Eragon pt. thrity one
Feb. 17th, 2007 04:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kippurbirdChapters The Shadows Lengthen, Battle under Farthen Dur, the Mourning Sage
Summary
Last leg people! Here we go!
Eragon gets woken up from his sleep by a dwarf. Something urgent is happening. Ajihad needs to see him right away! Going down there's apparently something very serious happening. Urgals are attacking. There's an army of them about a day's march away in the tunnels and are going to attack the city from under ground.
Wait... We're three chapters away from the end of the book and he's randomly dropping in an army of Urgals? An army of Urgals that has not been seen or mentioned or even hinted at? They're just showing up out of no where?
Just... because... apparently... we need a climatic battle sequence to finish the book ...maybe? Because there isn't really a reason to have a random army of Urgals running around? So... and...and.. *dies from the stupidity finally*
*A pretty man in his mid twenties wanders in. He has black hair and brown eyes. His ears are pointed and he's wearing a sword, some jeans and a tunic with combat boots. He nudges the body for a moment before turning to face the readers.*
Hi. I'm Alec, Kippur's muse. Apparently she's dead, so I'll be taking over until she revives.
Right, so random army of Urgals show up. How are they getting there? Apparently the dwarves for some reason have a lot of abandoned tunnels. Tunnels that they built and then were uninhabited from the day they were mine. Which, of course, is not reasonable. You do not spend your time and energy digging through rock and then not use it. Unless you are a completely and utterly idiotic people. Like these dwarves appear to be. Apparently only weird dwarves go there.
And apparently the invading army is also led by a bunch of idiots because instead of laying siege to the dwarf city, they're actively going to attack it. Through the tunnels. They have a city that's completely reliant on outside food sources and they're attacking it. Through the tunnels. You do not attack people through tunnels. The invading army is always at at disadvantage because they're in tight quarters and they need to get their people through while the defenders only need a few people to stop them from coming through. It's elementary battle tactics.
Apparently the Varden have missed a bunch of Urgal armies going to this one abandoned city. Ajihad says, "I suspect that Orthiad is now being called Ithro Zhada. That's where the Urgal column that was chasing Eragon and Saphira was supposed to go, and I'm sure it's where the Urgals have been migrating all year." (468)
Now. We have a bunch of evil creatures. They're migrating near your secret hide out. And you don't follow them to where they're going? You just sort of watch them as they pass by and wave? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Really? I mean... just... you know what? You guys don't deserve to win. I'm sorry. I'm revoking your life pass because you're just too stupid to go on.
They don't even know how many Urgals there are! Have they not been paying attention to these Urgal columns that have been marching by? Or do they just go, "Oh look, some Urgals. Oh what's that? Something shiny! WHOO!"
So, they decide on a course of action. Now, what I would do is to plant traps in all the tunnels and force the invaders back out of them to where they came from thus not letting them near where we are located. I would then block off the tunnels. I would have already had food enough for a siege. I wouldn't have built a city that can be cut off from it's food supply so readily. But anyway, then I would take a contingent of soldiers to where ever they are and attack their food supplies and essentially put them under siege. Do, maybe some guerrilla attacks. There have to be passes in the mountains that we can use.
What do they do?
"Our only hope is to contain the Urgals in three of the larger tunnels and channel them into Farthen Dur [that's the valley where the Dwarf City is located] so they don't swarm inside Tronjheim like locusts." (469)
So... they're going let the enemy forces, the enemy forces with the superior numbers, into their enclosed valley to fight them, giving them the narrow pass/tunnels to defend. Exactly what I would do. Except not.
Apparently the reason why the don't shut all the tunnels down is that the Urgals may go into a place that they don't want them to or attack other dwarf cities. This is what we call poor planning. See, if you have tunnels you should have a way to close them off in case of attack. Thus preventing people you don't want to get in. Dwarves are supposed to be master craftsmen, I'm quite certain they're capable of coming up with some really, really, sturdy doors. Also, the city of Tronjheim is built upon a dense network of tunnels so if they collapse some of them, the city on top may collapse too.
I think the city planers must have been on some very special mushrooms when they came up with this plan.
Now, it was previously mentioned that in times of attack the city could hold the entire population of the dwarves, so one would assume that it's got some good defenses. Apparently it is not because they have to evacuate the civilian population to surrounding valleys.
Where there may be Urgals.
Yes.
So, Eragon, all tingly with the fear of upcoming battle goes to collapse some tunnels. The collapse some tunnels. Eragon apparently is so powerful now that collapsing tunnels doesn't seem to tire him out.
The dwarves, who do not like dragons, then present Eragon and Saphira with some dwarf made dragon armor that was just sitting around and apparently fits. Aren't they lucky?
My wife, Verra, is a dragon. She doesn't need to wear armor to stop arrows. Her scales are as hard as diamonds. Which stops arrows quite well and saves on the hassle of having to put on armor and having it get ruined or rusted or out grown. While the dragon armor may look neat, I think Verra's much better off.
They also conveniently have armor for Eragon to wear. "A stiff shirt of leather-backed mail that fell to his knees like a skirt. It rested heavily on his shoulders and clinked when he moved. He belted Zar'roc over it which helped keep the mail from swinging. On his head went a leather cap, then a mail coif and finally a gold-and-silver helm. Bracers were strapped to his forarms and greaves to his lower legs. For his hands there were mail-backed gloves. Last, Orik handed him a broad shield emblazoned with an oak tree" (474)
Now, as a comparison I also have some armor that I wear. It's a leather and mail jerkin and some bracers. I do not wear anything heavier than that because I was not trained in wearing anything heavier than that. It took me months to learn how to fight wearing that armor. Armor is heavy, even the armor I have. It restricts movement. It's something I couldn't fight in well when I first put it on because I wasn't used to it. I don't use a shield. I have a shield, but I don't use it. Why? Because I don't know how to use it. If I were to take the shield into battle with me I would end up hurting myself more than hurting the other guy. The style of sword fighting that I was trained in requires that I keep my off hand free, or with a smaller weapon. I can't use a shield.
But Eragon, apparently, is special enough that putting on the armor is enough to teach him how to move in it. And apparently it doesn't hinder his movement in any way or make him tired from wearing it. He wears it like it's a new jacket, as opposed to a lot of heavy metal.
So, they prepare for battle. Murtagh is allowed out of his cage, I mean room, to fight to prove his good intentions. Elf Sue is also fighting because apparently she has a debt of honor or something. Eragon tells her to stay safe, for his happiness. Isn't teenage love cute?
They sit around all night, waiting. And then they take a nap. In the armor.
Elf Sue wakes him up. Apparently she's an archer, but she's around the melee people. Why is there an archer with the melee people? She'll have more of a chance to hit a friend than a foe while within the melee ranks. This is why Archers have their own position with in the battle ranks. So they don't hit their own side. And in melee, I don't care what Leggy did, a bow is a liability not an asset.
Eragon also has a bow. I think it's a long bow. Not important. What is important is that he's shooting within the melee ranks towards the oncoming Urgals while the archers, in the archer's ranks are shooting. There is a reason why you have a different place for the archers than the melee fighters. So that the archers don't hit their own side.
The Urgals prove that they have all the intelligence of moldy cheese by leaving the safety of the tunnels to fight against the people out in the open. They even charge.
Then they fight. Lots of Urgals fall to Zar'roc's thirsty bite. Saphira, stupidly, stays on the ground instead of attacking from the sky. If this was Verra, she's be flaming too, making strafing runs. It's much harder to hit a moving, flying target that breathes fire! But apparently Saphira sucks at being a dragon because she doesn't breathe fire. Saphira, because of this, becomes encircled by a bunch of spear wielding Urgals letting Eragon go into a blood frenzy to free her.
Finally she and Eragon actually FLY. Took them long enough. They fight. Eragon helps King Dwarf. King dwarf is wearing golden armor, thus making him a target and an idiot because gold sucks as armor. Very pretty, but sucks as armor. Saphira lands to fight, again, showing all the brains of a tapeworm, no offense to the tapeworm. Dwarf king is described as using his hammer to sound the gong of death for each enemy he smote. Yes, gong of death. I'm thinking like that gong show, where they rang the gong when you sucked. I'm sorry, you suck, die now.
Blah more fighting. Angela the witch is there as well as Serious Ass, both fight. There's a ridiculous number ofOrcs.. Urgals.
The battle is going badly, they're out numbered. They fighting continues for hours. No one appears to die during the battle. At least no good guys. Why aren't they dead from exhaustion yet?
Then apparently people are trying to get inside the dwarf city from the tunnels below. Saphira's armor takes a large blow making it hard for her to breath, but she manages to get them up to the dragonhold in time for Eragon to slide all the way down to the bottom. This is the only reason why the slide was put into the story, so that Eragon could slide all the way down in a dramatic manner. By himself.
He has no back up, and he goes to fight an unknown number of Urgals, by himself.
Apparently he's suicidal.
The Urgals show up and so does Durza.
Durza and Eragon fight, both physically and mentally. Durza trying to get into Eragon's brain. Mind. Thing which he does not have. Despite having been fighting for several hours, Eragon has enough energy to give Durza a decent fight. Despite this, Eragon manages to get into Durza's head. And we get the lifetime channel's version of Durza's life. Yes, really. Apparently Durza was not a bad person. He was just possessed by one. I really don't care. This isn't the time to be giving me this information.
If you're at all interested, Durza is another Tragic Stu. His parents were horribly murdered. He even weeps at their graves wishing he has been taken too. He nearly dies in the desert. He's rescue by a sorcerer. The Sorcerer trains him and calls him, "Desert Rat" isn't that cute? Then more people come by and kill off his mentor. He summon spirits for vengeance and instead got possessed. Tragic no? Yes? Don't really care? Want him to die now?
Durza, while all this is getting dumped into Eragon's empty little head, hits Eragon on the back with his sword cutting through his armor and skin. He nearly drops unconscious but is saved by Saphira breaking through the gem and finally using fire Elf Sue on her back using magic. This distracts Durza long enough for Eragon to hit him through the heart.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to hit someone directly in the heart under normal battle circumstances? This is what the ribcage is for. To protect your heart from getting stabbed. You are not going to be managing such a shot under the circumstances Eragon was in. Unless of course you are Eragon and have to make the hit so that way you can be one of the three people who killed a Shade and lived.
Eragon then proceeds to have a case of the vapors and faints.
*looks at Kippur's body.* Ah, it looks like she's back for the final chapter! Well, it was nice doing this. *wanders off*
*Kippur staggers up and takes a deep breath.* Final chapter people! Hang in there.
Eragon, having mind melded with Durza the Shade isn't sure who he is any more. I'm certain this is from somewhere, I just can't place where. He eventually sorts himself out and reflects on what has happened to him. Then Eragon is contacted by Yoda. Yes. Yoda. The person who contacts him (Named Osthato Chetowa, the Mourning Sage; Togirga Ikonoka, the Cripple Who is Whole, but will be called Yoda for convinence sake) basically tells him to go with Elf Sue to the Elf lands so that Yoda can train him.
Yoda tells him that what he has done was a great deed and modestly Eragon thinks, "The stranger was right; what he had accomplished was worthy of honor, of recognition. No matter what his trials might be in the future, he was no longer just a pawn in the game of power. He had transcended that and was something else, something more. He had become what Ajihad wanted; an authority independent of any king or leader" (494) Beyond the fact that just killing something doesn't negate your pawnage in the game of chess, Eragon's ego just inflated to about the size of ... the dwarf city. Which makes him even more unlikeable because who wants to read about a guy who goes around saying how great they are?
Eragon wakes up, there's a happy reunion. Apparently killing Durza was the key to defeating the Urgals because when he died they started to fight each other. In the middle of battle. They start fighting each other, instead of the people trying to kill them. These creatures are not evil. They're ... very strong word indicating lack of intelligence to the nth degree.
There's some talk about the Twins not answering Eragon, Murtagh says they were fighting off Urgals and were busy, Eragon of course doesn't believe this.
And then we learn that Eragon has a scar just like Murtagh. Apparently this scar makes him disfigured. His back is no longer baby smooth, so apparently he's horribly disfigured. It's not like the scar is ruining his good looks. It's on his back. Which is perfectly easy to hide. He's not disfigured. But apparently to his Stuish self this means disfigurement.
Hi, me again. I would just like to point out that I have a scar. On my face. And I don't consider myself disfigured. If anything it just enhances my looks.
The book ends with Eragon vowing to go see Yoda.
And thus ends our journey with Eragon.
I will end with a haiku.
Eragon has many pages
Nothing interesting happens within it
The book, finally is over.
Summary
Last leg people! Here we go!
Eragon gets woken up from his sleep by a dwarf. Something urgent is happening. Ajihad needs to see him right away! Going down there's apparently something very serious happening. Urgals are attacking. There's an army of them about a day's march away in the tunnels and are going to attack the city from under ground.
Wait... We're three chapters away from the end of the book and he's randomly dropping in an army of Urgals? An army of Urgals that has not been seen or mentioned or even hinted at? They're just showing up out of no where?
Just... because... apparently... we need a climatic battle sequence to finish the book ...maybe? Because there isn't really a reason to have a random army of Urgals running around? So... and...and.. *dies from the stupidity finally*
*A pretty man in his mid twenties wanders in. He has black hair and brown eyes. His ears are pointed and he's wearing a sword, some jeans and a tunic with combat boots. He nudges the body for a moment before turning to face the readers.*
Hi. I'm Alec, Kippur's muse. Apparently she's dead, so I'll be taking over until she revives.
Right, so random army of Urgals show up. How are they getting there? Apparently the dwarves for some reason have a lot of abandoned tunnels. Tunnels that they built and then were uninhabited from the day they were mine. Which, of course, is not reasonable. You do not spend your time and energy digging through rock and then not use it. Unless you are a completely and utterly idiotic people. Like these dwarves appear to be. Apparently only weird dwarves go there.
And apparently the invading army is also led by a bunch of idiots because instead of laying siege to the dwarf city, they're actively going to attack it. Through the tunnels. They have a city that's completely reliant on outside food sources and they're attacking it. Through the tunnels. You do not attack people through tunnels. The invading army is always at at disadvantage because they're in tight quarters and they need to get their people through while the defenders only need a few people to stop them from coming through. It's elementary battle tactics.
Apparently the Varden have missed a bunch of Urgal armies going to this one abandoned city. Ajihad says, "I suspect that Orthiad is now being called Ithro Zhada. That's where the Urgal column that was chasing Eragon and Saphira was supposed to go, and I'm sure it's where the Urgals have been migrating all year." (468)
Now. We have a bunch of evil creatures. They're migrating near your secret hide out. And you don't follow them to where they're going? You just sort of watch them as they pass by and wave? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Really? I mean... just... you know what? You guys don't deserve to win. I'm sorry. I'm revoking your life pass because you're just too stupid to go on.
They don't even know how many Urgals there are! Have they not been paying attention to these Urgal columns that have been marching by? Or do they just go, "Oh look, some Urgals. Oh what's that? Something shiny! WHOO!"
So, they decide on a course of action. Now, what I would do is to plant traps in all the tunnels and force the invaders back out of them to where they came from thus not letting them near where we are located. I would then block off the tunnels. I would have already had food enough for a siege. I wouldn't have built a city that can be cut off from it's food supply so readily. But anyway, then I would take a contingent of soldiers to where ever they are and attack their food supplies and essentially put them under siege. Do, maybe some guerrilla attacks. There have to be passes in the mountains that we can use.
What do they do?
"Our only hope is to contain the Urgals in three of the larger tunnels and channel them into Farthen Dur [that's the valley where the Dwarf City is located] so they don't swarm inside Tronjheim like locusts." (469)
So... they're going let the enemy forces, the enemy forces with the superior numbers, into their enclosed valley to fight them, giving them the narrow pass/tunnels to defend. Exactly what I would do. Except not.
Apparently the reason why the don't shut all the tunnels down is that the Urgals may go into a place that they don't want them to or attack other dwarf cities. This is what we call poor planning. See, if you have tunnels you should have a way to close them off in case of attack. Thus preventing people you don't want to get in. Dwarves are supposed to be master craftsmen, I'm quite certain they're capable of coming up with some really, really, sturdy doors. Also, the city of Tronjheim is built upon a dense network of tunnels so if they collapse some of them, the city on top may collapse too.
I think the city planers must have been on some very special mushrooms when they came up with this plan.
Now, it was previously mentioned that in times of attack the city could hold the entire population of the dwarves, so one would assume that it's got some good defenses. Apparently it is not because they have to evacuate the civilian population to surrounding valleys.
Where there may be Urgals.
Yes.
So, Eragon, all tingly with the fear of upcoming battle goes to collapse some tunnels. The collapse some tunnels. Eragon apparently is so powerful now that collapsing tunnels doesn't seem to tire him out.
The dwarves, who do not like dragons, then present Eragon and Saphira with some dwarf made dragon armor that was just sitting around and apparently fits. Aren't they lucky?
My wife, Verra, is a dragon. She doesn't need to wear armor to stop arrows. Her scales are as hard as diamonds. Which stops arrows quite well and saves on the hassle of having to put on armor and having it get ruined or rusted or out grown. While the dragon armor may look neat, I think Verra's much better off.
They also conveniently have armor for Eragon to wear. "A stiff shirt of leather-backed mail that fell to his knees like a skirt. It rested heavily on his shoulders and clinked when he moved. He belted Zar'roc over it which helped keep the mail from swinging. On his head went a leather cap, then a mail coif and finally a gold-and-silver helm. Bracers were strapped to his forarms and greaves to his lower legs. For his hands there were mail-backed gloves. Last, Orik handed him a broad shield emblazoned with an oak tree" (474)
Now, as a comparison I also have some armor that I wear. It's a leather and mail jerkin and some bracers. I do not wear anything heavier than that because I was not trained in wearing anything heavier than that. It took me months to learn how to fight wearing that armor. Armor is heavy, even the armor I have. It restricts movement. It's something I couldn't fight in well when I first put it on because I wasn't used to it. I don't use a shield. I have a shield, but I don't use it. Why? Because I don't know how to use it. If I were to take the shield into battle with me I would end up hurting myself more than hurting the other guy. The style of sword fighting that I was trained in requires that I keep my off hand free, or with a smaller weapon. I can't use a shield.
But Eragon, apparently, is special enough that putting on the armor is enough to teach him how to move in it. And apparently it doesn't hinder his movement in any way or make him tired from wearing it. He wears it like it's a new jacket, as opposed to a lot of heavy metal.
So, they prepare for battle. Murtagh is allowed out of his cage, I mean room, to fight to prove his good intentions. Elf Sue is also fighting because apparently she has a debt of honor or something. Eragon tells her to stay safe, for his happiness. Isn't teenage love cute?
They sit around all night, waiting. And then they take a nap. In the armor.
Elf Sue wakes him up. Apparently she's an archer, but she's around the melee people. Why is there an archer with the melee people? She'll have more of a chance to hit a friend than a foe while within the melee ranks. This is why Archers have their own position with in the battle ranks. So they don't hit their own side. And in melee, I don't care what Leggy did, a bow is a liability not an asset.
Eragon also has a bow. I think it's a long bow. Not important. What is important is that he's shooting within the melee ranks towards the oncoming Urgals while the archers, in the archer's ranks are shooting. There is a reason why you have a different place for the archers than the melee fighters. So that the archers don't hit their own side.
The Urgals prove that they have all the intelligence of moldy cheese by leaving the safety of the tunnels to fight against the people out in the open. They even charge.
Then they fight. Lots of Urgals fall to Zar'roc's thirsty bite. Saphira, stupidly, stays on the ground instead of attacking from the sky. If this was Verra, she's be flaming too, making strafing runs. It's much harder to hit a moving, flying target that breathes fire! But apparently Saphira sucks at being a dragon because she doesn't breathe fire. Saphira, because of this, becomes encircled by a bunch of spear wielding Urgals letting Eragon go into a blood frenzy to free her.
Finally she and Eragon actually FLY. Took them long enough. They fight. Eragon helps King Dwarf. King dwarf is wearing golden armor, thus making him a target and an idiot because gold sucks as armor. Very pretty, but sucks as armor. Saphira lands to fight, again, showing all the brains of a tapeworm, no offense to the tapeworm. Dwarf king is described as using his hammer to sound the gong of death for each enemy he smote. Yes, gong of death. I'm thinking like that gong show, where they rang the gong when you sucked. I'm sorry, you suck, die now.
Blah more fighting. Angela the witch is there as well as Serious Ass, both fight. There's a ridiculous number of
The battle is going badly, they're out numbered. They fighting continues for hours. No one appears to die during the battle. At least no good guys. Why aren't they dead from exhaustion yet?
Then apparently people are trying to get inside the dwarf city from the tunnels below. Saphira's armor takes a large blow making it hard for her to breath, but she manages to get them up to the dragonhold in time for Eragon to slide all the way down to the bottom. This is the only reason why the slide was put into the story, so that Eragon could slide all the way down in a dramatic manner. By himself.
He has no back up, and he goes to fight an unknown number of Urgals, by himself.
Apparently he's suicidal.
The Urgals show up and so does Durza.
Durza and Eragon fight, both physically and mentally. Durza trying to get into Eragon's brain. Mind. Thing which he does not have. Despite having been fighting for several hours, Eragon has enough energy to give Durza a decent fight. Despite this, Eragon manages to get into Durza's head. And we get the lifetime channel's version of Durza's life. Yes, really. Apparently Durza was not a bad person. He was just possessed by one. I really don't care. This isn't the time to be giving me this information.
If you're at all interested, Durza is another Tragic Stu. His parents were horribly murdered. He even weeps at their graves wishing he has been taken too. He nearly dies in the desert. He's rescue by a sorcerer. The Sorcerer trains him and calls him, "Desert Rat" isn't that cute? Then more people come by and kill off his mentor. He summon spirits for vengeance and instead got possessed. Tragic no? Yes? Don't really care? Want him to die now?
Durza, while all this is getting dumped into Eragon's empty little head, hits Eragon on the back with his sword cutting through his armor and skin. He nearly drops unconscious but is saved by Saphira breaking through the gem and finally using fire Elf Sue on her back using magic. This distracts Durza long enough for Eragon to hit him through the heart.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to hit someone directly in the heart under normal battle circumstances? This is what the ribcage is for. To protect your heart from getting stabbed. You are not going to be managing such a shot under the circumstances Eragon was in. Unless of course you are Eragon and have to make the hit so that way you can be one of the three people who killed a Shade and lived.
Eragon then proceeds to have a case of the vapors and faints.
*looks at Kippur's body.* Ah, it looks like she's back for the final chapter! Well, it was nice doing this. *wanders off*
*Kippur staggers up and takes a deep breath.* Final chapter people! Hang in there.
Eragon, having mind melded with Durza the Shade isn't sure who he is any more. I'm certain this is from somewhere, I just can't place where. He eventually sorts himself out and reflects on what has happened to him. Then Eragon is contacted by Yoda. Yes. Yoda. The person who contacts him (Named Osthato Chetowa, the Mourning Sage; Togirga Ikonoka, the Cripple Who is Whole, but will be called Yoda for convinence sake) basically tells him to go with Elf Sue to the Elf lands so that Yoda can train him.
Yoda tells him that what he has done was a great deed and modestly Eragon thinks, "The stranger was right; what he had accomplished was worthy of honor, of recognition. No matter what his trials might be in the future, he was no longer just a pawn in the game of power. He had transcended that and was something else, something more. He had become what Ajihad wanted; an authority independent of any king or leader" (494) Beyond the fact that just killing something doesn't negate your pawnage in the game of chess, Eragon's ego just inflated to about the size of ... the dwarf city. Which makes him even more unlikeable because who wants to read about a guy who goes around saying how great they are?
Eragon wakes up, there's a happy reunion. Apparently killing Durza was the key to defeating the Urgals because when he died they started to fight each other. In the middle of battle. They start fighting each other, instead of the people trying to kill them. These creatures are not evil. They're ... very strong word indicating lack of intelligence to the nth degree.
There's some talk about the Twins not answering Eragon, Murtagh says they were fighting off Urgals and were busy, Eragon of course doesn't believe this.
And then we learn that Eragon has a scar just like Murtagh. Apparently this scar makes him disfigured. His back is no longer baby smooth, so apparently he's horribly disfigured. It's not like the scar is ruining his good looks. It's on his back. Which is perfectly easy to hide. He's not disfigured. But apparently to his Stuish self this means disfigurement.
Hi, me again. I would just like to point out that I have a scar. On my face. And I don't consider myself disfigured. If anything it just enhances my looks.
The book ends with Eragon vowing to go see Yoda.
And thus ends our journey with Eragon.
I will end with a haiku.
Eragon has many pages
Nothing interesting happens within it
The book, finally is over.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
And I will comment with a haiku
Date: 2007-02-18 07:40 am (UTC)Stabbings in the face need to happen now
In face with fire.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 07:54 am (UTC)For the departed brain cells
Of brave Kippurbird's.
No, seriously. You are a brave, brave person, and given us a tour de force of all the plotholes and general bad-ness of this book that will put us off it forever more. I salute you, Miss Kippur, for daring to take down this monstrosity.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 08:03 am (UTC)Don't listen to him.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 08:24 am (UTC)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DBUW7o1lPI
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 08:30 am (UTC)Alec! Nice to meet you, but could you please tone down your font colour hon?
*Of course where there's a pretty male elf, Q's resident Bondage elf
Q: Behave, Suicide.
Side: But-..but...*The overly peirced elf then realizes being a snivveling little vagina won't help matters. He clears his throat and offers a hand. "Suicide of Cope-Gate, I'm sure we'll have one joyous little discussion here."
Q: Apparently you missed the 'My wife, Verra, is a dragon' bit.
Side: *Jingley Earwilt*...aww! *Listens to Alec's review* ...Great, now I'm picturing him in armor.
Elf sue wakes him up, apparently she's an archer
Side: Aren't we all?
Q: That wasn't subtext, Side.
Side: Wasn't it, Q? *Watches Alec wander off* Hey wait! Come back! I like the scar! Wanna see mine?!
Q:...Sorry about that. He's a bit desperate.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 08:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 09:19 am (UTC)In the meantime, I'll be waiting to hear some more from you.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 10:06 am (UTC)We can also assume that no one thought of the possibilities of the dangers of having tunnels built directly under a city in the first place. I'm surprised that the Dwarf City didn't collapse or anything. I don't care how sturdy those tunnels are or how crafty these dwarves might be: If they're too stupid to have created a decent defense system, they're most likely too stupid to realize the hazards of building so many large underground tunnels without completely ruining the land.
You know what? Fuckit. Let it collapse. They'll all die. The End.
We wish.
Christ. Were Paolini's editors even reading any of this before publishing it, or did they just...briefly graze over the entire manuscript and called it done? Yar, sez I.
On a final note: I, too, shall contribute a haiku. Because bandwagons are fun.
hark! my brain just died
worms crawling all over it
lets bury this book
Wonderful critiques, all the way through, as always. I look forward to seeing the mental damage "Eldest" will bring. But until then, go read some good literature!
O yes, and it was a pleasure meeting Alec.
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Date: 2007-02-18 10:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 04:22 pm (UTC)Oh, Paolini, you did not just rip off Dune! You childish, arrogant amateur! *stabs*
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Date: 2007-02-18 05:43 pm (UTC)*walks off, foaming and ranting*
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Date: 2007-02-18 05:58 pm (UTC)Wow nice sporkign you two. *Offers Bleeprin and E - chocolate* You make a great team. Are you going to spork the Eldest?
Frodo_Harry
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Date: 2007-02-18 06:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 06:13 pm (UTC)That part where Durza is in Eragon's head and Eragon doesn't quite know who he is sounds like an X-Men rip-off to me. In case you weren't knowledgeable, a character named Rogue, when she touches people, can basically suck the life out of them, including their thoughts and memories. During the first X-Men movie, she touches her boyfriend, Wolverine, and Magneto (I think, but I could be wrong), so she has those three people in her head for a long time.
Aaaaanywho, well done, kippur. You have looked into the maw of Horrendous Fiction and lived to tell the tale. You have walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Gary Stu and you have survived the treacherous plot holes and poisonous prose. You've braved the depths of Fucking Bad Writing and made an amusing, insightful tale out of it. Yaaaaaaay for endings!
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Date: 2007-02-18 07:17 pm (UTC)xD
Though, can I say that I love you and possibly want to have scientifcally made children with you? =] I didn't want to waste my money on the book and you have saved me from entirely scorching my eyes. <33
You, dearest, are my new hero.
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Date: 2007-02-18 07:32 pm (UTC)The amount of gold armour I've read of since Paolini was published makes me cringe. I wonder if I could get them to hold still while I demonstrated what a claymour does to a gold suit of armor.
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Date: 2007-02-18 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 07:43 pm (UTC)The Durza head thing is actually... sort of interesting. Not because of what it is, but because of what it might be, and because of what Paolini might have thought it was. Is that some gray I see there? Where did that come from? And what's with the parallels to Eragon's life? Could Paolini possibly have done that on purpose? How could it possibly have been an accident? If he meant it, what was he trying to say? That Eragon somehow took the right path and prevailed? But Eragon is exactly the same. More than anything, it astonishes me that Paolini could have come this close to seeing the truth only to turn a blind eye.
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Date: 2007-02-18 09:16 pm (UTC)Kips says that she's going to be doing Eldest, but not for a bit. She needs some down time and some good literature before she can deal with it.
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Date: 2007-02-18 09:22 pm (UTC)I imagine Paolini's editors were his parents who of course couldn't bare to change his work in any way, because he was their son and of course perfect. As other people have commented if he had gone the regular way, he would have been thrown back with a rejection letter rather quickly.
I'm looking forward to the mental damage of Eldest too. Which probably says a lot about me.
Alec says hi back and that it was a pleasure talking to you.
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Date: 2007-02-18 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 09:30 pm (UTC)Yay for endings indeed. But boo for upcoming novels. Like Eldest.
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Date: 2007-02-18 09:33 pm (UTC)I didn't waste my money on the book either. I checked it out from the library. Cheep and I don't have to have it in my house when I'm done with it. It's worth looking at for the unintentional humor in it. But don't buy it at all. It's not worth the money.
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Date: 2007-02-18 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 10:27 pm (UTC)For I shall never ever
Ever read this book.
Erk.
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Date: 2007-02-18 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-18 10:47 pm (UTC)You know what this reminds me of, more than anything else? It sounds just like the ending to The Red Badge of Courage, only - and here's the big thing - not ironic.
It just hit me - Eragon is Henry Flemming if he lived in a fantasy world (literally, as opposed to figuratively, because, figuratively, he does), and if said world were constantly reshaping itself to conform to his hopeless dreams.
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Date: 2007-02-18 11:28 pm (UTC)Eragon then proceeds to have a case of the vapors and faints.
This may go down in the history of Eragon-land as the boy's most notable characteristic. Good King Eragon the Swoony, they'll call him.
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Date: 2007-02-19 03:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 06:54 am (UTC)Then charge admission.
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Date: 2007-02-19 07:01 am (UTC)Also, in the Belgariad... 'Enchanter's End Game', I think, there is a character wearing armor with gold in it. The gold is embossed in. He is also the emperor, and the author has taken great pains to make sure we're aware the man is not a fighter. He's small, old, frail, given to fits. Quite rightly, nobody takes the armor seriously except 'Oooh, it LOOKS impressive'. His daughter even calls it 'silly'.
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Date: 2007-02-19 07:03 am (UTC)And yeah, I can't figure out where or if I've seen anything like that scene where Eragon can't tell who he is...
And... Mourning Sage? Cripple who is Whole? Gag.
Anyways, great sporking! Look forward to more!
Try huge birthmarks on for size
Date: 2007-02-19 08:08 am (UTC)Laurel: I'm not scarred but I'm surprised that I'm not, considering how clumsy I am. And umm... I was a very devoted priestess but when I finally received the honor of meeting my Goddess, in person, she turned me into a wolf-woman (still clumsy.) Then Jibe and Fitz betrayed us all and killed her right after that. I had no idea what to do for quite awhile. o_o
Ula: Stop whining, li'l sis'. You're not dead yet. Besides, you're the protagonist. Didn't you read the contract when you signed up for the role?
Laurel: I ummm... I was just very happy someone wanted to write about me... about our clan. I didn't read the fine print about trauma. ._.
Ula: Suck it in and keep going. Remember, you've got a safety net.
Also, Durza needs to stop trying to be Grima. Or whatever. I'm also someone who likes the general idea but hates the apparent execution.
Good job, though! I feel so bad for dwarves right now. They don't get anywhere near enough love and thought. :(
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Date: 2007-02-19 08:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 08:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 05:56 pm (UTC)WHAT?!?!?!
Date: 2007-02-19 06:18 pm (UTC)*ahem* Sorry. I guess I should introduce myself. I'm one of Karma's characters, though she won't let me say which. I didn't get any damn contract. The author keeps changing her mind about what to do to me. I've gone from having a few scars on my arms and back to being horrifically crippled and disfigured. My face is a mess. I can't use my right arm. I walk with a limp and a cane. Kids my own age call me "grandma," the little hellions. Let me tell you something, Mr. Dragon Rider: you don't know a thing about what it feels like to not be whole anymore.
And you can keep your safety nets, thank you. I think that somehow a certain someone has actually started to notice my character sheild. And figure out ways around it. And it's been bad.
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Date: 2007-02-20 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-20 03:36 am (UTC)And yes, I am rather partial to the name Eragon the Swoony.
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Date: 2008-02-28 08:18 am (UTC)While I have plenty of time for writing and goofing off, I wouldn't be able to pimp my book. Except on the internet. I could totally do that.
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Date: 2009-06-17 09:06 am (UTC)Also? Eragon is a weird world since no one's horrible tragic past is a Freudian Excuse for evil but instead proves they're really good guys.