More telling!

[kippurbird]

Part Two

We begin the main story with our unnamed - but I’m assuming Max- narrator talking about how imminent death snaps everything in perspective. Scratches on your arms, no problem, lungs aching etc. S/he is running and the Erasers are after her/him. Though, I don’t think I would have used the word “scratched” to describe what is happening to her arms. Scratched to ribbons or not. I would have used something stronger. Scratching is too bland of a word. Tearing or clawing, perhaps. But it seems like a lot of the text here is bland.

Yeah, Erasers. Mutants: Half-men, half-wolves, usually armed, and always blood thirsty.

And this is what I picture:



A furry with an eraser on his head. Not that terrifying. This is why names are important. Yes, I understand what Patterson is going for. These creatures are going to “erase” the protagonist and friends But I think it this case “Hounds” would have worked better. It goes with the wolf-human hybrid and still gets the idea across. Though, how come wolves are always blood thirsty?

Anyway, the protagonist runs in the classic Monty Python and the Holy Grail tradition. We learn that they’ve never been this far away from the “School” and they’re lost.

S/he is running and then hears a dog. A big dog! And they can’t out run a big dog.

But they can out run a wolf-human hybrid...?

A wolf human hybrid that is blood thirsty and why do they need dogs if they’re half wolf? I mean wouldn’t you make it so that the hybrids would have the same sense of smell as the wolves? I mean isn’t that the point of the hybrids? To combine the best of the two breeds? The stamina and speed of a wolf and the brains of a man? I mean they both run at about the same speed... but.

I just. Am I supposed to be afraid of the eraserheads or the big dogs?

S/he runs through the trees and almost off a cliff. So, they jump.

And unfurl their wings. Just like they always dreamed.

What does this tell us? Max has never flown before. And that means she’s never used her wings before. Which means that, in theory, she shouldn’t have the muscle strength to fly very well. I mean there’s a reason why birds have to learn how to fly. I mean, we have had parakeets and when they get their wings grown out it’s so cute watching them figure out how to fly. There’s lots of flopping onto the floor with little squeaks of surprise. But eventually they figure it out and end up in high places refusing to come down when you want to put them back in their cage so you can go out or because it’s bed time for the birdy. In any case, since I’m not told otherwise, I’m going to assume this is the first time she’s ever flown.

Also, her nightgown is in shreds.

So, I’m going to say that instead of flying out into the sunrise, she should have flown for a while and then plummeted to her doom. Especially if she’s as exhausted as she said she was before hand.

No, instead we go to our next chapter where she wakes up sweating from a bad dream. Wearing a night gown. (2) She’s glad that she’s not actually there any more and oh goody she’s a snarky one.

“Note to self: Give subconscious a pep talk re: better dreams”

I dunno. I mean, snarky is good, sure. But why does it seem like all first person narrators nowadays are snarkers?

She puts on clean sweats and goes to start the day. There isn’t much description. We learn that their house is shaped like an “E” on its side and they’re in the mountains and that it is cool. We also learn that they’ve been living there for at least two years, the man - Jeb- who took care of them having vanished around then and they were now on their own.

They had the lovely joy of kids on their own. No one telling them what to do or how to do it. And they learn everything off the Internet.

Um. They’ve been living in hiding for two years on their own. The man in charge has vanished. Where are they getting the money to pay the bills for the Internet, electricity, water, trash, gas? Especially when they’re trying to hide. So that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THEM. Because I mean, a meter guy is going to have to come over every so often. What do they do when the Internet goes on the fritz? Or the pipes burst? You know, when they need to get something repaired? Or light bulbs. But, apparently just not going to school means that no one knows that they’re alive.

We don’t go to school either, so than God for the Internet, because otherwise we wouldn’t know nuthin’. But no schools, no doctors, no social workers knocking on our door. It’s simple: If no one knows about us, we stay alive.

Good thing no one has ever seriously hurt themselves.

And apparently chapter two ends with her rustling around in the kitchen and someone coming in behind her.

It is an eight year old boy named “Gasman”. The boy has -guess- gas problems so they named him Gasman. Yes. They named the kid Gasman. No. They named him the Gasman. And he’s eight. He has a little sister who is sweet and named Angel (six years old).

Okay. Just some maths here.

If they’ve been here for at least two years, then Angel would have been four when they got there at most. It sounds like they’ve been there a little longer though, so maybe three? when they got there. So how is it that six year old Angel -as it said in the first chapter - manage to out run the eraserheads.

Speaking of time spans. If they’ve been in hiding at the same place for over two years, this School that they’re running from isn’t very good at finding things, are they?

Then “Iggy” shows up. He’s blind, but is okay as long as no one moves the furniture he’s fine. Hope no one wants to move a chair to sit on it.

Max looks into the fridge hoping the food fairies showed up when another one shows up Fang. So, we have Max, Fang, Iggy and the Gasman so far. Fang is four months younger than Max is an Iggy is six months. This apparently is a big deal that someone who is blind and six months younger is better at making breakfast than her. See, I could understand the blind bit bugging her, but not the six months. That is only there to shoehorn in Iggy’s age.

Also, they have food, yet apparently a moment ago they were hoping the food fairy showed up? Where do they get their food from anyway? I mean, they’re up in a mountain somewhere, right? So, either they go down to a town to get food, thus making them possibly noticed or it magically appears.

But, why should that matter? I think it would be interesting to know how they managed to get food, hiding out in this really nice house, with Internet.

So, while Iggy - who is six months younger than Max - makes breakfast, Max goes down and gets Nudge and Angel. Oh apparently this house as at least three bedrooms. Plus a washer and dryer. Nudge apparently - what sort of name is Nudge? - talks all the time. How do I know this? Max tells me this. She’s also eleven. Then there’s Angel.

Angel is our Mary Sue. She has … they have enough money apparently for books and stuffed animals too. And Max loves her. She loves, loves, loves her. She’s “Incredibly sweet and loving” we’re told. And she’s blonde and blue eyed and daw. And she needs Max to help her button up her dress.

Gag.

Oh yeah.

She can read minds.

And that, by the way was chapters one - three. Which really could have just been one chapter.

What have we learned? We have been told that Nudge talks a lot. That the Gasman has a bad gas problem. That dogs are faster than Eraserheads. That they somehow have access to food and money despite not having any visible access to food and money. Everything they know, they know from the Internet. And the School is run by a bunch of idiots who can’t even be bothered to put tracking devices in their creations and thus have managed to lose their valuable experiments for over two years.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

"Angel is our Mary Sue. She has … they have enough money apparently for books and stuffed animals too. And Max loves her. She loves, loves, loves her. She’s “Incredibly sweet and loving” we’re told. And she’s blonde and blue eyed and daw. And she needs Max to help her button up her dress."

Ugh, I always hated Angel. She sort of turns out not-so-nice later on, but the damage was done and I hated her whatever personality trait she was showing. The next book coming out is about her supposedly (well, it's called "Angel") and I sure as heck won't be reading it.

. . . Sorry for the random rant. I'm glad you're looking this book over.

Me again.

[(Anonymous)]

In Angel's defense, she has some annoying-little-kid moments later, which are acknowledged, and does turn out to be, yeah, slightly evil. But reading over the beginning again... yes, she looks like a Mary-Sue.

-Blue

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

And this is what I picture

EXACTLY what I had pictured. Props for goofy expression. XD

why do they need dogs if they’re half wolf?

The same speed only applies if these pseudo-werewolves also have a quadruped morph (or they are built like Olympic runners.) But yeah, having dogs AND eraserheads is superfluous.

A better scene might be her trying to fly the instant she had the space to do so and perhaps her pursuers could have given her a head start because they were laughing at the sight of her inability to fly off of some smaller structures first. Then she could have either finally gotten the hang of it once she was far ahead and they couldn't close the distance fast enough or shoot her. Or she managed to reach the top of some nearby high structure, they can't reach her, and she eventually decides to brave a longer flight. Or maybe she half-climbed/half-flew smaller distances with various cover from bullets on the way.

Also, a cliff? Where is this facility? I'd find it more interesting if it was in a city, hidden right under everyone's noses. Applying some sculptures and quotes on the buildings would be awesome too (but maybe that's just me. While I know sculptures are everywhere I'm not sure how often huge quotations are chiseled onto the sides of buildings these days. D.C. has some.)

The man in charge has vanished.

He found them obnoxious and ran off. If I was those kids, I would have assumed he was an enemy agent or was caught by the enemy and moved the minute he disappeared. If not, I'd at least be worried and go looking for him. Probably panic!

And they learn everything off the Internet.

I think this Dinosaur Comic is relevant. Also, WHY were they taught how to read and write?

Also, how did the blind one learn how to cook in the first place? Unless he's been listening to videos on cooking... Also, the internet has recipes but it's a huge step to touch a stove and cookware for the first time. Especially without someone you trust to teach you. I'm surprised that NONE of them burned down the house yet.

The blind kid could be interesting (especially since he can FLY, I presume they're all the same type of hybrid) but here it's just a random character trait to distinguish one kid from another.

Nudge talks a lot.

Nudge is a better name for the blind kid. Or even Angel, since she has a psychic power.

Wait, does this mean that Max named herself?

What were they called before? Did they have numbers or something? I need to stop thinking about this. x_x

Angel is our Mary Sue.

I read this article recently (also a fantastic comic) and it's amazing. I think applying Maslow’s Pyramid of Human Needs to these three chapters shows why they fail so hard.

It would be much, much easier to bond with them if they were in a realistic situation or if it started right after their escape, not two years later. Patterson wanted to show their comfort, so he could dash it all away, but it helps if we see HOW they built their comfort before having it destroyed by a past they can't truly forget, lest it destroy them instead.

You know what? I bet they had a GOOD life in the mad scientist corporation. There's little evidence to disprove it. They had nightgowns. No one mentioned how big the cages were so they could have been as large and comfortable as a small apartment with furnishing and game systems. They might have had exercise twice a day, high-quality education, and nutritious, delicious meals three times a day WITH desert!

Insane evil could mean frittering tax-payer dollars away on children who don't appreciate it. They could have been very well-kept pets and that wouldn't have to mean they were maltreated. Just, you know, treated as if they were pets and not people. Even THAT I could get behind in this story. But because I have to conjecture, I'm irate about it. XD

[kjtaylor.livejournal.com]

Fun fact:

My dad runs his own radio program about science. He and I were in Melbourne recently, and he interviewed a biopalaentologist - a guy who studies the biology of prehistoric creatures.

I talked to the guy myself (he was really nice), and quizzed him about the biology of griffins. He explained that hexapods (six-limbed creatures) are biologically impossible. I'd expected that, and joined in with "well yeah, where would you put the second pair of shoulderblades?"

So if you want to be really extra snide, you can start complaining about that too. How do these kids have wings if they're regular human-shape? Where do the second pair of shoulderblades and all the muscle they'd need go? They'd probably look pretty weird. Also, if they have feathers, is it just on the wings? How do you localise feathers like that? Wouldn't they grow everywhere else too? Like on their heads in place of hair?

Yeah, that's rich coming from someone who writes about griffins. But, y'know, it's fiction. You're meant to suspend disbelief.

But if I were writing about winged kids, those are the things I would mull over before I started. Growing up with a scientist (my mum) in the house tends to make you think that way.

Bat wings make much more sense than bird wings anyway.

[(Anonymous)]

I mean, birds, mammals. Mammals, birds. Not the same.

Re: Bat wings make much more sense than bird wings anyway.

[kjtaylor.livejournal.com]

Nope. In fact, if the SCIENCE! is to be believed, birds are actually a kind of dinosaur.

[kjtaylor.livejournal.com]

That was such a great article! Thanks for the link!

[foxypope.livejournal.com]

The whole flight thing is pretty fucked. As best as I see it, she could maybe glide after a few practices, but even that would probably take a lot more skill than she should have at that point.

Considering how clumsy baby birds can get, even with a momma bird and instincts to guide them, I'd imagine it'd be difficult for a mutated human to figure out how to use their wings properly. It takes us years to learn how to coordinate with our body, and that's without extra stuff that shouldn't be there in the first place. So it's not in her brain how to fly, for one.

For two, it's probably not even in her body to fly. If her wings are fully developed and yet she hasn't been using them, it'd be a lot like if a human had experienced the same thing with their legs and then suddenly tried to walk. Maybe eventually she could fly, but she would need to train those muscles to do so.

Gliding would probably still be difficult, but I still think it's more viable than flying because she doesn't have to flap her wings to lift her body off the ground, she just has to guide her wings in order to maintain flight--which is probably tricky, but still, I think I'd allow it a bit if the writer made it seem difficult enough for her. It's not about being "realistic" but realistic enough for your reader to believe in, after all. I think the only reason we all start to nitpick is because the story itself does nothing for us, so our mind has to chew on something else when we read.

[foxypope.livejournal.com]

Also I realize flying involves some gliding. My expertise on gliding amounts to some episodes of Gargoyles, so I'm pretty sure I'm totally wrong about this anyway. I'm just grasping at straws for how you could really make this work. Of course, it would have all been fine if she had just been able to use her wings anyway--it seems that would be advantageous for scientists to have her fly if they were doing experiments on children with wings, after all, but that only goes back to what everyone has said already about that.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! I only saw the article because I regularly read her comic but I think more people should read it. :)

[kjtaylor.livejournal.com]

They should. I'm sick to death of seeing every smarmy git on the internet throw around the words "Mary Sue" at every opportunity. Daenerys Targaryen is a Sue! Nymphadora Tonks is a Sue! Harry Potter is probably a Sue too!

If you ask me, the internet has way too many critics and people who think they're critics because they whine and sneer about everything.

No offence to you, Kippur. I read your criticisms because they're thoughtful, informative and witty. You're one of the good critics.

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

There's a podcast called Writing Excuses, a weekly segment that discusses various aspects of writing and gives suggestions, etc. The presenters are all writers of some note themselves.

They did an episode on Mary Sues a while back. What I found interesting was that they focussed solely on the concept of 'Mary Sue' as a self insert character. Whether they're unaware of the other connotations or just didn't have time to look at it, I don't know.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY what I had pictured. Props for goofy expression. XD

It's what I saw...

Also, WHY were they taught how to read and write?

I was wondering that myself. I think it may have happened after they got free, but I'm am uncertain.

Also, how did the blind one learn how to cook in the first place?

You know, I haven't the foggiest. And completely forgot about it.

The blind kid could be interesting (especially since he can FLY, I presume they're all the same type of hybrid) but here it's just a random character trait to distinguish one kid from another.

They all have that, don't they? The farting kid, the blind kid, the creepy kid (Fang), the talkative kid and the sweet one.

Wait, does this mean that Max named herself?

Yes.

Re: Article and Angel.

Right now, Angel hasn't disproved her Mary Sue status. If she's going to be introduced to me like a purity Sue, then she shall stay that way until otherwise noted. (good article though)

t would be much, much easier to bond with them if they were in a realistic situation or if it started right after their escape, not two years late

Yus.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

I was wondering that myself. I think it may have happened after they got free, but I'm am uncertain.

That is possible but then who taught them? If they're self-taught, how can they be certain they're right? I hope Patterson has an answer for us because it's one of those oversights I really can't get over. It's all good and well to say the heroes are self-taught in something and then not answer the very basics of how they came to be capable of teaching themselves in the first place.

It's a little like a dog housebreaking itself. You might think it's a clever dog for learning this, and be able to get over the silliness because it's the hero, but then you have to wonder why it's living in a house, on it's own, in the first place when it clearly has no thumbs! :(

... Maybe my analogy is too silly. XD

They all have that, don't they? The farting kid, the blind kid, the creepy kid (Fang), the talkative kid and the sweet one.

Yep. (Okay, so Fang is the creepy one. I was trying to figure out what his trait was.) Of course, Max is clearly the cool kid. I guess that's why she's snarky and has a porno name.

You know, it would've been much better if he'd stuck with three kids total. Then they'd be less spread-out for traits. Just combine some of the kids so you have only two, toss in Max, and voila! Makes more sense to me that way. I mean, sneaking one out is hard enough but six?

Hrmm... I vote for a blind talkative kid and a creepy sweet kid and I will give the farting to Max. *nods* I shall name the former Nudge and the second one ... I don't like the other names. Why do they all have g's in them? I shall name the second one Izzy instead.

Re: Article and Angel.

Right now, Angel hasn't disproved her Mary Sue status. If she's going to be introduced to me like a purity Sue, then she shall stay that way until otherwise noted. (good article though)

Sorry, LJ kept telling me I was over my word count so I had to strip my initial response down a lot to fit everything in. I wasn't trying to say Angel wasn't a Mary Sue. Your comment, rather, reminded me of why there is no real tension in these chapters and how he could have had plenty if he'd done it better. As far as I'm concerned, they're all Mary Sues right now. They live a life of luxury and do nothing interesting all day long. :I

[torylltales.livejournal.com]

Do you mean mammalian hexapods, or hexapods in general? How are they biologically impossible?

[kjtaylor.livejournal.com]

Anything with a spine and six limbs is apparently impossible. There's no room for more than one pair of shoulderblades and one set of hips. Also, it doesn't fit in with the model that every vertebrate fits into. Four limbs is just the norm. Something like that.

[arcturus_angel]

*yawn* Why does everyone do werewolves/wolf hybrids? I am really tired of that trend in books/TV/movies.

If I was a mad scientist, I'd make them transform into velociraptors. Much more interesting.