And there was angst.

[kippurbird]

After our five pages of monologing Sushi addresses Sister by calling her Sister. She's very worried about Triscuit's twin. Sister actually doesn't do anything or protest. She just goes with some of the Minions very meekly. Of course Triscuit does the whole "NOOOOO" And flinging himself at the Evil Woman before getting smacked down by Sludge and being told that his death is going to be slow and miserable. As opposed to... what? They were already going to kill them horribly...now they're going to kill them... more horribly?

Sushi tells the minions that they've got two days to rape and pillage. And anyone else gets left behind. If I was a minion, I'd sure want to get left behind. So, they're going to kill daddy and then in one of the most stupidly cliche things you can do, Sludge hands Triscuit his sword and says,

"I shall grant you a choice," Kluge said. "You man either behead the king right now, with one swift, merciful swing, or you may stand aside and watch me take him apart slowly, piece by piece."

Triscuit angsts.

He does this a lot.

Daddy tells him to shut up and behead him already. For the good of their people. Just shut up and behead him. Triscuit listens to him. Isn't it nice that kids are listening to their parents these days?

Triscuit beheads daddy and then attacks Sludge. Not before. Not when he first got the sword. But AFTER he beheads daddy does he attack.

"YOU MADE ME KILL MY FATHER, YOU BASTARD!"

Lovely set of priorities we've got going here. It amazes me how many of these Stu's have such screwed up priorities.

Either that or Triscuit really does want to get it on with his mom. Knowing this book, any thing's possible.

Okay, now that just depressed me.

Sludge beats Triscuit some more and then ties him up in chains. Triscuit makes Dire Proclamation #6. "I will kill you one day".

To continue to show how evil these obviously evil people are, because you know, we need to be constantly reminded of how evil they are least we forget that they are evil, Sludge strings the heads of the five wizards, Fredrick and daddy together on a rope, by using a dagger for a needle.

Apparently heads on pikes is so cliche nowadays.

Triscuit flashes back to when Earwig told him to stay on the Dais and wonders if he had listened to the wizard things would have been different. Dunno. But he angsts about it anyway.

Finally Kluge takes Mommy, rips off her shirt and tosses her to be raped by the Minions saying that they can show her and all the other wingless women how a real man does it. Yes. It actually says that.

Sludge then goes over to Triscuit and tells him that he's going to start cutting off pieces. But Earwig touches him and his entire world turns blue, sorry, azure and he wonders if this is what death is like.

Well, they always say that an orgasm is like a little death...

*coughs*

Comments

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Triscuit beheads daddy and then attacks Sludge. Not before. Not when he first got the sword. But AFTER he beheads daddy does he attack.

"YOU MADE ME KILL MY FATHER, YOU BASTARD!"

That may be the funniest thing in the book (or your sporking...so far). I know it isn't supposed to be, but I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Yes, I'm a terrible person. But I think it completely destroyed any possible suspension of disbelief I might have had.

It's so incredibly, impossibly, indescribably stupid. No real person would do that. No well written fictional character would do that. Hell, most crappily written characters wouldn't do that. So...wahahahahahahaha! (Which I seriously doubt is what the author was going for.)

[lccorp2.livejournal.com]

It's just...just...so...stupid...not...making...sense...

Urgh.

All the reviews on Newcomb's works on amazon are either blamming it or suspiciously sycophantic, too...

[wariena.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should say this now: I've actually been physically unable to comment on many of these sporkings, simply because There Are No Words. o__o

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

There are some people who claim that all the 5 star reviewers review only Newcomb books, and that their grammar and spelling is suspiciously similar to that of Newcomb. Could be a coincidence of course.

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Prince Oedipus...

I'm surprised they didn't make him do his mother as well, but I doubt even Newcomb's editor would let that pass.

As for the heads thing, uhm, some knife! I mean that's bone it's pushing through. Not to mention that the rope would have to move through a lot of brains. I'm not entirely sure if it'd work at all.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

Why can't Evil ever be subtle and sneaky? All this going around and killing people and putting their heads on pikes daggers is so...dull. Subtle evil is so much more frightening. Newcomb's evil characters are really kind of boring.

Though I guess it's probably a good thing they're so obvious and blatant...if they were tricksy and sneaky, our boy Triscuit-me-lad would be doomed. Doomed, even, with a capital 'D'. But since the villains (such as they are) are both stupider and hornier than he, he's still got a chance at sexing beating them.

This is like...when Suethors lower the collective IQs of canon characters to the level of a sponge so that that their Mary Sue can be sparkly and witty by comparison.

[lccorp2.livejournal.com]

Given suspicious old me, I don't think I'm passing it off as one. Such things have happened before.

[ambientfiligree.livejournal.com]

The skull part is pretty specious. Bones are pretty difficult to break, they're stronger than steel. But I do know that fresh brain has about the consistency of jello. Well, a little less solid than jello. If you picked up a fresh brain, it would fall apart in your hands. ... I think I grossed myself out. D:

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Yes but I've seen people handle kalfs brains, and they didn't fall apart... :-/ Toughie!

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

An inferior mind distorts the message it hears, because it translates the words into something that it can understand. Thus a suethor corrupts and simplifies whatever plot, original or not, that they write because they translate it into something that they can understand.

[jacedraccus.livejournal.com]

Just goes from bad to wierd, don't it?

Noooooo, it's getting worse

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

... ... ... What?

Okay, oddly enough, the winged-man sex is vaguely interesting simply because I've gone off on a tangent of how having sex with wings might be different (though, yeah, it's bad when it's RAPE and I did read prior entries, where it's still bad when it's men being raped by women, I do realize these things) but everything else is just... piles of puke.

Wasn't ALL magical power supposed to be SUPPRESSED while the stone was in the cup? What the hell?

Not to mention, all of this is even more moot than the crap that Eragon was doing. Guh. It's just about as bad as Arya escaping rape by Sue-ism though. I'm actually not certain which is worse. I guess that depends on the prose... maybe.

How old is Mommy anyway? If he's thirty, shouldn't she be in her sixties or something? Guh.

This hero was definitely an eighteen year old boy at some point. I have no idea who changed that or why but DAMN they suck dead donkey balls. >:[

You don't say?

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Or else they simply translate it into something they can write about, given their limited experience? I guess that's the same difference though... I dunno.

A lot of the time, they work with a Fairy-tale or Video-Game model, which is a major failing when applied to any other type of literature. I'm not sure what model this guy is using. I guess the cheesy, poorly written porno model. It just lacks Japanese School Girls and tentacle monsters. XD

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

From what I've heard, there's also incidents of people being paid to write good reviews on websites like that. Not sure exactly how true it is but I wouldn't be surprised.

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Forgot to ask but... who says an orgasm is like a little death? I'm just curious because I've never heard that phrase before and it intrigues me. (Though I have heard it compared to epilepsy, I think? I forget.)

Re: You don't say?

[cazrolime.livejournal.com]

It just lacks Japanese School Girls and tentacle monsters. XD

Only so far! We're not out of the wilderness yet. :P

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

Prince Oedipus...

Darn. I knew someone would beat me to it...

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Someone else dubbed him that in an earlier thread!

Re: Noooooo, it's getting worse

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

His mother is probably NOT in her sixties, she's probably between 45 and 55. That would mean she had him in her prime child-bearing years. If she was sixty she'd have had him when she was 30 years old, and that's a bit old especially for that era.

[reverie-shadow.livejournal.com]

Wow, this piece of crap is getting worse. How the hell can it get any worse?

And of course Triscuit kills his father and then goes after Sludge. Of course his priorities are messed up. How else can he angst about killing his own father later on? CAN'T YOU SEE HOW ORIGINAL IT IS? CAN'T YOU FEEL HIS PAAAIIINNN?

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

You know I wrote a piece that people described as being as angsty as an emo doused with pure unadulterated sadness and then forced to listen to really loud goth music after his girlfriend dumped him...

But at least that character had a personality, and still tried to do the right thing just because it was the right thing.

This...

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

"YOU MADE ME KILL MY FATHER, YOU BASTARD!"

That's all me.

But I think it completely destroyed any possible suspension of disbelief I might have had.


You mean there was some before?


It's so incredibly, impossibly, indescribably stupid. No real person would do that. No well written fictional character would do that. Hell, most crappily written characters wouldn't do that. So...wahahahahahahaha! (Which I seriously doubt is what the author was going for.)

Yes, I mean usually they attack the bad guys when given a sword.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Imagine how you would feel if I didn't leave things out. XD

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

This has been my problem too.

Re: Noooooo, it's getting worse

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

Whoops. Heehee. You're right. My math is usually off late at night. (Not that it's ever that great to begin with.) Still, who said this has continuity with the Middle Ages (or whatever it might be set in) given that the hero is taking the crown at thirty years old and still acts like a Sue teenager? ;P

Eh... anyway... my point is, the queen isn't exactly young and nubile anymore. Her breasts are probably a bit floppy by now (unless she had very small boobs.) :3

Re: You don't say?

[dove-cg.livejournal.com]

... I really hope Japanese School Girls don't show up, given that this is supposed to be "another world" (I think.) All my faith in humanity would be destroyed. ;P

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Newcomb's evil characters are really kind of boring.

Aren't they? He keeps on having them do Evil things to show that they are Evil. We get the point already.

This is like...when Suethors lower the collective IQs of canon characters to the level of a sponge so that that their Mary Sue can be sparkly and witty by comparison.

You're insulting sponges.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Bad to stupid, really.

Re: Noooooo, it's getting worse

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Wasn't ALL magical power supposed to be SUPPRESSED while the stone was in the cup? What the hell?

Sushi took the magical stone out of the cup thus restoring magical powers.

I'm actually not certain which is worse. I guess that depends on the prose... maybe.

How old is Mommy anyway? If he's thirty, shouldn't she be in her sixties or something? Guh.


I think she's in her fifties, but daddy was thirty when he became king.

He's striving for Conan sort of prose.

This hero was definitely an eighteen year old boy at some point. I have no idea who changed that or why but DAMN they suck dead donkey balls.

Because Newcomb was probably in his thirties when he wrote this.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Dunno. Just heard it somewhere.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Wow, this piece of crap is getting worse. How the hell can it get any worse?

I keep on asking myself that. And I can't find an answer.

[last-servant.livejournal.com]

Silly, the answer is always 42...

...that is, in number of chapters...

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

I thought the sponges wouldn't mind being used in comparison to good canon characters? I guess I was wrong. I would like to issue a public apology to any and all sponges which were offended by my previous analogy.

Re: Noooooo, it's getting worse

[the-norseman.livejournal.com]

Robert E. Howard could, while drunk and depressed, write a better story than this in a single afternoon. IMHO of course.

However I would really, really like to see Conan meet these people! *closes eyes, smiles widely, giggles* Ooooh what fun it would be!

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oh. I totally misread that. XD

[authoressarktos.livejournal.com]

Nah, I think it was already stupid to begin with -_-

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Point.

Re: Noooooo, it's getting worse

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

However I would really, really like to see Conan meet these people! *closes eyes, smiles widely, giggles* Ooooh what fun it would be!

It would be hilarious. =D And very satisfying.

[karma-kalisutah.livejournal.com]

I think it's the French. La petite mort, right?

[spoofmaster]

To continue to show how evil these obviously evil people are, because you know, we need to be constantly reminded of how evil they are least we forget that they are evil, Sludge strings the heads of the five wizards, Fredrick and daddy together on a rope, by using a dagger for a needle.

Is it just me, or does that sound both incredibly difficult and aesthetically disappointing? I mean, head on a pike, it's going to stay in one place and look grotesque and stare at everyone that passes it. Heads strung up on a rope are probably going to hang the wrong way and look lame, especially if he threaded the rope through the remains of the necks, which is the only way I can think to do it that doesn't involve breaking through the skull at multiple points. Also, how would he pull the dagger's handle through? Seems like a lot of fuss and mess, and it'd take forever to do, and by the time you were done the heads wouldn't be all that recognizable with the size of holes you'd have to make.

Yeeeah. Put too much thought into that one.

I bet his father's ghost is standing by and bitching at him about how "Just behead me already" really means "take the sword he's offering you and go on a rampage."