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Feb. 21st, 2007 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdSo, Miss Formulaic has sent the group the first one hundred pages of her novel about a serial killer. Here are some choice bits. The main characters is a Serial Profiler Genius, The Policewoman who used to be his lover, the Policewoman's partner and current lover.
Attention focused on the chick’s skirt so short that you could see the two rounded crescents of her ass;
There's something amusing about that.
The profiler had known Joann was the killer’s next prize. Known it in his gut every time she tucked her hair behind her ears. Known it in his groin each time she flashed that lop-sided smile. Kent had known and still couldn’t stop her from dying.
So... he got a hard on whenever she smiled and that's how he knew that the serial killer was going to kill her next? >> And is his groin smooth and hairless? Thank you Eldest for ruining that word for me.
Even though his partner dressed in a stern pantsuit, there was no mistaking that Nicole was a woman. Her blazer was open allowing a bit of cleavage to show. And it was only a miracle how she could run in those three-inch heels. But his partner was sensitive about her height. She didn’t want to look small. Frail. How anyone could look into her eyes and think her weak, Ruben would never know.
Now something about that bothers me. I don't know what. Perhaps the insistence that you couldn't mistake her for a man.
Once again, Kent had fucked up and once again left Nicole to clean up the mess. After her difficult childhood, raising her younger sister, and then working her way through college with no family help, she deserved far better than this. Far better than a profiler who abandoned her at every turn.
That's infodumpy.
After the president’s desperate call, Harbinger had boarded a plane in Chicago completely ignorant of the facts of the case and by the time he landed in Washington, Kent had solved the crime. Yep, the prick had cracked a masterful scheme that had brought the stock market tumbling down a thousand points and dropped the meat industry to its knees while he was snacking on the peanuts in first class.
And that's just... silly.
Sure enough, a pause in her footsteps and some muffled cursing. Kent knew her too well. He knew once out of the stairwell, exactly how many steps it would take her to get to her car. He knew she was using a new shampoo, because even though she took the time and energy to shop at a beauty supply house rather than the grocery store for her hair care products, she couldn’t resist a bargain. He knew the purse she carried was a Nine West original. Once she discovered this brand had pen and business card holders sewn right into the inner pocket, she hadn’t bought any other brand.
The thought brought a grin to his troubled lips. He knew her habits. Knew her moods. Knew her body better than she did. That’s how he knew she was four days away from her period. She would be at her most emotional, but also at the height of her sexual appetite.
And this is creepy. How am I supposed to root for this guy when he has creep factor written all over him?
And then the Profiler handcuffs Policewoman to the car and starts molesting her in front of the morgue, undoing her shirt and playing with her boobs. This is her response: "It was almost painful to breath. She could scream, but did she really want someone interrupting him?"
Nicole didn’t think it was possible, but Kent leaned in even closer, bringing his lips next to her ear. A millimeter and he would be kissing her. Telling her that he loved her, just like he used to. Only heightening the romanticism of the gesture, a light rain began to fall.
I'm sorry, but I could have sworn you were getting MOLESTED in the parking lot of the MORUGE! How is this ROMANTIC?!
Attention focused on the chick’s skirt so short that you could see the two rounded crescents of her ass;
There's something amusing about that.
The profiler had known Joann was the killer’s next prize. Known it in his gut every time she tucked her hair behind her ears. Known it in his groin each time she flashed that lop-sided smile. Kent had known and still couldn’t stop her from dying.
So... he got a hard on whenever she smiled and that's how he knew that the serial killer was going to kill her next? >> And is his groin smooth and hairless? Thank you Eldest for ruining that word for me.
Even though his partner dressed in a stern pantsuit, there was no mistaking that Nicole was a woman. Her blazer was open allowing a bit of cleavage to show. And it was only a miracle how she could run in those three-inch heels. But his partner was sensitive about her height. She didn’t want to look small. Frail. How anyone could look into her eyes and think her weak, Ruben would never know.
Now something about that bothers me. I don't know what. Perhaps the insistence that you couldn't mistake her for a man.
Once again, Kent had fucked up and once again left Nicole to clean up the mess. After her difficult childhood, raising her younger sister, and then working her way through college with no family help, she deserved far better than this. Far better than a profiler who abandoned her at every turn.
That's infodumpy.
After the president’s desperate call, Harbinger had boarded a plane in Chicago completely ignorant of the facts of the case and by the time he landed in Washington, Kent had solved the crime. Yep, the prick had cracked a masterful scheme that had brought the stock market tumbling down a thousand points and dropped the meat industry to its knees while he was snacking on the peanuts in first class.
And that's just... silly.
Sure enough, a pause in her footsteps and some muffled cursing. Kent knew her too well. He knew once out of the stairwell, exactly how many steps it would take her to get to her car. He knew she was using a new shampoo, because even though she took the time and energy to shop at a beauty supply house rather than the grocery store for her hair care products, she couldn’t resist a bargain. He knew the purse she carried was a Nine West original. Once she discovered this brand had pen and business card holders sewn right into the inner pocket, she hadn’t bought any other brand.
The thought brought a grin to his troubled lips. He knew her habits. Knew her moods. Knew her body better than she did. That’s how he knew she was four days away from her period. She would be at her most emotional, but also at the height of her sexual appetite.
And this is creepy. How am I supposed to root for this guy when he has creep factor written all over him?
And then the Profiler handcuffs Policewoman to the car and starts molesting her in front of the morgue, undoing her shirt and playing with her boobs. This is her response: "It was almost painful to breath. She could scream, but did she really want someone interrupting him?"
Nicole didn’t think it was possible, but Kent leaned in even closer, bringing his lips next to her ear. A millimeter and he would be kissing her. Telling her that he loved her, just like he used to. Only heightening the romanticism of the gesture, a light rain began to fall.
I'm sorry, but I could have sworn you were getting MOLESTED in the parking lot of the MORUGE! How is this ROMANTIC?!
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 10:38 pm (UTC)The implication, as I read it, was that she's a strong and powerful woman only because she has sex appeal. (I myself am 5'3" and wear heels to compensate, so I feel perfectly entitled to be offended by this.)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 10:56 pm (UTC)Wait, is this guy the serial killer or the hero?
Also, I'm pretty sure a "pantsuit" is something women wear specifically. The tailoring would be very different from a man's business suit.
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Date: 2007-02-21 10:56 pm (UTC)And, um...
dropped the meat industry to its knees
*highlights* *whistles and walks away*
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Date: 2007-02-21 11:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 01:12 am (UTC)But everything else makes me wish I had a good headwall icon.
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Date: 2007-02-22 01:28 am (UTC)meat industry to its knees while he was snacking on the peanuts in first class
:P The sex industry has died.
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Date: 2007-02-22 01:58 am (UTC)Please tell me that's her plan.
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Date: 2007-02-22 02:23 am (UTC)Yes. The Hero. And his love interest.
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Date: 2007-02-22 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 03:06 am (UTC)Though 'pao' is supposed to mean 'meat bun' in a dialect of Chinese...I'm sure that fits in with Paolini's theme, though.
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Date: 2007-02-22 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 04:16 am (UTC)*bursts into uncontrollable gigglefit*
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Date: 2007-02-22 04:53 am (UTC)Well, Kent, I'm afraid that just might mean you suck. I mean, if you hadn't been sure, yeah, we could cut you some slack, but really? You were dead-on certain that a specific woman was going to be killed by a specific serial killer and you couldn't save her? That's just sad.
Make a note; there's a difference between a tragic inability to stop something and just plain old incompetence.
Yep, the prick had cracked a masterful scheme that had brought the stock market tumbling down a thousand points and dropped the meat industry to its knees while he was snacking on the peanuts in first class.
Okay, I don't mean to land on the side of the black-hats, but... Look, if you reach the point where you're going to drop 'the stock market' (and really, vague much? The TSE, the Dow Jones, the Nikkei, NYSE...?) by a thousand points and bring an entire industry and attendant sub-industries to their knees, maybe it's in a nation's best interest to just let it lie? Or, hey, go after the perpetrator with black-ops forces, send in Jack and CTU and just disappear whoever planned this scheme. But maybe you don't, y'know, wipe out a dozen pension schemes along the way?
And maybe you really, really don't act smug about it.
"She could scream, but did she really want someone interrupting him?"
If you think you should be screaming, scream. If you don't want to be interrupted, you shouldn't be thinking about screaming in the first place. Either it's good and you shouldn't be freaking out, or it's sexual assault, and you shouldn't be hesitating.
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Date: 2007-02-22 08:53 pm (UTC)But that would be rude.
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Date: 2007-02-22 08:58 pm (UTC)OMGWTFNO o_o
Date: 2007-02-22 11:33 pm (UTC)This is a FEMALE author? Does she, yah know, understand what this implies? I would presume, with no other information on the 'chick' given, that this is a hooker we're referring to.
The profiler had known Joann was the killer’s next prize.
Oh my god. Not only is he incompetent, as Gjohnsonkoen mentioned, and getting erections when she smiles, as Kippur has mentioned, but I resent the idea that he even knew without any doubt. At least explain WHY he knew. Her hair and her smile are NOT logical answers, unless their is something uber special about them that the killer goes after. She better resemble the fucking Mona Lisa or something. As it stands, she sounds like some random woman and that Kent just KNEW because his gut told him so. ;P
Even though his partner dressed in a stern pantsuit, there was no mistaking that Nicole was a woman.
What I dislike here is that it sounds as if Nicole is trying to appear manly, to be taken seriously, but also womanly so that she's still hot. There's so many reasons to be disgusted with that assumption.
Once again, Kent had fucked up and once again left Nicole to clean up the mess.
The sad part is that I read this as suggesting that Kent realizes he sucks and feels guilty about it but is TOO LAZY OR PROUD to tell her that he's fucking sorry about it. That's why it should have been addressed by the characters, not the narrator. Kent doesn't come off as sympathetic. He comes off as a bastard.
After the president’s desperate call, Harbinger had boarded a plane in Chicago completely ignorant of the facts of the case and by the time he landed in Washington, Kent had solved the crime.
Who are we supposed to be rooting for? Not only is it a tacky, silly info dump but I had to read that a few times before I realized who the 'prick' was. Not good. Plus, run-on sentences, me thinks.
Sure enough, a pause in her footsteps and some muffled cursing. Kent knew her too well.
UNLESS HE IS LIVING WITH HER, then he won't know most of this. If he lived with her once, some things COULD change. Not to mention, who gives a SHIT about any of this info? I mean, the note about her purse just sounds as if the author found a cool one and wanted to mention it. What kind of policewoman really needs a compartment for business cards?
And the fact this guy is keeping track of her period is just hysterical. My period shifts constantly through-out the year. It's always about the same amount of days but, with each month, it changes which week it occurs. Unless this guy has been circling her period on his calendar and comparing it to when she actually complains about having it (if she is the sort to gripe about it) to make certain he has it right, there is no way he can know.
Besides, I hate my fucking period. I might not mind having a guy who KNOWS MY PERIOD better than I do if only because I do tend to forget. The fact that I have a vague idea of when it should appear makes me worry for a few days until it does, making me no longer have to guess at the time of it's arrival and if it will be inconvenient for me. Besides, it sounds like this guy is hoping to have sex with her, without using a condom, without getting her pregnant. I mean, foreshadowing is the only reason for mentioning her period, I'm sorry.
And then the Profiler handcuffs Policewoman to the car and starts molesting her in front of the morgue, undoing her shirt and playing with her boobs.
With REAL HANDCUFFS it sounds like. That isn't romantic either. Someone needs to tell this author there is a DIFFERENCE between rape fantasy and rape. I think perhaps the reason the woman didn't want to be interrupted was some embarrassment about her boobs showing. But she just got HANDCUFFED to her own car. She isn't the kind of officer I would trust my safety in. Nor is he the kind of profiler I would want near me. Women would be terrified or at least annoyed if a guy randomly interrupted their work with HANDCUFFING them to the car. Knowing him before doesn't help because this means she KNOWS he's a creep.
I really hope she gets rejection letters for all of this. How does the book actually start out btw?
Without the sex
Date: 2007-02-22 11:36 pm (UTC)Re: OMGWTFNO o_o
Date: 2007-02-22 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 11:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 12:38 am (UTC)And really, the president calling in somone who screws the economy and letting him ever work again? There's fantasy and then there's just being silly.
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Date: 2007-02-23 12:51 pm (UTC)Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?