A comercial break

[kippurbird]

And now, because I hate you all, some Sloan/Eragon.


Meat

Eragon walked to the butcher's shop and all he could think of was Sloan's meat. He needed Sloan's meat so badly. He hoped that Sloan would give him some meat, since he didn't have any money to pay for it. Well at least he had that large shiny stone. Perhaps that would be enough for Sloan's meat.

He opened the door to the butcher's shop and it was nice and warm. Sloan was standing there with some sausages in his hand. Eragon watched as Sloan handled the meat expertly in his large butcher's hands, wishing that it was his meat that was being handled.

"What do you want, boy?" the butcher asked.

"I need some meat," Eragon said walking up to the counter.

"Weren't you able to find your own meat?"

"No, I wasn't, so I need your meat."

"Do you have money? I don't give my meat away for free," he said holding up his sausages.

Eragon eyed Sloan's meat hungrily. He really needed Sloan's meat. He didn't want it, but he needed it. He had to have it. "No, I don't have any money."

Sloan leaned over the counter and said to him, "Well, I guess you're just not going to get any meat then."

"But I need your meat! I must have it!" Eragon demanded. Why shouldn't Sloan give him his meat?

"No money, no meat," Sloan said with an air of finality.

In despair Eragon pulled out his large stone. "Please, take this for your meat." And he shoved the stone at Sloan. The butcher handled his stone carefully as Eragon watched him hopefully, almost groaning.

"I can give you a little bit of meat for this stone."

"Only a little? But I need so much more than that!"

"I'm sorry but your stone isn't worth that much."

Eragon wailed in despair. He wasn't going to get all the meat that he wanted.

Then Hurst walked into the door and said, "I'll pay for your meat Eragon."

Eragon was so happy then, because now he could get Sloan's meat!

Comments

[custardpringle.livejournal.com]

I am going to cry now.

I know you did this on purpose and I am still going to cry now.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*pets* I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

[custardpringle.livejournal.com]

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

I'm writing Mel/Vair to cheer you up? :D?

[karaotter.livejournal.com]

You are an evil person. Unfortunately I don't have an icon to show how traumatized you've now made me. But still, evil.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I don't think there is an icon that can show how traumatized you are from reading this.

*mad cackling*

[karaotter.livejournal.com]

Very, very, true.

[prototypical]

My icon says it all.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

Well, at least Eragon didn't want to tenderize it... 0_0

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Nah, he just wanted it man handled.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Wait...I don't get it...so, Eragon wanted meat? But...why? Why did he need meat? And why did it have to be Sloan's meat, specifically? I mean, sure, Sloan has those big, manly butcher hands that handle meat like no other, but Eragon's a capable young man, surely he doesn't have to get meat from someone else when he can just as easily get it himself.

I mean, he's got meat too, right? Or is his meat not enough? He has to have other people's meat as well? Well isn't he the greedy little meat grubber. He should try to get some meat on his own before he goes crawling to the butcher, who clearly thinks his meat is too good for Eragon.

Hell, I think Sloan's meat is too good for Eragon. Let Eragon butcher his own meat, he's a resourceful young man, he can figure it out.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Eragon's meat isn't as manly as Sloan's meat. He wants his meat handled by an experienced meat handler.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

But, if that's true, then isn't that like admitting that Sloan's meat is better than his? I thought Sloan was T3h Ebil ~ Surely a character who is T3h Ebil wouldn't be better at handling meat than Eragon? =P

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Evil is always sexier. Everyone knows that.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Oh, of course. How silly of me to forget. :p

Love that icon, btw. XD

[-youngblood-.livejournal.com]

My eyes... MY EYES!!! MY VIRGINAL EYES!!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*offers spork to gouge them out.*

[thelittlebudgie.livejournal.com]

...

I am scared. And terribly amused. Primarily scarred for life, though.

Although if we think of meat as in the innuendo, perhaps Paolini's ramptant promotion of vegetarianism isn't quite what it seems...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Hee. You could be right.

[silentvoice29.livejournal.com]

I started reading halfway, and COMPLETELY missed all of the double entendres.

And then I started from the beginning.

and it clicked.

and I kind of wish it didn't.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*pets* I'm sorry.

Well, no, not really.

But... yeah.

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

I hate you, Kippur. So much. THE MENTAL IMAGES GOD DAMMIT I WANT BLEEPRIN

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Ebil!

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Ahhh, thank you. That was so evil and so amusing. I pity Sloan all the more now, thanks to this fan fic. Eragon is disturbing and Hurst is a dirty bastard to pay for meat for a little boy! How naughty of him! (And you'd think Eragon might start wanting Hurst's meat since technically once Hurst bought it, it became his meat. But Eragon is obsessive and illogical so we'll ignore that.) ;)

Re: Ebil!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Everyone knows that you go to the Butcher for meat.

>_>

Hurst just likes to watch Eragon get his meat.

[omfgsiriusly.livejournal.com]

I...I love you! When I saw 'Meat' I chocked on my Iced tea and giggled throughout the whole thing. That was hilarious! Funnier than Shakespeare's perverted-ness.

Did you modify the extract or is this written as it is?

But hey...referring to an earlier discussion, Eragon is the Hero and heroes are teh perfect - he must surely have many hidden skillz taken directly from a Karma Sutra book.

I wish Christopher Paolini could read this...would he be able to pick up the sexual innuendo?

"I'm sorry but your stone isn't worth that much."
XD yeah...Eragon's 'stone' is a cheap 'thing'

You're awesome. Please write more about thing

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

This is written as is, straight from my brain. Which probably says a lot about me.

Heroes don't need the Karma Sutra they know how to handle meat through their sheer awesomeness as Heroes.

I'm now going to have to use Meat as an innuendo through out the rest of the book. Eragon and Brom share a lot of meat.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Woo! I now have an OTP to cultivate as I continue to read your dissertations. :D

[indescane.livejournal.com]

I hereby demand an "Eragon/Meat is my OTP" icon.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I'll see about getting one!

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

XD

I was thinking more Eragon/Brom, but Eragon/Meat works too. =P

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Because you asked so nicely. =P

[indescane.livejournal.com]

*showers you with love, alcohol and offerings of foot-kissing.*

Also: icon love! Good Omens is one of my top books of all time, and Crowley is probably one of my all time favourite demon...fallen angel...infernal beings. :D

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Er...you don't have to kiss my feet. ^^; I may just take you up on the alcohol, though. ;p

And I've got to second the icon-love ~ I meant to mention it sooner, but have been distracted. You know how it goes. Gaiman's Death is amazing. :D

[zoe-i-am.livejournal.com]

And another keyboard goes down the drain!!!!!

Is "stone" one of those words as well, because that's what I thought, and if it isn't well, there's just no hope for me.....

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

WHOO!! Killed a keyboard! WHOO!

As for the word "stone" I shall have to leave it up to you and your own mind.

[ghostgecko.livejournal.com]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH . . . oh man, you posting this somewhere?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Where would I post it?

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

My friend and I have resolved to create a Sloane fan site in hopes that Paolini will someday find it and that it will make him feel as ill as he's made us feel. When we get it up (which could take a while; we're slackers) you can post it there.

Until then... the Pit of Voles, perhaps?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

And yes. It is up on the Pit. I will share any reviews I get. If I get any.

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

You win.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[indescane.livejournal.com]

Where shall I put your sparkling new internets?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

In the corner, over there. *beams*

Dude...

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

...I love you SO much right now. Eragon/Meat...Sloan fan site...I love the sound of that! :D

[alexseanchai]

*has broken brain*

*is going to link friends, because brain-breaky-ness needs to be shared*

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Ahhh... yes the joys of meat. XD