kippurbird: (Sylar stole Spock's brain.)
Pacifism in story telling.

Okay, it needs a better title than that, but it sort of gets to what I've been thinking about the last couple of days. A couple days ago I finished reading Rosemary and Rue by Seanan McGuire. It was an ARC I got at Comic Con, the actual book coming out on September first. I say that because it is a good read. I enjoyed the story, the world and the characters. The basic plot in one sentence is: an urban fantasy where a changling (half fairy in this world) tries to solve the murder of one of the full blood fairies. While I have my nitpicks and things about the book, those are not going to be discussed here. I don't think it's fair to criticize a book when people can't read it for themselves yet. I did notice one particular thing though that really bothered me and which I'd like to look at a bit more. The main character, October Daye was passive.

What do I mean by passive? She solved the mystery not by actively searching things out but more like following leads that people gave her. "Go here" or "Do this" she was told instead of "I bet if I go here..." or "Maybe I should do this". In essence she was lead around and pointed in the right directions after talking to people about what happened to her instead of coming up with the realizations on what to do on her own. This didn't detract from the story as I was reading it, but it did occur to me later in a Fridge Logic moment. (Aren't you glad I didn't link to TvTropes?)

As I started to think about it I noticed that other people like Eragon, Tristan and Bella also had this passive hero trait.

In Brisingr recently Nasuada told Eragon that he must go to the dwarves and make them pick their king sooner than later. He is told to do this and then he goes. It makes him feel like an errand boy. But wouldn't it be much better if he went to her and said, "I need to go to the dwarves to make sure they pick the right king" and she tried to convince him not to? There would be active conflict instead of him saying "I think that's a bad idea". It is, I think, better if the protagonist is the start of the conflict as opposed to the one who is given the conflict. I don't mean starting a fight so much as making a decision to do something which at the time might not seem wise but later will play out to be... whatever. At least the protagonist decided to do something instead of have something done to them.

Tristan basically stands around like an idiot for the entire book unless someone hits him. Really what did he initiate? Nothing. Wigg basically took him around and told him stuff that he needed to do. Sure there was the Prophecy that said pretty much anything Tristan does is the right thing, but it is for most of the book, Earwig saying "we need to do this to stop the great big evil and here's how" and not Tristan saying, "Okay these people killed my parents, kidnapped my sister and destroyed my country we need to stop them and you're going to help me".

Twilight, with Bella, has a different form of passiveness. She does go out and do things to discover who/what Edward is, but in her relationship with Edward she doesn't do anything. She lets him set the rules. She doesn't say no to him. Anything he wants to do to her is okay. She never says no. Which in this sort of novel, one that focuses more on romance than killing things, is an important part in defining their relationship. The fact that she doesn't say no to anything renders her blank with no preferences to anything in how she sees the world or how she wants a relationship to go. The only thing she has is "I want" which isn't very deep.

On the active side of things, Peter David's King Arthur series comes to mind. These books are about King Arthur in modern times. In the first book he decides that the best thing he can do to help people as a king, is to run for mayor of New York city. And he does. He takes the initiative, even though Merlin thinks it's a bad idea and is constantly calling him an idiot, and goes for it. He tries. Even with his faults of being scrupulously honest and never lying. Refusing to lie even if it might make him look like a total crackpot. Despite the risks, he does something about a problem he sees.

Imagine if Tristan did that. If he was eager or at least willing to take on the throne. If he was willing to throw himself out to protect his people, his family, instead of just standing around with his thumb up his ass. He would forced Wig to tell him about those evil sorceress and who they were and what they wanted. Or if Eragon decided that they needed to go to the Varden instead of Brom saying they should go.

Stories should be about people doing things. Having adventures, falling in love, making choices. Choices are what should drive the plot instead of events happening that make them react. Then it just feels like a series of events. Which is the biggest problem with books like the Inheritance Trilogy and the Twilight Saga. The protagonist never decides to do anything. They never have any wants or desires. The never do anything. Sure they move and talk and do things, but the things they do are just reactions to being told to do something. And who wants to read that?
kippurbird: (Writer at work)
I present to you, my gentle pigeons, the death of Tristan.

Bum Bum Buuuuuhm! )
kippurbird: (>:D Heh)
Everything I learned about writing fantasy I learned from Robert Newcomb.

*The Hero must not know jack shit about how the real world works. Instead he must rely completely on his mentors to tell him things and never question what they tell him. This is so that the reader can learn about things as he does in massive info-dumps.

* However the Hero must be fully competent in all sorts of weapon usage and woodcraft and things like that. This way he can fight his way out of any battle and be magnificent while doing it.

*Parents are only there to cause angst for the hero. If they're loving and supportive they must die. If they're not then they're mean and abusive so that the hero must run away bemoaning his fate.

*There are only two kinds of women, Virgins and Whores. (Pregnant women are inconsequential because the Hero can't seduce or be seduced by them. They're icky.)

*The hero's true love can only be a virgin. If in fact he falls in love with a girl who is not the True Love, she will die horribly to cause the Hero angst.

*Every girl wants the Hero. There are no exceptions to the rule.

*The Hero can act or do whatever he wants, because it will be right. Logic doesn't have to play into this at all.

*Culture is over rated. Just having a pseudo-Medieval setting is more than enough world building.

* Evil is Evil. Good is Good. If someone is designated evil, then no matter what they do, it will be evil. If someone is designated good, then no matter what they do it will be good.

* The Hero is the only one who can save the world. If he doesn't it's DOOOOOMM!!

* The Hero is the only one who fits the Prophecy. There must be a prophecy. Preferably with things like Chosen One, Prophecy, Future of the World Depends on It, Ancient Evil and Dark Lords.

* There must be a slave that the Hero frees who will become instantly loyal to him. [*]

* The Hero is allowed to contradict himself in regards to what he knows. This is perfectly okay.

*Despite being uneducated and a product of his "world" the Hero can and will install modern day values to other people who will accept it unconditionally. If the Hero doesn't abide by these values, it's okay because he's the Hero.

* The Hero is always right.

*The Hero can do things that no one else can.

*Because it's magic is a perfectly legitimate excuse.

* Logic is only secondary to whatever you want to do.

*Characterization is over-rated. In fact it's not needed at all. Stereotypes are all you need.

* The Hero is more important than anyone. Any other events that happen in his vicinity that would be potentially more interesting should be ignored in favor of whatever he's doing.

* No matter how smart and cunning your villains are they automatically become stupid when confronted with the Hero.

* The climax doesn't have to be at all climatic or satisfying as long as the Hero looks good or does something impossible. Better if he does both.


Actually, this one amuses me. I had previously stated in my essay on how to do my world "correctly" that my hero would have to free a slave who would then become instantly loyal to him. This was before Dwarf was introduced.

kippurbird: (Canon gone)
Rejoice my pigeons, rejoice! The end is here!

But first! More gibberish.

Of the seeds of the Chosen Ones, one shall live and one shall die, the two having been conceived of separate, and therefore distinct, philosophies. The mother of the first and the sire of the second shall both perish before seeing their progeny come to fruition.

As such, these lives shall be yet another manifestation of the Vigors and the Vagaries, those disciplines being two sides of the same coin, namely the craft, wrapped in the same confines but residing in different worlds. In this way the Vigors and the Vagaries themselves shall resemble the newborns of the chosen ones, being of completely different philosophies, yet each being of continually aware of the other's presence as they move through space and time...

-From the writings of Faegan, upon his later recollections of the Tome

Why do they always have to speak in gibberish? Okay, let's see if we can translate this. The Chosen Ones are both going to have kids, one who is going to live and one who is going to die. Both are going to have a dead parent. That would be Fredrick and Sushi as the dead parents. And Sister's unborn baby and Triscuit's dead baby. Got that? Good.

Haven't a clue what the second part means. Something about the Vagaries and the Vigors being two sides of the same coin. And the kids being examples of the two sides of the same coin and... and... and...

I've got nothing.

Moving on!

Triscuit, Earwig and Dwarf have reached the Ghetto of the Shunned. I have this voice in my head screaming SHUUUUNED! SHUUUUUUNEED! whenever I see that. I'm not sure where it's from though. SHUUUNNNED! Sister is asleep in the wagon while the three 'men' are checking out the Ghetto. The Ghetto was apparently built in the bottom of a bowl so that they could see all around them.

The Ghetto of the Shunned sat in a rather large bowl, surrounded on all sides by a sloping, grassy hillside. Glendon had explained to them that before the arrival of the Coven the city had been constructed in the center of the bowl for reasons of defense. Men lining the top of the rim could see for miles in every direction and easily warn the city below of danger, allowing the gates to be shut quickly and the drawbridge immediately taken up.

Why yes. The Ghetto of the Shunned (SHHHUUUUNNED) was built in the middle of a bowl giving the enemy the high ground.

Currently, it's burning. And despite being on higher ground, the three of them can't see into the city. Though they do know that Kludge will know that the Sorceresses are dead because the Recluse is burning and he can do what he wants.

Dwarf goes off into the water (notice he still has his chain and collar around his neck)to the grate to wave them into the city. Triscuit, Earwig and Sister ride in. Galloping into a city with a wagon with lots of dead bodies in the way. The Minions are no where to be found. This is highly suspicious. They get to where the bird boy lived, but he's dead. They wonder where Dwarf is and Triscuit is all "Get better Sister or I'll have to leave you here". They're waiting for Gimpy to open the portal.

Kludge shows up holding Dwarf. He lets Dwarf join Earwig and Triscuit and then Earwig says, I'm going to kill Kludge and you kill Sister because no Endowed blood can be left in Parthalon. This is repeated several times. I'm not sure why this is important... but apparently it is. Kludge also has Angel. He tosses the girl at Triscuit and she is sad.

Kludge then monologues.

For four pages.

Let me sum up.

1. He can take control over everything now that the Sorceresses are dead.
2. He doesn't have to fight the Gargoyles.
3. Triscuit handed him Eutracia because he can go through the portal with his army.
4. He's going to take Sister as his queen.

Triscuit lets him talk the entire time. Only when Kludge challenges him does he attack.

They fight. Triscuit starts to lose badly. Then he remembers Fredrick's Oh LOOK BEHIND YOU trick. One of the oldest tricks in the book. Sludge falls for it. Someone that stupid deserves to die. Triscuit cuts off his head with a, "As you made me do to my father I do to you."

In a STUNNING turn of events all the remaining Minions immediately switch loyalties to Triscuit because he beat Sludge and their custom is that whoever beats the commander becomes their new leader. Because really, no grudges held here or anything like that. Personally I wouldn't want soldiers who could switch loyalties so easily.

Angel dies and Triscuit is sad, but she tells him don't worry you'll find someone who'll love you. He screams.

And then he screamed. Screamed aloud at the true, unrelenting insanity of it all.

It was a blind, overpowering, plaintive scream that seamed to go on and on and live in his heart forever as he sat there uncaringly in the dirt, holding her in his arms. An angry scream that rang out not only for Narrissa but also for his family, for the Directorate of Wizards, and for his countrymen. And for the nations of Eutracia and Parthalon, which had virtually perished at the hands of the Coven and the grotesque, winged monsters that now stood before him, impossibly calling him their lord.

Angel then dissolves and becomes a twinkling of light.

Then Earwig surprises Triscuit with Sister's baby. Apparently, completely unnoticed by anyone, Sister gave birth. In about five minutes. With no screaming. Or noise. Or any indication before hand that she was going into labor. In fact this potentially dramatic happening didn't even happen at all. Here was a chance for Triscuit to try and get his Sister to remember who she is while he helped her give birth. But... instead he was busy screaming.

Earwig tells Triscuit that the baby looks normal, but you never can tell. Because apparently trauma to the mother makes the same trauma to the baby who wasn't born yet and baby won't recognize people she's never met... or something. Earwig is sad about this and cries a single tear. I think that's the last single tear in the book!

Triscuit gets ready to kill his sister and is sad about it. And then Sister blinks. Apparently she hadn't been blinking before then. Or this is an extra special blink. But she blinks, which surprises Triscuit and she blinks again, which surprises him even more. And she recognizes the medallion thing around her neck and Triscuit is all YAY. And she knows his name (which is a stupid thing to be using as a 'she's better thingy' because she knew his name when she was Evil.) Anyway Earwig gives her the baby and she's all "what's this?" Triscuit tells her that the baby is hers and names her after their mother. I'm not really sure that giving a baby to someone who just woke up from a stupor is a good idea.

But what do I know?

Babies make EVERYTHING better!

Earwig convinces Triscuit not to do something horrible to the Minions because they were "only following orders". So Triscuit gives them new orders.

1. Traax is their leader in his absence.
2. The brothels are to be opened and the women treated like equals, and the Minions can take wives and birth and death records need to be kept. (I'm not really sure why that last bit is important)
3. The angels are to be let free and live among them as equals and they can have sex with the Minions.
4. No more random violence against the people. And the succession by death is outlawed.
5. Rebuild the Ghetto of the Shunned.
6. Rebuild the Recluse but erase all signs of the Coven.

They agree to do as he says.

The portal shows up. And FINALLY they get rid of the chain on Dwarf's neck. Earwig, Sister, Glendon and Baby all leave while Triscuit angsts for a bit. And now Triscuit's blood is all shiny and glow in the dark.

No longer red, the prince's blood was a radiant azure that twinkled and sparkled as it dripped from his body. And the wizard instinctively knew that it was due to the fact that the Chosen One had made his first real use of the craft

Earwig's blood doesn't glow in the dark. It moves around on its own. Triscuit's blood on the other hand does. I guess it's just because he's Just That Special.

His blood talks to him. "You have survived, and ascended to manhood... your careless ways are no more. And you have become, truly, the Chose One."

Need I remind you that he's THIRTY and only now he's ascended to MANHOOD! THIRTY! THIRTY THIRTY! Again, final proof that Triscuit was originally supposed to be a lot younger than he is in the original drafts.

He makes a new vow to find out who poured endowed blood into him and why he's become the vessel that "Contains the blood of the fates". (Because he's Just That Special).

Finally, the epilogue.

Azure hands take the baby out of his grave and bring him back to life. They're Mysterious Hands that belong to Mysterious Voices who take the baby up into the sky.

The End.

Give me candy.


Jan. 7th, 2008 07:44 pm
kippurbird: (Ew)
More time passes and Triscuit is still in the dark. Physically too. But the light has started to come in so I suppose that's a good thing. People come down into the Sanctuary, or at least the five Sorceresses do. Succi is Very Pregnant. Looking to be about eight months. "Pregnancy some how made her even more impossibly beautiful, the almond eyes, the long black hair, the red lips even more inviting". This woman just RAPED you and you're still finding her beyond attractive?! Not only that, it's not the fact that she raped him that bothers him, it's the fact that she's carrying his first born child.

Also... if your child hasn't been born yet, how can it be your first born child? I guess this is like a preannouncement of an impending pregnancy.

Earwig tries to convince Failee not to go ahead with the ritual (he calls her woman, which would really endear me to him if I was trying to be convinced) Of course, she doesn't listen to him. Instead she makes it so it's impossible for him to move or speak, thus preventing him from sending any signals to Triscuit.

Our hero is trying to figure out what it was Earwig was trying to tell him obliquely. He's also worried about what will happen when the Reckoning takes place, apparently forgetting that it'll be the end of everything (since you know, they're going to fuck it up) instead he's all "We're going to be enslaved!" I'd say he's an idiot, that would be redundant.

Fortunately! He figures it out Just in the Nick of Time! *GASP* He's supposed to bring the Stone to him thus disrupting the ceremony. He then starts to wonder... well, he has no water to submerge it in, will that cause the stone to die? (And why can't he wear it? I don't know).

Anyway, he tries and he tries and he listens to his heart and he blood "And then he heard his call to him. No, Chosen One. Do not use your mind. Use Me, his blood seemed to whisper from somewhere far away. " Yes. His blood is talking to him. Using words. Actual words. Yes. Words. I think Triscuit needs to get checked in somewhere. They have words for people like him. And white coats. Special nice white coats.

So, Triscuit uses the Force his blood, which spews out of him in a long hideous tentacle grabbing the stone and dropping it onto the ground.

Okay. That actually doesn't happen.

Triscuit lifts up the glowing Stone filled with shards of light and drops it onto the floor. The Shards of light hit each of the Sorceresses and they scream a lot as they get sliced and diced. The Gibbets vanish and "Triscuit landed like a cat, despite the weakness in his legs". Almost the SAME exact wording as last time.

All the Sorceresses are dead.

Everwhere he looked there was blood. It covered the floor in pools and dripped long, crimson fingers down the Sanctuary walls. Failee, Vona, Zabarra, and Succiu all lay on the floor, dead. Zabarra had been decapitated, Vona was missing an arm, Failee a leg. Succiu, covered with blood, stared blindly up at the ceiling from where she lay on her back. The prince looked sadly at her abdomen, mourning the child she had carried. My firstborn he thought.

Well, that was anti-climatic. No yelling. No screaming. No "NOW AT LAST I HAVE MY REVENGE YOU EVIL SORCERESS BITCH!!" I mean... what's the point of all those Dire Proclamations if you aren't going to actually use them?

SOMEHOW Sister isn't dead. No reason for this is given. She's just not dead. Instead she's crying hysterically. But not dead. I guess it's just that She's Just That Special. No one even comments about this.

It turns out Earwig and Failee were married. Which explains a WHOLE lot in my opinion. I mean I'd go evil if I was married to such an ignoramus.

Earwig disrobes.

I'm struck blind.

For some reason, Earwig needs to disrobe to take the locket out and put the Stone into it which holds the Bloody Water.

I'm still blind.

Earwig is pleased that Triscuit figured out his riddle.

Oh wait. We get an explanation as to why Triscuit and his sister survived. They are Just That Special. "I can only assume that, ironically, it was the vast quality of your blood that protected you from [the magical killer shards of light]. Simply put, your blood may have been too powerful for them to thrive upon, and so they rejected it."

Can we get a vampire? Please? Angelus? I'm sure he'd have a good time with Triscuit.

Triscuit:*stares blankly at Angelus*
Angelus: Oh come on, is that all you're going to do?
Triscuit: You cannot - *GACKS as Angelus gets bored and attacks him, sucking the blood from his neck*
Angelus:*Gags spits* Ohh... I think that was bad blood there. *sticks his hand in Triscuit's chest and pulls out his heart* There we go. *tap dances on the heart*
Triscuit:*falls dead*

I feel better now.

So. They decide that it's an appropriate time to skeedadle. An intelligent decision on their part. However there's an issue with Sister. See since she thinks she's one of the Coven (even though she's currently a gibbering idiot) that makes her dangerous. So they might have to leave her behind. Also apparently there's a problem with the baby. See... even though she's not even born, she might think that's she's EVIL and one of the EVIL sorceresses because mommy thought she was.

I'm not really sure how that works.

Of course, I'm not really sure how most of this book works.

So, they need to leave quickly, so of course Triscuit decides to stop and fight the Evil Gargoyles. Not to stop them from rampaging across the country side but be cause he has a score to settle. And then! He uses magic to kill the Gargoyle that wants to eat his heart, by magically throwing his daggers at it. It dies horribly and apparently the stupid Gargoyles feel the need to avenge his death. And eat.

Wigg uses magic to set them all on fire and they all die horribly.

Just as they're about to leave they realize Sushi is gone. See, apparently since she was carrying Triscuit's baby she had some of the Chosen One's blood in her and was protected. She then fled. Of course Triscuit follows her.

She manages to get up onto the roof. Triscuit follows her. She has no power. Triscuit hesitates in killing her because she's a weak helpless woman. No thoughts about her raping him are mentioned.

But it was her face that he found most arresting. She had a softer, more compassionate look, as if the wounding by the shards or the loss of so much endowed blood had in some way given her a greater sense of vulnerability. The almond-shaped eyes looked at him with apparent sadness in place of the loathing and hatred he was accustomed to seeing in her face.

Hello. Once again. She RAPED you. She's EVIL! She needs to DIE.

She starts to go into labor and he begs her to let the kid be born and then he'll give her an easy death. She jumps off the roof instead asking for his forgiveness... She's Evil. She only wanted him around for his babies. She'd kill him. But she's asking his forgiveness for killing herself and the baby.


Triscuit then leaves sadly to find the others. He takes the dead baby and buries it in it's own grave. He named it after his father, Nicholas.

And then they leave for the Ghetto of the Shunned after commenting that Sister as a medallion just like Triscuit does.

*hands out pillows*
kippurbird: (Ew)
Now that we've had that lovely... interlude... I suppose we could call it. We find Triscuit hanging around in the dark where he says that he doesn't know what day or hour it was. Which is utterly ridiculous when it comes to the day part. They have about three days left. Obviously It couldn't have been three days then. Which leaves two or one. I have the feeling that the Sorceresses will come in and taunt them every day, which means that a day hasn't passed. So it's been less than a day. Not that hard to figure out on my end.

Anyway, Earwig and Triscuit talk. Earwig says that they must speak obliquely. He says out loud that they need to speak in code. In a room that is more than likely bugged you say out loud that you're going to talk in code. How stupid do you have to be to do that? Or does he think that Triscuit isn't smart enough to realize that he's going to be talking in code so he has to tell him that he is? Somehow, I fear the later. Apparently thinking obliquely means, to think "in intricate layers of thought and deed".

Earwig tells him obliquely that he still has the locket and that Triscuit should wait until the right time to use his magic because sometimes the littlest thing can do a lot of damage. Triscuit doesn't get that last part. But I bet at the right moment it'll come to him! Also that Triscuit must kill his sister if he has to.

Eventually Sushi walks in wearing that erotic leather outfit of hers and leading a bunch of slaves to feed the gargoyles. Sister is also with her. Triscuit shouts at her which surprises Sushi because she's not used to men talking to her without permission. She lets them free and somehow, even after being in that cage not being able to move for at least a day, Triscuit manages to land on his feet like a cat. This is just like when he fell down the hole and didn't hurt himself. He is Gumby.

Triscuit, Earwig and Dwarf get fed. Triscuit still finds Sushi beautiful even though she's evil. They're fed by the slaves. Earwig and Dwarf get put back. Triscuit gets to watch Sister feed the Gargoyles. Apparently the one that Triscuit fought is the only intelligent one of the lot. And yet he's apparently perfectly satisfied with hanging out in a hole in the ground with the other dumb ones. If was as well spoken as that gargoyle I'd be like, No, I'm not hanging out with these louts. Apparently baby gargoyles are kept in bottles.

Once again Triscuit appeals to Sister saying can't you see I'm your brother. And she says no, but damn you're hot. The six slaves are all "young,lithe, and beautiful" which makes them a waste for them to die. I'm sure if they were ugly it'd be okay though. Notice that nothing about their intelligence or skills matters here. Just their looks. Sister pushes the slaves into the pit and they all die horribly. Triscuit gives a dire proclamation about how he's going to kill his sister. Because she's no longer her his sister.

Finally Sushi decides to rape Triscuit. Finally. I shouldn't say that. Still. Sister wants to watch. Sushi disrobes Triscuit and Sister sees the medallion and it puzzles her. Sushi says that she'll show Sister how it's done. Sister is pregnant, I'm fairly certain she knows how to have sex. But I imagine she probably did it wrong by letting the man be on top.

Sushi gets Triscuit up, "greater than he had ever known". She rides him.

And then it happened.

Succi threw back her head and screamed, and as if she could will it, with that scream came the inevitable waves as they rippled through his groin. But this time, the experience was different.

The pain was beyond anything he had ever experienced in his life.

Every nerve was on fire as he, too, began to scream, his sweat covered body convulsively dancing and jangling like a marionette at the end of unseen strings, his head thrashing violently back and forth, white foam dribbling from the corners of hims moth. To his dazed and controlled mind it seemed to go on forever, his own screams mingling with hers, joining and careening off the white, spotless walls of the Sanctuary.

There's really nothing much I can say to that except that Newcomb has an interesting choice in imagery. "dancing and jangling like a marionette at the end of unseen strings". Also, Triscuit appears to have become rabid. Best put him down out of our misery.

To make things even worse (I bet you're ALL wondering how that can be too, but trust me, it does). You see, Sorceresses can chose when they conceive. Damn biology! Also Sorceresses can accelerate their pregnancies. So Triscuit's kid will be born three days from then. Apparently the Sorceresses are really good at popping out babies yes. Just like a real woman should be.

Triscuit angsts about it and is put back in his cage.

Triscuit and Earwig once again talk Obliquely. I'm stopping here for now, because the next chapter is the Communion and I don't want to stop in the middle of it.


Jan. 5th, 2008 11:06 pm
kippurbird: (Give a damn?)
Short tonight!

We're plowing through towards the end. Plowing, plowing, plowing, like through mounds of horse shit. Now then, if we recall, Failee was being horribly incesty. Earwig calls her on it saying that the product would be a result of horrible inbreeding. However Failee thought of that. She tells him how she bred the minions "Bred them from humans taken from the countryside and mated over time with the many exotic animals we found here." Oh... hay. We finally hit bestiality. How about that. I was wondering when we'd get to it. About time. I think we've hit just about everything. Did we miss anything? Anyone? Now that we've hit this new low, Failee tells us that she created a spell that prevents inbreeding in the minions and that's what she's going to use with Triscuit's baby and his aunt.

Remember that gargoyle thing that talked too much and rather elegantly? Apparently they're the pre-Minions. In fact, it is the same gargoyle that Triscuit supposedly killed. Earwig explains to us in long detail about how this could be. Gargoyle says that he was promised Triscuit's heart. Also they eat slaves that disappoint Sushi and the others. Another reason why Dwarf kept on needing to find new ones. Dwarf apparently didn't know this. After three hundred years he some how didn't know this. Even though he went with Sushi everywhere like one of those little yap dogs, he didn't know this.

It's a plot hole the size of ...
Um... yes. Belgium works.

More boring rambling. A couple more uses of the word "nastily".

And finally we get to the point. Will Triscuit have sex with them? He refuses. They start to choke Earwig to get him to agree. Unfortunately they don't kill him. Instead they're going to turn him into a bloodstalker. Why couldn't they just kill him? If he's alive he can be trouble. Just kill him. In a desperate attempt Earwig tells her that she's going to destroy life as we know it. Of course she doesn't believe him.

She then leaves them there to hang after saying that she's going to have Sludge go after all the lepers to find out who helped them get there.
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
Triscuit is dead again. Don't get your hopes up though, we still have about a hundred pages left. So, he's dead and he sees daddy. No, wait, he's dreaming. Daddy absolves him of any guilt for killing him.

It gets worse )
kippurbird: (Give a damn?)
Well, I'm having a day. Yesterday my car started making a Techy Techky noise and then it had issues starting. Today it still made the Techy Techky noise and again had issues starting. So my dad took it into the shop and my mom dropped me off at work. Turns out the starter is shot and there's something wrong with the axle. Also they don't know what's making the techy Techky noise. So, I have no car and am dependent on my dad to get me to work. And he has to drop me off before the library even opens tomorrow. Joy. He's not letting me call in sick either. :(

Now then, I am going to make the rest of you all miserable so that you can share in my misery of not having a car.

Actually, I was going to do this anyway. So NEH.

FINALLY they reach the Recluse where the Sorceresses live. Finally, finally, finally. Time crunch? What time crunch? They left Angel in the caves and it broke Triscuit's heart to leave her there. It actually says this. And he promised to come back for her on his life. In any case, they're staring at the Recluse.

The Recluse is big and pretty.

Earwig needs to talk to Triscuit about the locket that Gimpy gave to him. Apparently, according to Triscuit they don't have time for a talk even though they had time for rescuing Angel. Yes. See it's okay if Triscuit wants to do it because he's the Chosen one and he has no choice in the matter but if anyone else has something they want to do it's not good. Because only Triscuit matters.

Anyway, Earwig tells Triscuit that if something happens to him ie he dies, Triscuit needs to take the locket from around his neck and open it. Whereupon he remember his heritage as a Time Lord. Wait. No. Wrong thing. Never mind. Whereupon... something will happen, which Earwig can't tell him. Cause if he doesn't know, it can't be tortured out of him.

Then Earwig goes on to tell him that when he saw the bridge to the Shadowood that was the first time he ever used magic and he did so without any previous training. This is sort of a duh. After all only a wizard who uses magic can see the invisible but not bridge. But apparently it's without precedent. Of course.

Wigg looked carefully at Tristan. "When Faegan heard of it, he was astounded. That was one of the things we were discussing in private. He told me that he believes if you concentrate hard enough, due to the quality of your blood you might be able to use the craft, even if the Coven and I are powerless. Not in any major way, since you are untrained, but hopefully in some small way that might help. Something simple, such as moving an object or lighting a flame. For most wizards, even these lesser examples of the craft can only be accomplished after years of practice. But you, the Chosen One, maybe be able to do so by nature." Wigg watched the carefully chosen words sink in, fully aware of the effect they would have.

Yup. Newcomb just raped his own meager magic system up the ass with a pineapple. He had stated that magic only worked when the stone was red. Now he's saying that since Triscuit is Just That Special he's not bound by these rules. So basically we now know he's allowed to Dues Ex Machina the climax of the story instead of actually thinking of a way to solve the problem. He can just do MAGIC. When he hears his heart, he can do MAGIC!

I have no idea what that means.

Also apparently since he'll be using the craft untrained something might happen to him. I'm guessing he'll turn into a cabbage. Or maybe a pumpkin. I like pumpkin. Or a radish. Maybe a lima bean.

But such dreams are not to be.

The three of them go in the the lair of the Evil Sorceresses. Triscuit's blood is starting to churn wildly and feel lusty. He might want to get that looked at. They get stopped by some Minions which are completely armed. I don't know why we're being told this, after all if they're on guard duty it makes sense for them to be completely armed. A commanding officer comes over carrying a jug of wine, which I find extremely suspicious. They don't seem to be the type that would tolerate drinking on duty. The Minion pokes at Triscuit with his sword and asks if they were men or women, obviously hoping that they're women. Which makes no sense (again) because they're not allowed to screw non-Minions. Also why can't they screw men? Wait... sorry screwing men would be unmanly or something. Of course there's nothing at ALL sexual about sticking your sword into a helpless slave.

The guard lets them go and then is no longer drunk but instead goes and lights a signal fire to let Sludge know that Earwig and Triscuit are in the Lair.

Dwarf leads them through the interior of the Lair and it's all pretty like, much to Triscuit's amazement and disgust because it hides the true barbaric nature of the place. Because if they're EVIL they obviously must decorate their place so that it shows that they are EVIL. They go down, down, down, down, down stairs. And finally into a torture chamber!

There are dead disemboweled bodies hung up on the ceiling. Earwig speculates that they tortured for a reason (as if the Evil Sorceresses ever needed a reason before) and that they might have been questions about Earwig and Triscuit. Which is utterly ridiculous because there's no possible way random people from town could know who the two of them are.

Finally they get to the Stables. There are hundreds of pretty people wearing nothing but loincloths. They frolic and "kiss and stroke each other" (I am assuming they're having sex) and are having a gay old time. Why? Two words. Giant Bong.

In contrast to the revelers, there were a number of slaves lazing on floor cushions in the middle of the room, seemingly doing very little. In the center of them sat a very large device, the likes of which Tristan had never seen. Its base was a large glass bowl, with glass tubes extending upward from it and branching outward into several lines of woven material, each of which ended in a circular piece of brass. To his amazement, one of the slaves took the end of one of the lines, placed the brass piece into his or her mouth, then seemed to inhale deeply. After holding his breath for some time, he blew the violet smoke from his mouth and handed the appliance to the woman next to him.

The new slaves are forced to ingest the drug which makes them addicted to it and makes them happy. Eventually however it drives them mad and then kills them. Which is why they're constantly in need of new slaves. They're slaves. The Sorceress are evil, as [ profile] canadianevil suggested they should just put the fear of the Sorceresses into the slaves. probably cheaper.

Anyway, the chapter ends with Triscuit seeing a great big azure ball of which he had never seen something so beautiful (does that mean he likes the ball better than the girl?) which hits him and he passes out.

As I have to get up bugger early tomorrow, I'm going to bed.
kippurbird: (meat!)
Ahh... so Triscuit is off to kill things. Where before he had been frozen unable to move, this time he leaps off the hill and twirls his body around in mid air -making me think of those ice skaters - and kills the two Minions very easily. Now the question is this. Why is he able to kill the two Minions very easily when it's just for some random girl who might be dead, but not able to kill Kludge when his father's life is at stake? Just ponder this for a moment. Kludge gave him a sword and did nothing except kill your father or I'll kill him messily. Triscuit HAD the sword in his hands and he did NOTHING except stand around with his mouth open to catch flies. Now that he has to rescue girl who may not be alive he's able to easily kill TWO minions. Why? Plot Contrivance. If Triscut kills daddy he has Angst. If Triscut rescues girl he's a hero. And in no point did Triscuit go though a change of experience or a "I can do this sort of thing" where he meets a challenge similar to the Minions. He just does it.

Also Newcomb says, "colorless vitreous humor" which is in reference....*checks Medical Dictionary* to the gooey stuff in the eye. Who actually uses vitreous humors unless they're writing in medical journals? I mean at Triscuit's world level of technology they wouldn't even have a word for that besides like maybe gooey stuff from behind the eye. Then he notices the shiny throwing Xena Wheel and decides to keep it. And that must be his THIRD weapon that the Prophecy was talking about. Never mind the fact that he has no idea how to use it. I mean it takes the Minions years to learn how to use it properly. But it doesn't matter, he'll be able to use it just fine because he's the Chosen One.

He goes down to the Wheels of Misfortune and takes a gander at the dead people. Where upon...

Upon reaching the wheel, he found himself look up at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. The long blond hair that hung down between the spokes of the wheel was thick and lustrous, and amazing combination of colors that resembled corn tassels laced with the palest of honey. The similarly colored eyebrows were long and arching; he imagined her eyes were blue. She had a slim straight nose; pink lips, and Tristan could see the dried rivulets of tears that had run from her eyes, then onto her cheeks, and down onto the ground.

Apparently Lillith has all been forgotten and we have a new contender for the DLI.

There are trophies of the dead angel people hanging in the bushes. Their clipped off wings all preserved and displayed. This makes Triscuit Mad and his endowed blood rose and strangled him much like when Grunthos the Flatulent's own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

We should be so lucky.

It turns out beautiful Angel is not dead, which the confirm when Triscuit pokes her in the foot with the tip of his sword. As opposed to... checking to see if she's breathing. They get her down from her wheel. Her eyes are, just as Triscuit thought, blue. Sapphire blue to be exact. She panics when she sees Triscuit thinking that he's a Minion. Then she becomes in awe of him. See he doesn't have wings and that is amazing. There is lots of remarking about her beauty.

Her name is Narrissa of the Galliplai. They take her with them because they can't leave her there. Also she hasn't been raped yet apparently. I find that one hard to believe, but what do I know?

So, they ride off and all of a sudden Angel girl feels the need to go somewhere. Because of a Gallipolai myth. Angel wants Triscuit to take her because she trusts him, but not Dwarf and Earwig, so he tells them that she needs to take care of some Female Problems.

They're going to a gravesite where the dead angel people bury themselves. I'm not really sure how that works. But she has to say "the words".

"The ones handed down through the generations. The secret words each Gallipolai learns in childhood, against the day they might be condemned to the wheel and somehow survive. The words the Minions of Day and Night know nothing of. Although our wings and hair may turn, deep inside we are still Gallipolai. And the legend says that none of use, even those whose coloring has turned, has ever divulged the secret. For they remain Galipolai first and Minion second."

Why do they have a myth and legend? Why? How would they even know about the dead burying themselves if none of them survive the wheel to tell anyone? I mean, it's a wonderful idea and everything, but how do they know about this pull that will take them to the grave site if it's never happened before?

In any case, as logic hardly matters here. She says the words, which are hardly at all impressive "Show yourselves so that you may be freed" and they start seeing tiny glowing lights in amber and silver. I'm thinking these are their souls that went and buried themselves in the ground until someone came by and said you can go now. The glowy lights then bless the two of them.

It is now time for us to depart this world, and go to another. But know this: Wherever the two of you may go, or whatever you may do, you will always be bound in your hearts by your act of kindness this night. For it is only the good that holds beings together, and only the evil that tears them apart, and in this we thank you for your charity, your courage and offer to you our blessings."

And love and happiness will over flow the rivers and the bunnies will piss rainbows and life is all fluffy cotton candy while the evil people will all die because they're bad and mean. Please deposit your donations in the tray that's being passed around.

I feel all sparkly now.


So, Triscuit and Angel go back to Earwig and Dwarf and have a heart to heart talk. She asks all about him and he asks all about her. And yes, she's a virgin because Minions are forbidden to have sex with them.

Finally she makes Trisicut promise to return for her so that they can explore their feelings for each other. Because they need to plant their love and let it grow.
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
If we remember correctly, earlier on Earwig said that there was no Afterlife but instead it was just something that came into common usage when the People heard it from the wizards. Upon learning this, Triscuit had no emotional response to this beyond, "huh". His beliefs were not challenged because he has none. And even though he knows that there is no "Afterlife" he continues to believe in it as evidenced by the beginning of this next chapter.

He believes that he has died and is in the Afterlife. There are naked people and he finds this odd. He wants to find his parents and apologize for not protecting them better the day that the winged monsters came. Why does he think winged monsters? Why not Minions? We know that they're winged monsters and he doesn't think of them as winged monsters but instead as Minions. By saying "The day that the winged monsters came" Newcomb is trying to be dramatic and thoughtful instead of keeping in Triscuit's voice... what little voice he has.

And then he wakes up and is lying naked in the grass. Dwarf apparently saved him. And now I'm just realizing something. Dwarf has to carry around a heavy chain with him wherever he goes, so how was he able to swim through the poo water without drowning? Triscuit gets dressed and gets on a horse. The horse isn't as good as Pilgrim and "he longed for his own horse to be under him."

That really sounds dirty to me. I don't know about anyone else, but it does to me.

So, they're riding, they're riding, they're riding. When we see people they're sad and oppressed because they live in the land of the Evil Sorceresses. Which is silly because I don't think that most of the people will have much contact with them or their Minions. I mean yes in theory they're oppressed but that shouldn't really effect their day to day lives when they're so far away from the Coven.

They ride some more and then Dwarf takes them on a detour. See there are really large birds that like to eat people circling around and Dwarf wants to avoid them. They're circling over a valley used by the Minons. Triscuit's blood starts talking to him again and tells him that he needs to go see this place.

Logically, Earwig says that they can't do it, they have a mission. You know, time crunch and all that saving the world shit. Triscuit tells Earwig that he understands but his personal desires are more important than saving the world. Earwig's response to this?

"In truth, I cannot control him right now," the old one said. "Because of the nature of his blood, he is partially under the influences of things he will not be able to control until he reads the Tome.

Basically, Triscuit doesn't have to take any responsibility for anything he does because it's not his fault. He's not in control of his blood. And he won't be until he reads the book, so it's not really his fault. The blood made him do it. Which is even worse of a thing than just him being the Chosen One. He doesn't chose to do anything. He's not in control and doesn't make any real choices he just does whatever his blood tells him to do and he can't control it at all. What's the point of having a Chosen One if he doesn't take responsibility for his actions?

In the Valley of the Minions we see the Minions being evil.

Straining his eyes, he could see that the bodies had been literally woven in and out between the spokes of the wheels and simply allowed to turn there in the wind, exposed to the elements until they were dead. At first his mind rejected the sheer physical impossibility of such a thing until, looking more carefully, he could see how it had been done. Each of the men's arms, legs, back and neck had been broken. In many cases jagged, white splinters of bones could be seen erupting through the victim's skin.

There is also a girl with wings on a wheel, but not broken, just tied on. She and the others were born of the Minions (one out of every five thousand children is born blond with white wings) and they're kept alive -raised in disgrace- until they're twenty five. If they change wings and hair color they become Minions, if not they get to hang out on the Wheels of Torment. Apparently they are very loving... which is also an inferior trait. Which means that the Minions are incapable of loving. How do you breed out an emotional response? I mean just because you're able to love doesn't mean that you can't do evil things. But things don't work like that in Newcomb land. The angelic looking Minions are called Gallipolai.

Why do the rejects get a better name than the Minions?

Also, apparently getting your arms, legs, neck and back broken before getting threaded through the spokes of a wheel isn't enough to kill the Gallipolai because they're left there to die. And apparently they seldom survive for more than three days. I'm surprised they last more than an hour with all the blood loss, the bone breaking and the threading through the wheels. But what do I know?

Triscuit learns that two Minions keep watch and he runs off to kill them. Yay.

Happy New Year people!
kippurbird: (Duck of doom)
I bought a Gargantuan Blue Dragon today. It shall live on my microwave and terrorize all the little minis there. I also bought six devil duckies to add to my bathroom collection of rubber duckies. Soon they will over run the place and I will not have a bathroom but a ducky sanctuary.

Triscuit and Earwig cool their heels waiting for Dwarf to show them to the Evil Sorceresses' lair. Instead of you know... actually doing something because you know... they're on a time crunch or anything. But what do I know.

Dwarf shows up, and apparently he and Ian never developed some sort of code to let the other know that it's them. Ian just opens the door hoping that it's Dwarf. Fortunately, it is Dwarf and not a trap. Dwarf tells them that Sister is now one of Them and Triscuit reacts badly to this saying that Dwarf is lying. Earwig thinks they should hear Dwarf out. Because you know, he might not be lying. Dwarf tells them everything he knows about the Coven and then tells them that they're going to walk in through the front gate.

Triscuit has an overinflated opinion of himself and Earwig saying that they'll be recognized if they go in, because you know, everyone knows what they look like. But they'll be wearing dark cloaks that will disguise them, because there's nothing suspicious about that at all. Nope.

And then we have a strange moment that makes it look like Triscuit is hearing things that aren't there.

Wigg sighed and rubbed his chin with one hand. "Why would they want slaves from the Ghetto," he asked "When they can have healthier, more well-subdued citizens from the towns?"

"Not they," Geldon replied. "Only Succiu. It was here, in this place, that Succiu first found me."

Mistress Shailiha. The pain stabbed through Tristan's being as surely as if he had been physically wound in battle. This is the first time I have ever heard her referred to as mistress. He closed his eyes as he felt his heart tear.

This would have been far more effective if someone had actually said Mistress Shailiha. But there had been no mention of her at all for three pages. I think something got cut or misplaced. But in any case it's bad editing.

We learned last time that Earwig using his magic = bad because it'll let the Sorceresses know that they're there, but apparently they need to use magic to get out. Why do they need to use magic? Because they need to widen an old rusty grate. Triscuit is a Strong Manly Man. Surely he could open it without using magic or much effort. I mean isn't that the point of having Strong Manly Men? To open things like that? Nope! Instead they need to risk everything by having Earwig open the grate.

Which is exactly the point. Because our very next scene is Failee going "My Spider Sense is tingling" ... or "My Male Endowed Blood Sense is tingling."

I wonder if the endowed blood have some sort of instant messenger service and whenever someone has endowed blood they send a message to all the people around them who also have endowed blood.

She's not at all concerned that Somehow Earwig survived all the nasty stuff thrown at him or how he managed to get across the Sea of Whispers. No, instead she's glad that he's there so that, "when she at last had him in her grasp, she would make him watch as she fulfilled the Coven's rightful destiny, and female endowed blood finally ruled the world". See none of this would have happened if they had taught the females just the same as the males. But Noooo... women are Evil so they have to try and Rule the World by turning everyone in to CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF REAL PEOPLE.

Wait... never mind. They already are.

Why do I care what happens again?

Failee tells Sushi and Sludge that the Chosen One and Earwig are on their way and they should double the guard and put the very best assassins around Sister. Failee then says that she wants Sushi and Sludge to stop having sex. Sludge gives us ANOTHER dire proclamation this time in regards to his feelings for Sushi. "If she cannot be mind, then I will see to it that the Chosen One, the man Succiu seems so interested in dies slowly, indeed."

With all the dire proclamations flying around they've be come funny rather than threatening. I keep on imagining people standing around with their fists on their hips as they think or say these things. Sludge sulks off vowing to kill the Chosen One.

Speaking of the Chosen One, he starts to drown in a sea of poo because his sword gets stuck in the grate. The thing is, I'm not at all afraid for Triscuit's life because he's the Chosen One and there are Prophecies written about him, so I know he has to survive. There's no fear of danger. He's the Chosen One, so he has to win. And this is the reason why Chosen Ones are no fun. They're Chosen. They have to win. It's as easy as that.

A very appropriate thing, I think.


Dec. 29th, 2007 08:34 pm
kippurbird: (River Bible)
Our new section begins with gibberish, once again.

It is not the absence of evil that perpetuates goodness. That alone is the province of the teachings of the Vigors, and is found to be most true in the hearts of kind men of endowed blood. It is however, the absence of goodness that allows evil to survive.

I like the fact that women of endowed blood aren't allowed to be good. Or that normal people can't be as good as people with endowed blood. Men with endowed blood that is. Women are still crap. So, a normal guy could save an entire village of people from the Minions but he still wouldn't be as good as Gimpy. I love this guy's morality. It's not what you do apparently but what you were born that makes you good or evil.

Ahh... so, on we go. Failee and Sister are admiring the room where the Blood Communion will take place. There's a long description of the room. Complete with thrones and a pentangle on the ground. Sister's blood is talking to her now telling her that it's her destiny. What is with all this talking blood. Why is there always talking blood? It's getting silly now. Can't there be something else, like the gut or a vision or... something? Why is it always the talking blood?

My blood told me too.

We get some of Newcomb's fantasies. I think he really has a thing for Sushi.

The second mistress was dressed in a black leather vest and breeches, but tight fitting and leaving little to the imagination. Black elbow-length gauntlets and high helled knee boots also in shiny black leather completed the picture, and she carried a long riding crop in her left hand.

You know, there's nothing really snarky I can say to that. We already know that Newcomb has issues and this just sort of proves it. We really didn't need to know this. I really didn't want to know this. And yet now I do.

The rest of the Sorceresses are there to feed "them". They've decided to feed Stefan to "them". Stefan is the one that couldn't get it up for Sushi. He couldn't get it up again, so she is unhappy. Dwarf is there and he's feeling horribly guilty about all of this. He even gives us a Dire Proclamation. "But I swear I will live to see this bitch die... Even if must somehow kill her myself" I think that's nine.

Sushi demands that Dwarf throw Stefan in to a pit of horrible hissing things. He is surprised that she's asking him to do this because apparently over three hundred years she never made him kill someone. I find this highly unlikely. But the only point of it is to make him hesitate long enough for sister to say, "let me kill him." She then shoves the guy over, "Feeling the endowed blood rushing through her veins with more sheer joy than she had ever known". Murder makes you happy when you're evil!

Dwarf cries TWO single tears.

Geldon lowered his head, and a tear began to form in each of his eyes and run down the lengths of his cheeks. one tear for the slave,he thought. And one tear for the princess this new sorceress used to be.

I is sad now. =(

Now we skip over to Triscuit and Earwig. Triscuit wakes up and he feels hungover. Then someone holds a sword to his throat and I'm happy. We see Earwig who is curled up like a baby a little bit away. It actually says that, not in so many words, but it says that. They're in Dwarf's aviary. The guy with the sword demands that Triscuit tell him who he is.

Truiscit spills. Apparently naming his sister's makes the guy with the sword relax. Once he's satisfied with Triscuit's identification the guy, we learn is named Ian and he's a leper. Having endowed blood protects you from leprosy. It's a magic cure all! And it talks to you! WOO! I want some! Faegan also told Ian that there is no leprosy in Eutracia.

Earwig says this is not at all true.

"First there was leprosy in the kingdom Eutracia," Wigg began. "The Coven induced it into the population during the war, and then dispersed rumors throughout the land that it was an intentional by-product of male endowed blood. Their plans proved to be quite successful, and we knew we had to find a cure to reverse both the physical and psychological damage that had been done." He looked at Ian, anticipating the effect of his next words. "We found it," he said compassionately.

The wizards are Jesus! Not only that but they're mind controlling Jesus! Because they're able to undo psychological damage! Because they're just that special!

Anyway, they have to wait two days until Dwarf shows up again. Good stopping point.
kippurbird: (paint drying)
We still haven't had a chapter break, mind you. Still in the same chapter that began when they first met Gimpy about forty odd pages ago.

On this very special... )


Dec. 26th, 2007 10:41 pm
kippurbird: (Shock!)
I do not need to write a short story involving the first five Fey Champions.

Okay, maybe I do.

But I'm trying to convince myself I don't.

But I really want to...


Gimpy is a Bad Dad )
kippurbird: (Feanor Hates You)
An early...? Late? Something? Christmas gift!

Well. Not really.

Moving on!

Get ready to hurt )
kippurbird: (paint drying)
There's an Oxford Dictionary of Quotations at work that I'm thinking about taking. The only reason I'm hesitating is because it'll displace one of my Lego sets. Says something about me, doesn't it?

Also, I think it's only fair that if the radio stations are going to play an obnoxious amount of Christmas songs around Christmas, it's only fair that they play an obnoxious amount of Hannuka songs around Hannuka. But that's just me, you know?

Okay. Back to the Stupid.

It's time for the final breaking of Sister. After one night of the fake nightmare nightmares she's not waking up and this is a good thing because it finally means she's ready to lose all her memories and become EVIL.

There's a very.. odd phrase, not phrase, thought here, by Failee.

Despite all their knowledge and power, my other Sisters are still as children compared to me, Failee thought serenely, still looking out the window. Only a complete study of the Vagaries can bring one to the place of enlightenment that I have found, and therefore to the understanding that I now alone possess. They must follow me, as they alway have. They have no choice. They never will.

Failee is going to be giving up her position as leader of the Coven to Sister. They don't say why this is, just that she is. So, Sister will be more powerful that Failee and the others will be following her. Which makes the last part of her thought invalid, because they won't be following her. They'll be following Sister. And how come they can't become as learned in the craft as she is? Is she hiding stuff or what? I dunno. It's just very... odd to me.

For her final nightmare they decide to threaten her unborn child by having the people she cares about (Wigg, mom, dad, husband and twin) try to get at it. How? By violating her. Sticking their hand up her vagina and groping. As opposed to... cutting open her belly. She then slaughters all of them and walks out of the room remembering nothing.

Annnnnd back to Triscuit. They go to see Faegan following Shannon. There Earwig notices that there's a tree growing that's a magic tree with all sorts of different plants grafted onto it, plants that the Evil Coven tried to destroy because they were used for magic.

Finally we meet Faegan. He plays the violin. And he has no legs. Instead he's in a wheelchair. There's also a dark blue cat with a silver chain in the room. We then get Triscuit's view of Faegen himself.

Tristan had never believed he would see a pair of eyes more intense - or more beautiful - than Wigg's. But he had been wrong. Faegan's eyes were even more amazing.

Large and heavily hooded, they stared back at Tristan with absolute candor and calmness. A calmness born of power. The gray irises were huge, flecked with strange green motes that made the eyes look rather like continuously turning kaleidoscopes. Over the eyes rested long, arched brows; the gray hair was rather raggedly parted down the middle and fell over his shoulders. A large, hawklike nose hung over a long, thin lipped mouth. The strong jaw commanded respect.

He spends six sentences describing the eyes. Six. Including the word "beautiful". These are the sort of things that you only use on the DLI.

Gimpy learns that Triscuit is the Chosen One and asks Trisicut to kneel before him and look into his eyes. Actually he says, "Bend over and look into my eyes." My mind went in ALL the wrong places with the first half the sentence. "Tristan did as he was told, and almost immediately became lost in the swirling green motes. It was like being caught in a bottomless whirlpool of color."


Earwig and Gimpy discuss Triscuit like he's not there and a lot of stuff we already know. And they discuss the cat, Nicodemus, who is also under these marvelous time enchantments that everyone seems to be under. Triscuit gets pissy and Emo demanding answers. He's ignored.

Instead they go to a garden where we learn that Gimpy can talk to the magical colorful butterflies. It's kinda like an Ouija board. You ask the butterfly a question and it spells out the answer for you on a large marble letter circle. I'm not really sure how he taught the butterflies how to spell though. While we see this Earwig and Gimpy snip at each other like Exs. I mean school boys. >.>

I'm not really sure what the point of the magical colorful spelling butterflies are, but I'm sure they'll come in handy later. Except maybe to make Triscuit look smart as he asks, "But what do the fliers have to do with the garden?" and Gimpy answers, "Leave it to the Chosen One to bring us finally to the heart of the question." He uses the butterflies for pollination.

Yes, All you need to do to be a Chosen One is ask Questions! And obvious ones at that!

Triscuit then asks for answers again and again is ignored.

Instead they go have dinner, because you know, getting to the bottom of what's happened isn't as important as dinner. Which is the beginning of a rather long series of events, so I'm going to cut off here for now.
kippurbird: (Feanor Hates You)
So, let's see... if I'm a cleric fifth level... I get turn undead... I think... four times a day. Hrm... not bad.

No. I didn't just look that up in my Player's Handbook.

Okay, maybe I did. =D

I'm at +3 to hit stuff too!

Should be useful.

Chickens! )
kippurbird: (paint drying)
Ahh... we're a little over half way through. Yes. Good vibes my pigeons, good vibes. However, as the book keeps on downhill... we all maybe cat food at the end.

We're back with Sludge. He's unhappy because he hasn't killed Triscuit yet. And he thinks that once he kills Triscuit Sushi will be his. (All those who believe that go and get your heads examined, I think the book is getting to you.) As he's thinking this, he's busy killing his own men. You see, since the people of the land that they live in has/had no standing army so they didn't know the science of war and so the Minions had no one to practice fighting against. Becuase not having a standing army means you don't know how to fight. So every once in a while they'll fight each other to the death. Literally, to the death. Because, you know mock battles are so cowardly... or something. I'm not really certain why you need realistic training to the death either. It's not even a good idea. Sludge, in his brilliance, fights one on one with the strongest of his warriors and then kills them. Which would then leave only the weakest around to do your battling.

But they think it's a good idea because it weeds out the weaker minions. Even though sometimes some are so badly damaged that they can't fight any more.

So, Sludge kills and then Sushi shows up. He gets horny. Sushi wants to talk to him privately, but not like that. Sludge wants to know if it's okay that dwarf is listening in. Which is utterly ridiculous for him to say because Dwarf has been with her like a shadow going everywhere and has heard everything she talks about practically, so there's no reason for Sludge to distrust him. BUT since this is being pointed out in such an obvious manner, we know that Dwarf is going to betray them.

Sushi wants Sludge to double the guard around their compound because she thinks there's going to be an attack. She's taking precautions that the others don't know about. She says that he may get his chance to kill the Chosen One but not until AFTER he's brought to her. Oh! And we get dire proclamation number 5 from Sludge, "I shall kill you in front of the second mistress, endowed blood or not,m and prove to her which of us is the better man."

Sludge gets an update on the days fighting from Traax. Four hundred and fifty wounded, two hundred which are permanently disabled. Which is an acceptable loss. Then there's going to be a Kachinnar which is a warrior's vigil. I think. Mm...

Kludge glared intently into Traax's eyes with a ferocity that was more feigned than real, designed to make sure that clear flashing master/slave signals passed between them just the same.

So, the thingy apparently involves a Minion who hesitated in killing a friend. Because building strong bonds between warriors is a bad thing. You know, it'll avoid things like watching each other's backs and teamwork.

Long boring description of where the Minions live, a place of relative comfort and wealth. Apparently the only females around are whores who live in brothels. Which is rather silly, because if their women are only around to be brood mares then they wouldn't be whores cause they're not getting paid. And I'm wondering why taking "mates" is a bad thing as well... but I'm trying to put logic here when obviously all that's important is to show that these Minions are great and their women are worthless whores.

We go into the Hall of Heroes which sounds like something from the Super-Friends cartoon where there's a full blown orgy going on. Men screw women right on the floor or the table while others cheer them on and they eat and drink and fuck. This would go on all night apparently except there's going to be a Kachinaar. It's a sort of trial where it doesn't matter if they've actually committed a crime just that they've been accused. No... wait... they do something to the guy and if he survives he's innocent and if he doesn't he's guilty.

Kinda like those witch trial things. If she drowns she's innocent and if she floats she's a witch and they burn her. WOO!

What happens is the charged party is hung upside down by two ropes. Five minions are blindfolded and they throw their Xena Chakrums at the ropes. If all the ropes are cut the minion falls to a horrible death to be eaten by wolves. If they're not, then he's innocent.

Once this is done (the guy falling horribly to his death) Sludge fucks a girl who reminds him of Sushi on the tables.

We skip over to Sister now, who's afraid to sleep. She had a memory of Triscuit and Earwig so she gets to spend a night in the Nightmare room having bloody boils all over her. She then starts to blame the people in her visions as being the cause of all this mayhem.

"There is no cause to worry


Dec. 19th, 2007 08:02 pm
kippurbird: (paint drying)
Strange but true. My dad eats mustard raw. I mean without putting it on anything. He does that with BBQ sauce too.

My brother and I are not allowed to do it though.

Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent from who knows where, we're back with Triscuit and Earwig. Earwig is trying to get Triscuit to see the thing that isn't really invisible, but Triscuit can't see. Even thought it's not really invisible. How does that work again? It seems that the way to see is to relax your eyes or something like those Magic Eye thingies. I always liked them. I was good at them. Easy for me to do. I had one in my room of dinosaurs. Those were cool. They should bring them back. Those and Hypercolor T-shirts. Ahh... the late eighties and early nineties such nifty things.

Whoops. Sorry digressing.

Triscuit is still upset about the whole Lillith not being his true love thing. Not the fact that he had been raped mind you, but the fact that she wasn't real. I'm starting to think that Triscuit probably assumes that every women wants to jump him, so it doesn't matter who or what they are or how they do it, it's just how women are. Birds fly and women want to have sex with him. Egotistical bastard.

Earwig keeps on telling him, "heed your blood, not your eyes... don't fight to see the image, but let it simply come to you, instead. Look for it with your heart. And listen to your blood."

Totally Magic Eye shit going on here. Total.

Some boring shit and then Earwig makes him close his eyes and then for some reason when he opens them he can see the canyon. "And he could feel the presence of the endowed blood in his veins with new vigor, almost as if for the first time." Um... that's not a good thing, being able to feel your own blood. High blood pressure maybe?

We finally see a gnome! They're red necks.

He was only about as high as the prince's waist, perhaps even somewhat shorter, but other wise he seemed mostly human. He had red hair shot through with gray, and a scruffy, identically colored beard covered his face. The dark, beady eyes sat above a rather large, turned-up nose. He wore blue bibs over a bright red shirt, scruffy knee boots with upturned ends, and a strange lopsided black cap that dangled down to one side.

From seemingly nowhere the gnome produced a chair and an oversized jug of ale. He sat in the chair and took a long draught of the ale, and then proceeded to light the corncob pipe that Triscuit now noticed sticking out from between his teeth.

Garden gnome red necks.

Just dwell on that for a while.

Also the gnome is named "Shannon the Small"

Is this like the Mac Nac Feegles naming conventions? Is there a Shannon the Medium? Shannon the Large? Shannon the not as Large as Shannon the Large but Larger than Shannon the Medium? I mean really, who actually calls them self "Small" if you belong to a race of short people? This is like those guys who wrote the Tomes where they called themselves "The Ones Who Came Before".

Oh! And there's a Time Discrepancy. In the beginning of the chapter we're told it had been several weeks since the Natasha incident, but then we're told that it's only been a few days. Now, as I'm fairly certain they haven't been to Fairy Land, this time discrepancy is what we call "Bad Editing" and "Lazy Writing". Can you say that? I'm sure you can.

Triscuit doesn't see why they need permission from a "unendowed" gnome to cross a damn bridge (as opposed to what? An endowed gnome? Perhaps that's why he's Shannon the Small. He's not endowed.) so he starts to cross it with out permission. Shannon bites him in the leg.

This is how the gnomes protect the entrance to the valley that isn't invisible. They bite people in the leg like dogs. Surely if the gnomes are intelligent (they wear clothes and everything) they would have a better way of protecting the bridge than by biting people. I mean, if you want a guardian that bites people, get a magical dog or something. Not a gnome that Triscuit easily defeats by knocking out. To get the gnome's permission to cross the bridge (if they don't give it Faegan will know they're here and can go into hiding) Triscuit dangles him over the bridge and forces him to give them permission to cross.

When Shannon asks Triscuit if the Prince would really have killed him, Triscuit says it depends, but in his heart he knew he could have never killed one so small. Because size really matters when it comes to things being deadly or not. As they're getting ready to leave Shannon APOLOGIZES for biting Triscuit in the leg, saying that he didn't know what else to do. He's APOLOGIZING for doing his job. Yes. He's the guardian of the bridge and he's APOLOGIZING for guarding the bridge.

Think about that one for a while.

Have you picked up your brains from the floor? Mopped up everything? Shannon wants to come with Triscuit and Earwig to take them to Faegan. Who I would refer to as Fagot, but that's just in bad taste. Right. So they let him come with. As they ride they discover a massacre of gnomes. Lots of dead gnomes all over the place. Shannon wished to by pass it, but Triscuit ignored him. Then they don't get why Shannon doesn't want to talk about it.

I feel stupider now.

February 2016

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