(no subject)

[kippurbird]

*gnaws on Miss Formulaic*

Going through her selection and ... this just showed up.



Profiler some how has figured out who the next victim is going to be by looking at her DMV photo. He then rushes off Policewoman with him. This is the next we see them:

Sitting in the passenger seat, especially in her own car, felt strange to Nicole. How long had it been since she let someone else drive? When Ruben and she went anywhere they either drove separately or she would drive. She just didn’t like feeling out of control.

Even now she struggled to keep quiet while she figured out what the hell Kent was doing pulling into the shopping mall’s parking lot without having to ask him, but she couldn’t resist any more. “So, we’re going to do a little shopping before we track her down?”

“Watch and learn.”

They pulled to a stop, and Kent removed his safety belt then slouched down into the seat, getting comfy.

Incredulous, Nicole reviewed the DMV file. “This target, this woman… This Rebecca is a meter maid.”

“I believe they prefer to be called parking regulation enforcers.” Kent looked out the corner of his eye at her. “You little sexist.”

The profiler’s mood had changed from night and day, literally. The night before, Kent was sullen, angry. Even just a few hours ago he was snide and defensive. Now he was on a high. Harbinger had the scent. He was a hound on a fox, baying for the joy of it.

Nicole scanned the parking lot. “Whichever, there aren’t any parking meters for miles.”

Kent pulled the lever and brought his seat back to an even more comfortable position, ignoring her completely.

More forceful, Nicole asked, “Why would she be here?”

“Even ‘meter maids’ have to eat,” Kent said as he closed his eyes.

The detective looked into the glass-encased food court before them. Hundred of people streamed in and out, but no sign of a meter maid.

“Kent, there have got to be seven hundred different places to eat within her grid. Why would she--”

A meter maid’s cart driving past them, stopped the detective in her tracks. God, Nicole hated it when Kent was so right that it made your head hurt . She turned on the profiler. “How in the hell did you know?”

Okay, I'm fairly certain that my DMV doesn't have my job information. So, why is it there? Then, even if it did have her job description they never stopped to pick up any other information about her so how did they know where in the city did she work? They'd have to go back to Police Headquarters and look it up, which they never did, because Police woman is obviously surprised to learn that Victim is a meter maid. Then he knows where she's going to eat? All he has is her DMV information, nothing about her likes or dislikes or anything like that. You can't tell from a photograph that this person has a fondness for fondu and likes to eat at fast food restaurants or... just yes. He hasn't done any research. How does he know?


Then she has policewoman excuse his behavior (he stole someone's iPod) by saying "Even though, over and over again, Nicole reminded herself that Kent couldn’t help himself..."

That's not an excuse! The guy is a klepto and has serious personal issues, not being able to help himself is no excuse for him to break the law like he does!

Comments

*sputters* My brain...

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Incredulous, Nicole reviewed the DMV file. “This target, this woman… This Rebecca is a meter maid.”

... This is repetitive.

That's not an excuse! The guy is a klepto and has serious personal issues, not being able to help himself is no excuse for him to break the law like he does!

How did these people get hired? Also, what fucking formula was she following again? Didn't she write the one about gaining reader sympathy? These two seem like a pair of adventurers in a modern day fantasy setting. CHAOTIC EVIL adventurers. What fucking genre is she writing? You need to call her out on not even following her own damned pigeon-holing techniques. -_-

Re: *sputters* My brain...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Profiler is a genius at his job, and a Gary Stu and I think an author's darling.

She's writing, I think, Thriller. I'm not familiar with the genre but I can still call a cliche a mile away. She has apparently broken down several successful novels and is using whatever formula she found in them to write her stuff.

Yes, she was the one who wrote about gaining reader sympathy. No, it doesn't seem to be working.

Re: *sputters* My brain...

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

He's definitely a Gary Stu. You should probably explain to her why those sorts of characters tend to ruin any story they're in. :I

And mention how Law & Order was so awesome because the characters were restricted by the law. When they tried to work around a law, they tried working around it, not breaking it. When they did break it, there were some consequences. The stories of Law & Order had suspense.

Mr. Profiler knows everything and yet he inexplicably can't already stop the serial killer. This is ridiculous. The author has realized he should be able to conclude the story already and is just trying to stretch things out. Which destroys the suspense and makes every character seem stupid.

Re: *sputters* My brain...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

He is a Gary Stu. I've printed out Liymmel's essay on Author's darlings to give to her.

I'll mention Law & Order if I can think of a way.

And that's another good thing. Maybe I'll print out the essay on Suspense too to give to her.

Re: *sputters* My brain...

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

That is an excellent idea. You could also share the URL of Limyaael's LJ with the guy writing fantasy (whenever the formula chick isn't looking.) Or just share what you've printed with the entire group. The discussion alone should tell you how everyone feels about it. If they -all- wrinkle up their noses at Limyaael's essays, without a somewhat solid explanation as to why, then run from that group like your writing soul depends upon it. XD

Incidentally, how did the group respond to your own writing? :)

Re: *sputters* My brain...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

They like my writing a lot. They think that my current story is a bit on the plotless side, and they may be right about it, but I'm trying to get the events in order before I construct the plot.

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

Sitting in the passenger seat, especially in her own car, felt strange to Nicole.

So, why is she? It's her damn car, if she wants to drive then she should drive.

She just didn’t like feeling out of control.

Oh, well then. Now it makes perfect sense! *rolls eyes*

As for this ridiculous stakeout, watching the food court from the parking lot is a tremendously bad idea. First of all, no mall would put a food court on the outer wall; food courts are placed centrally, so that potential consumers have to walk through the mall twice to eat, once in and once out. And even assuming you could find a mall that put the food court out there, none would put a parking light right up against it, because who the heck wants to look at cars while you eat? Best case scenario, you'd be looking across a good thirty feet of open space, containing a sidewalk and two lanes of roadway. And plus, even if you manage to snag a closest-row parking space, by no means even remotely a guarantee at lunch time at a shopping mall, you're only going to be able to see the first row or so of tables clearly. If the meter reader hadn't literally driven right past them they'd likely never have spotted her, especially with Kent, for the gods alone know what reason, all slouched down like that. Because sitting in a car in a parking lot indefinitely isn't suspicious enough, of course. You want to slouch down, really draw maximum attention to your Creepy Stalker self.

As for the iPod thing, c'mon. Even House isn't a big enough dick to steal something that pricey, and if the Cottages, Wilson or Cuddy found out they'd damn sure make him give it back.

[(Anonymous)]

For the record, Bayshore Mall in Eureka, California does indeed contain a food court which can be observed from the parking lot.

http://humboldtdining.com/restaurants/photos/bayshore.gif

However, if one were looking for a particular person eating there, one would be better off just going in and sitting down.

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

And even assuming you could find a mall that put the food court out there, none would put a parking light right up against it

You're right, but that's why I slipped in that little disclaimer there. Notice there's quite a wide sidewalk and greenspace area, and then what appears to be a wide two-way street.

Food Courts

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

However, if one were looking for a particular person eating there, one would be better off just going in and sitting down.

This is very true.

BESIDES, if the LAST PERSON whom he KNEW would be targeted was KILLED IN SPITE OF HIS ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER... don't you think he'd be INSANELY careful this time? Don't you think he'd want to stay with her CONSTANTLY? Undercover, perhaps, but CONSTANTLY. I mean, what exactly is he getting paid FOR? Does his job cover surveillance of potential victims or doesn't it? At the very least, if he was with her when she died then perhaps he could SEE WHO THE KILLER IS and give testimony to get the guy in jail! What the hell is wrong with him that he decides to steal his ex-girlfriend's car, while she is in it, and pull a stake out with her? That is asking for a distraction if ever there was one. :(

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Profiler stole her car, that's why she's in the passenger seat.

It is a bit of a plot hole, isn't it?

[gjohnsonkoehn.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. So at least we know that her spineless acceptance of his kleptomania isn't just her not caring about others; she genuinely can't stand up to this ridiuclously Gary Stu even when what he's doing makes her personally uncomfortable and involves stealing her own goods. Nice to know.

Yes, it's a rather major one. Especially since surveillance isn't a matter for a profiler; this guy is way outside his job description, presumably not getting paid for it, and is apparently reall bad at it.

Hey, maybe that's how that other victim got killed! Profiler was just so terribly bad at his job that she was killed while he was watching from fifty feet away slumped down in a car seat!

[emily-goddess.livejournal.com]

She just didn’t like feeling out of control.

"Out of control" is not the same thing as "not in control." When I read "out of control," I think Nicole has lost the ability to think rationally and clearly and to control her impulses. That's not the same as simply not being the driver.

“I believe they prefer to be called parking regulation enforcers.” Kent looked out the corner of his eye at her. “You little sexist.”

"You little sexist" feels unnatural to me. No one says that. Anyway, he could just say "they prefer to be called..." and leave it at that - it's sufficiently snarky.

The profiler’s mood had changed from night and day, literally

I know what she's trying to say, but "from night and day" is grammatically wrong: you can't have "from" without "to." His mood could change "from night to day," or she could write, "the difference in his moods was literally the difference between night and day." Either one makes more sense.

Gah, her writing is terrible!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes, but she's writing to formula so it must be good! /sarcasm.

[emily-goddess.livejournal.com]

The difference is, most writers who write to a formula can actually string together a coherent sentence. That is (I assume) why they get published while the thousands of others who submit formulaic mystery manuscripts don't.

[emily-goddess.livejournal.com]

Also, I love the new journal layout. Is that your parakeet?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Yes. That's a photograph of Pepper. He's a real doll of a bird. I'm glad you like the new layout. :)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

But she also has a friend in the industry. So that gives her a bit of a foot in the door.

"You little sexist."

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

"You little sexist" feels unnatural to me. No one says that.

Obviously it was meant to be a joke but you're right. It doesn't need to be there. It might be the stupid kind of thing someone would add in RL because people tend to repeat themselves/continue trying to make a point long after they already did. But that sort of style doesn't work in fiction unless there is a pattern of it already present.

Not to mention, the way he says it would imply that he finds her sexism comments to be sensual or endearing or that he could be subtly cheering sexism on.