the mysterious cavern wall. And then get gets mysteriously dizzy and looks at the mysterious water that makes him mysteriously curious.

The mysterious water is red....

The mysterious water in the mysterious cavern is red. And it mysteriously makes him want go into it. Naked.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

And he doesn't even question this.

It's all nice and warm inside this pool of red.

There are also those mysterious magical butterflies, who leave Triscuit in the magical pool of red water.

The prince of Eutracia remained alone in the warm pool. He felt wonderful, except his raging thirst. He had never felt anything like it. It was almost as if the water were begging to be consumed by him. No other need -no hunger, no pain, no pleasure - had in his entire life been this compelling. His breath became ragged and uneven as his body and mind joined in the almost sexual need for the fluid that swirled around him. He looked longingly again at the water.

New sort of Viagra...?

He doesn't have sex drink the water. Instead he gets out of the pool.

Suddenly he gets nervous about being in the cave. No really. All of a sudden he gets nervous about the cave and so he decides to leave. And then he finds a mysterious tunnel, man made this time. He walks in and he's thrown out with a flash and bang.

SOMEONE SHOT HIM YAY!!

He has a comma of hair. He has punctuation for hair. How the hell does that work?

There's a force field across the mysterious man made tunnel.

Yay?

Triscuit goes back upstairs.

And Triscuit's dark hair gets mentioned for the third time. He gets out of the cave, decides not to mention it to anyone and come back after he's king. SOMETHING tells him that he must come back. Yes. SOMETHING. That all mysterious gee I can't think of something realistic to use so I'll just say SOMETHING wants him to come back.

It probably wants him to impregnate the red water.