(no subject)

[kippurbird]

Chapter Two


Ronnie had just set up us the bomb. I mean said that Anita might be pregnant. Of course this creates one of those moments where everyone is still. The two boy toys are, of course, shocked but then Anita brings it back around to how Ronnie is a bitch and hates her.

"I'm not sure," I said, and I gave Ronnie the glare she deserved. "I was going to wait until I was sure before I told any of you guys. But I had to tell someone. I thought, hey, I'll tell my best friend, but I guess I was wrong."

It continues with Anita blaming Ronnie for being jealous of all the men in her life. This is apparently a bad thing. But then again, Anita is, theoretically, living out every straight woman's fantasy. Lots of hot guys wanting to have sex with you. Who wouldn't be jealous? To me, at least, it's a perfectly understandable reason on Ronnie's part. It also doesn't help matters when Anita, who flaunts it at Ronnie, makes it seem like she's the victim. It's not her fault that all these guys are attracted to her and that she has awesome sex at least twice a day with Nathaniel.

Nathaniel then bitches at Ronnie about how she's always calling him "Anita's little stripper", "pet stripper", "you're damn cute for a walking, talking, beefsteak" and that Ronnie doesn't see him as a real person. He's a twenty year old stripper, boy toy, submissive, practically a slave guy who has no real life outside of Anita. Yeah, there's a real person for you.

They bring Ronnie's boyfriend into it, threatening to tell him that she's jealous of Anita's boyfriends and that she's had lovers in the triple digits. Personally, I think when Ronnie was exaggerating when she said that. But in Sexville that is Anita Blake land, who knows, she could be right. Ronnie gets upset about this, naturally.

The final blow is when Anita says, "How would [Ronnie] like it if she said stuff like that [the stripper stuff] to Louie"? Ronnie says it wouldn't apply because Louie wasn't a stripper and an ex-prostitute.

This is a bad thing for Ronnie to call Nathaniel. Never mind the fact that he is a stripper and an ex-prostitute. And seems to have come to terms with being a striper and an ex-prostitute. He shouldn't get mad but shrug it off. By letting him get mad about it, Hamilton proves that he's not over it, and instead still defensive about his past.

Nathaniel, meanwhile, says that the reason that Ronnie calls him names is because she wants him for a fuck as opposed to Anita who... doesn't. And that she's not committing because she'll never know how good Nathaniel is in bed. Ego much? But actually, as he goes on to say, it's because she'll always be wondering how everyone else is good in bed.

Of course, this is right.

It goes on for a bit, Nathaniel accusing her of fucking everyone she sees. And that Ronnie wanted to feel him inside of her.

Now, admittedly, I don't know much about sex, but I'm pretty sure there's more to it that the penis in the vagina bit. I would think that would be the smallest part of sex and instead it would be more the touching and things like that.

But apparently I'm wrong.

I'm learning SO much about sex from this book!

After this lovely bitch at Ronnie fest, Nathaniel gives her the number to his shrink, after telling her that she needs professional help. Of course, she's grateful for his help and leaves apologizing profusely. See, what she needs is help to come to terms that her best friend has a harem and needs to feed off of sex and that one of the guys in her harem is completely and utterly submissive to her to the point that he'll do whatever she wants. Oh yes, she needs therapy she does.

They talk about the baby that might exist for a bit and if they should abort it. Nathaniel apparently has some experience with such things. There was this girl, you know, who he worked with *wink wink, nudge nudge* on the streets with, you know. She had sex with him twice, once to see if he liked it and once for him to get better at it. Because having sex twice with a girl makes you automatically better at it. But this is a small point. She was Nate's first crush and she died horribly. Anita hugs him.

Both boy toys then support her saying that it's her body and she can do whatever she wants with it. Very supportive of them. Feels like a pro-choice ad. It really shouldn't feel like a pro-choice ad.

"It's your body," he said. "I respect that. I'm just saying that we have more than one way to go here, that's all. It has to be mostly your choice."

"Yes," Micah said, "you're the woman, and like it or not, the final choice has to be yours."

"Your body, your choice," Nathaniel said," But we need a pregnancy test. We need to know."

My name is Laurell K. Hamilton and I approve this message. But really the worst part about it this is that, they would say the same thing if Anita wanted to cut off her own leg.

They continue to be supportive and then go get ready for the cocktail party at Jean-Claude's place. After discussing that they're going to get a pregnancy test. Or two. The party is apparently for a circus thingy of vampires (for some reason I can't find the reference) and all the Master of the City vampires in the state are coming for a visit. Obviously this is supposed to be the Plot here. I think we'll have to wait and see.

Comments

[prototypical]

Past books have mentioned Ronnie's former promiscuity, but now that she has Louie, she's monogamous. And when Ronnie was a slut, Anita was the one who didn't spread her legs for everything. It's supposed to be some sort of ironic twist of events, I'm sure.

The pro-choice brigade will come to an end as soon as Richard enters the picture. And your sanity will disappear with it.

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

It's like a warped Lifetime movie, but with vampires and were-critters. And people who require committee meetings to buy pregnancy tests.

And we've barely begun.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

What the fuck is this shit? Why doesn't Ronnie just kick Anita in her crotch? I feel like giving her a swift kick, we all want to kick her.

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Ronnie should seriously bail on Anita because Anita's behaving like a total jerk to her. However, according to LKH, Ronnie is the one with the problem.

I get the strong feeling that I will not like this book. I also get the strong feeling that I will want Anita and her bishie harem to die several times.

[wariena.livejournal.com]

So bringing up Nathaniel's prostitution is outrageous, but bringing up Ronnie's promiscuity is fair game? That's what I hate about the AB series- the way every character just seems to bend over and let Anita/her harem kick their ass.

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

Of course Ronie's the problem. It's Anita's story, it's Anita's life, and Anita's the main character. She is god, and whomever dares go against what it's normal in Anitaland is wrong- always. Ronnie is a bad weed that needs to be plucked and push right direction, Anita's direction.

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

It's Anitaland, so of course bring up Nathaniel's OMG sad, and tragic backstory is so wrong. Double standers do not exist in Anitaland.

[kerame.livejournal.com]

Ronnie wasn't presented as promiscuous until ID, and then she said she hadn't thought she had slept around much until she compared herself to Anita, who made them all "look like sluts to her nun". The triple-digits that she and Richard have supposedly racked up are nothing but Hamilton's insane defensiveness over her avatar, and that of her submissive, boi-toi husband.

In the early books Ronnie had a pretty average sex life. She didn't go from controlling prude to controlling slut.

[brightrosefox.livejournal.com]

*nods*
When "Micah" first came out in bookstores, I peeked at the last couple of pages, and the amount of bitchery and arrogance on Anita's part was just astounding. Gods forbid Ronnie make any sense. I never bothered peeking at the beginning of DM where it picks up, and now I won't have to. Yay Kip!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Of course. The irony. It burns.

I didn't think it would last. (The pro-choice thing, I know my sanity'll be long gone before that.)

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

That's right! It was a committee meeting on buying a pregnancy test!


If I was afraid, I wouldn't be doing this.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Because Ronnie is in the wrong, that's why. Everyone knows that.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

You haven't decided that you don't like the book already? You're more tolerant that a lot of people here.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

... where have I seen that before. HRMMMM.... could it be in Eragon and the Fifth Sorceress?

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Of course. Why not? What did Anita or her harem ever do to these people? It's not like it's their fault that they have to have massive amounts of sex with lots of hot people. Nope.

[prototypical]

Hmm, I could've sworn there was talk about how she was in college in the earlier ones. But my memory hates me, so it doesn't surprise me that I'm wrong.

[lemon-m.livejournal.com]

I'd love to know what's the deal with women writing romance vampire novels in first person and using a self-insert Mary Sue as the protagonist.

It's amazing how terrible this book is from the beggining. The might-be-pregnant concept would have probably made me want to read a bit more (If I didn't know the book was vampire porn), but the whole deal with the boy toys just going "Yeah, we support you, do whatever the fuck you please" makes the situation so bland it's annoying.

[kellicat.livejournal.com]

Well, I've never read any LKH and I don't always have the best taste (why else would I read the 1-800-WHERE-R-U Series?) so I decided to reserve judgment until I saw your sporkings. I've heard that she suffers from a horrible case of Series Rot, but this? It's even worse than I imagined.

[emily-goddess.livejournal.com]

So, there's an entire chapter of Anita and her friends pointing out all of Ronnie's flaws and making her feel horrible? And it ends with Ronnie being glad for their advice? I've never read a single AB novel, but I desperately want to give this Ronnie character a hug right now.

Does Hamilton treat her friends this way? Does she even have any friends?

[pearkiwi.livejournal.com]

LKH has no friends. She has minions, and mirrors. Oh, and the voices in her head that she buys presents for, and then becomes sad that she can't actually give them the presents. Seriously.

Looking forward to more of the snark. It only gets worse from here.

[dryaunda.livejournal.com]

I'd never write in everyone suddenly ganging up on whoever gets jealous of my Sue. I certainly don't see anyone being easily fobbed off with "go see a shrink."

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

It seems to be the theme of the books you spork.

[subieko.livejournal.com]

I loved that 'all your base' reference...

And is this author serious? How is Ronnie the one who needs therapy!? She's experiencing quite ordinary human emotions and expressing them in a reasonable and quite ordinary way. She's the only one acting in even a slightly mentally sound manner!

And is it just me, or do all the accusations that Ronnie is jealous come off as rather sexist?

[alexseanchai]

Semi-related: I'm presently at roomie's family's house. There is a copy of Touching Spirit Bear on the kitchen table.

I don't know who's reading it and I don't want to ask, but if I had any degree of certainty that it's neither the twelve-year-old nor the ten-year-old, I'd link them here.

Actually I might do that anyway, roomie's dad isn't particularly careful about avoiding dirty jokes in his youngest kids' hearing...

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

My eyes kinda glaze over when I read stuff like this. It's like a badly-written soap opera, and nothing I haven't seen before. I mean, c'mon even I can see the author's logic is flawed in portraying Ronnie as Utterly Wrong because Anite is Completely Right. *facepalms*

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

Icon <3.

Can I gank it?

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

It's a common them in all Mary Sues.

[pearkiwi.livejournal.com]

Feel free too.

<3

[berseker.livejournal.com]

I don´t know what to say. Too ridiculous. Brain broke.

Was this the whole chapter? Please, tell me it took only, say, half a page. I can´t even decide what´s worse, the extremely randon attack from/on Ronnie or the line "your body, your choice".

Bleh.

(but I´m glad you decided to spork this. I was missing the sporks ^_^)

[mranon-y-mous.livejournal.com]

Kewlies.

[pseudo_tsuga.livejournal.com]

Hey, I love your icon. Can I use it too? I'd credit whoever made it of course.

[prototypical]

Go right ahead. The maker is unknown right now, so there's nobody to credit.