kippurbird: (Clue By Oar)
More harping on the character stuff. Another comment/response:

Which ironically kind of dovetails with the original question, because the time that I actually felt like my characters were acting independently of me, it turned out I was doing some really bad roleplaying and needed to take a break.
I imagine this is so because he felt like he didn't have control of his characters reactions. Which really, is a good thing. Because if they're acting independently it means that they're fully functional "people". And so what if you don't have "control".

[Poll #1089963]

*so totally didn't write an essay about the sexuality in DaVinci Code*

Speaking of which, I felt I needed to better summarize the ending of the Code better than "I want a grilled cheese sandwich" which while very true isn't actually... good in the analyzing sense. But it was late and I was tired and hungry.

First of all, the ending was extremely pat. The bad guys got their 'due' other than that nothing bad happened. Everything was tied up neatly.

Silas died (finally) and he was the guy who went around shooting people so it "fits" that he dies of gun shot wounds. This is Brown being ironic. I think it would have been more satisfying if Silas had been arrested and taken back to prison which is his own personal hell. He had tried so hard to redeem himself and instead became the demon instead of the angel. That would have also been more dramatic as Silas realizes what he has done and what the consequences are.

We also see what happens to the Cell Phone Bishop, who lives and will live happily ever after. CPB didn't do anything evil and instead was merely misguided (but then again he had absolutely nothing to do with the plot having never interacted with any other character) so he was injured but is allowed to redeem himself by being healed.

Teabag on the other hand is being muzzled and labeled as a mad man. He was the one however who tried to reveal the truth but now anything he says will be considered ravings of a loony. This too is Ironic. And he gets his Just Reward.

Our incompetent Police chief who was merely misled is given a second chance. Instead of taking the fall for trying to convict the wrong man on a high profile case, his reputation is save and he is allowed to continue on as before with the assurances that as long as he doesn't run into another Brown Hero he is an excellent police man.

Finally Sophie was allowed to regain her family. She thought she had lost her grandmother and brother but instead found them. There she was able to learn about her family secret and was granted the chance to continue her grandfather's legacy as the Holy Grail. All the bad things in her past with her grandfather have been washed away so that she can begin anew.

As for Langdon is free, he has found the Holy Grail and can now go on to the next adventure that awaits him where he'll probably not have sex with the next woman he meets.
kippurbird: (:D)
Actually, now that I look at it, it seems like they're calling me an idiot. *shrugs* You can't reply but you can look and see if I'm crazy. Yeeesh.

Meanwhile, Silas and Cell Phone Bishop are not dead. I'm sad.

Chapter 100 presented to you in LOLCAT for your amusement.

Bishop: OhMGAWD U R hurt!
Silas: OhMGAWDS I be hurtin u I be horrible person!
Bishop: I be forgiving you. It be my fault.
Bishop: I be flashing back now, k'thanks.


Other people we don't care about: U BE SCREWED!
Bishop: OH NOES!
Stuff about Opus Dei we don't care about.
OPWDCA: We give you money k? Go away now.
Bishop: U be byin' me off?
OPWDCA: yes.
Bishop: STFU
Teacher: I Wants you.
Bishop: Yay?

*End Flashback

Silas: *goes to hospital* PORK PORK PORK!*
Bishop: U Must be prayin now.
Me: Why you not be dead yet? pleaz be with the dyin now kthanks.

Teh End.

And we're back to Langdon. He has the Cryptex. He has Teabag pointing a gun at him. What is he going to do?! He decides not to answer Teabag's demands. Instead he walks into the middle of the room. Teabag doesn't shoot him. (But we already knew that Teabag doesn't follow the good sense of the Evil Overlord's List) As he does so, Langdon thinks that Teabag wants him to hold the cryptex so that he can weigh the enormity of his decision. If I was Langdon I would have taken the cryptex and run. Because he's being held at gun point by a gimp. A gimp who will not shoot either of them. Instead Langdon thinks that the only way to get out of this is to solve the cryptex puzzle.

He thinks a lot and hurts his head. He looks out in the garden and I get sick.

Gazing out at the rustling trees of College Garden, Langdon sensed her [the goddess] playful presence. The signs were everywhere. Like a taunting silhouette emerging from the fog, the branches of Britain's oldest apple tree burgeoned with five petal blossoms, all glistening like Venus. The goddess was in the garden now. She was dancing in the rain, singing songs of the ages, peeking out from behind the bud-filled branches as if to remind Langdon that the fruit of knowledge was growing just beyond his reach.

Hey look, it's a Paolini moment. Yes. Let's completely stop the story and contemplate the scenery, because I know that's what I would do in that situation, instead of trying to you know... figure a way out? But that'd be silly.

Teabag meanwhile reminisces about how Brilliant He Is. No really. Sophie meanwhile does the typical HE won't open it for you you foul fiend you! No. Really. And then Langdon is all, I'll open it for you.

Sophie: U Be betraying me! NOES!
Langdon: U Be letting her go kthanks.
Teabag: U be giving me the key now.
Three of them: No U BE LISTNING TO ME!!
Langdon: I BE SAVIN U!
Langdon and Teabag: NOES!!
Teabag: K.
Langdon: NOES!! I Be SMASHING RING THINGY if u due.
Teabag: U be bluffin. U BE LYIN!
Langdon: Damn. Save The GRAIL SAVE THE world GIRL! I be givin u the RING THINGY now.
Teabag: Yay! =D
Langdon: I be lyin! *throws RING THINGY * Bai now!
Teabag: NOOOEESSSS!! *shoots randomly* *tries to capture RING THINGY* NOOEESS IT BE BROKEN!! CURSE YOU AND YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!! o wait... it be opened? *GASP* It be spell APPLE!

... I should probably stop now...

*wanders off and takes anti-manic meds*

*comes back*

Right so meanwhile Langdon and Sophie do NOT skedaddle now that Teabag is helpless without a gun on the ground. Instead Langdon taunts Teabag, by telling him that it was apple because it was an apple that caused the goddess to fall from grace and Newton had an apple fall on his head which should have been on his tomb. Bahdumb chink. *listens to the crickets* And then Langdon shows Teabag that he has the map.

And then enter Fache! Remember him? The police chief? Right. He's there. Snorting like a bull. There is lots of bull imagery here. I shan't bore you with it. Sophie wonders how they were found and Fache says that Teabag showed his id to the guards. Meanwhile Teabag is screaming about how the holy grail is in Langdon's pocket, which probably doesn't mean a damn thing to the police nor do they care. They just cart him off.

Um... meanwhile... Silas, who apparently has a lot of bullet holes in him and managed to carry the cell phone bishop to the hospital without much problem nor stay to get treated dies after going to a garden somewhere... um... ooookay now. Um... Right. I liked the death scene in the movie better. They didn't waste time going around not dying in the movie.

Teabag gets carted off and Fache is like he's nuts. Meanwhile Cell Phone Bishop survives! GASP! But is sad that Silas is dead. Fache gives Bishop money. Bishop says give it to the families of those Silas killed. Bobo meanwhile protects Fache's ass. But not with Lube. >.> SHUT UP I'M ALMOST DONE LET ME HAVE MY MOMENTS!!!

And then we go to Rosslyn Chapel in Scotland and there is shit about pagan symbols and on the rose line and shit. Langdon with Sophie go to said chapel. Blah, blah, they look around. I'm skimming. There's a lot of symbols in the chapel. Jewish Stars and masonic seals and crucifixes and masonic seals and shit. There's a star of David on the ground and Langdon is all like is secret symbol of stargazing priests and later adopted by Israelite kings.

Sophie is all I've been here before. Blah, blah, more coding stuff. Flashback with Sophie. Blah. Docent is all I've seen that box you carry before. And Docent's parents died in a car accident with grandpa and my sister. GASP this is Sophie's brother She has family and grandmother! *GASP* And she goes and remeets her grandmother and is happy. Yay. And Sophie is the holy grail. Yay. blah, I'm bored now. Langdon and Sophie kiss and promise to meet up again.


And then Langdon realizes that the Grail's Body is hidden under the Lourve.

The end.

I'd summarize... but I want my grilled cheese sandwich. So, discuss amongst yourselves.


*Cookies for those who can guess where that's from.
kippurbird: (Nugan)
Today's strange fact: There's a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in our fridge that my dad brought to the marriage. They'll have been married thirty three years on the twenty third.

Page 403 of 459 with big pictures! We're in the home stretch!

Sophie and Langdon finally get to Newton's tomb... with Orbs. And winged naked boys, and "an enormous orb". Large fleshy orbs. Well maybe not that. But still. Yammering about celestial bodies and Venus and yes. Blah, blah. \~/

And then they noticed that someone put some graffiti on Newton's tomb in pencil. Barely visible. Which makes me wonder... what if they didn't see it? I mean, that's taking a very big risk. Anyway it says, "I have Teabag. Go through Chapter House, out south exit, to public garden." Grammar killing me, must shoot, random people. Forced to talk, like Shatner,help, trapped in fortune cookie, factory can't get out. \~/

Sap... I almost wrote Saphira here. Which is interesting, because Sophie appears to have about the same roll in the Code as Saphira does in Eragon. Something to think about. Useless female sidekicks? ANYway, Sophie and Langdon discuss whether or not this could be a trap and stuff. And they decide to go and do it. Blah blah blah, they go to the Chapter House. \~/ \~/ \~/

There is lots of description. I skip over it. \~/

Finally they get to thingy and in there they see...\~/

Wait for it. \~/

Continue waiting for it. \~/

Keep on going...\~/

Teabing. With a gun pointed at them. \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

*GASP* \~/

*guzzles bottle*


Heeee... *giggles*

*passes out*

*returns to waking with a massive hangover*


Now we get the Villain's Monologue ©. \~/

No Really. Three pages of it. \~/

First he tells us that he had been trying to keep them out of harms way, but their persistence has put them in danger. That he had no intention of them being involved and that this all their fault because they came to him for help. Also, if he wanted to hurt them, they'd be dead by now.

He continues saying that he's a deeply honorable man and would only sacrifice people who were betrayed the holy grail. He discovered a horrible truth; the priory wasn't going to release the documents at the End of Days. Grandpa didn't do it because he felt that the time wasn't right. It wasn't the End of Days. He says that he killed Grandpa and the others because they betrayed the grail.

Some gobbilty gook about the church being evil and making grandpa sell out. And that he wanted to tell Sophie the truth about her family. The deaths of her mom, dad, grandma and brother were not accidental. The Church killed them to keep Grandpa silent. His proof of all this is that the new millennium has arrived and the word hasn't come out. Since Teabag felt that Grandpa had betrayed the grail, he had been dead a long time ago and thus he didn't kill grandpa. And that now grandpa is free of his pane and shame.

Now they're free to fulfill their destiny of releasing the news of the holy grail to the world.

Now, look at this. First of all, we have no idea how Teabag got from out of the back seat of the car since Remy clearly didn't know he was the Teacher. And Teabag was clearly at the park before Remy got there and clearly tied up before hand. Then, who put him in charge of deciding what is the right thing for the Priory to do? Is he apart of it? No. But he's some... nitwit who's obsessed to freakish levels with it. I mean obviously psychotic levels of it. And how does he know when it's the End of Times? Does he have a calendar? I mean really, aren't there supposed to be signs for the End Of Times? \~/ \~/

I think he's been reading too much Jack Chick. \~/

Deep breath. Breath. I can breath.

Langdon has an intelligent thought. Get out of there.

Teabag gives them the Keystone back as a token of trust.

He then uses the fact that Landon and Sophie randomly came to his house with the Keystone is proof that his cause is just. I have no idea how that one works. \~/ \~/ \~/

Apparently Remy Did know that Teabag was the Teacher. Which COMPLETELY contradicts something Remy thought earlier, where he thought that it would be great to get away from Teabag. And then he poisoned Remy.

Finally He says,

"Listen. Can you hear it? The Grail is speaking to us across centuries. She is begging to be saved from the Priory's folly. I implore you both to recognize this opportunity. There could not possibly be three more capable people assembled at this moment to break the final code and open the cryptex." Teabag paused, his eyes alight. "We need to swear an oath together. A pledge of faith to one another. A knight's allegiance to uncover the truth and make it known."

My... I'm just... trying to find the words to describe the utter words of lacking here that... just can't describe my feeling here. There. Are. No. Words. Just. No. Words.

*guzzles another bottle*


*scurries off somewhere to hide*

Drinks: 23 and two bottles
kippurbird: (._.; ... Yeah..)
Strange but true: While manic I have the desire to rearrange furniture.

Now then back to our semi-regular dose of Da Vinci Code.

We follow the spine tingling nail biting action of Langdon and Sophie staring at the computer screen as possible texts pop up. It's so exciting that I can't bare to read them and have to skip completely over them and get to the boring part. They find the solution to the Limerick. \~/

It's Sir Issac Newton who is the knight and Alexander POPE who is the person.

Hah. It is to laugh. Brown has made a pun. Isn't he so hilarious. He is to writing humor as Paolini is writing romance. \~/

I shall pound this in even further for your misery.

In London lies a knight A. Pope interred. \~/

And then he says, "Jacques Sauniere, the master of the double entendres, had proven once again he was a frighteningly clever man." \~/\~/\~/

AhHaha... I'm going to die from the funny... my sides hurt from the funny. \~/

And back to Silas. Who wakes up. Oh joy. Him again. His spider-sense is tingling. And he thinks thats something is Wrong. SOMEhow he is right. \~/ The cops show up. Because Silas is an innocent man of God he attacks the police officers. Yup. Because that's what you do when you want to throw suspicion off yourself. Yup.

He runs down the stairs and goes through women's entrance... because every Opus Dei has one. \~/ You know, I just thought of something. Brown is making Opus Dei seem horrible and sexist which automatically makes them evil. Meanwhile since the Priory of Sion worships women and the Feminine Mystic they're automatically good. Of course. \~/ \~/ Anyway, Silas goes through the previously mentioned women's entrance and gets outside. Did I mention that he's only in his undies when he's doing this? Yes.

There's shooting and stuff and then Cell Phone bishop dies. \~/

Does anyone realize that the Cell Phone bishop is the most useless character in this book? He never interacted with any of the characters and he spent his entire time traveling. He could have been completely cut from the book and NOTHING would have changed. Any information he gave us could have been given to us by someone else. He was utterly pointless. \~/ \~/\~/\~/ GAAAHHH

I think Silas dies also. But at this point I don't care.

And they're at Westminster Abby. Langdon and Sophie that is, though it takes us three pages to discover that it's them. The leader in our writing group says that when you begin a chapter you need to have a character in a setting with a problem. Describing Westminster Abby is not a character in a setting with a problem. It's a setting. Which is dull. They go look at stuff. It's also dull. They go to find a Docent to find the Tomb. \~/

Then we go to the Teacher who some how has also found out what the Limerick meant. There is much mention of orbs. Countless orbs. He has the cryptex. And orbs. And then he sees Langdon and Sophie. And has an Idea. Oh NOES> \~/

I quit for tonight.

Drinks 17
kippurbird: (Ducky drama!)
Da Vinci Code Manic style. I'm hoping to finish the book by the fifteenth. Cause that's when it's due back at the library and I don't really feel like checking it out again. Though I suppose I could renew it.

We are back with Bobo and Teabag's estate. To be more precise in Teabag's barn loft. There we learn that they have an eavesdropping system and that whoever is there has been collecting information for over a year now. There are five people on the list that are bugged.

Colbert Sostaque - Chairman of the Conseil Constitutionnel
Jean Chaffee - Curator, Musee du Jeu de Paume
Edouard Desrochers - Senior archivist, Mittarrand Library
Jacques Sauniere - Curator, Musee du Louvre
Michel Brenton - Head of DAS (French Intelligence)

The agent finds that number four is of obvious concern. However I would think that the fact that someone was spying on the head of the DAS which is part of French Intelligence would be of more concern, especially since he's dead now. I mean Michel is a bit more important than some curator of a museum. Also number one, Colbert is the head of the thingy that makes sure that the constitution is up held. Very important that. Plus there's no indication in the list who is more important that the others. Again, I would think that Colbert and Michel are more important that Jacques, especially since they were all killed on the same night. But that's just me, but why should logic get in the way of the All Consuming Story?!

Apparently they -Teabag or Remy - bugged Jacques office in the Louvre. The question I have, is what is the likelihood that he would be discussing secret Priory secrets in his office at work? But then again, if they hadn't then Bobo wouldn't realize that his entire conversation at the Louvre had been recorded, but I'm not sure what the importance of that is. Oh, wait never mind. That's how the Teacher knew how to tell Silas to go after Langdon and Sophie. What I want to know is how did they get into Jacques' office to bug it.

Back to Silas. He's waiting for Remy to finish tying up Teabag with some rope that happened to be in the trunk of the car. No. Really. "His hands felt damp on the keystone as he waited for Remy to finish tying and gagging Teabing in back with the rope they had found in the trunk." There are no words to describe my hatred of that sentence. So, SOMEHOW they were lucky enough to have rope in the trunk of a Jaguar limousine. Yes. Perfectly plausible. After all, why you never know when you might need to tie some random person up. Yup. Perfectly logical.

*shoots Brown*

And Remy and Silas drive off. And then the Teacher calls. He's happy to hear that Silas is still alive. Yay. And then the Teacher says that he wants Silas to come to him. Strangely, my mind turned that sentence (the one I just wrote) as dirty. Obviously, I need a sex life. But actually he wants Remy to bring it to him. Silas is sad. =( But it turns out the Teacher wants Remy to deliver the keystone so that he may be Dealt With. Silas is not happy about this, because he feels that Remy did what he had to do. Actually, this is one point where I actually feel connected to Silas. He really doesn't want to hurt Remy because he doesn't think the man did anything wrong and was just trying to do the job the Teacher set out for him to do and now he's going to get punished for it.

The Teacher then talks to Remy and tells him to drop Silas off at the Opus Dei Hostel and go somewhere else where they can talk.

Meanwhile, Langdon and Sophie go to the library to get help with some information on finding the knight's tomb. To be specific they go to King's College (which we are told had been established by King George IV in 1829). They want to use the Databases there because the King's College Research Institute in Systematic Theology scanned in a lot of documents dealing with the Vatican and religion and all sorts of fun stuff like that. They do a search. I feel like I'm wondering why the didn't use Google. She says it'll take about fifteen minutes to do the complete search. When they give the Librarian the full limerick, she sees "Rosy Flesh and Seeded Womb" And automatically thinks about the Holy Grail. If every one knows about this, then why is it such a big deal if it comes out? She says it'll take about fifteen minutes to do the complete search.

I'm just saying.

I also think Google would have been faster. But that's just me.

So, while they wait, they have tea.

Meanwhile, Silas gets dropped off at the Opus Dei place, prays in his underwear and has some tea and bread before going to sleep. Awwww... And then the guy answering the phones gets a call from the cops saying they're after Silas and keep him where he is. They're sending cops over as they speak.

And then we go back to Remy. I'm beginning to feel like Brown suffers from ADHD because he can't stay with any one character more than a few pages, unless he's pontificating on something. Actually, we go to the Teacher. Who thinks about pelicans. I dunno why, except it gives Brown another reason to stick in random information about how the original ones were a gift to Charles II from the Russian ambassador. Do you care? No? Neither do I. Remy pulls up to the Teacher who is handed the keystone. The teacher asks about the gun and if it was wiped down and replaced in the glove box. Which it was.

They then have a drink of Cognac. \~/ which tastes salty. Somehow... the cognac, which the Teacher had been drinking from previously... has become poisoned. I'm not really sure how that one works. And... Brown doesn't explain it.

As the Teacher approached the front passenger door of the parked limousine, Remy leaned across and opened the door. The teacher paused outside, taking a pull from the flask of cognac he was carrying. Then, dabbing at his mouth, he slid in besides Remy and closed the door.


"Excellent." The Teacher took another drink of cognac and handed the flask to Remy. "Let's toast our success. The end is near."

Remy accepted the bottle gratefully. The cognac tasted salty, but Remy didn't care. He and the Teacher were truly partners now.

... The swelling in Remy's throat came on like an earthquake, and he lurched against the steering column, grabbing his throat and tasting vomit in his narrowing trachea. He let out a muted croak of a scream, not even loud enough to be heard outside the car. The saltiness of the cognac now registered.

I'm being murdered!

And then the teacher gets in the car and drives off. We never learn how the Teacher accomplishes this. He doesn't even think about it. Instead he's worried about dealing with Langdon and Sophie.

And then we flash over to Cell Phone Bishop who gets in a police car. He hears on the police chatter the address of the Opus Dei centre and demands to be taken there are once! *GASP!*

I think I'm gonna stop now, before it gets too long to read and ruins the friends lists.
kippurbird: (paint drying)
So after molesting scaring the altar boy, Silas grabs Sophie point his "gun" at her. Everyone is surprised as he how he got out of the car being tied up. He demands the keystone. Langdon says that he'll give it to Silas if he lets Sophie and Teabag go. They then have this strange exchange:

"I disagree." Langdon raised the cryptex high over his head. "I will not hesitiate to smash this on the floor and break the vial inside."

Although Silas sneered outwardly at the threat he felt a flash of fear. This was unexpected. He aimed the gun at Langdon's head and kept his voice as steady as his hand. "You would never break the keystone. You want to find the Grail as much as I do."

"You're wrong. You want it much more. You've proven you're willing to kill for it."

Generally, in these stories, the Hero isn't supposed to admit that he doesn't want the prize as much as the villain does. Usually he's supposed to want it more. He's supposed to declare that he wants it more and he'll do whatever it takes to keep it away from Silas. I mean, if the main character doesn't care about the prize as much as the villain does, especially in a high stakes game such as Brown has presented to us. Better Langdon should have said, "You may have killed for it, but I want it more." Or something similar.

We flash to Remy who's panicking, he wants to do something but has to stay away. Apparently the teacher contacted him and offered him everything he ever dreamed of. He also, alone, knows the Teacher's true identity. This is important to remember. Remy then goes and points a gun at Teabag's head. Teabag is surprised at this sudden but inevitable betrayal and curses. Eventually, Langdon gives Silas the cryptex and Silas, Teabag and Remy leave. Because Teabag might be useful. Sophie asks who Remy is working for, and he says that she'd be surprised.

And back to Teabag's place. One of Bobo's men discovers a hightech spy center in the barn's loft. Why this must be where Remy was doing his work! We also learn that Remy has a Past. He was a petty criminal. The person who the Barn Swallow was spying on is a Big Surprise. Probably a porn star. Old dudes bugging porn stars. Ew.

We're doing a lot of scene jumping now. Lots of short chapters. Langdon and Sophie are running through the subway. Sohpie calls up the police to report the kidnapping. She gives her name. And they give her Fache. He tells them that he made a mistake, all the charges have been dropped and they need to come because they're in danger. She hears clicking noises and thinks that they must be tracing the call so she hangs up and gets on the train. Then Back to Fache who has the Cryptex box and the white Cryptex. He talks to the banker and promises him that he'll keep his word.

I'm on page 374 and I STILL don't know what's happening. What's the plot, what's the point of the story. I still don't care about any of the characters. And I feel stupider just from having read it. Less than a hundred pages to go, with large pictures. *sighs*

Right now it feels like he's not even trying for coherency and just trying to make the plot starting to end as we try and reach some sort of climax.
kippurbird: (Feanor Hates You)
Hey, look! It's the Da Vinci Code! Remember that? I finally got things settled down to pick it up again.



They are at the Templar's church, which is round, because it's pagan. Of course. Then I get a horrible image. "The threesome wound through a maze of buildings..." I did NOT need to imagine the three of them having sex thank you very much. I would have rather he have said, "The three of them wound through a maze of buildings..."

Moving on, they connive their way into the church. They pretend they're the descendants of the biggest donor of the church (whose been dead a Very Long Time)and they need to disperse the big donors ashes in the sanctuary. The altar boy believes them, reluctantly. Instead of just not letting them in. Even though he's been there for several years and he's never heard of such a tradition. He doesn't even think about calling the priest to double check it.

Get into the church, Teabag talking about how clever he was. They look around blah, blah, and we cut to Remy in the alley.

There's a bad POV shift. From Remy to Silas. Remy cuts Silas free. And Remy knows Silas's name. He wanted to free Silas earlier and he works for the Teacher. *GASP* Remy works for Teabag! Teabag must be the Teacher! Oh NOES! Langdon and Sophie are in trouble!! However, Brown tries to blindside us by making it seem like Remy is just spying for the Teacher.

And we cut to Fache (the police chief) who interrogates the pilot of Teabag's plane and actually gets information from him, as opposed to the British police who was utterly incompetent and allowed them to get away. The pilot mentions that they put a box in the safe. Fache wants them to open the safe. He then calls up Cell Phone Bishop and tells them that they're still looking for Silas. Fache says that the Bishop isn't the only one on the verge of losing everything. Dun Dun DUUUUH!!

Back at the church, they go looking around at the different knight tombs. Lots of round orbs. Lots of fleshy orbs. *coughs* No, sorry. Sophie wonders if Grandpa's sex ceremony was performed in the church. (Would there have been upside down crosses... oh wait that's Satanism... my bad) She makes it to the final tomb and notices that there is something different about it than the others. They talk about how this tenth tomb is funny because there's no body. I mean sculpture of a body.

Altar boy shows up and tells them that they're effigies not tombs and Teabag is SHOCKED! SHOCKED ! I tell you to learn this. Which is an utter fallacy on Brown's part. Teabag is supposed to be one of the leading authorities on the Templars and Priory of Scion and yet he doesn't know that there aren't any real bodies under the stone knights, something that had been discovered in 1950. Something, that Teabag should have known since it was discovered so long ago. This feels like a plot hole. But I imagine it's more like Brown wanted to show off what he knew about the church and talk about how they're pagan. Like everything else.

Altar boy wanders off and gets a gun in his forehead in his head and a hot feeling in his groin. The actual sentence is "The altar boy felt his groin grow hot and realized he had wet himself." Now having discussed this with [ profile] dergerm he says that yes, this does happen. However I'm imagining another sort of um... wetting going on here, especially from the phrasing. Once again, Dan is a master of the probably unintentional sexual phrasing. At least I hope it's unintentional. Because otherwise Dan's showing an unhealthy fixation with altar boys. And other fetishes.

And now I'm going to NaNo.
kippurbird: (._.; ... Yeah..)
Apparently we do have the Da Vinci Code at work. But it's in Russian. We also have Angels and Demons. But again, it's in Russian.

When we last left our "intrepid" heroes they were flying on Teabag's personal jet to England. They're just reaching the airport and Teabag pulls out documentation for the four of them (including Remy). Langdon and Sophie's documentation consists of a thick stack of fifty pound notes. Remy is going to stay on board to guard Silas. According to Teabag the reason why he took Silas is because he doesn't trust the French police to prosecute properly.

In a brilliant move by the police, they have the control tower call up the plane and say that they need to land near the terminal because of a gas leak near their hanger and that they should stay on board until they're sure it's safe. This makes Teabag suspicious. What they SHOULD have done is allowed the plane to land normally have the three of them disembark and THEN surround them and arrest them. Because it's kinda hard to flee when you have a guy wandering around in braces in your party. \~/

But if they didn't do that, then Teabag couldn't convince his pilot to go into the hanger, giving them time to formulate a plan to outwit the police. What happens is that when the jet turns around the door pops open and Silas, Langdon and Sophie pop out and hide in the limo while Teabag distracts the police. \~/ When the police search the plane they find, of course, no one but the pilot. Who looks frightened. Which would make, at least to me, if I were the police, a bit suspicious. AND then they let them go. Without questioning the pilot, who is very obviously nervous and likely to mess up. Of course, without stupid police, then there wouldn't be a story. Or at least there would be a very different story.\~/ \~/

In the limo they take another look at the dirty limerick. Which we finally see in it's full form.

In London lies a knight a Pope interred.
His labor's fruit a Holy wrath incurred.
You seek the orb that ought be on his tomb.
It speaks of Rosy flesh and seeded womb.

And now I'm thinking about a menstruating man. Don't ask me why, but I am. Langdon thinks the Rosy flesh and seeded womb refers to Mary Magdalene. But the last time I checked she wasn't a man. Okay, I know, I'm deliberately confusing the issue. But ass babies would be far more entertaining right now. \~/

Teabag believes the knight spoken of in the poem is the Temple Church that the Knights Templar built. Which is, of course, filled with pagan symbolisms. \~/ The church is round which is clearly a reference to the sun. However, Wikipedia says that the church is based on the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. Of course, Teabag would just say that the Church in Jerusalem is based on pagan symbols, so you can't really win either way, now can you? \~/

There's a very bizzare image as Teabag talks about the church. "His eyebrows did a devilish dance". I'm not really sure how eyebrows dance, much less devilishly. Perhaps they move around his face and cackle evilly? Or they're shaped like dancing devils with little pitchforks and tails? That's taking the whole Paganism thing a bit too far, I think. \~/

Sophie and Langdon then share a moment. Sophie tells him that she's glad he's here and "The comment sounded more pragmatic than romantic, and yet Langdon felt an unexpected flicker of attraction between them." Because, you know, Autism is a lot like Dafur. \~/ She continues to tell him how she couldn't have done anything without him and that she's glad that she listened to her grandfather for once and found him. Because she's a helpless female who can't do anything without a man, which is why they the biggest supporters of the sacred feminine are all men and you don't seem to see any women who are apart of it. Now that I think about it, there doesn't seem to be ANY women who are involved in this secret. They're all men. Not one single famous woman has made it onto this list of famous people involved in the Priory. I guess they know what a bunch of crock it all is. Actually, no, the whole "Holy Grail" thing is really just some sort of fetish. Yes. A fetish.

Langdon then bashes religion some. \~/ He talks about how all religions are based on fabrications. And how they shouldn't give proof to the world that their beliefs might not be right even if it's a false reality... or... something like that.


I think that's enough for now.

Drinks: Ten.
kippurbird: (lightsaber)

I feel like I'm reading a train wreck. I've completely given up trying to figure out where this story is going to go. Because it's not going to make any sense where it ends up. And least I didn't have this problem with Eragon.

Moving on. There's a brief scene where Cell Phone Bishop gets a phone call on the private plane he's taking to Paris. It's from Fache. Apparently, for some reason, Fache is talking to Bishop about the location of Langdon... I don't know WHY he would do that... I mean... how does anyone know this Bishop is even involved in the cases? It's just so completely random. But Brown apparently needs Bishop to go to London... so... for no reason in particular Fache has contacted Bishop and is telling him about what is happening... yesss... \~/\~/ So, Bishop goes to the pilot and says we need to go to London all the while thinking that every thing's going to pot. Pilot says he can't. Bishop gives him a diamond ring and they can.

And now we go back to having sex. I mean discussing what the poem might mean. But really the conversation just degrades into sex talk again. This time Langdon has another epiphany about what the headstone is. \~/ He gets this by thinking, "A headstone praised by the Templars" and looking out the window. I get some of my best ideas that way... the whole staring out the window bit, but they don't let me make the leaps of logic that Langdon does. Perhaps he's just that special.

Oh dear lord... I just used, "He's just that special" for the first time in this book. |~~|

*goes off and gets more drinking stuff*

So, why did you kill Dan Brown?

Sex rite.

That must be some strange sex rite.

You have no idea.


So, back to sex I mean... No. See, the Headstone... which now that I think about it just took on a whole new sort of meaning... is in reference to the pagan god Baphomet that the Templar's worshiped. He's a horned god if you know what I mean. Right. So, after that enlightenment and the usual Church Oppresses Sex bit \~/ they discover that well, Baphomet has eight letters and there are only room for five on the cryptex.

How do they solve this then? Well, first they have to translate Baphomet into it's Hebrew equivalent.

The Hebrew alef-beit that they use is this:

A B C D H V Z Ch T Y K L M N S O P Tz Q R Sh Th. Which stands for Alef, Beit, Gimmel, Dalet, Hei, Vav, Zayin, Chet, Tet, Yud, Kaf, Lamed, Mem, Nun, Samech, Ayin, Peit, Tzadik, Kuf, Reish, Shin, Tav.

All right. Then he says that in formal Hebrew spelling the vowel sounds aren't written. Well yes. They're the little dots and dashes that are under the letters. The "Nekkudot" that was referenced back in chapter 71 when they were trying to make heads or tails of the backwards English. Therefor all the letters above are in fact not vowels. Because they don't look like little dashes and dots.

However he says that by taking out the "a" "o" and "e" in Bapvometh you get five letters. Because clearly the names will transfer accordingly in each language. Never mind the fact that the "aleph" is in fact a silent letter and not a vowel and that the ayin doesn't make an "o" sound.

And it gets worse. They use the Atbash cypher to turn BPVMTh into ShVPYA which turns into SVFYA in Sofya or Sophia! Which means Word of Wisdom in Greek. Or to spell it correctly "Sofia".

Well that was fun. God forbid they had to try and make an actual Hebrew word out of ShVPYA. The Hebrew word for wisdom by the way is HaCham. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Long story short. They open up the cryptex and find... another cryptex. This one black. As Langdon notes: "Sauniere's passion for dualism. Two cryptexes Everything in pairs. Double entendres. Male female. Black nested within white. Langdon felt the web of symbolism stretching onward.

Every man sprang from woman.
White - female
Black - male.

Kippur - drunk \~/

Apparently there's another four lined iambic pentameter verse wrapped around the black cryptex. We get the first line "In London lies a knight a pope interred." Obviously this requires me to finish the poem.

In London lies a knight a pope interred
For of his sex life it was heard
When seeing his cock they would pray
To Jesus Christ: thank you, it is my lucky day.


Teabag says that he doesn't know who the knight is, but he knows where to look. Meanwhile six police cars are heading to the airport.

Bobo is hanging out at Teabag's place while the CSI folks look for clues. Brown takes this moment to throw us some more pagan symbolism hidden in the church. This time the hollow nave of a church is really a tribute to a woman's womb and that a cathedral's entrance represents a woman's vagina. \~/ They also find a list of Priory Grand Masters. Names that I recognize include Nicolas Flamel, Da Vinci, Robert Boyle, Issac Newton, Victor Hugo, Claude Debussy.

Then he gets a phone call from the Banke Andre. Andre wants to have phone sex talk to Fache but when he gets Bobo he hangs up because he doesn't want to talk to the officer he lied to. So, Bobo gets Interpool to get him everything they can on the bank and the banker. \~/

And that's it for now.

Drinks: 18
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
I'm on page three thirteen of four hundred and fifty six pages.

Quick! Who can tell me what the plot is? Who is in danger? What will happen if they don't solve the puzzle?

Because I don't know the answers to those questions.

Now that we have that so rightly established lets move on. Chapter seventy seven has Fache discover that Teabag is on his way to England and that he's going to follow. He has one of his men contact the local police to surround the plane at the destination airport because he wants to keep it quiet. You have a potential murderer with at least two hostages and you're not going to call in the big guns on foreign soil and instead call the people who might not know how to deal with it because.... you want them to get away? I'm not following this. Why isn't the SWAT team or equivalent being called in? This is Fache being the idiot policeman again so that the "Heroes" can get away. \~/

While Fache is being a nitwit Langdon and Sophie talk on the plane. Langdon thinks that Grandpa sent him to Sophie so that he could explain why ... she had a rift with her grandfather... no I'm not sure how that works... Why would a perfect stranger know how to heal a rift between two people he's never met before...? \~/

Langdon felt uncertain how to proceed. "The rift between you. The reason you haven't spoken to him in ten years. I think maybe he was hoping I could somehow make that right by explaining what drove you apart."

Sophie squirmed in her seat. "I haven't told you what drove us apart."

Langdon eyed her carefully. "You witnessed a sex rite. Didn't you?"

Of course! Because every fight comes back to sex! Or Sex rites. Yup. That's immediately what I think of when I hear about someone not talking to another person for ten years. Sex. Everything is about sex now a days. Sex. Sex. Sex. Missed your meeting? It was because of a Sex Rite. Cat got run over by a car? Sex rite. Impending apocalypse? Sex rite. Loopy book with so many conflicting conspiracy theories written by a guy who seems to be masturbating over Leonardo DaVinci? Sex rite. \~/ \~/ \~/

Personally if someone said that about me, I'd be thinking "perv" and try to get as far away from him as possible.

But then again, I'm sane.

Sophie on the other hand is amazed that he knows. I would too especially since she never mentioned anything of the sort. Langdon explains how he knows thusly, "Sophie, you told me you witnessed something that convinced you your grandfather was in a secret society. And whatever you saw upset you enough that you haven't spoken to him since. I know a fair amount about secret societies. It doesn't take the brains of Da Vinci to guess what you saw."

What about goats?

I meant sacrifice of goats.

Get your mind out of the gutter people.

That would be equally upsetting to see and has to do with secret societies. Hell lots of things could be upsetting with secret societies that doesn't automatically = sex. World Domination is a good one. Massive amounts of weapons as they plan a coup of the government also fun. Cloning! Or... hundreds of things! It doesn't all lead to sex!

Except if you're Brown. Then every thing leads to sex. \~/

This is what Langdon says Sophie really saw.

Langdon backpedaled. "Well ... yes, in a manner of speaking, but not as we understand it today." He explained that although what she saw probably looked like a sex ritual, Hieros Gamos had nothing to do with eroticism. It was a spiritual act. Historically, intercourse was the act through which male and female experienced God. The ancients believed that the male was spiritually incomplete until he had carnal knowledge of the sacred feminine. Physical union with the female remained the sole means through which man could become spiritually complete and ultimately achieve gnosis - knowledge of the divine. Since the days of Isis, sex rites had been considered man's only bridge from earth to heave. "By communing with woman," Langdon said, "Man could achieve a climactic instant when his mind went totally blank and he could see God."

While vaguely true... the complete and utter assertion that Brown makes here is utterly wrong. \~/ Sex is not the only way to commune with god (and it's interesting to note here that he said God instead of Goddess. I mean I thought all these old time religions worshiped the Goddess and not God) \~/

Blah, blah more sex isn't about sex...but a pathway to God. And then for something COMPLETELY and UTTERLY wrong he says this.

Langdon's Jewish students always looked flabbergasted when he told them that the early Jewish Tradition involved ritualistic sex. In the Temple, no less. Early Jews believed that the Holy of Holies in Solomon's Temple housed not only God but also his powerful Female Equal, Shekinah. Men seeking spiritual wholeness came to the Temple to visit Priestesses or hierodules with whom they would make love and experience the divine through physical union. The Jewish tetragrammation YHWH - the sacred name of God - in fact derived from Jehovah, an androgynous physical union between the masculine Jah and the pre-Hebraic name for Eve, Havah.

Where to begin on this?

1. No women were allowed in the Temple. First or Second. They were certainly not allowed with in the Holy of Holies. Only the Head Priest was allowed there. There was most certainly NOT temple prostitutes. If a man wanted to have sex he would go home to his wife with whom he was obligated to have sex with. \~/ \~/ \~/

2. Ten Commandments: #1 I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. The She'ma: Hear O Israel, the Lord is God the Lord is One. ONE. Not Male and Female counterparts. No Female Equal. Just ONE GOD. You don't even need to know how to count past two for this one. Apparently Brown needed an instruction manual. \~/ \~/

And the Lord Sayeth thou Shalt count to One for the Number of Gods you have. Not Two or Three, but One. And thou shalt not Divide God into two for that would be Two Gods and not One. Those that do this shall be considered naughty in my sight and I shall send great terrors to Smite them.

3. YHWH and Jehovah. YHWH is, from my understanding, a transliteration of the letters "Yud Hey Vav Hey" which really wasn't God's name because they'd never write his name. The letters are a sort of place holder that says, "God's Name Here" and we don't even know how to pronounce it and instead say "Adonai". THIRD Jehovah is the Greek or Roman translation of YHWH so it's not even two Hebrew words put together. \~/ \~/ \~/

Ehhheehh... I think I just finished ANOTHER bottle.

However THIS line is utterly brilliantly ironic. Langdon is talking about Tom Crusie's movie Eyes Wide Shut which apparently involves a sex ritual. "Sadly the filmmakers had gotten most of the specifics wrong, but the basic gist was there - a secret society communing to celebrate the magic of a sexual union."

I leave you to your own comments on that.

Meanwhile, Sophie is awed and ashamed that she had stopped talking to her grandfather over such a thing as him having sex with an unknown woman in front of a large group of people all wearing masks and chanting and generally being very weird. Yup. Utterly understandable. \~/

I'm oversexed... so I'm going to bed.

Drinks: 17
kippurbird: (Feanor Hates You)
Bobo and the police bust into the house. He's fooled into believing that there's someone upstairs by the intercom system. I'm not really sure how that one works. Because apparently they're really in a car. He's a bit slow on the uptake wondering "Where the hell do I hear a car?" \~/ Could it be... I don't know... maybe.. outside? In the garage? Or somewhere else where you keep a car... like the parlor? Bobo runs out to the barn and sees that a car is missing. Teabag has a lot of fancy cars. Ferrari, Rolls-Royce, Aston Martin, Porsche 356... and a mystery car. \~/

Probably one of those clown cars.

No, sorry. It's a Range Rover, Java Black Pearl, four-wheel drive, standard transmission, with high-strength polypropylene lamps, rear light cluster fittings, and the steering wheel on the right. Beyond the fact that I suddenly want to know where Captain Jack Sparrow is, the previous bit of information was utterly unnecessary. \~/

... for some reason they brought Silas along with them. *headdesk*

Why the hell would they bring Silas with them, even if he's trussed up? Isn't that kinda like asking for trouble? I mean he's already killed four people that they know about. And they stuff him in the trunk. Wouldn't it be better to let the police deal with him? You know, get him out of the way so he couldn't ... um... escape? Or something? I'm just saying... \~/ \~/\~/

Apparently, according to Teabag, Silas is Langdon's ticket to freedom... because... um... he knows about Opus Dei... and must be in cahoots with the police... and um... they need to interrogate him. \~/ Right. There's nothing I can do to make that work. Nothing.

Now that we've gotten through that shaky bit of logic they're going to fly off to England by a private jet. It apparently cost Teabag a queen's ransom so ... he named it Elizabeth. \~/
Rather convenient that. The plane that Teabag has. This is what we call plot device. Have your main characters caught and nothing for them to do now? Send them on a plane to flee the police! Want to get pass airport security? Have a special arrangement with a private airfield that lets you come and go with no questions. Yup. Convenient.

And then... Langdon has another epiphany. We don't know what... for what... or what it is... of course. \~/

The epiphany is that Robert's editor sent a copy of his book to Sauniere and that's how Sauniere knew about Langdon. Um.... whoopie? \~/ And really, that's the only point of the chapter.

They take Silas on the plane with them. Again. Why? \~/

There's more blather about what are they going to do with the grail and how the grail finds you for a reason and once you're on the path for the grail there's no turning back. Blah. \~/

Back with the police the Banker changes his story and says that Langdon and Sophie stole something and Fache learns that Teabag has a private plane that just took off.

On the plane they take a look at the script that was found under the potato on the box. There's some blathering about how it might be Semitic... Rashi Script or a Sephardic transliteration. Looking at what is written (it comes with a pretty picture) I can easily say that it's not any form of Hebrew and it looks nothing like Rashi Script (which is just a cursive Hebrew font). If anything it looks like Sidarian. \~/

It turns out that it is, instead, English written backwards. Like Da Vinci used to write. \~/

We get another riddling clue.

An ancient word of wisdom frees this scroll
And helps us keep her scatter'd family whole
a headstone praised by templars is the key
and atbash will reveal the truth to thee.

Then we get the biggest cock and bull stretching of conspiracy theory shit that I've seen so far. And that's saying something considering the Disney bits.

First there's Langdon's ruminations on Iambic Pentameter:

Langdon had come across this meter often over the years while researching secret societies across Europe, including just last year in the Vatican Secret Archives. For centuries, iambic pentameter had been a preferred poetic meter of outspoken literati across the globe, from the ancient Greek writer Archilochus to Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, and Voltaire - bold souls who chose to write their social commentaries in a meter that many of the day believed had mystical properties. The roots of iambic pentameter were deeply pagan.

Iambs. Two syllables with opposite emphasis. Stressed and unstressed. Yin yang. A balanced pair. Arranged in strings of five. Pentameter. Five for the pentacle of Venus and the Sacred feminine

\~/, \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

Iambic pentameter is used because it's easy and it flows well on the ears. It's sort of like 3/4 time which mimics the heart beat as my mom told me. buh Dum bum.

Anyway, that's not the real kicker. This is:

The Priory, like many European secret societies at odds with the Church, had considered English the only European pure language for centuries. Unlike French, Spanish, and Italian, which were rooted in Latin -the tongue of the Vatican - English was linguistically removed from Rome's propaganda machine, and therefore became a sacred secret tongue for those brotherhoods educated enough to learn it

I shall counter that with this quote:

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
-James Nicoll

And then drink some more. \~/ \~/\~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

Damn... there goes another bottle...

They then try to figure out what the poem means, focusing on Atbash. Which is the Atbash cipher. Which is based on the Hebrew alaphbet where you take the first letter Aleph and substitute with the last letter Tav or in English, A replaces Z and so on and so forth. \~/

And that is the great secret which will break the code of that poem and lead them invariably to the next clue.

This is turning out to be like some sort of scavenger hunt not a novel.

Drinks: 27
kippurbird: (River Bible)
Now that we've learned that Disney is part of the whole... plot thingy... of whatever... actually get back to the plot. Or should I say "Plot" as it seems like the entire point of this so called story is to spout crazy conspiracy theories and some how tie in everything and the kitchen sink into this conspiracy.

Teabag accuses Langdon of killing Grandpa... but he's mostly upset because grandpa was a contributer to the arts and now he's dead. Um... yes. \~/ Gambit wants to know if he can show them out, but Langdon and Sophie say oh but we have information about the keystone. And Teabag believes them! Now while this is utterly true, in this case, why would he believe that they know where it is? After all he's been searching for it his entire life and now this so called murderer and chick apparently know where it is? What are the odds? I mean really. (Now it turns out that Teabag has a very good reason for believing them... but that'd be spoiling. Let's just say he's really friendly with Silas). Teabag taunted with the Keystone lets them stay.

Meanwhile Silas is playing peeping Tom. No where are we told how he got passed the security (which I'm assuming there is) and he's seems to be awfully blood thirsty. He doesn't seem to be at all repentant as the text says, "If they did not reveal where they had placed the keystone, Silas would have to enter and persuade them with force". There's no mention of reluctance or anything on his part. He's just going to do it. And yet he takes the time to whack himself silly after every time he does something. And still even then it's like he's going through the motions. Kinda like them people who say they can stop any time. He's addicted to violence he is. \~/

Back in the study. We get a recap of what's been happening and how they figure out why the other three are dead. Sophie says that it was probably done in the same way that they fight organized crime syndicates where they gather information and then strike at the head at the same time. It's boring though. \~/ There's some talk about the end of days. Prophecies. The Priory revealing the secret to the world. Blah, blah, blah. Weren't they running from the cops? \~/

They tell him that they have the keystone and it's hiding under his couch and off they go. Silas then sneaks into the house cause they left the window open.

Outside the police have arrived. Bumh Bumh Buuuum! They're standing around looking like dodos because Fache says they have to wait for him. In the beginning of this chapter they establish that the vehicle that Langdon took is inside the property. "Langdon drove a fair distance to get here, and the vehicle is inside the security gate with no signs of forced entry..." then one of the red shirts finds a car. It's Silas' car. Bobo says, "That must be how Langdon got here."

The question is here, first of all "what vehicle?" How does Bobo know there's a vehicle inside? Especially since he next believes that Silas' vehicle belongs to Langdon. So, why would he believe that there's a vehicle inside that belongs to Langdon when he hasn't seen one? \~/

However, Bobo then has the most intelligent thought in the entire book so far. He realizes that Langdon might be innocent.

Moreover, Collet realized, if Langdon were innocent, it explained one of this case's strangest paradoxes: Why had Sophie Neveu, the granddaughter of the victim, help the alleged killer escape? Unless Sophie knew Langdon was falsely charged. Fache had posited all kinds of explanations tonight to explain Sophie's odd behavior, including that Sophie, as Sauniere's sole heir, had persuaded her secret lover Robert Langdon to kill off Sauniere for the inheritance money. Sauniere, if he had suspected this, might have left the police the message P.S. Find Robert Langdon. Collet was fairly certain something else was going oin here. Sophie Neveu seemed far too solid of character to be mixed up in something that sordid.

The problem is he comes up with the completely WRONG reasons for why he might be innocent. Which is, there isn't a way he could have committed the other three murders if he was standing in front of a large group of people giving a lecture. So, right thought for wrong reasons. \~/

Then we skip to Cell Phone Bishop who's flying to Paris. It's two paragraphs and four sentences. Nothing happens. \~/

And we return to Teabag. We're in his POV he waxes poetically about how he's finally found the keystone and he's finally able to reach his life's dream of finding the grail. He also fondles the box. \~/

Then Langdon notices something about the box. There's a little pin hole which when he stabs a paper clip through causes the potato (formally the rose) to fall out. There he sees a language that looks vaguely semitic but he doesn't recognize it.

Much to my delight he then gets a horrible crushing blow to the head and passes out. This is, so far, my favorite part of the book.

Silas is the man to blame ... or thank for Langdon's nap. There's a brief scuffle which is dull and Teabag manages to knock Silas out. But Silas' gun goes off. Which Bobo hears and he decides to go in.

Back inside Teabag's place, they hear the cops coming ... and decide to run. Why does everyone decide to run? Why can't they say, "Oh look officers, I'm glad you're here we just managed to subdue this intruder who tried to kill us!" Or something. But logic doesn't seem to be the forefront here.

And that's all I have the effort for now.
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
So, last time, Princess Sophie suddenly realized that she might be the Holy Grail because Brown hit us on the head with a ton of foreshadowing. Like Bricks falling from a building onto innocent civilians crushing the life out of them and leaving a bloody splatter on the ground. This is Brown trying to do obvious foreshadowing. Obvious foreshadowing is something they did in Heroes. No, I'm not going to do spoilers. Last season they constantly showed us what was going to happen through the use of Issac's paintings. He painted the future. And we saw these paintings. But what we were left wondering is how the hell are we going to get there? And how are they going to stop the exploding man? We knew the end, but we didn't know the journey. Brown is trying to do that sort of thing with his Holy Grail being a person here, but in this case it doesn't work because, they're not trying to stop an event nor are they trying to find someone. They're not really. They're sort of wandering around blindly following puzzle and puzzle but they have no real "mission". If anything, Sophie should have gotten chills or... remember a bit of something her grandfather said or something inconspicuous instead of PRINCESS SOPHIE!! *GASP*

If anything, Brown should have had Sophie know that she was the Grail or of the Grail line, but not know anything else, like any of the puzzles or clues. And then she would have the personal investment of trying to get it before Silas so that it doesn't lead back to her and kill her. Langdon could still be oblivious, but some sense of urgency and distrust could be kept into the story as Sophie tries to get Langdon to do what she wants, obviously manipulating him to her own ends... whatever they might be.

Also, if you want to see cliff hangers done properly, watch Heroes. Cause DAAAAMMN!

Of course, Brown does something completely and utterly inane to prove that Sophie isn't the Holy Grail. When Teabag leaves she looks at Langdon meaningfully. And Langdon says, "The same thought crossed my mind when I realized that your grandfather was in the Priory, and you said he wanted to tell you a secret about your family. But it's impossible." Langdon paused. (and here we get the ASTOUNDING piece of proof that Sophie is not the Holy Grail) "Sauniere is not a Merovingian name."

Right because I know that if any of the Merovingian's had daughters they would marry them off into the same family and thus let them keep the same name. This entire thing is utterly ridiculous. It's been two thousand years! There should be millions of the little buggers running around by now. There's no way that the Church could have contained all of them, or the Priory. I mean, they've found genetic evidence that about fourty percent of the world's Askenizi Jews are descended from four people. And that's ninth, tenth century? Mary's sprogs had hundreds of years before the Church decided to persecute them there's no way there could only be TWO lines. There should be hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them. Unless they were all interbreeding... or something... that actually might explain something....

Thus having successfully disproved Sophie as the Holy Grail we get to the fact that Disney was a Modern Da Vinci and apparently was also in the Priory.

Most of Disney's hidden messages dealt with religion, pagan myth and stories of the subjugated goddess. It was no mistake that Disney retold tales like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White - all which dealt with the incarceration of the sacred feminine. Nor did one need a background in symbolism to understand that Snow White - a princess who fell from grace after partaking of a poisoned apple - was a clear allusion to the downfall of Eve in the Garden of Eden. Or that Sleeping Beauty's Princess Aurora - code-named "Rose" and hidden deep in the forest to protect her from the clutches of an evil witch - was the grail story for children.

Wrap your mind around that? Let us look at this. Sleeping Beauty is supposed to be a grail story for children. Because it's a hidden message or something. But usually a hidden message only does you any good if you know you're LOOKING for a message. Other wise you would pass it by. That is the point of it being HIDDEN. The children watching the movie wouldn't know it's a grail story because they know absolutely nothing about the fact that the holy grail isn't a cup but instead a woman. Why? Because they've never been told that. You can't go looking for something you didn't know existed.

Unless your an elf. Then you get a free search check if you walk within five feet of a hidden door.

Also Disney made Snow White because he needed money. He was losing money on short films. If you notice none of his other shorts included grail imagery unless you count the red in Micky's shorts. Though I suppose Brown could make the assumption that Minnie was the Grail and Micky the knight searching for her.


Apparently, according to Brown, the Little Mermaid "was a spellbinding tapestry of spiritual symbols so specifically goddess-related that they could not be a coincidence."

Except for the fact, you know, while Disney wanted to make the Little Mermaid he had no hand in the actual production of this version.

Not that really stops Brown from making such assumptions. Or Assertions.

Then Teabag comes back in and says that Robert has been lying to him.

Thus we end another chapter before Kippur runs off to go to work.
kippurbird: (Give a damn?)
Now that Brown has completely confused the issue ALL together. Anyone know what the big secret is anymore? Anyone? Anyone care? No? Okay.

We're back with the Cell Phone Bishop who's calling America to see if he has any messages. Apparently Cell Phone Bishop doesn't have voice mail. The guy does have messages, but apparently the phone number isn't from the Teacher but instead to the Police. The man on the other end says "I am glad I finally reached you. You and I have much to discuss." GASP! c\~/

Meanwhile back to Teabag and friends.

Apparently scores of historians have been trying to tell the truth about the Holy Grail... and yet no one knows about it. Strange, yes? c\~/

He lists off several books. The Templar Revelation. The woman with the Alabaster Jar, the goddess in the Gospels and of course, Holy blood, Holy grail Which this book is based on. Brown is being clever again. This, Teabag, says is the book that put the idea of the holy grail into the mainstream and isn't it neat that he's using it as the final proof that what they're saying is true? I mean if the book that the book is based on says it's true, it must be true! Or... something like that. c\~/

Brown... I mean Teabag then goes on to assert that there's plenty of historical evidence for this and lots of people know about it but the church still managed to cover it up. This is starting to sound like the church is watching Porn. Everyone knows the church is watching porn, but the church keeps on insisting that it's not watching porn. c\~/

Then Sophie notices a rose on a spine of a book.

Teabag says "That is the Priory symbol for the Grail. Mary Magdalene. because her name was forbidden by the Church, Mary Magdalene became secretly known by many pseudonyms - the Chalice, the Holy Grail, and the Rose." He paused. "The Rose has ties to the five-pointed pentacle of Venus and the guiding Compass Rose. By the way the word rose is identical in English, French, German and many other languages."

"Rose," Langdon added, "Is also an anagram of Eros, the Greek god of sexual love."

Right, so, if Mary Magadalene's name was forbidden by the Church, how come she's in the Gospels? c\~/ And how come people know about her? c\~/ (Oh wait it's because everyone knows about it despite the cover up...). Then there's the bit about Rose being identical in English, French and German etc. Now I know that German and English are Germanic languages and French is a Romantic. The fact that the two of them have the same word for rose is probably from cross pollution. And I highly doubt Eros was spelled "E R O S" in Greek. So that makes the anagram completely and utterly useless. c\~/

Then we talk about how the blossoming flower is a symbol for female genitalia. c\~/

Finally we learn that Mary and child where smuggled to Gaul (or France and hidden within a Jewish Community.) There her linage was apparently deeply documented because she came from the line of kings and was considered royalty. Uh-huh. Yeah right. We're not really all that blood line obsessed. If we were, then we'd still have the lines of David etc. And I think we pretty much gave up on the idea of having a king, so we wouldn't really bother to keep up with that. The Jews there, however, were apparently very impressed with the fact that Sarah (that's the baby's name) came from the line of kings. And from what I can figure out Jews weren't even IN Gaul until after the Second Temple was destroyed. So, I don't know what Jewish Community Mary went to. c\~/, c\~/, c\~/

And so they kept a family tree. And Sophie is like, well how can you confirm the authenticity of the family tree. And Teabag returns that you can as much as the bible. Yes, but no one is trying to claim that the bible is authentic ... at least the Old Testament. I can't speak for the New one. But then apparently history is written by the winners and the Priory Documents are the other side of the story. Blah, blah, blah. Holy Grail is a tomb. To kneel at the grail was to kneel at the tomb and not be searching for the Feminine mystique c\~/ c\~/ Blah Christ's line married into a French Royal line which created the line known as the Merovingian blood line.

Right. so, here's the thing. Mary fled to Gaul and had the baby there. Therefor she couldn't have been that pregnant when she left. And it's highly unlikely that she would have told anyone that she was pregnant. So how did other people know? How did the Church know? If she went into hiding before there was a church? There was no reason for her to flee... because the Church wasn't going to come after her... because it didn't exist... and Jesus was just some Jew, you know? In fact the entire idea of Jesus not being divine (according to Brown) didn't even happen until centuries later when the bloodline or even knowledge of it would have been completely lost. So there was no reason for her to hide the child. c\~/ c\~/

Sophie gets a chill as she realizes that there are descendants of Jesus who live on in modern times. She then remembers that her grandfather wanted to talk to her about her family and the truth. And then she remembers the fact that her grandfather called her Princess Sophie...

Could this be foreshadowing I see?

The words hung in the huge space, and Sophie felt and odd vibration, as if her bones were reverberating with some new kind of truth. Descendants of Jesus who survived into modern times. Her grandfather's voice agin was whispering in her ear. Princess, I must tell you the truth about your family.

A chill raked her flesh.

Royal blood.

She could not imagine.

Princess Sophie.

Why, yes, I think it is! c\~/

Remy, the butler, then asks to see Teabag. He goes off with some snappy dialog, leaving Sophie and Langdon alone.

We've just had sixteen pages of infodumping. Sixteen pages of infodump and the plot has completely stalled. Silas and the police are probably sitting around wanking off because of the amount of time it's taking for them to respond. All sense of urgency, of the fact that they're fugitives has been completely forgotten as they casually talk about the Grail as if it were a school lecture or something. Reading it I've completely forgotten the fact that there's a gun totting albino out to kill them all and that the police are looking for them. In this sort of book that's not what you want your reader to do. As mentioned before, it kills the tension. No tension, no reason to move on. For these past pages our heroes haven't been in danger. Or at least felt like they were in danger.

Oh. You get the point.

Drinks: 16
kippurbird: (lightsaber)
Ahh... the fun of the Emergency room. Four hours and peeing in a cup to discover, well they don't know what's wrong. Might be a virus, Better see your doctor. So, I'm going to do that on Monday. c\~/ <-- Tea

Meanwhile, on the DaVinci Code. We're finally (in theory)going to find out who the mysterious Grail is. If we recall, we now know it's a woman because DaVinci didn't paint a grail in the Last Supper picture. And Da Vinci is the be all end all know all on this subject. Right. c\~/

They gather in Teabag's study which is cluttered beyond belief. Apparently it's one of those organizational systems where the person knows where everything is. At least that's my guess. Anyway, Teabag gives us this wonderful line. It's one of those lines that are supposed to be full of wisdom and... just cliche. "Learning the truth had become my life's love," Teabing said. "And the Sangreal is my favorite mistress." He's a devoted man, isn't he? c\~/

So, we go on to show that there is a picture of the woman who is the Holy Grail, who Christ Himself claimed. Or so Teabag says. We look at the Last Supper. For visual reference as this is the part that they'll be talking about.

Looking at the figure on right of Jesus, Sophie sees, "As she studied the person's face and body, a wave of astonishment rose within her. The individual had flowing red hair, delicate folded hands, and the hint of a bosom. It was without a doubt... female." c\~/

Or a very pretty boy. Obviously Brown hasn't seen any Anime or Manga or else he'd know that. John apparently is often shown as a pretty young man, sometimes even sleeping on Jesus' shoulder. It's supposed to indicate how close they are. But my mind goes off into slashy places.

Anyway! We're assuming that Pretty Boy is a girl. Mary Magdalene to be exact. Who is not a prostitute according to Teabag. This is just another one of the Church's conspiracies to ... um... stop the Holy Grail, which is rea...


Previously Brown told us that the Holy Grail was really a sign for the Goddess and that when someone was searching for the Grail they were really looking for the goddess. Now Brown is telling us that the Holy Grail is really Mary Magdalene who was Jesus' wife... which the church suppressed because it would take away from Jesus' divinity. c\~/ c\~/

So, which one is it?

Brown just contradicted himself majorly. All this time we were being told it was the Church that was covering up and trying to hide the Goddess. The Goddess this. The Goddess that. Everything about the Goddess. The Chalice was really a symbol for the Goddess. The Goddess was wonderful. Everything would be better if we all believed in the Goddess.

And then, all of a sudden, out of left field, it's no longer the goddess, but Mary Magdalene. Who is NOT the goddess. In fact the fact that she is not divine is the entire point of why she's the problem. Jesus couldn't have married a mortal woman. Because, apparently, divine beings didn't do that. Though in the other mythologies they were doing it left, right, center and under the bed.

It's as if Brown couldn't decide which "conspiracy theory" he wanted to play with, so he did the first half with the Goddess and now he's going to do the second half with Mary Magdalene and pray that people don't notice. I imagine he figures that people are just going to skim this part (like they're doing with the rest of the book) to get to the good stuff, instead of the boring lecture stuff. c\~/c\~/c\~/

Teabag continues with his proof. Mary and Jesus are wearing mirroring colors. The negative space between them forms a "v" which, obviously stands for the chalice. We get another "v" shape on the other side of Jesus too. Does that mean he was banging the apostle Thomas too? Or that Thomas is really a woman in drag? Now that's a conspiracy!

Moving on. Teabag's final bit of evidence is that Mary and Jesus form an "M" which is a Very Big Coincidence. Yup. And that countless Grail related works also include a hidden "M". Which stands for "Matrimonio" or Mary Magdalene. Matrimonio is apparently Italian for wedding. If the M is supposed to stand for the fact that Jesus and Mary were Married. Then it's highly unlikely that the artists would use an "M" because "Married" doesn't start with an "M" in all languages. Nor does wedding. As indicated by the fact that it doesn't start with an "M" in English. Unless you turn the "W" upside down. c\~/ c\~/ c\~/

Now Teabag says that Jesus being married to Mary is a matter of record and highly more plausible than Jesus being a bachelor. Because, as Langdon says, Jesus was a Jew. "And the social decorum during that time virtually forbade a Jewish man to be unmarried. According to Jewish custom, celibacy was condemned, and the obligation for a Jewish father was to find a suitable wife for his son." Now why this is sort of true, it's not forbidden for a Jewish man to be unmarried. Instead it's forbidden for a married Jewish man not to have sex with his wife. In fact it's actually grounds for divorce in Judaism, if the woman isn't getting any. c\~/

According to the Jewish Encyclopedia "The following causes are recognized as entitling the wife to demand a bill of divorce from her husband: refusal of conjugal rights (Ket. v. 6); impotence (Ned. xi. 12); when the husband has some loathsome disease, or leprosy, or is engaged in some malodorous business (Ket. vii. 9); the husband's refusal to support her (Ket. 77a); cruel treatment anddeprivation of her lawful liberty of person (Ket. vii. 2-5, v. 5); wife-beating (Eben ha-'Ezer, 154, 3, gloss); the husband's apostasy (Maimonides, "Yad," Ishut, iv. 15)—"

Pretty good, I think.

But I digress. If anything the fact that Jesus didn't get married probably stemmed from the fact that he was busy banging John. They were probably in a pederastic relationship. After all the times were right for those sorts of things.

Teabag brings out a book of Gnostic Gospels and has them look at the Gospel of Philip. There they read a passage about Mary being Jesus' companion and kissing him on the mouth a lot.

And the companion of the Savior is Mary Magdalene. Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples were offended by it and expressed disapproval. They said to him, "Why do you love her more than all of us?"

I'm sorry... but did Jesus kiss the other guys on the mouth too? c\~/ That's some Orgy going on in the New Testament.

The Gospel of Philip actually says:c\~/

As for the Wisdom who is called "the barren," she is the mother of the angels. And the companion of the [...] Mary Magdalene. [...] loved her more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples [...]. They said to him "Why do you love her more than all of us?" The Savior answered and said to them,"Why do I not love you like her? When a blind man and one who sees are both together in darkness, they are no different from one another. When the light comes, then he who sees will see the light, and he who is blind will remain in darkness."

Missing words there. It's kinda like madlibs. "And the companion of the Flower Mary Magdalene. Turtle loved her more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on the mouth. The rest of the disciples drove. "

Companion apparently means "spouse" in Aramaic.

Sophie flashes back to when an angry priest banged on her grandfather's door. The priest was angry about an article that grandpa wrote that said that the Church shouldn't ban The Last Temptation of Christ by Martin Scorsese. Sophie wonders if Jesus had a girlfriend and Grandpa says would that be so horrible, and she's says that she wouldn't mind. c\~/

Then we go onto the Gospel of Mary Magdalene.

And Peter said, "Did the Saviour really speak with a woman without our knowledge? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did he prefer her to us?"

And Levi answered, "Peter, you have always been hot-tempered. Now I see you contending against the woman like an adversary. If the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. That is why he loved her more than us."

The actual text says :

1) When Mary had said this, she fell silent, since it was to this point that the Savior had spoken with her.

2) But Andrew answered and said to the brethren, Say what you wish to say about what she has said. I at least do not believe that the Savior said this. For certainly these teachings are strange ideas.

3) Peter answered and spoke concerning these same things.

4) He questioned them about the Savior: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us?

5) Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Savior?

6) Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered.

7) Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries.

8) But if the Savior made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Savior knows her very well.

9) That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Savior said.

10) And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.

Quite a bit of difference here. They're not talking about Mary, but instead what Mary has said in regards to what Jesus has told her. (It still sounds like Peter is jealous that he's not getting any though). c\~/

In the book (since this is the picture version) we see three paintings of the last supper showing Jesus with a woman. Two are the Last Supper by Jean Fouquet and one by Albrecht Durer. The supposed woman actually looks like a boy and goes on to prove my John theory. According to wikipedia "The Gospel of John contains references to the "disciple whom Jesus loved". Traditionally this was taken as a self reference by the author, and therefore a reference to John the Apostle." There's even article about a potential homosexual relationship between the two of them. So apparently I'm not too off the mark here.

Teabag continues on to say that Mary was a member of the Tribe of Benjamin and thus of royal descent. However it's the tribe of JUDAH that has that particular honor. Though by the time of Jesus the tribe of Benjamin had been completely absorbed into the tribe of Judah so that there was no difference between them. c\~/

He then says, "... It was not Mary Magdalene's royal blood that concerned the Church so much as it was her consorting with Christ who also had royal blood. As you know, the Book of Matthrew tells us that Jesus was of the House of David. A descendant of King Solomon -King of the Jews. By marrying into the powerful house of Benjamin, Jesus fused two royal bloodlines, created a potent political union with the potential of making a legitimate claim to the throne and restoring the line of kings as it was under Solomon."

And this is a bad thing... why? I thought that the Church didn't want Mary to be know because Jesus was married to her and therefor made him not divine. Not because they were both of royal blood. And besides, Herod would probably have more worry over this than the Church, if it were true. After all he was king at the time. I would think that the Church would find Jesus being able to make a legitimate claim for the throne a good thing. Because then he'd be able to rule the land and do good things. c\~/

The fact that there was a royal bloodline meant that they had a child. "Mary Magdalene was the Holy Vessel. She was the chalice the bore the royal bloodline of Jesus Christ. She was the womb that bore the lineage, and the vine from which the sacred fruit sprang forth!"

Um.. can someone explain to the poor Jew why this is a bad thing?

Thus, Teabag concludes, the Holy Grail is the story of Mary Magdalene and her child and NOT the goddess... which Brown had been saying all along. c\~/


I like the Sex between John and Jesus better.

Drinks: 19
kippurbird: (Pretty sane...except for the duck)
Sophie and Langdon get into Teabag's estate, Langdon hiding the cryptex in his coat jacket, saying that they'd stash it inside until they were sure they could trust Teabag. Oh and apparently Teabag has a strange sense of humor. Right. So, they're led into the drawing room and they hide the cryptex under divan. There's a lot of stuff devoted to the goddess in the room. \~/ Because everyone knows that the goddess has everything to do with the Holy Grail.

Teabag comes in calling Langdon "Sir Robert" and is apparently fat, unlike Ian McKellen who is skinny. And much better looking. And has a really awesome voice. And... yes. Teabag acts like a knight of old bowing to Sophie and calling her M'lady. He's supposed to be a character he is. \~/

We then get an infodump on what the Grail really is. BUT before we do that, Sophie tells Teabag what she knows which isn't much. And Teabag says, "Robert, I thought you were a gentleman. You've robbed her of the climax!" \~/ *facepalm*

Nothing sexual about that. Nope. Especially since right before that Teabag calls her a virgin (ie someone who doesn't know the truth about the Grail).

You know. Normally it's very easy for me to make the sexual innuendo jokes. I mean, Eragon loving his meat. Cole touching his Spirit Bear. But here? It's nearly impossible. It's not innuendo, it's utter blind spots. How can he NOT know what he's writing here? Marble Pillars. Robbing people of climaxes. It's like trying to paint an elephant on an elephant. Pointless. I feel cheated out of my sex jokes.

So, Teabag begins his lecture.

*Da Vinci hated the New Testament.
*The bible was collated by the Pagen Roman Emperor Constantine the Great (False) \~/
*Constantine was baptized on his deathbed too weak to protest. (false) \~/
*Constantine converted people to Christianity. (false) \~/
*Constantine shifted the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday. (false) \~/
*Constantine convened the Council of Nicaea. (True)
*The Vatican was around at that time. (False) \~/
*Gospels that said anything about Jesus being human was eliminated. (False) \~/
*People who chose the forbidden gospels were labeled heretics. (False) \~/
*The Dead Sea Scrolls contained gospels. (false) \~/
*Which tell the true story of the Holy Grail (false) \~/
*Which the Vatican tried to suppress. (false) \~/

Now, here's something curious, looking at this list.

If Constantine was forcibly converted on his deathbed because he was too weak to protest, why would he make people convert to Christianity, shift the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday, Convene the Council of Nicaea which decided if Jesus was a man or divine, compile which gospels were allowed in the NT and deem anyone a heretic who used the wrong gospels? I mean it'd be like my Rabbi doing that. Why would he care if he had no investment in the religion.

Unless Constantine did all of this after he died...?

Oh goody. Now Brown is hinting that Constantine is Jesus.


Damn... I'm out again.

After all of this, Teabag has Sophie take a look at DaVinci's Last Supper and asks her a few questions. The final one being, how many cups are there? Sophie answers "One" The Chalice. Instead there are thirteen cups. And not one a chalice. There for the Holy Grail is not a cup. This brings in mind Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In the end of the movie when they're surrounded by hundreds of Chalices, the bad guys pick the most beautiful and richest and fanciest cup there is... and die horribly. Indiana picks the plain mug. If the Chalice is really the cup that Christ drank from, this choice makes the most sense. After all, Christ wouldn't have known that his cup would become so important (like The Sash of Rassilon for example) and therefor would have used what everyone else was using. Also I imagine that it would be against character for him to have used something special because he was supposed to be humble and modest. Not being that is why he got mad at the Temple Priests. It would be hypocritical of him to rally against the priests for being overly decetant and then at his last dinner be using a big shiny cup. So, it makes perfect sense that there is no Chalice in the painting. \~/

And because of that, it certainly doesn't mean that there was no Holy Grail, after all DaVinic was hardly the be all know all end all master on the subject of Christ. If anything, from what Brown has been saying, he's rather like the anti-Christ. Which, then, would make sense for him to not paint in the Holy Grail, because he'd want to thumb his nose at those who believed in it. \~/

However, Brown, of course, comes to a different conclusion. That is, since DaVinci (who is the Anti-Christ) didn't paint in the Chalice, there mustn't be a Chalice which means that the Holy Grail is a person! \~/

A woman to be exact.

Langdon then talks about the original symbols of Male ^ and female v. The male ^ being a rudimentary phallus \~/ and the female v being called a chalice which is a symbol for a woman's womb. Which people probably didn't know about when that symbol was made and instead a symbol for a woman's vagina. But vagina's don't make very good cups, now do they? \~/

Continuing on, Genesis is apparently the down fall of the Goddess because it tells us that woman was made from the rib of Adam and there for an offshoot of man. "Genesis was the Beginning of the end for the goddess." Genesis was the Jewish tradition's creation of the world. In some Midrashic stories, they say that when man was created he was both male and female and that God split him in two so that he wouldn't be lonely. How's that for Sacred Feminine? =D Also the Goddess was probably just one of a myriad of gods worshiped at the time that Genesis was "written" (I put written in quotes because for a long time it was an oral tradition) and it seemed to do quite well until Christianity came along. So the idea that Genesis was the end of the Goddess is utterly ridiculous... unless he thinks that it took over four thousand years for it to end? (four thousand because according to the Jewish Calendar we're in the year 5000 something or another) which really... isn't that long. Nope. Not at all. \~/\~/

"The Grail," Langdon said, "Is symbolic of the lost goddess. When Christianity came along, the old pagan religions did not die easily. Legends of chivalric quests for the lost Grail were in fact stories of forbidden quests to find the lost sacred feminine. Knights who claimed to be "searching for the chalice" were speaking in code as a way to protect themselves from a Church that had subjugated women, banished the Goddess, burned nonbelievers and forbidden the pagan reverence for the sacred Feminine."


The woman who is the Chalice is quite well known in history and Teabag is quite happy to show her to us... later.

Meanwhile Remy who is Teabag's Alfred sees Langdon and Sophie on the news.

Bobbo gets word where the two of them are.

And Silas also manages to turn up at the estate. Apparently the Teacher told him where to go for the keystone.


Drinks: 27.

That's a new record.

kippurbird: (._.; ... Yeah..)
I'm doing this early in the hopes that I don't keel over and fall asleep.

Right. So.

The Banker, Andre, has a gun pointed at Sophie and Langdon. He has a duty to protect grandpa's assets which includes the box. Apparently he's heard that the two of them are wanted for FOUR murders now. How the fuck did this happen? Surely the must realize that Langdon was perhaps lecturing when the other three murders happened and that Sophie was at work? That there's no possible way that they could have done the previous three murders? That since the four murders are connected and Langdon and Sophie couldn't have done the first three that it's highly unlikely that they did the last? That the police should be looking for someone else then? And that the APB for the two of them should be called off? \~/

Logically speaking, after all.

Also. How have they even linked the murders. While I'm at it. The only thing linking them is Silas. Who no one ever saw... or something. Awfully convenient \~/

Andre doesn't want the box to become part of police evidence so he's going to shoot the two of them to get it back. Which would be a crime. Which would make the box part of the evidence of the crime. Which would put in police evidence. \~/

Langdon gives him the box, after getting shot at. He shoves the spent casing into the door jam however.

Andre needs two hands to pick up the box. So, he lays down the gun and picks up the box and tries to shut the door. Which jams. Which allows Langdon to knock him to the ground and beat him senseless. YAY RANDOM VIOLENCE! And Langdon and Sophie escape with the truck. \~/

Cellphone Bishop is driving off with lots of money. Twenty Million Euro's worth. And he's afraid that his teacher might not have been able to get in contact with him. \~/

Meanwhile Langdon and Sophie are trying to figure out what to do now that they have the codex thingy and where to go. The idea of turning over the keystone back to the Priory (if they even knew who was apart of it) is impossible because they've been compromised. The Priory that is. As Langdon stares at the broken bumper of the stolen trunk he starts to get an epiphany about Sophie's family, from the fact that Grandpa left her a phone message saying that he wanted to tell her about her family. \~/ Meanwhile Sophie tries to figure out what the code is to open the codex thingy. She tries "Grail", "Vinci" and "Voute". Apparently the letters are in English? Sopie then becomes the poor helpless female with this following thought.

Looking outside at Langdon, Sophie felt grateful he was with her tonight. P.S. Find Robert Langdon. Her grandfather's rational for including him was now clear. Sophie was not equipped to understand her grandfather's intentions, and so he had assigned Robert Langdon as her guide. A tutor to oversee her education.

Sophie, who has been trained by her grandfather in all sorts of puzzles and cryptology, who has been raised by her grandfather and knows his way of thinking better than anyone else, is not equipped to understand her grandfather, but some guy who never met her father is. Yes. That makes perfect sense. For all his talk about the feminine mystique and things like that Brown seems to be remarkably interested in turning his female lead into sounding board for Langdon to sound intelligent at. Out of all the puzzles that they've solved she's only solved one. And she's supposed to be the trained cryptologist and Langdon's just the guy who knows symbols about the holy grail. If anything he should be helping her. \~/ \~/ \~/ Sophie is essentially useless here. Just a device for Brown to expose his theories. \~/

So, they drive on and Langdon suggests that they go find a friend of his another Grail Scholar who lives near Versailles. After some discussion they decide that his friend Teabing, here after referred to as Teabag, is worth trying. He apparently knows more about the Holy Grail than anyone outside the Priory. Oh and it's Sir Leigh Teabag. Apparently his name is Brown being cute again \~/ "Leigh Teabing's name is actually an anagram of the surnames of Richard Leigh and Michael Baigent — authors of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, a real book which espouses very similar beliefs to Teabing's (in the novel, Teabing explicitly refers to this book). Teabing's physical description resembles that of Henry Lincoln, the third author of that book. " Wikipedia. I think Brown likes Anagrams a bit too much. Which is why he ended up with such a stupid last name as Teabing. \~/ \~/ \~/

Teabag hates the French. He's made his house his own little British Ilse with the signs made in English and the intercom on the English Driver's side of the road. Teabag is also infirm with crutches and and leg braces from a bought of Polio which is supposed to refer to the Fisherking. \~/ . Teabag asks them three questions to get into the gate and test their honor. They involve asking if Langdon would like tea or coffee (tea) what would he like in his tea (lemon, in Earl Grey) and what year did a Harvard sculler last outrow an Oxford man at Henly? (such a travesty has never occurred)\~/ This proves that Langdon's heart is true and he may enter. Cute? No? \~/

Meanwhile the LoJack on the on the armored truck gets activated by Andre.

That's enough for tonight. I think.

Drinks: 17
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
Brown does address Langdon's claustrophobia. "Riding inside the dimly lit cargo hold of the armored truck was like being transported inside a cell for solitary confinement. Langdon fought the all-too-familiar anxiety that haunted him in confined spaces. Vernet said he would take us a safe distance out of the city. Where? How far? " That's it. That's all the attention Brown gives to Langdon's debilitating claustrophobia. Langdon then proceeds to act normally and get curious about the box. While I do not have any debilitating phobias, I do have panic attacks. And when I get panic attacks, I can't function. My first response is to go and hide under something, curl up in a fetal position and hope that it all goes away. And then, I'm shaky for hours to days later after a really bad one. The box, if Langdon really suffered from claustrophobia, should have been completely forgotten. His only desire should be "Get me out of this truck!" But that would actually be character development, \~/

Once such things like that are out of the way, we can focus, instead, on the thing in the box. It gets more character description than Langdon's phobia. "In contrast to the warm colors of the rosewood box, the inlaid rose had been crafted of a pale wood, probably ash, which shone clearly in the dim light. The Rose. Entire armies and religious had been built on this symbol, as had secret societies. The Rosicrucians. The Knights of the Rosy Cross." Obviously this box is more important than Langdon. A theme of the book, objects and thingies are more important than people and their motives. People are just around to show how clever Brown is at making puzzles and things.

To further prove my point, Brown introduces a new thingy. \~/ Thingy is now my new technical term for all the puzzle things that Brown keeps on throwing at us. "

Crafted of polished white marble, it was a stone cylinder approximately the dimensions of a tennis ball can. More complicated than a simple column of stone, however, the cylinder appeared to have been assembled in many pieces. Five doughnut-sized disks of marble had been stacked and affixed to one another with in a delicate brass framework. It looked like some kind of tubular, mutliwheeled kaleidoscope. Each end of the cylinder was affixed with an end cap, also marble, making it impossible to see inside. Having heard liquid with in, Langdon assumed the cylinder was hollow.

As mystifying as the construction of the cylinder was, however, it was the engravings around the tube's circumference that drew Langdon's primary focus. Each of the five disks had been careful carved with the same unlikely series of letters - the entire alphabet. The lettered cylinder reminded Langdon of one of his childhood toys - a rod threaded with lettered tumblers that could be rotated to spell different words.

We don't know what alphabet it is though. (However there are twenty six letters)

Grandpa used to make them as a hobby. Leonardo Da Vinci invented them.

Of course. \~/

Grandpa apparently likes building some of Da Vinci's obscure thingies.

Of course. \~/

Blah, blah, Da Vinci cryptology pioneer, blah, blah, Da Vinci is so wonderful, blah, blah, Brown is in love with him, blah, blah, Brown writes romance Fan Fiction about Da Vinci... Blah... blah... Da Vinci is so clever. Blah Blah blah blah... Brow worships the ground Da Vinic walked on...\~/, \~/, \~/

Langdon then goes a ramble \~/ about how the rose and the Grail are the same. Lots of talk about rose symbolism and the Priory.

Langdon quickly explained that the Rose's overtone of secrecy was not the only reason the Priory used it as a symbol for the Grail Rosa rugosa one of the oldest species of rose, had five petals and pentagonal symmetry., just like the guiding star of Venus, giving the Rose strong iconographic ties to womanhood. In addition, the Rose had close ties to the concept of "true direction" and navigating one's way. The Compass Rose helped travelers navigate, as did Rose Lines, the longitudinal lines on maps. For this reason, the Rose was a symbol that spoke of the Grail on many levels - secrecy, womanhood, and guidance - the feminine chalice and guiding star that led to secret truth.

Epiphany time for Langdon again. \~/ this time for the SubRosa bit. Apparently this stone cylinder is the Keystone which is the where the map to the Grail is located according to Priory lore. The one that Silas is looking for. That's the gist of Langdon explaining what a keystone is to Perky Tits. \~/ There's some blathering about how the grail isn't a cup again, but what it really is will have to wait for later, \~/ Oh and Perky Tits' Dad was the Grand Master. Whoopie. Who didn't know that by now? I mean really. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Grandpa was Da Vinci himself. Maybe he built himself a time travel machine and ... traveled to the future to ... wait... no... never mind. That might actually be interesting. Sorry. \~/

As they bump along suddenly they realize they're no longer on the highway anymore. The Truck stops. The door opens in back. And Andre has a gun with him pointing at them, apologizing.
kippurbird: (>:D Heh)
Note: Reading fic where Harry is about as naive in the matters of sex as my shoes and likes to wear panties for Uncle Sev who gets hard just thinking about that is a bad bad bad idea. \~/ *takes a drink to purge the memories.*

Now that Brown seems to be getting the hang of chapter endings, he needs to work on his character POV choices. In this chapter Langdon and P.T. Escape with the help of Andre the Banker who gets them into a bank truck and locks them in before driving off and tricking the police into thinking that he's just the driver. All very good and exciting, however, it's from the wrong person's POV. It's from Andre's. And we're not emotionally invested in Andre (we're not emotionally invested in anyone, but let's pretend that we are) and so we don't particularly care about him. We want to know how Langdon is feeling about finding the mysterious thingy and what it must be and having to rush through the bank to the loading dock (Which we don't see) and then having to get into the small enclosed space (he's claustrophobic) to escape. Hell, that should have been a scene in it's self. Langdon protesting about getting in there, there has to be another way, P.T. and Andre convincing him they have to go, get in the truck, him getting in there warily. If we had seen this we might have actually cared about him. But instead he just gets into the truck. He doesn't even get a full sentence either, "As Sophie and Langdon climbed in,..." No emotional hint that he might be having problems with such an enclosed space or anything. This is a defining moment here for Langdon. Can he get into the small space and get away or is his phobia going to hold him back. In fact this phobia should have been showing up a lot more. It's a weakness of his and one that should be exploited.

Instead of such tight drama we go back to Silas. Who's just punished himself...sorry Disciplined himself. FINALLY page 202 in my copy, he learns that he's going to have being going after someone else, that the information has been transfered. But he doesn't find out who. We know who, because we are "clever" like that.

I'd do more, but I'm late for work. WHEE... And the next chapter is long.
kippurbird: (Default)
So, we continue on for our search of meaning in the Code, which is turning out to be like the search for the Holy Grail, chasing after a myth.

We're at the Swiss Bank. Yay! They stick their key into things. Yay! They get into an elevator. Yay! The Guard calls the manager and tells him about the two fugitives that walked into the bank. Yay! They get to the Vaults. Yay! They learn about the Keys. Yay! The Banker locks them inside. YAY! Fache learns where they are. Yay! Kippur falls asleep. YAY! \~/

And now we get to learn all about Andre Vernet, president of the Paris Branch of the Swiss Bank. How he wants to buy a house and have a wine cellar and modeled his sleeping habits after the Maasai warriors. This is something that Robert Jordan tends to do. He introduces a character, tells us everything about them down to what sort of cheese they like and then we never see them again. It's not that important for us to know everything about Andre Vernet. His likes, his dislikes and his shoe size. It's not important to the plot. It doesn't impact anything. It's just there. We could learn more about the guy from his reactions to Langdon and his Perky Titted friend or a few well worded sentences when he's introduced to them.\~/

Mr. Vernet knows P.T's. Grandfather. They were close friends. I'm sorry, dear friends. \~/ I'm beginning to get annoyed at how many people are involved in this thing. It's getting ridiculous. Next thing you know, the bum on the street will be part of this conspiracy. In any case the reason for the guy knowing her Grandfather is so that he'll feel obligated to get Langdon and her out of the bank and to safety. Which is rather convenient as oppose to them having to actually try and figure out a way. After all, connections are connections are connections. And connections are great for getting your characters out of a locked vault. Because, if you remember in our previous chapter, that's what happened to them. So, once you have your characters painted into a corner (Or in this case, locked in a vault) you're in a very difficult situation. Ideally you wouldn't do that to them. But if you do, then you need to rewrite it so that they're not trapped... or give them an easy way out. Brown takes the later choice. \~/

First, however, they have to get into the vault. Which needs a code. Which no one has. And the police are on the way. And they need to get into the lockbox. While they try to figure out what to do, they make poor Andre uncomfortable by asking him if he's a member of the Priory. Which he denies. Of course.\~/

So, the police are coming. They can't get into the lock box, and then Langdon has an epiphany, \~/. The numbers from the dirty limerick are also the numbers for the lock box. Isn't that a coincidence? \~/ So, they enter the code. There's some blathering about should they do it in order given or in the actual sequence. They decided the actual sequence. They get the box. It's very big. There's a brief section where we get to see the interior of the vault described as a crypt with an arm gently removing the box. They open they lock box. There's something inside. It's heavy. It has a five petal rose which is the sign of the Holy Grail. Langdon is doubtful that the box contains it though... because... even though it can hold a chalice... it's not supposed to be a chalice. In fact the thing inside is NOT the chalice... but instead...Grandpa's special bootleg brew. \~/\~/

Drinks: nine

February 2016

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