And the spirit bear touches Cole.

[kippurbird]

Reader's Warning

If you thought last chapter was unbelievable, you're going to have to grab your bleach, binkies and put a pillow on top of your desk to prevent brain damage. Also, a strong supply of liquor is highly recommended.


Having dispensed with that warning, we proceed with due caution.

Cole throws his stick at the bear. Which knocks it away with remarkable ease. And then the bear attacks him. This is a very happy moment in the book. The bear beats the living shit out of him. His pelvis cracks, his chest is racked by claws, his right arm is broken by a bite, he's thrown around, and his ribs are cracked or broken. And then the bear leaves him alone.

He doesn't die.

He's probably bleeding internally, a bone is sticking out of his arm, he's bleeding profusely from several gaping wounds, and he doesn't die. Oh, and it's raining. Blood is in his throat for him to choke on.

And he doesn't die.

However, he does go on agonizingly about wondering if he's going to die or not.

Then apparently the seagulls are eating his flesh.

"Cole stared down at his chest. The bear's claws had raked him open. His shredded shirt exposed gashes with long strips of flesh missing. One of the gulls squawked as it stole a stringy piece of meat and skin from another gull. Cole realized that the gulls were fight over bits of his own flesh."

Cole gets angry... of course, because how dare these seagulls treat him like some other animal? After all he's Cole Matthews and better than everyone. In his continuing brilliance we get this train of thought from him, "The mauling didn't make sense. In the past, everything had always been afraid of him. Why wasn't the bear scared? A bear with half a brain would have turned tail and run. Instead, this dumb animal had attacked. Now it wandered out in the woods somewhere, the mauling little more than an inconvenience to its morning."

He knows very little about animals, doesn't he? Usually, things twice your size aren't going to go running from you. Unless they're a prey animal. Which a bear is most definitely not. He managed to get some bear hair in his hand and thinks to himself that no bear would willingly give it up... as opposed to shed... or something.

Cole is in pain. He tries to move. He can't. He looks at his arm. There's a bone sticking out near the elbow and his fingers are all puffy from the Devil's Club.

There's more agonizing about how he's all alone and doesn't belong and won't be able to survive because he doesn't have any shelter or food. Things that he would have had if he hadn't stupidly burnt them all in the first chapters. But you see, that would require foresight and a brain. Which Cole lacks in both cases.

What is happening here is that the author is trying to make us feel sorry for Cole, lying there, bleeding to death cold and alone. The problem is, we don't care about Cole. We're happy that he got mauled and might be dying. He doesn't have any of our sympathy. He never did from the first pages of the book. So, what we see, when we read this, is annoying angst and Cole having all the brains of a sea urchin. We just don't care about him.

And then, to help matters, he squishes a caterpillar. Why? Because it crawled to close to him.

Wasn't that just the most random thing ever? I know I think so!

He passes out... and doesn't die.

No, really. He's that seriously injured, and he doesn't die.

Instead he wakes up and feels sorry for himself.

Comments

Cole/Garvey OTP!!1!

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Later, Cole woke up in a nice warm bed, next to a fireplace, with hot cocoa ready for him by the nightstand. With agony searing through his eyes, he saw Garvey awaiting for him by a table in a corner, his face lit by a dim candlelight with a smile so suggestive it made Cole's blood run cold.

Shit.... Cole thought, when he realized he wasn't wearing anything.

Re: Cole/Garvey OTP!!1!

[berseker.livejournal.com]

Hey, now we´re talking. Cole/Garvey dubiousconsent!fic, yay.

Re: Cole/Garvey OTP!!1!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

<3

[berseker.livejournal.com]

Ah, no, I still think Eragon picking up a teeth from the floor was the most randon thing. But this comes very close.

Anyway. Now he learned something. Touching the spirit bear might be bad for your health. And the sea gulls thing... yuck. Ouch. As in, OUCH.

Still, I have to admit that I coudn´t care less. I´m actually glad that finally someone (something?) gave him the spanking he needed so very very much. Which probably wasn´t what the author was going for.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

What makes you think he's learned anything?

[berseker.livejournal.com]

Good point.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

Touching the spirit bear might be bad for your health.

It might turn you blind and give you hair palms.

[spoofmaster]

Uuuugh, and he doesn't even learn anything! WTF!!

And the seagull thing is very ew. Mostly...this sounds pretty "ewww! ...now die and get it over with."

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Nope. He doesn't learn a thing. Because you know, the bear doesn't have a damn bit of brains. But this is a bit of a pot/kettle situation.

Also <3 Icon.

[(Anonymous)]

So he’s still alive? Great.

Let’s recap, he’s anti-social, doesn’t hesitate to kill things and is apparently immortal.
He’d make a great villain, I’ll give him that much.

-NK

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't he? I mean, look at all the people who want him dead.

[yattara.livejournal.com]

*boggles* Given what I know about bears, he should be dead and eaten by now. Really, like the bear'd be scared of him.

And like, he's getting eaten by birds (*hopes they don't die of poisoning*), that really isn't good for your chances of recovery.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yeah, unfortunately there's more of the book left, so he's not going to die.

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Hey, the story can continue even after you die.

(i.e. Ravine can attest to this.)

[ghostgecko.livejournal.com]

Kip, I think it's time to put this book down and go watch Herzog's "Grizzly Man". Trust me, if you haven't seen it it will make you feel MUCH better.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Is that the documentary where the guy spends time with the bears and then gets eaten? =D

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, though he was much smarter than Cole. There is footage from a week before he died of him pointing to the bear that ate him and saying, "This is the type of bear that's most likely to eat someone!"

Speaking of which, have you seen the author's pictures of his pet bear?

http://www.benmikaelsen.com/buffys_corner.htm

[spoofmaster]

*Facepalm*

From the way he tells it, the fact that he took the bear in sounds reasonable...BUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. "I have a pet bear, so I'm qualified to write wilderness novels!"

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Well, he could have done research.

[spoofmaster]

...I miss Gary Paulsen. Couldn't the teacher have just assigned them to read Hatchet?

...better yet, this sporking is making me want to reread Winterdance: The Fine Madness of Running the Iditarod. It'll soothe my outrage at the lack of wilderness knowledge demonstrated by Monsieur Mikaelsen and his "protagonist" (word in quotes because protagonists are supposed to actually develop).

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Drive-by icon love.

[ghostgecko.livejournal.com]

Yep! It's a terrific movie, and that guy, Timothy Treadwell is the most amazingly obnoxious annoying human being I've ever seen. If he was a character in a book, you'd be rolling your eyes at how unbeleiveable he was. As my sister said when we watched it, it's amazing the bears took as long as they did to snap and eat him (which they probably only did to shut him up). Seriously, watch it when you're done slogging thru this.

[lauramcvey.livejournal.com]

WHY? *sob* WHY WON'T HE DIE? All of the characters I love either die or get butchered by an egomaniac author? WHy not a character I hate for a change?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Because you touch your spirit bear at night.

[syderia]

Heh, I got the html code to make stuff blink in and out. Thank you! /geek>

Ok, considering the extent of his injuries, the fact that he's on a island in Alaska, without fire or shelter, he should be dead.

There's more agonizing about how he's all alone and doesn't belong and won't be able to survive because he doesn't have any shelter or food.
He also won't be able to survive because he got badly hurt stupidly attacking a bear.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but apparently the author doesn't exist in a reality that we know of. Perhaps it's in that same reality that Sue Author's live in.

[dryaunda.livejournal.com]

"Cole stared down at his chest. The bear's claws had raked him open. His shredded shirt exposed gashes with long strips of flesh missing. One of the gulls squawked as it stole a stringy piece of meat and skin from another gull. Cole realized that the gulls were fight over bits of his own flesh."

Damn, so much for his resale value; who'd want a pre-scared slave?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*giggles horribly.*

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Oh, vomit. That was NOT NECESSARY.

Dear author: physical empathy does not equate to sympathy. Please STFU and stop making me want to throw up.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You mean you don't sympathize with poor beaten up Cole? *GASP*

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, no.

Did those passages make me squirm and squick and feel completely uncomfortable? Yes. Does that make them compelling literature? No.

And I thought only bad horror writers made this mistake.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Well, we've already come to the conclusion that this writer has no idea on what he's talking about.

[christinaathena.livejournal.com]

And he doesn't die.

However, he does go on agonizingly about wondering if he's going to die or not.

He's the Highlander! Now we're talking! We just need Duncan MacCloud to come along and chop off his head!

And then, to help matters, he squishes a caterpillar. Why? Because it crawled to close to him.

Wasn't that just the most random thing ever? I know I think so!

I guess it's supposed to show how Cole still hasn't learned his lesson? He's been mauled by something far more powerful than himself, and yet he's still doing the same to those less powerful than himself.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

He's the Highlander! Now we're talking! We just need Duncan MacCloud to come along and chop off his head!

Or maybe the Spirit Bear will rip it off for him.