In which we see what happens when Kippur reads Chick Tracts and is Manic.

[kippurbird]

This is all the_norseman's fault.






Eragon Tracts: The dangers of eating meat.


Page One, Panel one:

Eragon, our Shiny Hero, the picture of Innocence is having a Bonding Moment with the Baby Dragon he has found. They are Cute and Adorable.

Eragon: I’m so Happy to have found you Saphira! You’re the best thing that has happened to me.

Saphira: Meep!

Page One Panel two:

Eragon and Saphira are frolicking in the woods, they are bathed in sunlight and looking pure and innocent. Hidden in the shadows is an old lecherous looking man. This is Brom. He’s watching Eragon and Saphira.

Brom Thought: Look at them! At last! My chance to prove my self and my ways were right as a Dragon Rider.


Page one Panel three: Brom approaches Eragon and Saphira. He looks pleasant and friendly, though he is cast in shadows. Eragon and Saphira are still in the Light.

Brom: Eragon! It’s so good to see you. I see you have a dragon. I too was once a dragon rider, let me show you their ways.

Page one Panel four: Innocent Eragon is delighted at the idea, though Saphira looks worried.

Eragon: I didn’t know that! But I’m glad you’re willing to teach me! I can’t wait to learn!



Page two Panel one:

Brom and Eragon are riding Horses while Saphira, much larger now, flies above them. She looks down at them sadly, but doesn’t say anything.

Brom: One of the most important aspects of being a rider is meat. It’s a way for them to bond with their dragons as dragons also eat meat. There are, of course, many different kinds of meat.

Eragon: (Surprised) There is! I only thought it came from the flesh of animals.


Page two Panel two:

A greedy look on Brom’s face as he looks at Pure Innocent Eragon.

Brom: You have much to learn, my young rider.


Page two panel three:

Brom and Eragon are sitting at a fire; Brom is talking while Eragon listens intently. Saphira is sitting behind Eragon, watching, fire reflected in her eyes.

Brom: There are three kinds of meat. The meat we eat. The meat of battle and…

Page two panel four:

Brom is now kissingly close to Eragon:

Brom: The meat of love and desire.


Page three Panel one

Again Brom and Eragon are riding. This time we see them from afar. Saphira, still larger flying above them.

Text box: And so Brom taught Eragon the ways of meat.

Page three Panel two

Eragon and Brom are hunting with a pebble.

Brom: Excellent!

Text box: The meat of the hunt and food.

Page three Panel three

Brom and Eragon are fighting with sticks.
Brom: Yes, yes!

Text box: The meat of battle


Page three panel four:

And now the two of them are in a passionate embrace.

Brom: Oh yes! Yes Eragon! Yes!

Text box: And the meat of love.


Page four Panel one:

Brom and Eragon are sitting at their fire sharing meat.

Page four panel two:

Suddenly they’re attacked! Brom goes down!

Page four panel three:

Eragon reaches for Brom in a desperate gesture.

Eragon: Brom! NO!

Page four Panel Three:

The ra’zac, evil Crow like Creatures are dancing around like Demons.

Ra’Zac: Krack! Krack! KRACK!



Page five: Panel one

Eragon wakes up. He’s safe. And there is a handsome young man. Murtagh.

Murtagh: You’re awake. .Good. I was worried about you.


Page five Panel two:

Close up on Eragon. He looks worried.
Eragon: What about Brom?

Page five Panel three

Murtagh looks down, obviously sad.

Murtagh: I’m sorry. He didn’t make it.

Page five panel four:

Back to the close up on Eragon. He’s filled with despair.

Eragon: NOOOOO!!!


Page six panel one

Eragon is standing at a crystal grave where Brom is buried. His head is bowed and Saphira stands over him.

Eragon: I will miss you Brom. You taught me much about the ways of the world and the ways of meat. I hope to do well in your memory.

Page six panel two:

Eragon’s face turns into shock as he starts to have a vision. It’s of a beautiful elf girl who seems to cry out for help.

Page six panel three;

Eragon turns to Saphira and Murtagh who is all of a sudden there.

Eragon: I just had a vision of a woman in danger, an elf! She needs my help and it’s my duty as a rider to save her!

Page six Panel four:

Murtagh puts his hand to his chest in a gesture of agreement. Behind him, Saphira is raised up on her hind legs looking dramatic, wings spread, the light around her making her look like she’s glowing.

Murtagh: You’re right. And where you go, I shall follow.

Saphira: And I shall as well.


Page seven: Panel one

A mysterious dark and evil city lays before us. Eragon, Murtagh and Saphria are laying on the ground looking at it in the distance.

Eragon: There’s our target. The elf woman told me she was there in my dreams.

Murtagh: Then that is where we shall go.

Page seven: Panel two.

Eragon, Murtagh and Saphira are fighting their way through a horrible horde of evil things Eragon looking happy at killing all the things. Ahead of them is Durza holding the elf girl hostage, a knife at her throat. Elf girl (Arya) looks beautiful, with large luminous eyes and the picture of every guy’s wet dream. Durza, being evil, looks evil.

Page seven: Panel three:

Murtagh shoots an arrow and it lands in Durza’s head.

Page seven: Panel four

Durza bursts into dust as Arya falls gracefully to the floor, Eragon catching her as she does so.

Durza: NOOOOO!!!

Eragon: I have you!

Arya: *faints! *

Page eight Panel one

Arya, Eragon, Murtagh and Saphira are sitting around. Eragon and Murtagh are sharing Meat. Arya looks disgusted.

Eragon: What’s the matter?


Page eight: Panel two:

Close up on Arya, we can see her true beauty. She seems to glow radiantly as she speaks.

Arya: You are eating meat. That is an abomination. You are taking the life of an innocent animal that has done you no harm. It is cruel to all creatures. Especially when you can make a choice and survive without it.

Page eight panel three

Eragon looking worried.

Eragon: But Brom said eating meat was how to be a dragon rider.

Page eight, Panel four

Arya scoffs at this declaration. Eragon looking at her in disbelief.

Arya: Brom was not a true rider. He ate meat and for that he was punished by the loss of his dragon. If you don’t wish to loose your dragon, you must stop eating meat.

Eragon: I don’t believe you. Brom was a good man!

Page nine: Panel one.

Again traveling. This time with Arya on Saphira as Murtagh and Eragon ride horses.

Text box: Eragon, Murtagh and Saphira at Ayra’s suggestion went to the Varden.

Page nine Panel two:

Eragon and the others fighting. Eragon has that mad lunatic look in his eyes as he kills people.

Text box: Their travels were wrought with danger.

Page nine panel three:

Murtagh and Eragon sharing Meat in a passionate embrace.

Text box: But they still had time for the enjoyment of meat.

Page nine panel four

Arya, looking at Murtagh and Eragon, with a disgusted look on her face.

Text box: Much to the fair elf’s despair.


Page ten: Panel one.

They finally reach the Varden! They’re in a beautiful valley where there’s a waterfall and everything. It’s fantastic!
Page ten: Panel two

Everyone’s happy to see Eragon and the others. There’s lots of throwing of confetti and things like that. They’re getting the heroes welcome. Eragon looks like he deserves it as he rides in on Saphira.

Page ten, Panel Three

They’re in front of Ajhad now. He looks Stern and Worried. As well as rather leaderish.

Ajihad : It’s good that you have come when you have. We are about to be attacked.

Page ten: Panel four

Eragon, looking like his murderous self smiles and has his fist held up.

Eragon: Then we’ll make them pay for attacking the Varden.

Page eleven: Panel one

Big Fight Scene! Lots of Death and MAYHEM!!

Page eleven panel two:

Eragon is fighting Durza! In sword combat as opposed to on flying weird beasties like in the movie.

Page eleven Panel three:

Durza strikes a back shattering Blow and Eragon goes down!

Page eleven panel four.

Darkness!


Page twelve panel one

More traveling! It’s Eragon and Arya though. Dwarves? We don’t need no stinking dwarves!

Text box: After the battle both Murtagh and Ajihad were killed and Eragon received a crippling wound on his back. Arya promised to train him more in the land of the elves and perhaps even heal him.

Page twelve panel two
Arya is introducing Eragon to an old Elf. Oromis. He looks like a proper dignified mentor type.

Arya: .. And he will be your teacher here.

Page twelve panel three.

Eragon bows to Oromis (Yoda)

Eragon: I hope to be worthy of your teachings.

Page twelve panel four:

Oromis looks doubtful.

Oromis: We shall see.


Page thirteen panel one

Eragon is sitting with Oromis, both naked on a rock. WHOO! NUDITY! HAIRLESS GROIN SCENE! Ehheee…Um… >.>

Text box: So, Eragon studied with Oromis and learned the ways of the Elves.

Page thirteen panel two:

Eragon and Oromis are doing Yoga.

Text box: But though Eragon studied hard…

Page thirteen Panel three

Eragon is in pain, trying to hold his back.

Text box: His back still pained him.

Page thirteen panel four

Eragon is talking to Oromis, pleading with him.

Eragon: How can I stop this pain in my back, master?

Oromis: Only when you fully accept our ways into your heart. And give up your heathen meat eating ways. It’s because of that, you were punished. And until you free yourself, you will always be in pain.

Page fourteen panel one.

Eragon is walking with Saphira..

Eragon: I don’t know, Saphira. I like my meat and Brom said it was good. But Oromis and Arya are telling me it’s bad for me, and has cursed me.

Page fourteen panel two

Saphira looks down at him, serious.

Saphira: The elves are wise and have been riding dragons for millennia. It is only when humans became riders did the Riders fall.

Page fourteen panel three

Saphria is nuzzling Eragon now.

Saphira: You wouldn’t want to lose me now, because of your meat eating ways.

Page fourteen panel four.

Eragon: I would rather die than lose you! For you, I shall stop eating meat!


Page fifteen panel one.

The elves are setting up for a party. Eragon watches with Arya.

Eragon: What is going on?

Arya: Today we celebrate our joining with the dragons. You and Saphira will be one of the guests of honor.

Page fifteen panel two

Eragon and Saphira are sitting in front of a fire watching a pair of naked twin elf girls (who may or may not be lesbians) dance.

Text box: Later that night.

Page fifteen panel three.

The elf girls dance and undulate. And as they do so, they start to glow and so does Eragon. He gives a gasping noise!
Page fifteen panel four.

And Eragon passes out.


Page sixteen panel one

Eragon wakes up in his bed, Saphira, Arya and Oromis watching him intently. He looks surprised as he touches himself… on the back.

Eragon: My back! It no longer hurts!

Page sixteen panel two:

Close up on Oromis.

Oromis: This is because you have turned away from eating meat and truly have become like the elves. You and Saphira are now safe.

Page sixteen panel three.

Eragon is out of bed (naked) and we can see that he now looks more elf like. He’s facing Oromis and Arya.

Eragon; Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

Page sixteen panel four.

Eragon is facing us with his arm around Saphira. (he’s still naked)

Eragon: You too can be saved from your meat eating ways! And if you look on the next page, you can see how!