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Feb. 24th, 2007 06:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdThis story is a bit of crack I came up with. I got the idea from my writer's group when one of the members mentioned a new horror novel about a guy who buys a ghost on Ebay. Originally the story was going to be about someone who buys a dragon on Ebay. Then it morphed to a yard sale at a wizard's lab where he found a dragon's egg. Then it skittered around the Evil Over Lord's List and I had been using Craig's List to find a roommate. So, this is the result.
Comments and Critc are always welcomed, of course.
Wanted: Assistant to an Evil Overlord
I saw the ad on Craig’s List next to someone looking for a fish specialist. The ad said:
Evil Overlord Looking for Lt.
No experience necessary
More information available on request.
Figuring it was a gag, like that person he saw last week who was looking for the ghost of his sister that had apparently gone missing, I replied just for the fun of it.
Gary Reinholt
Personal Assistant
References available on request.
Two days passed without hearing anything, when I came home to my modest apartment on the third day, and found the Evil Overlord sitting at the kitchen table, my parakeet, Freckles, on his finger. The man (at least I assumed that he was a man, the red eyes were a bit off putting) dressed in black. A high collar black cape, black leather armor and black knee high boots. In fact the only splash of color was Freckles, and the indication that Freckles had been sitting on the man’s shoulder.
“You must be Gary,” the man said, “I am Lord Calivar of the Unknown Domains.”
“How did you get into my apartment?”
Lord Calivar looked confused; this apparently was not response that he was expecting. “I let myself in.”
I went for the phone to call the cops. “That’s breaking and entering.”
“I’m an Evil Overlord. Of course I broke in and entered. Now put the phone down.”
Much to my surprise, I put the phone down.
“Now sit.”
I sat.
“... Sit in a chair.” I got up off the floor and sat down in the chair across from Lord Calivar. He looked pleased, but muttered something about needing to work on his control. “Now I looked over your references…”
“I never sent them.”
“I found them anyway.”
“You hacked into my computer?”
“No. I did a background check.”
Well that seemed acceptable. “All right.”
“Now, where was I? Ah yes, out of all the applicants, your resume seemed to be the most desirable. I’d like to offer you the job.” Lord Calivar smiled at me.
“What are the benefits? What would I have to do? Do I get health insurance? What’s the pay?”
Lord Calivar was silent for a moment. “You would be second in command to me. You would help me implement my ideas for ruling the land of Ludaria and prevent any annoying heroes from trying to stop me. You would have full benefits and,” He paused and wrote down a number on a napkin before pushing the napkin over to me.
The number written down was six figures. No… wait seven figures. He was offering me a seven figure job. “This is per year?”
“Yes.” And he petted Freckles, who gave his finger a friendly nibble.
My current job was being a personal assistant to a publisher. She paid me five figures and no benefits. Though the health insurance was pretty good.
“Do you have dental?”
“Yes.”
“All right, I’ll try it out.” I said, “I’ll need to give my two weeks notice and let my landlord know that I’m moving.” I assumed that I was moving since I never heard of Ludaria. Speaking of which, “Where is Ludaria?”
“It is a land hidden by the mists of time and ancient magics. Many have tried to find it but few have ever succeeded. It is across dimensions and lays under the shadow of the Baren Mountains.”
“So… I should just sort of forget about getting my mail forwarded, is what you’re saying? Do you get cable? Will I be able to check my email?”
“Why are you bothering with such questions? I am offering you power beyond your wildest dreams!”
“So… that’s a no?”
He sighed, “Yes, you will be able to access your email and have cable.”
“All right, I think I’m good to go.”
Lord Calivar’s domain was not as unknown as he claimed it was. A large castle up in the Baren Mountains, it overlooked the land of Ludaira like a hawk. It definitely felt like an Evil Overlord’s lair, however, with many dark corridors and creaking noises. The minions were all dressed alike with weapons that were familiar (like assault rifles) and archaic (swords). I was given a suite of rooms that had a plasma screen HD television, the Nintendo Wii, PS3, a state of the art computer system and multimedia center. It had a private kitchen, washer and dryer (which automatically made it better than my last place) and a view of the surrounding lands.
I put Freckles’ cage by one of the large windows and settled myself in as well as I could. The sneering gargoyles above the bed were a bit disconcerting, but I suppose one had to make certain concessions when working for an Evil Overlord.
My plans for a quiet evening were rather put off because Lord Calivar demanded my presence for dinner. We ate in a large dinning room that could have fitted my old apartment in it quite easily, with a long black table with tall black chairs. The room was lit by smoky braziers that hung on the walls.
“What do you think of your new home?” Lord Calivar asked as he sipped wine from a silver goblet that looked like a skull.
I took a moment before saying, “It’s rather dark.”
He stared at me. “Dark.”
“Yes… and oppressive.”
“Of course it is! This is my evil lair!”
“I can see that. We may need to do something about it though.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking,” I began. I had been thinking and I had been doing some research in the two weeks before I came here. “What are your goals exactly?”
“To rule with an iron fist over the lands of Ludaria.”
“Okay, first off that whole iron fist thing has got to go.” He stared at me. Well at least he wasn’t yelling, this I considered a good thing. “As well as all the constant references to evil.”
“But, I am an evil overlord!”
“Yes, and that will attract ever hero looking to over throw an evil overlord from fifty miles away. You’ll have to start looking out for prophecies foretelling your doom, and rebellions and things like that. What you need is an image make over.”
He leaned back in his chair, tapping his fingers on the table thoughtfully, “An image make over? Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. I do this for a living. This is what you hired me for.”
“Actually I hired you to be my assistant.”
“Okay, point, but as your assistant, I’m saying that you need a make over, if you really want to rule over Ludaira. This is what you want, right?”
“Of course! It is my destiny!”
I smiled at him, “Wonderful. Let’s make this destiny happen then.”
The first thing I did was find out who was the legitimate ruler of Ludaria. This turned out to be some doddering old king with an exceptionally beautiful daughter who longed to marry for love and sing to the forest animals. Lord Calivar’s initial plan was to kidnap the princess and force her to marry him. I nixed the idea, once again citing that it would draw every hero with in spitting distance to free her and kill him in the bargain. I suggest instead he talk to the king and make an offer for her hand.
Of course, before he could do that, I had to go over with him the idea that black is not the be all end all in colors.
“But I like black,” he protested to me as I tried to get him to try on a nice purple or dark blue shirt.
“Yes, but it screams evil a mile away. The king might be old but the daughter isn’t and she isn’t going to want to marry someone who is evil. You want to rule over Ludaria. If you go about it legitimately then the hero will be in the wrong when he tries to free her.”
He paused and tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I like that. Perhaps a silver brocade?”
To help him woo the princess I rented Hitch, Sleepless in Seattle, My Best friend’s Wedding, and You’ve Got Mail and made him watch them sixteen times, until he understood that vowing to torture the princess with rats was not the way to her heart.
For the King I worked out business plan for Lord Calivar to give to him, citing his ideas for running the kingdom including improvement of subjects’ living conditions, trade with other lands and protecting it from invasion or usurpers.
“I don’t know if I like this,” Lord Calivar said, as we went over it the day before he was to go and meet the king.
“You need to do it this way, that way you’ll be legitimate and the people will support you and not the hero. Can you imagine the Hero’s face when he tries to incite the people to rebellion against you and they don’t listen to him?”
He smiled slowly, “Yes… I see… we’re being sneakily evil by acting good.”
“Yes! Exactly.”
“I like this. Good job Gary. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and torture some peasants.”
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to go and visit my sister.”
“Yes, yes, whatever. You are dismissed.”
The initial meetings went off well. The king was impressed by Lord Calivar’s intelligence and the princess by his gifts and elegance. It also helped that girls like that always seem to be attracted to bad boys, which Lord Calivar still managed to project. It was his probably his instance on wearing leather.
In fact things were going so well that a Hero did show up. His name was Terence of Longharm, a neighboring kingdom. He was a typical hero; handsome, with a mysterious and tragic past as well as a prophecy of overthrowing an evil lord. Calivar was besides himself with glee when he heard of the young man’s arrival in Luridia’s capital city.
He immediately began planning Terence’s death. He started to build a large an elaborate plan to entrap him, including the building of a death ray. I don’t know why he wanted a death ray, but apparently it was Vitally Important.
“First I need the princess, that’ll draw him to me,” he ranted to me a few days after we learned about Terence’s existence. “I’ll kidnap her…”
“Excuse me, Lord Calivar, I believe we went over the whole kidnapping thing and decided against it.”
He gave me a blank look and then sighed. “You know Gary, had a lot of hope for you, but you just aren’t evil enough for me. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go,” he said. “Oh… and I’m keeping the parakeet.”
“What? You can’t do that! Freckles is mine!”
“I’m evil. I can do what I want.”
And with that he had his guards drag me away.
It took me two weeks to discover what happened to Lord Calivar. It was Terence, actually, who contacted me. He sent Freckles back to me with the note saying that Lord Calivar was dead by his own hand and that should I think of revenge, let me be reminded that he was the hero and already defeated my master. I sent him back some flowers for the wedding to the princess.
Comments and Critc are always welcomed, of course.
I saw the ad on Craig’s List next to someone looking for a fish specialist. The ad said:
No experience necessary
More information available on request.
Figuring it was a gag, like that person he saw last week who was looking for the ghost of his sister that had apparently gone missing, I replied just for the fun of it.
Personal Assistant
References available on request.
Two days passed without hearing anything, when I came home to my modest apartment on the third day, and found the Evil Overlord sitting at the kitchen table, my parakeet, Freckles, on his finger. The man (at least I assumed that he was a man, the red eyes were a bit off putting) dressed in black. A high collar black cape, black leather armor and black knee high boots. In fact the only splash of color was Freckles, and the indication that Freckles had been sitting on the man’s shoulder.
“You must be Gary,” the man said, “I am Lord Calivar of the Unknown Domains.”
“How did you get into my apartment?”
Lord Calivar looked confused; this apparently was not response that he was expecting. “I let myself in.”
I went for the phone to call the cops. “That’s breaking and entering.”
“I’m an Evil Overlord. Of course I broke in and entered. Now put the phone down.”
Much to my surprise, I put the phone down.
“Now sit.”
I sat.
“... Sit in a chair.” I got up off the floor and sat down in the chair across from Lord Calivar. He looked pleased, but muttered something about needing to work on his control. “Now I looked over your references…”
“I never sent them.”
“I found them anyway.”
“You hacked into my computer?”
“No. I did a background check.”
Well that seemed acceptable. “All right.”
“Now, where was I? Ah yes, out of all the applicants, your resume seemed to be the most desirable. I’d like to offer you the job.” Lord Calivar smiled at me.
“What are the benefits? What would I have to do? Do I get health insurance? What’s the pay?”
Lord Calivar was silent for a moment. “You would be second in command to me. You would help me implement my ideas for ruling the land of Ludaria and prevent any annoying heroes from trying to stop me. You would have full benefits and,” He paused and wrote down a number on a napkin before pushing the napkin over to me.
The number written down was six figures. No… wait seven figures. He was offering me a seven figure job. “This is per year?”
“Yes.” And he petted Freckles, who gave his finger a friendly nibble.
My current job was being a personal assistant to a publisher. She paid me five figures and no benefits. Though the health insurance was pretty good.
“Do you have dental?”
“Yes.”
“All right, I’ll try it out.” I said, “I’ll need to give my two weeks notice and let my landlord know that I’m moving.” I assumed that I was moving since I never heard of Ludaria. Speaking of which, “Where is Ludaria?”
“It is a land hidden by the mists of time and ancient magics. Many have tried to find it but few have ever succeeded. It is across dimensions and lays under the shadow of the Baren Mountains.”
“So… I should just sort of forget about getting my mail forwarded, is what you’re saying? Do you get cable? Will I be able to check my email?”
“Why are you bothering with such questions? I am offering you power beyond your wildest dreams!”
“So… that’s a no?”
He sighed, “Yes, you will be able to access your email and have cable.”
“All right, I think I’m good to go.”
Lord Calivar’s domain was not as unknown as he claimed it was. A large castle up in the Baren Mountains, it overlooked the land of Ludaira like a hawk. It definitely felt like an Evil Overlord’s lair, however, with many dark corridors and creaking noises. The minions were all dressed alike with weapons that were familiar (like assault rifles) and archaic (swords). I was given a suite of rooms that had a plasma screen HD television, the Nintendo Wii, PS3, a state of the art computer system and multimedia center. It had a private kitchen, washer and dryer (which automatically made it better than my last place) and a view of the surrounding lands.
I put Freckles’ cage by one of the large windows and settled myself in as well as I could. The sneering gargoyles above the bed were a bit disconcerting, but I suppose one had to make certain concessions when working for an Evil Overlord.
My plans for a quiet evening were rather put off because Lord Calivar demanded my presence for dinner. We ate in a large dinning room that could have fitted my old apartment in it quite easily, with a long black table with tall black chairs. The room was lit by smoky braziers that hung on the walls.
“What do you think of your new home?” Lord Calivar asked as he sipped wine from a silver goblet that looked like a skull.
I took a moment before saying, “It’s rather dark.”
He stared at me. “Dark.”
“Yes… and oppressive.”
“Of course it is! This is my evil lair!”
“I can see that. We may need to do something about it though.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking,” I began. I had been thinking and I had been doing some research in the two weeks before I came here. “What are your goals exactly?”
“To rule with an iron fist over the lands of Ludaria.”
“Okay, first off that whole iron fist thing has got to go.” He stared at me. Well at least he wasn’t yelling, this I considered a good thing. “As well as all the constant references to evil.”
“But, I am an evil overlord!”
“Yes, and that will attract ever hero looking to over throw an evil overlord from fifty miles away. You’ll have to start looking out for prophecies foretelling your doom, and rebellions and things like that. What you need is an image make over.”
He leaned back in his chair, tapping his fingers on the table thoughtfully, “An image make over? Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. I do this for a living. This is what you hired me for.”
“Actually I hired you to be my assistant.”
“Okay, point, but as your assistant, I’m saying that you need a make over, if you really want to rule over Ludaira. This is what you want, right?”
“Of course! It is my destiny!”
I smiled at him, “Wonderful. Let’s make this destiny happen then.”
The first thing I did was find out who was the legitimate ruler of Ludaria. This turned out to be some doddering old king with an exceptionally beautiful daughter who longed to marry for love and sing to the forest animals. Lord Calivar’s initial plan was to kidnap the princess and force her to marry him. I nixed the idea, once again citing that it would draw every hero with in spitting distance to free her and kill him in the bargain. I suggest instead he talk to the king and make an offer for her hand.
Of course, before he could do that, I had to go over with him the idea that black is not the be all end all in colors.
“But I like black,” he protested to me as I tried to get him to try on a nice purple or dark blue shirt.
“Yes, but it screams evil a mile away. The king might be old but the daughter isn’t and she isn’t going to want to marry someone who is evil. You want to rule over Ludaria. If you go about it legitimately then the hero will be in the wrong when he tries to free her.”
He paused and tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I like that. Perhaps a silver brocade?”
To help him woo the princess I rented Hitch, Sleepless in Seattle, My Best friend’s Wedding, and You’ve Got Mail and made him watch them sixteen times, until he understood that vowing to torture the princess with rats was not the way to her heart.
For the King I worked out business plan for Lord Calivar to give to him, citing his ideas for running the kingdom including improvement of subjects’ living conditions, trade with other lands and protecting it from invasion or usurpers.
“I don’t know if I like this,” Lord Calivar said, as we went over it the day before he was to go and meet the king.
“You need to do it this way, that way you’ll be legitimate and the people will support you and not the hero. Can you imagine the Hero’s face when he tries to incite the people to rebellion against you and they don’t listen to him?”
He smiled slowly, “Yes… I see… we’re being sneakily evil by acting good.”
“Yes! Exactly.”
“I like this. Good job Gary. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and torture some peasants.”
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to go and visit my sister.”
“Yes, yes, whatever. You are dismissed.”
The initial meetings went off well. The king was impressed by Lord Calivar’s intelligence and the princess by his gifts and elegance. It also helped that girls like that always seem to be attracted to bad boys, which Lord Calivar still managed to project. It was his probably his instance on wearing leather.
In fact things were going so well that a Hero did show up. His name was Terence of Longharm, a neighboring kingdom. He was a typical hero; handsome, with a mysterious and tragic past as well as a prophecy of overthrowing an evil lord. Calivar was besides himself with glee when he heard of the young man’s arrival in Luridia’s capital city.
He immediately began planning Terence’s death. He started to build a large an elaborate plan to entrap him, including the building of a death ray. I don’t know why he wanted a death ray, but apparently it was Vitally Important.
“First I need the princess, that’ll draw him to me,” he ranted to me a few days after we learned about Terence’s existence. “I’ll kidnap her…”
“Excuse me, Lord Calivar, I believe we went over the whole kidnapping thing and decided against it.”
He gave me a blank look and then sighed. “You know Gary, had a lot of hope for you, but you just aren’t evil enough for me. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go,” he said. “Oh… and I’m keeping the parakeet.”
“What? You can’t do that! Freckles is mine!”
“I’m evil. I can do what I want.”
And with that he had his guards drag me away.
It took me two weeks to discover what happened to Lord Calivar. It was Terence, actually, who contacted me. He sent Freckles back to me with the note saying that Lord Calivar was dead by his own hand and that should I think of revenge, let me be reminded that he was the hero and already defeated my master. I sent him back some flowers for the wedding to the princess.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 03:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 09:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-25 05:22 pm (UTC)Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 06:48 am (UTC)Also, I really loved the names. They were wonderfully amusing and fantasy-fitting without being generic. I especially loved the inclusion of Freckles. The parakeet was so much fun, especially with how much Lord Calivar liked it. I'm glad Terence sent him in to Gary in the end. Poor Lord Calivar though, may he rest in peace. :D
Minor mistake I noticed, btw.
like that person he saw last week
Should be 'I saw', since it's all supposed to be first person POV. Easy mistake to make and luckily an easy fix too. :)
Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 06:54 am (UTC)Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 07:01 am (UTC)I rather liked Freckles too. He was going to be a one point gag, and then at the end I was like... I need for Lord Calivar to do something to prove how evil he was and he did seem to like Freckles earlier, so it seemed to fit.
Thanks for pointing that out. It started out in third person and then I started writing in first person, so I went back and fixed it. Apparently I missed one.
Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 07:02 am (UTC)Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 07:08 am (UTC)And yeah, it makes the mentioning of Freckles seem... complete? I don't know how to explain it. A bit like the 'mentioned in act 1, used in act 3' part, even though that's not always necessary. But yes, wonderful decision there for how to conclude the ending. :D
*nods about the switching of POVs* I note that the first person is a really good decision here. Since the whole story seems like the sort of thing you'd be telling your friend one day.
Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 07:09 am (UTC)Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 07:38 am (UTC)I just stared writing in first person accidentally and I looked back and said, you know, this needs to be told in first. It just fits. I don't usually use first person, but this time, it worked.
Re: Freckles is the best
Date: 2007-02-27 09:44 am (UTC)Yeah, I don't usually write in first person either but there are some stories were it's definitely the best choice. I agree that this was one of them. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-28 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-02 05:16 am (UTC)