Eragon Redux: In the Spine
Feb. 22nd, 2007 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdEragon stalked the deer as the light faded and evening changed to night. He'd been following it for several days now, up into this meadow high in the Spine Mountains. He'd lamed the deer two days earlier, but it had managed to get away, leading him on a chase through the dark forests. He loved the challenge of a tricky kill- watching the spirit leave the animal's eyes was his favourite part of the hunt.
Kneeling down in the grass, Eragon drew his bow and nocked an arrow. His breathing slowed as he sighted along it- this was the most imporant part of the hunt, getting ready for the kill. A certain mindset was needed; the hunter needed to be calm and collected, his mind quiet. The prey could sense the predator sometimes. That's why he had to be perfectly still- otherwise the deer would know he was there. He carefully pulled the string back, about to release it when an explosion rocked the meadow. The arrow flew from the bow, completely missing the deer as it bounded out of the meadow.
Eragon snarled as he turned from his missed shot to see what had caused the explosion. An acrid whiff of smoke greeted him, coming from a hole burned into the ground. Through trails of greenish smoke, he could see something resting inside of it. Curiously, he waved the smoke away and knelt next to the hole- the thing was an egg, or a stone shaped like an egg, of a deep, vivid blue.
He prodded the stone with his bow, fascinated by its sudden appearance. It rocked back and forth, but otherwise seemed harmless, so he reached out to touch it. The surface was smooth and cool, feeling almost like water or fine cloth, against his fingers. Eragon picked it up, expecting it to be heavier than it was, and looked closer. The stone wasn't entirely blue, but covered in a web of white lines.
It wasn't a deer, but it made a nice addition to his collection of curiosities that he had found in the Spine. Perhaps he'd show Roran, and gloat over having found something as valuable as this piece of rock had to be. Glancing up into the sky, he decided to find somewhere to make camp. Now that he'd lost the deer, he might as well return to Carvahall and his uncle.
Eragon crossed the meadow, holding the stone. There was a stream on the other side he could camp next to; he'd barely gotten to it when the stone rocked in his arms. He froze and held the stone at arm's lengths. It moved again, and he could hear something tapping from within it, trying to get out.
He cautiously put the stone down- it rocked and shook, cracks forming on its shell. The rising moon illuminated the area, giving Eragon a good view of what was happening. Several minutes passed as the stone bucked and trembled, its cracks growing larger and larger. Finally, one crack opened wide enough for something blue to show through- it was almost the same colour as the egg, which Eragon realized the stone obviously was, except that it wasn't marked with the same white lines. The thing wiggled and wobbled and broke off more of the shell, piece by piece, until a small lizard-like creature fell out of it.
Eragon watched as the blue lizard spread a pair of wings and bumbled around the broken egg shell as if looking for something. It keened a high-pitched wail that made Eragon wince.
"Shush!" he hissed, pressing his fingers to the tiny creature's mouth and forcing it closed. It blinked at him in surprise and tried to open its mouth to keen again. Eragon scowled at it and forced his will down on the lizard, like he did to the horses in his uncle's stable when they were restless. The lizard made a tiny, almost frightened sound and fixed its eyes on the boy.
For a moment, Eragon thought that it was going to bite him, but instead it started to glow. The light quickly covered his hand and he jerked it back, crying out in pain as his skin felt like it was being scorched. His mind felt like it was being forced open, letting him feel the lizard- and the animal was inside his thoughts, too, pushing and looking around. His lip curled and he shoved it out of his mind.
How dare it go in there?
It fled, but the connection between the two of them stayed; he could feel that it was hungry now, looking towards him for food. He flexed his right hand and looked at it, startled that the burning had stopped. On his palm was a strange silvery mark that made him almost remember something, a story or song from Brom, the crazy old storyteller. He tried to remember more, but it faded quickly from his mind as the lizard pressed more insistently for food. He pushed it to be quiet, and smirked in satisfaction as it listened.
Amused, he did pull some dried meat from his pack and fed it to the lizard. It snatched up the food eagerly, eating all of what he offered. He didn't give the creature all it wanted- he needed food for himself as well, and he had no intention of going hungry.
Eragon spread out his bedroll and started a fire, keeping one eye on the lizard. The light of the flames played off its scales, flickering and bleaching out the colour. He smiled- he enjoyed watching the fire, and the lizard's interest was obvious. He wondered what would happen if it touched the flames but to his disappointment, it didn't even try. He ate some of the remaining meat and sat up a little longer, watching the stars.
With the fire banked so he'd have coals to cook over in the morning, he slid into his bedroll. The lizard curled up on his chest and he nudged it irritably, pushing it down until it was more comfortable for him. The long trek of the day caught up to him, and sleep came quickly.
When he dreamed, he dreamed of dragons.
Kneeling down in the grass, Eragon drew his bow and nocked an arrow. His breathing slowed as he sighted along it- this was the most imporant part of the hunt, getting ready for the kill. A certain mindset was needed; the hunter needed to be calm and collected, his mind quiet. The prey could sense the predator sometimes. That's why he had to be perfectly still- otherwise the deer would know he was there. He carefully pulled the string back, about to release it when an explosion rocked the meadow. The arrow flew from the bow, completely missing the deer as it bounded out of the meadow.
Eragon snarled as he turned from his missed shot to see what had caused the explosion. An acrid whiff of smoke greeted him, coming from a hole burned into the ground. Through trails of greenish smoke, he could see something resting inside of it. Curiously, he waved the smoke away and knelt next to the hole- the thing was an egg, or a stone shaped like an egg, of a deep, vivid blue.
He prodded the stone with his bow, fascinated by its sudden appearance. It rocked back and forth, but otherwise seemed harmless, so he reached out to touch it. The surface was smooth and cool, feeling almost like water or fine cloth, against his fingers. Eragon picked it up, expecting it to be heavier than it was, and looked closer. The stone wasn't entirely blue, but covered in a web of white lines.
It wasn't a deer, but it made a nice addition to his collection of curiosities that he had found in the Spine. Perhaps he'd show Roran, and gloat over having found something as valuable as this piece of rock had to be. Glancing up into the sky, he decided to find somewhere to make camp. Now that he'd lost the deer, he might as well return to Carvahall and his uncle.
Eragon crossed the meadow, holding the stone. There was a stream on the other side he could camp next to; he'd barely gotten to it when the stone rocked in his arms. He froze and held the stone at arm's lengths. It moved again, and he could hear something tapping from within it, trying to get out.
He cautiously put the stone down- it rocked and shook, cracks forming on its shell. The rising moon illuminated the area, giving Eragon a good view of what was happening. Several minutes passed as the stone bucked and trembled, its cracks growing larger and larger. Finally, one crack opened wide enough for something blue to show through- it was almost the same colour as the egg, which Eragon realized the stone obviously was, except that it wasn't marked with the same white lines. The thing wiggled and wobbled and broke off more of the shell, piece by piece, until a small lizard-like creature fell out of it.
Eragon watched as the blue lizard spread a pair of wings and bumbled around the broken egg shell as if looking for something. It keened a high-pitched wail that made Eragon wince.
"Shush!" he hissed, pressing his fingers to the tiny creature's mouth and forcing it closed. It blinked at him in surprise and tried to open its mouth to keen again. Eragon scowled at it and forced his will down on the lizard, like he did to the horses in his uncle's stable when they were restless. The lizard made a tiny, almost frightened sound and fixed its eyes on the boy.
For a moment, Eragon thought that it was going to bite him, but instead it started to glow. The light quickly covered his hand and he jerked it back, crying out in pain as his skin felt like it was being scorched. His mind felt like it was being forced open, letting him feel the lizard- and the animal was inside his thoughts, too, pushing and looking around. His lip curled and he shoved it out of his mind.
How dare it go in there?
It fled, but the connection between the two of them stayed; he could feel that it was hungry now, looking towards him for food. He flexed his right hand and looked at it, startled that the burning had stopped. On his palm was a strange silvery mark that made him almost remember something, a story or song from Brom, the crazy old storyteller. He tried to remember more, but it faded quickly from his mind as the lizard pressed more insistently for food. He pushed it to be quiet, and smirked in satisfaction as it listened.
Amused, he did pull some dried meat from his pack and fed it to the lizard. It snatched up the food eagerly, eating all of what he offered. He didn't give the creature all it wanted- he needed food for himself as well, and he had no intention of going hungry.
Eragon spread out his bedroll and started a fire, keeping one eye on the lizard. The light of the flames played off its scales, flickering and bleaching out the colour. He smiled- he enjoyed watching the fire, and the lizard's interest was obvious. He wondered what would happen if it touched the flames but to his disappointment, it didn't even try. He ate some of the remaining meat and sat up a little longer, watching the stars.
With the fire banked so he'd have coals to cook over in the morning, he slid into his bedroll. The lizard curled up on his chest and he nudged it irritably, pushing it down until it was more comfortable for him. The long trek of the day caught up to him, and sleep came quickly.
When he dreamed, he dreamed of dragons.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 11:13 pm (UTC)The part about how he enjoys killing deer is good. Hunting is common enough in our society that it might not click right away for many people. Boasting to Roran is another good example of something that doesn't sit quite right, but seems innocent enough at first. That he's partially aware of his powers and uses them in cruel ways on his horses is a good touch, but you need a more subtle way of describing it than, "forcing his will on" them, something that doesn't sound too bad unless you pause to think about it. The snarling and smirking just needs to go.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 12:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 01:10 am (UTC)Mind!
Your style is great, but you ought to be a bit more subtle on Eragon's...cruelty. Pretty much Karma mentioned everything I'd say--the snarling and smirking comes off too obvious that Eragon is Teh Bad Guy. But Bad Guys probably don't want to admit that they're Bad Guys, and claim that they Snarl and Smirk.
I like that Saphira hatches right away. After all, it doesn't make sense how in the book she's supposed to hatch when she finds her Rider, yet waits...how long before hatching? O well!
In any case, you might want Eragon speculating a bit when Saphira hatches. Also, he makes it seem like he's had someone try to get into his head before, the way he's able to push Saphira out. I don't know about you, but unless if someone expected that, I'd be a little freaked out if some lizard thing tried to get inside my head.
Also, he's a bit calm about it, like someone finding a lost puppy on the road. Unless if dragons happen to hatch in around people every day (or every other day), I'd imagine Eragon would probably be debating with himself as to what to do. After all, what if he suspected the "lizard" had its mother hanging around (lame as that may sound). You don't just find an egg in the middle of the forest, let it hatch into a dragon, and then claim it as your own. That's the danger of finding any baby wild animal.
That being said: Wouldn't Eragon be a little bit concerned? Doesn't he know what sort of problems this could cause if he brought it home?
You mention Brom as a crazy old story-teller, but why does Eragon think he's crazy? Other than to make him come off as more cruel, of course. And if Brom's so crazy, why would Eragon listen to his stories? Where does he listen to his stories, and what kind of stories does he usually tell that makes him crazy?
These are just some things to think about. Otherwise, I like the concept of making Eragon out to be a sociopathic villain, but you might want to make a more subtle approach. Good Villains don't know they're Villains, just as sociopaths probably don't call themselves sociopaths. Eragon just might think everyone else is. Heh.
When you said you were going to redo "Eragon", I was kind of hoping that, in spite of your new approach to the character, you would make him at least somewhat easier to relate to (unlike the canon Gary Stu!Eragon). I'm still rather hoping for this.
One thing I like about this is the lack of unnecessarily long "thought dialogue" Eragon had throughout the books. I hated the way he kept "talking" to himself. It was almost like I could see a thought bubble pop over his head. So yeah. Thanks for that.
Keep it up. Your style works so much better than Pao-Pao's.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 03:39 am (UTC)Also: research is your friend. If you've decided that Eragon is going to be insane, you should look up mental and personality disorders and really get a good, solid idea of exactly what's wrong with him.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 12:46 pm (UTC)That said, this is very good, and worlds better than Chris P's book. ^^
*hearts to the final line*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-23 09:05 pm (UTC)And I suppose I should also take some of the blame for amping up Eragon's vicious-bastardness. I have a weakness for them. >.>