kippurbird | A new sporking begins! =D MWAHAHAHHAAAA! FEAR!!!!

Personally, I find it amusing when someone states a bit of wisdom that they promptly ignore. In this case it's Robert Newcomb author of our latest book The Fifth Sorceress. In the beginning, of his book he has one of those little pieces of "history" a piece of a document that that's from the world we're about to venture into. In this case the document says:

To ignore the past is to solicit disrespect.
To ignore the present is to invite laziness.
To ignore the future is to beg disaster.
~Eutracian Proverb

Newcomb ignored the past by not paying attention to what makes a good fantasy story, he ignored the present by making it cliche, and he ignored the future because I'm taking it apart. >:D

We are given a map. It has some ominous things like "the Vale of Torment" and "the Ghetto of the Shunned" and the "Dark Lagoon". There's a perfectly square bit of grassy land called the Heart Square which seems to be utterly odd because it's in the middle of nowhere. Hopefully it'll be explained in the book.

Finally we delve into the prologue.

We begin on the ocean on a war galleon named Resolve. The galleon is listing horribly and it looks like she's taking on water. The rain is so bad that the lanterns aren't working so they switch to torches. The (one would hope) enclosed lanterns aren't working so they've switched to exposed torches. Yes. Exactly how would these torches stand a better chance, I'm not really sure. Then we get an order of information problem. Suddenly there is an old wizard.

"The old wizard in the rain-soaked gray robe was named Wigg"

No where in the previous paragraph was there mention of any man. It's like a sentence had been cut before this one. A better way to have introduced Wigg would be "Standing on the stern an old wizard, named Wigg, looked out over the Galleon, rain soaking his gray robes." Thus we KNOW there's a person there before we are introduced to him. Wigg, as Newcomb has written him, just pops out of nowhere. If anything, it would have been better if Wigg was the one doing the observation in the first paragraph. In my writing group, one of the people says, chapters should begin with a "Character in a setting with a problem." This is, I think, a sound piece of advice.

Wigg (who keeps on reminding me of an earwig) continues his ship contemplation(Which really ... I dunno much about ships but three masts are broken and laying about at different angles because apparently no one has cut them loose...) and we learn that the broken ship is towing a smaller ship.

The old one -Earwig- apparently is having the Galleon's crew discharge some sort of duty in I think in regards to prisoners. The captain of the guard is reluctant to do so and wonders if they've been sufficiently weakened. There's a POV shit here for a brief moment as we go into the captain's POV away from Earwig. Earwig is very worried about what he's going to do to the prisoners, but we don't know WHO they are. He doesn't think or say something like, "I know you're worried about the X but this is the only way" or "No longer will X amount of Z will bother us." We slowly learn that there are four of them and that they were ruthless and evil people and that they're Sorceresses of the Coven.

They're evil magic users so of course they use a pentacle as their sign. Because everyone knows that the pentacle is EVIL. (Unless you're Dan Brown. >.> ) Earwig starts to wonder if he'll have to control the men so they don't jump the four women. Apparently, so it's implied, that the women can make all horny. Personally I don't see how this is anything special. I mean if I was a sailor on a ship in the middle of butfucknowhere and there's a damn hot woman in front of me I'd be all aroused. But I digress.

The four women have been practically starved for 15 days and yet they are still exquisitely beautiful and shapely. Yup, curves in all the right places. Earwig feels sorry for the women -despite the fact that they are EVIL. Blah blah, the women are sexy despite being starved, Earwig starts to get horny, the leader of the women makes a Dire Proclamation. "Your Brothers all think you have won... tell me, Wizard, are you yourself so sure?" This shakes poor Earwig, because he obviously has no confidence in what he's doing.

And then the Government apparently makes a Stupid Mistake. These four women have caused so much damage that it'll take generations to heal, but instead of killing them they're EXILING THEM! And of course that means that they'll have time to lay in wait and do their evil plans and then come back because they are EVIL and won't just go, "Oh hay, I'm exiled, that means I can't go back, lah-didity dah." They are EVIL. They have killed Thousands of people (at least) they've caused untold damage and they're letting them LIVE so that they can come BACK later and take REVENGE!! Just KILL THEM ALREADY AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE LATER!!! Wait... but then there wouldn't be a story. Right. Damn. My bad. Carry on. Don't mind my logic.

We then get another Dire Proclamation, "That oath will one day be your undoing".

And then, apparently the government has given them women food... which will make them stronger which means that they'll be able to come back. And the woman tells him that. Earwig is shaken by this obvious statement.

After the women are put on the smaller boat, the captain of the guard comes up and says, "We think you should have killed them. They were horrible and Evil." This is after the text says, "After what seemed an eternity to the young soldier, the wizard named Wigg finally took a deep breath..." We already KNOW that the wizard is named Wigg! You don't need to tell us again.

Then Earwig gives the guard a reverse "As you Know Bob" it's the "As you don't know Bob but now I'm free to tell you." Apparently the government weaken the women so that they could stand trial, but they decided that the women were so weak that execution "would be tantamount to murder" and they are forbidden to murder anyone. Because executing someone who is healthy is not murder. Yes. So instead they've weakened the women, dropped them on a boat with low supplies and left them off in the middle of the ocean where they'll face certain death.

But this is not murder.

Just because you don't pull the trigger doesn't mean it's not murder.

But I'm sure it comforts them at night.

Earwig does some more magic to insure that they'll be unable to return without dying (which is still not murder).

We have another Dire Proclamation: "I will live to see you dead. Someday you will pay. You all will pay, including any inferior male offspring you may spawn."

Here we have the first indications of the sexism that will surely follow in the book. We don't know why they think that men are inferior, They Just Are. It would be nice for Newcomb to give us a reason for them to think that because otherwise it feels similar to They're Just That Special. This is sloppy and lazy. If you're going to give such a significant ideology, there should be SOME hint as to why it exists. Even if you don't explain it all the way. There just should be some hint.

Finally we learn that GASP they are not the last of their kind, but one more of them exists secretly in hiding. GASP!! Could she be the one who causes all the Evil that will Trouble Our Hero!? I don't know! I must read to find out! /sarcasm.

So, eleven pages in, we've had three Dire Proclamations, one case of Curves In All The Right Places, one Case of Random Sexism and a case of You Know They're Evil Because They have A Traditionally Evil Symbol On Them.

This is going to be FUN! =D

Current Mood: Evil

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From:

authoressarktos.livejournal.com

Wigg? Forget that, Toupée sounds better ;D

So, eleven pages in, we've had three Dire Proclamations, one case of Curves In All The Right Places, one Case of Random Sexism and a case of You Know They're Evil Because They have A Traditionally Evil Symbol On Them.

This is going to be FUN! =D

*evil grin*

From:

Writings of a deranged Autistic Novelist

A new sporking begins! =D MWAHAHAHHAAAA! FEAR!!!!

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