kippurbird: (Boom!)
More things I'm not allowed to do at work.

* My job description is not: putting sticky things on books.
* Even if yes, that's what they're paying me to do.
* I will not put smiley faces on the green dots for inventory.
* Inventory is serious business.
* And that's serious, not srs.
* While Passover is coming up, I will not create my own plague of origami frogs.
* Or locusts.
* I don't even have instructions for locusts.
* I can't substitute cicadas for locusts.
* Besides, I folded the instructions up for another origami thingy.
* I will not google the instructions for cicadas.
* I will not create any sort of origami plague.
* The Origami a day calender is not to be abused in this way.
* There is no tea time.
* Even though most of us do drink tea.
* Lunch time is not an illusion.
* I do not need my towel.
* Forty two is not the answer to the rabbinical students' questions.
* Or to anyone's question.
* Weeding is not to be done as 'this is stupid' or 'this is not'
* The Twilight books are not to be weeded.
* Unless told to.
* The voices in my head don't count as people authorized to tell me to remove them.
* Even if they say they're authorized.
* The voices in my head are not authorized to do anything.
* I am not allowed to double a person's fine when they ask if they have to pay it.
* Even if I tell them first.
kippurbird: (Boom!)
Even more things Kippur is not allowed to do at work...


* Gremlins didn't take the books.
* Or move the books.
* Or hide the books.
* There are no gremlins.
* Despite all evidence, I will not insist there are.
* I am not allowed to fine professors for giving me their reserve book lists in late.
* Or for keep on adding reserve books even those this is the "last one".
* Even if I donate the money to the library.
* Or to Haiti.
* Voodoo dolls are not appropriate ways of dealing with frustration.
* I don't even have a way to collect the necessary ingredients to make one.
* Yes. That should stop me.
* Cloning myself is not an appropriate way to get the seven things that need to be done "first" every morning.
* Nor are monkeys.
* We don't have the computers to do so.
* Kittens are not the answer.
* Putting hands over my ears and going Lalalalalalaaa does not make it go away.
* The evil overlord list has no applications to work.
* The office plant is not named Audrey II.
* It does not need the blood of students to survive.
* It will not eat students.
* Or staff
* Or community members.
* No matter how much I want it to.
* "Would you like fries with that?" is not appropriate to ask when a patron wants to check out a book.
* Nor sprinkles.
* a drink.
* They cannot make it a value meal for an additional thirty cents.
* Even if that is a fantastic deal because you haven't been able to do that in years. Decades even.
* My pixel pets are not to be talked about.
* Even though I got that really rare egg.
* No one knows what I am talking about.
* I am not turned into the Master.
* I am not allowed to say, "Be vehwee vehwee quiet I'm hunting Rabbis".
* BEGONE FOUL DEMONS!! does not make Millennium work any better.
* In fact, holding an exorcism is just plain silly.
* Besides, if I were to do it, I should get a rabbi to do it.
* I am not allowed to ask a rabbi to exorcise Millennium.
* Can not win a staring contest with a book.
* The fact that it is hailing doesn't mean that work is closed.
* Even if it hailed in Los Angeles.
* It only hailed for two minutes.
* I am not a starfish.
* the mythology section of the library is not where books that supposedly exist are found.
* We are not open twenty four hours on the second Tuesday of the week.
* We do not have a slip and slide in the stacks because of the leaks.
* Backwards speak to allowed not am I.
* Sdrawkcab lleps ot dewolla ton ma I.
* Daer ot drah si ti.
kippurbird: (Fantasy writers)
I was looking at Strange Horizons and they have a list of stories types they don't want to see. It is an Awesome list.

here

Highlights.

# Twee little fairies with wings fly around being twee.

# The narrator and/or male characters in the story are bewildered about women, believing them to conform to any of the standard stereotypes about women: that they're mysterious, wacky, confusing, unpredictable, changeable, temptresses, etc.

# White protagonist is given wise and mystical advice by Holy Simple Native Folk

# A place is described, with no plot or characters.



Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!

True Facts

Feb. 6th, 2009 08:41 am
kippurbird: (Zombies! The answer to everything!)
Alec abuses Harry Dresden by reading his first person narration.


My brother's going in for his MRI today.

Worried, worried, worried.


More True Facts About Kippur

* Kippur knows how to find the Island.
* Kippur is the one who created the Island in the first place.
* It was done for shits and giggles.
* Kippur knows what the smoke monster is.
* Kippur knows what the Others are all about, but isn't telling.
* Kippur did not give Peter Petrelli the idiot ball. There are somethings that not even Kippur can do.
* Kippur did make Peter cut his hair.
* Sawyer, Jack, Peter and others have shirtless scenes because Kippur likes them.
* The "One More Day" Spider-Man story is Kippur's fault. Kippur was drunk at the time.
* President Obama won the election because he bribed Kippur.
* Senator McCain only bumped into Kippur and was rude about it.
* President Obama calls Kippur up for advice.
* This is not always a good thing.
* Kippur is a Time Lord
* Kippur has no plans on regenerating.
* Aliens haven't invade this Earth because they're so afraid of Kippur that they steer clear.
* Kippur could do wandless magic, but doesn't out of respect for Rowling's rules.
* Kippur's wand is ordinary.
* Kippur has the One Ring, the one Frodo had was a fake.
* Kippur is corrupted by the One Ring, by choice.
* Kippur believes it's more fun this way.
* The Y2K virus was avoided because of Kippur.
kippurbird: (Please Stand By)
Kippur's New Year's Resolutions


The Ten Exceptionally Unreasonable Ones

1. Become knighted (or whatever you get for being a girl... I wonder what you get if you're transgendered...)
2. Meet President Obama
3. Become a break-out best selling novelist
4. Get a really nifty big scanner.
5. Get a horse.
6. Go to Antarctica
7. Go to Australia
8. Get my non-fiction book published
9. Get on one of those talk shows (just not Oprah)
10. Get a best selling comic book written.


The Ten Somewhat Unreasonable Ones

1. Get my novel published
2. Get a paper published in a scholarly journal
3. Get paid for speaking at a conference
5. Go to Alaska
6. Speak at Comic Con. (That reminds me... I need to start thinking about something scholarly for the scholarly track)
7. Get some of the people I know from the Internets to come and visit.
8. Get a hybrid car.
9. Become exceptionally Internet Famous
10. Get my comic book published.

The Ten Reasonable Goals

1. Get some more articles published.
2. Get a costume done in time for Comic Con
3. Get a short story published (more is better)
4. DM my game well.
5. Finish my third novel and start on my fourth. (Thank you Nano!)
6. Get the agent.
7. Clean up my NaNo novel and send it out.
8. Go up to Canada and meet [livejournal.com profile] canadianevil
9. Get a gold and paper dragon.
10. Write some short stories to get sent out!
kippurbird: (Fantasy writers)
About two years ago I wrote this list of things I think fan girls will do to my world. While rereading it on a lark I discovered several entries were no longer true:

* Alec falling for someone who is not Verra
* Jono really loves Alec and is nice to him
* Jono's really a nice guy
* Evil Verra
* Verra abuses Alec
* Verra/Lorac
* Jono's an asshat... wait.. he already is one... never mind.

See canonically now, Alec is no longer in love with/married to Verra, as she's been replaced with Jono. So fan girls making Jono really loving Alec and being a nice guy is canon. So, they'd be keeping him in character. As long as they also keep him an asshat. As much as Jono cares about Alec, he is still an asshat. I don't know why, but he is. Ah well, that's characters for you.

As canon has changed, I provide for you a new list

List of Fanits modifications to canon )
kippurbird: (Default)
Random List for my D&D group. Todd was supposed to play but dropped out when GM wouldn't let him play the sort of character he wanted to. I took his place.

It takes place in Eberron.

Davros is an Artificer (Though he pretends like he's not)
Salis is a librarian (Expert)
T'Ahlek is a Sorcerer/Wizard/ Necromancer type thing
Ari is a Bard/Changling
Alec is a Rangerly sort with a tendency to blow things up when nervous or anxious.


Things Jerrin Havensbad/ Todd isn't allowed to do anymore

1. Taunt the Warforge. It confuses them and then they go berserk and try to kill the entire party.
2. Make Davros cry. He's already whiny enough.
3. Say, "Gee, doesn't Alec look anxious" when he's clearly not.
4. Tell Davros that your his long lost twin brother from Cyre.
5. Stenciling a dragonmark doesn't mean you have one.
6. Salis looks fabulous, no matter what. Telling her otherwise will hold up the party for three hours as she perfects her already perfect self.
7. Steal Ari's guitar.
8. Steal Ari's wine and blame it on the Warforge
9. Steal Davro's staff of Shrowthing
10. Okay, maybe that.
11. But you're not allowed to shrowth anything.
12. Especially the boat.
13. That's something Davros is supposed to do.
14. Ask the Warforge if they're fully functional in all ways.
15. No, it doesn't need to be just a little more sonic.
16. Not even Alec's swords.
17. Even if it would give him a plus two bonus.
18. Even if he wants it because it would give him a plus two bonus.
19. The Warforged are not Cybermen
20. Or Cylons
21. T'Ahlek is not a vampire.
22. Or the phantom of the opera. I will not sing any songs from the opera when he walks in.
23. He doesn't have a secret lair where he will try and romance Salis.
24. You are not Batman
25. Superman
26. Ask if Alec is good with ALL his swords.
27. Trying to kiss him is asking to be stabbed or beat. You will not do so.
28. Unless you really want to be injured.
29. Following T'Ahlek around going "yes Master... whatever you say master" wasn't funny the first time.
30. No. There aren't any Drow following you.
31. They aren't planning to steal your underwear.
32. Or eat your brains, those slimy bastards.
33. T'Ahlek is also not planning to eat his brains.
34. You don't need to follow him around going "Braaaaaiiiiiinsss"
35. In fact following him around is right out.
36. Looting dead bodies is fine. Looting sleeping party members is not.
37. You will not use "Grow Hair" on Salis' body.
38. There is no spell called "grow hair"
39. You can't even invent one.
40. Aren't you a fighter?
41. No, you can't multiclass to be able to invent one.
42. There is no Kill Everyone In Sight With One Blow feat.
43. You cannot convince the DM to make one.
44. Even if you say it's for Alec and not you.
45. Do not taunt the dragons.
46. Even the Lawful Good Red Dragons.
47. They can still eat you.
48. Paying for the pizza doesn't mean you automatically go up a level
49. Even if you use the munchkin card
50. Using any munchkin cards is right out.

Please keep this list with you at all times.
kippurbird: (>:D Heh)
Everything I learned about writing fantasy I learned from Robert Newcomb.



*The Hero must not know jack shit about how the real world works. Instead he must rely completely on his mentors to tell him things and never question what they tell him. This is so that the reader can learn about things as he does in massive info-dumps.

* However the Hero must be fully competent in all sorts of weapon usage and woodcraft and things like that. This way he can fight his way out of any battle and be magnificent while doing it.

*Parents are only there to cause angst for the hero. If they're loving and supportive they must die. If they're not then they're mean and abusive so that the hero must run away bemoaning his fate.

*There are only two kinds of women, Virgins and Whores. (Pregnant women are inconsequential because the Hero can't seduce or be seduced by them. They're icky.)

*The hero's true love can only be a virgin. If in fact he falls in love with a girl who is not the True Love, she will die horribly to cause the Hero angst.

*Every girl wants the Hero. There are no exceptions to the rule.

*The Hero can act or do whatever he wants, because it will be right. Logic doesn't have to play into this at all.

*Culture is over rated. Just having a pseudo-Medieval setting is more than enough world building.

* Evil is Evil. Good is Good. If someone is designated evil, then no matter what they do, it will be evil. If someone is designated good, then no matter what they do it will be good.

* The Hero is the only one who can save the world. If he doesn't it's DOOOOOMM!!

* The Hero is the only one who fits the Prophecy. There must be a prophecy. Preferably with things like Chosen One, Prophecy, Future of the World Depends on It, Ancient Evil and Dark Lords.

* There must be a slave that the Hero frees who will become instantly loyal to him. [*]

* The Hero is allowed to contradict himself in regards to what he knows. This is perfectly okay.

*Despite being uneducated and a product of his "world" the Hero can and will install modern day values to other people who will accept it unconditionally. If the Hero doesn't abide by these values, it's okay because he's the Hero.

* The Hero is always right.

*The Hero can do things that no one else can.

*Because it's magic is a perfectly legitimate excuse.

* Logic is only secondary to whatever you want to do.

*Characterization is over-rated. In fact it's not needed at all. Stereotypes are all you need.

* The Hero is more important than anyone. Any other events that happen in his vicinity that would be potentially more interesting should be ignored in favor of whatever he's doing.

* No matter how smart and cunning your villains are they automatically become stupid when confronted with the Hero.

* The climax doesn't have to be at all climatic or satisfying as long as the Hero looks good or does something impossible. Better if he does both.







[*]

Actually, this one amuses me. I had previously stated in my essay on how to do my world "correctly" that my hero would have to free a slave who would then become instantly loyal to him. This was before Dwarf was introduced.

kippurbird: (What goes on in Kippur's head)
Some modern day curses. Because God knows we need some.

  • May you be stuck behind a little old lady driving with her flicker on while late for a meeting
  • May your credit cards max out and you not have the cash to cover it when you are trying to impress someone.
  • May a virus eat all your files and may it spread to your friends and family's computers.
  • May your coverage always get cut out.
  • May your teenage daughter use up all your cell phone minutes at the beginning of the month
  • May your brand new electronic device find its way into the toilet
  • May your identity be stolen by a over-weight man with an on-line gambling problem.
  • May you be stuck on the freeway during rush hour with a flat tire and no cell phone connection
  • May you have to wait many days for the cable guy
  • May the cable/satellite TV cut out at the most important part.
  • May the line always be busy
  • May the ATM eat your Debit Card
  • May pigeons poo on your brand new, freshly washed car
  • May coffee spill on your keyboard.
  • May your laptop drop onto the hard concrete and break into pieces.
  • May your connection always be slow and freeze up your system when you try to download something.
  • May your heels break at an inconvenient moment.
  • May your fashion dog widdle in your lap or purse
  • May the clothes that you wear go quickly out of style
  • May you no longer be a trend setter
  • May you be barred from all the Must Be Seen places and may your rivals be not
  • May you lose your promotion to that idiot over there.
kippurbird: (paint drying)
Even more things I'm not allowed to do at work.




  • Lurk


    • Especially not in the shadows

    • Or behind bushes

    • Trees

    • The stacks


  • If upon disobeying the lurking rule I am not allowed to jump out and scream "Surprise!"


    • "Want to buy some watches"

    • Flash someone.

    • Cackle evilly if someone walks by.


  • I am not Batman


    • Or Batwoman

    • Or Batgirl

    • I am not any member of the Bat Family.


  • Just because I have a Green Lantern's ring doesn't mean I'm a Green Lantern


    • Even if I wear my Green Lantern T-Shirt.


  • I do not need to roll a skill check to see if I can check in periodicals.


    • Or roll a strength check to see if I can pick up a mail bin

    • Or any other sort of check


  • Work is not a dungeon.

  • There are no dragons.


    • Or Orcs

    • Goblins

    • Vampires

    • Or any sort of monsters


  • I am not a fifteenth level rogue.

  • I cannot magic missile the darkness


    • Or attack the sculptures with my ax.

    • There is no Gazebo.


  • I can not smite the evil bitch from hell.

  • Boredom is still not an excuse.


    • No really.


  • Just because people think my cookies are addictive doesn't mean I actually need to put pot in them.


    • In fact, I must remember that I don't even know how to find pot

    • And that it's illegal.


  • I will not see how many balloons it takes me to fly

  • I will not hang glide off the roof of the building.

  • The Batcave is not in the stacks.


    • There is no batmobile in the parking lot


      • I do not own a batmobile, I own a Saturn



  • Tarot cards are not an appropriate way to see how much work I can get done.


    • I will not use Tarot cards in front of people and then look at them shaking my head like I know something


      • Tarot cards are not allowed at work.



  • I do not have a TARDIS


    • I am not the Doctor in his eleventh regeneration

    • I am not the Master either

    • Or the Rani

    • I am not a Time Lord


      • Really.



  • While I have the One Ring I will not go around whispering "my Preecsious" while wearing it.


    • Or pretend like I'm invisible while wearing it.

    • I do not need to throw it in the fiery pits of Mount Doom


      • The kitchen is not Mount Doom

      • Neither is the Chemistry lab



  • I cannot turn invisible

  • I do not have telekiniesis

  • I can not get everyone to do a dance number while singing


    • This is not a musical

    • Or a Disney movie


  • I cannot randomly jump back in time.

  • I am not the Intersect

  • No one is following me.


    • I am not paranoid

    • I will not pretend to be paranoid.


  • I will walk, not skip

  • There is not a secret society that meets every Thursday in Ross Plaza


    • There is no Conspiracy


  • You do not need a secret hand shake to check out books

  • The rare book room does not contain Disney's brain


    • Or aliens


      • I do not need to call Fox Mulder about this.



  • I may own a lightsaber but I am not allowed to challenge people with it


    • Or say " X" There is something I must tell you. I am your father.

    • I am not a Sith Lord

    • I am not a Jedi

    • I may not bring the lightsaber to work.


      • Even for Halloween

      • Or Purim



  • While on the subject of swords, I may not bring my LARP sword to work


    • Even if it's made out of foam

    • I am not a level twenty fighter


  • The miniatures on my computer do not come alive at night.


    • Neither does the hedgehog

    • I will not tell people that they do.


  • I will not cackle madly while screaming "It's ALIVE ALIVE!!!"


    • There will be no mad cackling at all


  • I will not bring a super-soaker to work.


    • This is a library. Books and water do not mix.


  • I will keep a copy of this list on me at all times


    • Including the previous ones


  • Ignorance is not an excuse

kippurbird: (Boom!)

Even more, more things I'm not allowed to do at work



  • Business casual does not mean jeans and a tie, or a tie and a Hawaiian shirt with Bermuda shorts. Or just a tie and nothing else.
    • This goes back to the clothing is mandatory rule.
  • Even thought they sound alike: Cereals are not the same as serials. I will not confuse the two and order Corn Pops for the Library collection.
    • Serial killers are also not apart of the collection.
  • A betting pool for when they will actually start construction on the new library is not allowed.
    • even if the winnings will be donated to the new library fund.
      • If it ever happens.
  • Underneath my desk is not my secret fort.
    • They can see me there.
    • I can't use boxes to make it more secure
    • Nor may I use rubber bands to protect myself from intruders.
      • My co-workers are not intruders.
      • Nor is any other staff member of the school
      • Or Student.
      • Or patron.
      • Saying "but I saw a fly on them, really" doesn't count.
  • Geckos are not appropriate window dressings.
    • I will not put things on the windows at all
    • Even if they're not alive.
  • I cannot interface with the computer with my mind.
    • Or my fingers.
    • In fact I'm not an android.
      • Robot
      • machine
      • or anything similar.
  • I may not play Qudditch in the library.
    • Or on school grounds
      • Even if I can get a team together.
    • Quodpot counts.
      • Actually, since in Quodpot the balls explode, the rule is double for that.
  • I will not tell new students that wolves occasionally attack people.
    • There are no wolves in the area.
    • While there may be coyotes in the area, they don't attack people either.
    • Nor do the deer.
  • It is perfectly safe to go walking in the fog. Nothing bad will happen to you if you do.
  • No, the meatloaf is not made out of the remains of failing students.
  • Nobody wants to touch my spirit bear.
    • Or see how big my wand is.
      • Yes, I know I have an actual wand, I still may not say that.
        • Even if I bring it to work with me.
  • Paint is not an acceptable clothing substitute.
  • I will not preform any experiment I see on Mythbusters.
    • Even if it works.
    • Especially if it involves explosives of some sort.
  • The president of the university is not "They".
    • He does not have a spy camera in the clock in the office.
    • He is not listening to what I say.
    • He doesn't care what I do on the internet.
  • My mom said I could is not an appropriate excuse to do something.
    • Even if she said I could.
  • The cat made me do it is also not an excuse.
  • I may not recite Edgar Allen Poe's poem the Bells.
  • I may not sing songs from the Sound of Music
    • The Music Man
    • Fiddler on the Roof
    • Or any other musical.
    • In fact, I may not sing at all.
  • I am not Indiana Jones. The Holy Grail is not in the Beit Midrash.
    • I may wear a fedora
    • But not carry a whip.
  • Imitating Freakazoid while going places is highly annoying and dumb. I will not do this.
  • There are no alligators in the toilets.
  • Dressing up as an Imperial Trooper while playing Darth Vader's theme is expressly forbidden.
    • Even if I get other people to join it.
  • I will not stand by the elevator and demand that people answer me these questions three.
  • My staff does not have a knobby end on it.
    • Even if it does have one.
  • I may not ask people if they want to see my pointy hat trick.
    • I do not own a pointy hat.
    • Even if I do own one.
  • If I think of something that may end up on this list, I may not do it.
  • Duct tape is not my friend.
    • The tape gun is not my friend.
    • Masking tape is not my friend
  • I may not build a box fort with the better world boxes.
  • The Cage is not where the dangerous books are kept.
  • I do not have the president on speed dial.
    • Or the governor
    • Or the Mayor.
    • I will not tell people so.
  • People do not want to be my special friend. I will quit asking that question.
  • I will not answer the phone by saying "Phone Confessions, You confess, we forgive"
    • "Jews for Jesus, have you been saved?"
    • Church of Scientology, how may I help you today?
  • I will keep a copy of this list on me at all times, and refer to it when ever I think of doing something.
    • Even that.
    • Yes. That too.
    • You know what I mean.
kippurbird: (What goes on in Kippur's head)
More True Facts About Kippur


  • Because of Kippur, there was no Y2K virus.
  • Kippur knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop and she's not telling
  • The answer maybe 42, but only Kippur knows what the question is.
  • While in New York, Kippur got rid of all the Alligators in the sewers.
  • Kippur can make it snow in LA, she just likes the warm weather.
  • In the hills of Death Valley there is a small cult devoted to the worship of Kippur.
  • Kippur knows who wrote the Book of Love.
  • If you read Kippur's journal entries backwards there are satanic messages.
  • If you read Kippur's journal entries upside down you will find true predictions of the future.
  • When Kippur goes to Baskin Robins, they have a thirty second flavor for her.
  • Kippur mugged the Tooth Fairy and got away with it.
  • When people talk about "them" or "they" they're talking about Kippur.
  • Kippur has boldly gone where no man has gone before, before Kirk did.
  • Kippur split the atom, with her bare hands.
  • Without Kippur, the sun will not rise.
  • Kippur really likes meat. She also likes to share it.
  • In Kippur's bedroom closet there is a doorway to the nether realms.
  • When Kippur yawns, the whole world yawns with her.
  • Every time you have a dirty thought, Kippur kills a kitten.
  • Kippur took the Doctor for a spin in her TARDIS and he wants more.
  • Kippur built the Black Pearl.
  • Kippur knows what lurks in the hearts of men.
  • Dream dreams about Kippur.
  • Jesus saves, Kippur invests.
  • Kippur created the platypus to confuse people.
  • Kippur always makes her will save.
  • Dust bunnies keep Kippur away.
  • The world does revolve around Kippur.
  • Kippur has a secret base in the Grand Canyon.
  • The CIA and the FBI have Kippur under twenty four hour watch, except on the Jewish Holidays.
  • Kippur is a part of the Q-Continuum. They call her R.
  • Kippur invented chocolate
  • Kippur has an eight day week. She hates it greatly.
  • Kippur is also known as Darth Kippur, Scourge of the Galactic Empire.
  • Magneto maybe the master of Magnetism, but Kippur is the master of Magnesium.
  • Kippur wrote this list while asleep and made no typs.
kippurbird: (>:D Heh)

And even more list (in which we expand a bit out of the library):



  • The catalog cards are not to be used to create card houses.
    • Or for fifty two card pick up
    • Origami
    • wallpaper
  • There is no secret non-kosher cafeteria.
    • Telling visitors this is cruel
    • The kitchen staff will not give you a cheeseburger if you give them the secret code
    • there is no secret code for any food items
    • Food fights are not an appropriate use of the salad bar
      • Especially not when the University Women are having their luncheon
      • Or when there is a meeting of potential donors.
  • I have not donated money to have the bathrooms named after me.
    • The bathrooms are not named after anyone
    • I will not put signs in the bathrooms indicating such.
    • Especially not of the University President.
  • AJU stands for American Jewish University not American Jehovah's Witnesses University
  • Yes, there may be scaffolding around the building, but that doesn't mean that I may climb all over it like a monkey
    • Even if I promise not to sue
    • Or sign a wavier saying I'm not going to sue
  • Pink is not an appropriate color to paint the Library interior
    • Or the university interior
  • I was not ordered by a Roman soldier to paint "Romani ite Domum" a hundred times before nightfall.
  • I will not write an essay on the abundance of phallic sculptures in the University and how it reflects on the President's in adequacies.
    • And if I do, I will not publish it in the Jewish Journal
    • Or any other publication
  • Speaking of sculptures, the tall orange neon column is not to be used for a fund raising thermometer.
    • Especially for my own funds.
    • Saying it's for the library doesn't count
      • Even if the library really does need the money.
  • If a patron asks if a book is available I will not say, "No, but I am."
    • Even if it's true
    • And the person is really really cute
    • Or they seem interested.
  • The stacks are not the university's secret make out spot.
    • I will not tell students so.
    • Nor will I take pictures of students who actually believed me.
  • If it involves any of the university staff, I will not do it.
    • Even if I think they might enjoy it
  • I will not switch around the floor signs by the elevator. It confuses the old people who come here.
  • The library is not second floor from the right and straight on 'til morning.
  • Link + are not the Others.
  • If someone asks for John Locke, they mean the philosopher
    • the same goes for Rousseau
    • Sawyer is in reference to the Mark Twain character
    • Juliet the Shakespeare.
  • I do not have superpowers
    • Sylar is not coming to eat my brain
  • Tinfoil hats do not protect me from the aliens
    • tinfoil hats are not apart of the funny hats that I may wear
  • I will not pretend to be a Jew for Jesus and hand out pamphlets at the university entrance
    • There will be no pamphlet handing out of any kind
      • Fliers count as pamphlets
  • Boredom is not an excuse
  • I will not repel down the side of the building
  • I will not auction off members of the university staff as sex slaves
    • Or for any other sort of reason
      • Even if it is for the library
  • Nudity outside the library is also not allowed
  • The phone cubby is not a time and space machine
  • There is not bring your cat to work day
    • Or goldfish
    • or parakeet
    • or plant
  • Running screaming through the halls is not a good way to exercise.
  •  I will not put my own artwork up in the gallery
    • even if people like it better than what's already there
  • Because I thought it was a good idea at the time is also not an excuse
  • the teachers do not need riffing while they are lecturing.
  • The monkey pirates did not tell me so.
  • Four out of the five voices in my head did not say go for it.
    • three out of five didn't either
  • The board room is not the war room. I will not put up signs designating it so.
kippurbird: (doctor and kitty)
More list:

  • There is no conspiracy.
  • Screaming that one of the shelves has fallen and I can't get up isn't funny anymore.
    • It was never funny in the first place.
  • The firewall doesn't protect us from the evil space monkeys.
    • It is not part of the conspiracy
      • there is no conspiracy
  • Setting the books up like dominoes is unacceptable.
  • Stacking the books up to see how high you can get them before they fall is also unacceptable.
  • Setting the Due Date for a book to a date three months past is wrong. I will not do that.
  • They are "Patrons" not "Stupid people interrupting my internet time" I will refer to them as such.
  • No more Conga lines.
    • or Toga Parties
    • Keg parties
    • Disco
    • or even Israeli dancing, even if this IS a Jewish University.
  • We are the "American Jewish University, formally known as the University of Judaism" not "Formally known as Prince"
  • Patrons may not work off fines in the library if they don't have the money.
    • Working off fines is not an option at all.
  • I will not tell people that they need to make a reservation to take a reserved book out.
  • When the Librarian comes in I will not go "Shhh... he's one of them" to whomever I'm talking to.
    • There is no conspiracy
  • I will not direct people to the non-existent card catalog.
  • The circulation desk is not a proper place for a nap.
  • Shoes must be worn at all times.
    • On the feet
      • one on each foot.
  • There will be no cart racing in the stacks.
  • FH stands for Fiction Hebrew not Fuck Hebrew
  • One bible is not like any other bible.
  • The Russians are not coming.
  • When someone calls and asks me "Where are we located?" I will not answer "in the Library" it's not helpful.
  • There is no secret code in the way the books are shelved.
    • There is no conspiracy.
  • Gremlins did not eat the missing book.
  • When the Internet goes down, I will call IT. I will not say that it's a part of the conspiracy
    • There is no conspiracy.
  • I will not run off with the cash box giggling.
  • When someone asks where the Giniza[*] is, I will not say, "Bless you" and offer them a tissue.
  • What'll you give me? Is not a proper answer for "can you help me"
  • I will not randomly delete records in the database
    • or items
    • call numbers
  • I will not put "Help! Help! I'm trapped in a basement!" in the "NOTE    500"   line.
    • Or "Call me at such and such phone number"
    • this space for rent
    • why are you reading this?
    • This is part of the library conspiracy
      • There is no conspiracy
    • Or anything else in the NOTE    500      line.
  • I will not lock the library before closing time.
  • I will not build a "card castle" with the books.
  • The "Elders of Zion" is not true.
    • I will  not insinuate that it is.
    • There is no Jewish Conspiracy . 
  • Unless it is Purim or Halloween, costumes are not allowed
    • Silly hats are Okay.
      • And only hats
  • Sarcasm is not an appropriate response to patrons questions.














[*]
A Giniza is where holy books or papers with the name of God written in are placed before they can be given a respectful burial.

kippurbird: (Boom!)
Things I'm not allowed to do at the library any more

  • I will not answer the phone saying, "Bobo's Information Hotline, if we don't know it, it can't be known!"
  • Telling patrons that they can check out books and not look at them is mean.
  • LC stands for Library of Congress not Literary Confusion.
  • The tip jar must go.
  • Copies cost ten cents. Not fifteen. I will not pocket the extra five cents.
  • There is no charge for looking up books.
    • or finding them.
    • or checking them out.
    • or returning them.
      • unless they're late, and then I'm only allowed to charge the designated fee and not a service charger
      • There are no service charges at all.
        • In ANY circumstances.
  • Potato sack races with the Airline shipment bags around the reading room is not allowed.
  • Clothing is mandatory at all times.
    • Yes, Even then.
      • And then too.
  • I will not lock the keyboards into Arabic.
    • Or Russian
    • Greek
    • Japanese
    • Chinese
    • or any other non-English language
    • The only exception to this rule is when the patron wants to be able to type in Hebrew.
      • Afterwards I will change it back.
  • I will not stamp "Withdrawn" on the patron's hands when they check out the books.
  • "Look it up yourself you old batty" Is not an acceptable response to "Can you help me find something"
  • Nerf guns are not an acceptable way to enforce the quiet rule.
  • I will not gather up a stack of books, giggle madly and wave around a gas can declaring, "We're going to reenact Ray Bradbury's : Fahrenheit 451"
  • Bringing in a jar of jelly and making a very messy sandwich near the books is right out.
  • No more silly string.
    • or bubbles.
  • There will be no wearing of tin foil hats and saying, "The books... they can read your  minds!"
  • I will not randomly rearrange people's belongings when they step outside for a phone call.
  • I will not demand a duel using the newspaper sticks as a sword.
  • There is no "Look but don't touch" rule in the stacks.
  • There is no happy hour.
  • I will not put weird signs upon the head librarian's door.
  • There is no, "After Three weeks you can keep it" policy.
  • Big Al will not come after people who don't return their books on time.
  • BS does not stand for "Bull Shit" and is not the US government's position on the importance of the Bible.
  • I will not proselytize for the Church of Scientology even though we have two boxes of L.Ron. Hubbard's books.
  • There will be no readings of Ann Rices' "Sleeping Beauty: an Erotic Fairy tale" for the Rabbinical students
    • Or the Undergrads
    • Or the Grads
    • Especially not for the Department of Continuing Education students. They'd probably have a heart attack.
  • I will not try and exorcise the copy machine when it breaks down
    • or the printers
    • or the computers. 
  • Shouting "Captain on Deck" when the librarian comes in is not acceptable.
  • I will not put people on hold for simple questions like "when are you open".
  • The barcode scanner is not a toy.
  • The label protectors are not to be used to hang things on the walls.
  • I will not put the oldest periodical on the current shelf.
  • Giggling hysterically when someone asks me a question is wrong and confuses people.

February 2016

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