kippurbird: (Default)
I've started the last chapter of the book and I've been feeling a bit funny about it. It’s the strange feeling that I’ve been having since I realized that yes, this is the last chapter and after this It’s just some clean up. Sure the book isn’t going to be headed out the publisher until May, but this is pretty much the end of the actual writing.

One thing I’ve learned about myself years ago is that I hate endings. I hate finishing things, especially things that I’m creating. When I worked at the library I was always loathed to finish projects that I was given, dragging them out until the last minute. When I had homework assignments or art pieces I was working on I would linger until I couldn’t any more – or in the case of the artwork, not finish it at all.

It’s a very odd reason why, and it’s possibly an autistic reason as well. If I finish something then it stops existing. The end product is there but there’s no more creation involved. It’s gone from me. There’s nothing more that I can do to it. I don’t feel relieved or proud of myself for finishing it, I feel sad because I don’t have it to work on any more. Finished is ending, it’s in a way a death. It’s no longer connected to me.

Sure the project that I made still exists. This book will still exist once I’m finished with it after all. It will exist more readily than it does sitting on my harddrive, my Google drive, the flashdrive and the binder on my bookshelf. (Redundancy saving is important. I learned this when I was doing my Master’s Thesis and my laptop decided to crash.) It will exist in (hopefully) hundreds and hundreds of different copies. It will not have stopped existing but multiplied in its existence.

But I wouldn’t have control over it any more. It’s become frozen. A nothing. An aspect of my autism is that I need to know what’s going on at all times and try to control it as much as possible. It’s a way that I can understand what’s happening around me and to be sure I know what to expect. The more I know what to expect the less anxious I am. I always live in a state of anxiety this is just one way I control it. When I hand in something I’ve lost control over it.

When this book is finally given to the Publisher all spangled and done I will have lost control of it.

And that’s very scary.

It brings in too many what ifs.

That’s one of the reasons why I like deadlines. If it wasn’t for them I would never get anything done. I to know when it has to be finished because I hate not being on time. Which is what a deadline is for, making sure something gets done on time.

So, this chapter is bittersweet for me. It’s one step closer to being published and holding a book in my hands that I wrote and yet at the same time something that I have worked on for over a year to get done being finished and, in its own way, dying.
kippurbird: (:D)
I got incredibly lucky today.

Today was the day of visiting the state doctor who would see if I was telling the truth for the disability insurance appointment. I was dreading this because trying to convince people that I have Asperger's syndrome is a very tedious task sometimes. Being high functioning sucks at points like this.

After filling out a ridiculous amount of paperwork with some ridiculous questions that I didn't understand but I imagine they were there for other things beyond just my sort of stuff we - my mom and I - met with the doctor. He didn't want to let my mom in, but I insisted. She promised to stay quiet.

The Doctor and I started going through the form and he asked me questions. When we got to the diagnosis of the Asperger's he wanted to know who diagnosed me. He asked this sort of sharply. So I told him the name of the person who diagnosed me.

Everything changed when I told him.

You see, the doctor turns out to be 1. The guy who helped create the definition of Asperger's syndrome. 2. The guy who mentored the person who diagnosed me. They wrote like fifty papers together. 3. The guy who was my brother's physician when my brother was in the hospital for help after he was first diagnosed. 4. He'd heard of my personal shrink, who was a student at the same place he worked at.

He spent the next ten minutes talking about how much he liked working with the person who diagnosed me and how wonderful she was and he and my mom chatted. She told him how much he did for my brother and how wonderful it was to see him again. Etc. Etc.

After that he said that he'd get things put in order for us and didn't ask any more questions. Apparently the diagnosis from his student was good enough for him.

It was such a relief though to not have to convince him of the Asperger's. Here was one guy who knew what he was talking about!

Now I just have to get through Thursday.

Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!
kippurbird: (Chibi Greywolf)
This was on the radio today. I thought it was relevant to our interests. It is disturbing to see the rise of the - as they say - preventable diseases.

x-posted to [ profile] asperger
kippurbird: (Gekco)
Sometimes the autism can be hazardous to my health for two reasons, one I have a high pain tolerance and two I have to actually think things through.

Sunday I was going over to my parent's place so we could run some errands and I was going to take my laptop with me. Easy enough. Or so you would think!

I went to unplug the cord from the uninterrupted power source thingamawhatchit. My fingers touched the metal prongs of the plug while it was still connected to the socket. Cue electrocution. I felt my hand and arm going all ripply.

Cue pain tolerance: It didn't hurt.

Cue autism: Gee, that's a really funky feeling there. I wonder what's going on. Oh, I think it's because I'm touching the metal prongs and they're still plugged in. I guess I should remove my hand.

Cue removing hand and staring at it: Oh I guess I just electrocuted myself.

Cue autism again: I want t do it again. It felt funky!

Cue common sense kicking in: No wait, that's a bad thing, isn't it?

Cue autism: Oh. Right! Electrocuting yourself is bad!. I won't do it again.

Common sense: Good!

Autism: *longing look at the plug for a second*

Common sense: BAD. *whaps with newspaper*

Which is really a big problem with me and I think other autistic people. We don't have a survival instinct. That fight or flight thing that gets me out of the way of a moving truck. Nope! A moving truck is coming my way and I'll be thinking "Gee, there's a truck coming my way. I wonder what I should do about it. It looks like it might hit me. I wonder what that would feel like. I bet it would be an interesting experience."

As opposed to, "OHMIAGAWD TRUCK! MOVE!!!"

I actually had to learn how to not do such things like stand in the middle of the road and stare down a truck. (That is an extreme example and I never actually did that.)

I guess non-autistic people just aren't interested in having interesting experiences.
kippurbird: (Gekco)
I've started a new writing project.

I call it a writing project because it's not a novel or a short story, but it is a project. It's fifty 1,000 word essays on an autistic perspective of life and interacting with the non-autistic world. The topics are rather random and all based on personal experience. If you ask me for a topic list, I couldn't give you one, because I don't have one. It's whatever comes to mind.

The essays will be put together in alphabetical order by essay title, thus not assigning any value to one essay over the other. Also, it makes it easier for me to figure out what order to put them in. Randomness is random.

It shall be called 1,000 words, fifty essays on the autistic life experience.
kippurbird: (What goes on in Kippur's head)
Several things I'd like to know:

Who or what do I have to sacrifice to who or what to get that damn leak fixed. It's right over my bed and has been fixed three times and yet it still leaks in the same spot. Clearly, proper
rituals have not been cast or done.

I honestly don't want to have to get the rain fly out of my tent and put it over my bed. That'd just be silly.

Why is it that I only get into a good writing mood when I have to go to sleep? Here I am, crawling towards eleven in the evening and all of a sudden my brain goes.


But I have to go to BEEEED!!!

But I wanna WRIIIIITTEE!!!

I HAVE TO BE UP AT SIIIIIXXX.. actually I'll be woken up at six by the cat... same difference?



You suck.

You too.


I'm starting to wonder if going off my Paxcil was a good thing or not. It was done on doctor's recommendation, so I'm not just doing it willy-nilly. But all of a sudden the emotional numbness that I have been in for so long has just... gone away and I'm getting... feelings of annoyance, anger, crankiness in higher degrees than I'm used to. It's making it difficult to reorganize my responses. It's very weird feeling. No numbness or anything. I'm not overly anxious but... I am having emotional responses to things that I didn't have before.

Also, I'm not dead tired in the middle of the day. Which is a good thing. But now I have to figure out what to do with this time because I used to nap and I don't really need to any more. Just about a half hour now to decompress from work and sitting on the freeway. It's a change in routine and weeeeird.
kippurbird: (Gekco)
Going down to Comic Con tomorrow. By myself. This is the first time I've ever done something like this. I'm very nervous and excited. It's a very normal adult thing to do. I've pretty much done everything by myself. Found a place to stay, registered, gotten my pass, got food to eat for lunches and dinners, planned stuff, written my paper.

I will be completely reliant on me. No one else.

Though I do know if something happens my parents are merely a phone call and two and a half hour's drive away.

Still, for an autistic person, this is a huge step.
kippurbird: (._.; ... Yeah..)
First because cats make everything better: A cat

Now for a mulchy mix of moo'foory. I'm not sure who is to blame for it. Could be me.

long ramble is long )
kippurbird: (paint drying)
I didn't go into work today. I generally don't the day I start taking mah anti-psychotic. I dropped the cat off at the vet to get his teeth cleaned and I seriously need to get insurance for him. It was 209 bucks for his teeth cleaning. The insurance I'm looking at pays 90% which would be 20 bucks for me, I think. He was not a happy kitty, especially since he couldn't eat past midnight.

After that I slept for a bit and then went and ran some errands with my mom. Coming back, I had about an hour or so before I needed to pick up the cat. So, I cleaned. I did two loads of laundry, the dishes, cleaned the kitchen counters, my bathroom and the kitchen floor and picked up my room. Also, I replaced the cat litter so he's got a nice new thing of it.

I would have moved furniture, but I like where everything is.

I also made pumpkin bread during that hour or so.

So, yeah. Productive.

Adopt one today!
kippurbird: (Nugan)
Actual content!

The train crash in Chatsworth, they're saying, might have been caused because the engineer was texting at the time. TEXTING! He's driving a lethal weapon for all intents and purposes with no ability to steer out of the way of any dangers because he's on a track and he might have been busy texting. What sort of society have we come to that people can't put down their phones and need to talk to people about trivial things in situations that require their complete attention? I think we might have been better off before all of this great leaps of technology.

This really bothers me a lot, beyond the death toll (being the deadliest crash in the United States in fifteen years). See, the train was on the same tracks that my brother takes to come home and go back to Santa Barbra. And I can't help thinking, well what if it was his train? How am I supposed to be assured of his safety if the damn driver can't pay attention to what he's doing?

And this goes to everyone really. I mean California had to pass a law that forbids people from talking on the cell phone while driving. Now I admit to this folly myself and I was definitely stupid for doing so. But it's just so easy, isn't it?

You pick up the phone and you can double check what time your doctor's appointment is, get that phone interview done or just talk to friends. My mom despises her cell phone and doesn't give out her number to anyone. She has it set on private. She also doesn't hear it ring about 80% of the time, no matter how high the volume is. Her hearing just doesn't pick up those sounds.

Still, I think she has a bit of a point. I see people walking around all the time on their phones. Sometimes there are two people walking with each other talking to two different people, other times one is on the phone and one isn't. Which is rude. After all you're with someone, so you should be paying attention them. Before we had such easy access to cellphones we just had our answering machines. I actually remember when we first got ours. It was a marvelous invention for us. People could call us and still give us their message even if we weren't home! And then when we got home we could see who called us and return their message.

We weren't too busy then, or caught up in our need to communicate. We were more in the world. I go on vacation to places and see bored looking kids walking right pass things as they talk on their phones, not even bothering to stop and look. They might as well just stay in their rooms as they don't seem to have any need for human contact.

Oh dear, this turned out to be a bit rantier and longer than I expected. I guess this is an issue that has been bothering me.


Another thing.

Listening to NPR last week -Friday I think it was - and they were interviewing this kid with aspergers, but for once weren't focusing on the aspergers but instead on his clinical depression. The subject was about how he was getting ready to go to college and how he'll deal with things that come up because of his mental illnesses (his words, not mine).

One of the things he said was that he'd tell teachers that he'd have some weird behaviors and they shouldn't worry about it. These included hand flapping and getting up to pace. The thing is, in my opinion, he shouldn't do those behaviors in the first place. They're not socially appropriate things to do in a classroom. He needs to learn how not to do them.

Yeah it's hard, Lord knows I have problems with sitting still, but I can't get up and pace when I'm at work. It's not appropriate. Nor is the hand flapping. It marks me as different and people will be nervous about dealing with me. Especially when I'm working up front.

I mean, how would you feel if you came up to the front desk of a library and there was this person hand flapping? Likely you wouldn't think they worked there. I don't think I would. I would probably think that they were someone who worked there's kid. You don't get any respect like that.

Instead of telling the teachers that he is going to indulge in odd behavior, he should instead learn how to control it. It'll make it that much easier when he goes into the work place and not get him fired.

Finally, on a more humorous note, my roommate is calling the day before the election bikini wax day. Because who ever wins, we'll be getting rid of our Bush.
kippurbird: (Abandon hope)
NPR is such a fascinating listen to. You get good and My GOD they're stupid all on the same show.

Today while driving into work I heard a news bit where the cases of measles in the country so far this year is almost triple the number of cases there were in total last year. One of the reasons, the reporter said, is because parent's aren't giving their children the vaccinations. Thus their children get it and pass it on to others including infants. The reasoning given for not taking the vaccinations being that it would cause autism.

Let us think about that for a moment. You can A. give your child a vaccination that would protect them from a potentially deadly disease and has been proven over and over again that it doesn't cause autism or B. not give your child the vaccinations and thus leave them vulnerable to potentially life threatening diseases.

A child with autism is perfectly healthy. While often providing their parents with highly difficult and stressful situations, physically and health wise they are fine. They are just like any other healthy individual.

By not vaccinating their children the parents are increasing the chance of the children getting infectious and deadly diseases. This is why the vaccinations are given in the first place, so that they won't get sick. Mumps? Polio? All gone because of the vaccinations. So is small pox. All of these would be far worse than a child with autism. Polio often times crippling their victims for example. Or of course, killing them. Again, something I think everyone would agree would be far worse than a child with autism. You can get affection from a child with autism. You can't with a dead one.

In a way then, these parents are saying that they'd rather risk their children's health over a proven non-existent problem. And that is hardly good parenting at all.
kippurbird: (Space Kitty)
You know you're autistic when...

Saturday, my mom, brother, and I went to the hardware store to pick up various hardware type things. As we were leaving I noticed that they had those machines with the eggs that you can get for a dollar. One of them had the Disney Princesses. As my mom collects Cinderella, I mentioned this to her and she got a dollar of change to try and get one. She got Snow White. I then noticed that they had a Ratatouille one with little things you can hang on your cellphone. I have a friend who's a big fan of the movie, so I got her one.

It was the brother, Émile. My brother sees this and wants to get one too. So, he goes off and gets change. He gets Auguste Gusteau. My mom then decides she wants one too, but one of the rodents. Eventually it gets a bit out of hand and we spend about six dollars on the machine, including going back after we got to the car twice. We got four rats: Two of Remy, one of Émile, and one of Django. Plus we got one of Auguste Gusteau and one of Alfredo Linguini. The three of us spent about a good half hour doing this.

It was the highlight of our day.

Which, I think, is very autistic because I don't think non-autistic people would get so crazy over egg machine toys.
kippurbird: (Sex Rite)
In regards to the lovely Yaoi picture. I want to get a sketchbook and draw only porn like situations in it. Of people kissing and undressed, becoming undressed and things like that. Just all sorts of "naughty" things. Especially yaoi. Then when people look at it, I can say, "Oh, I'm just practicing my anatomy" smiling with an utterly innocent smile.

Part of the reason why I'd like to do such a thing (beyond the humor) is because SO many people seem to think that autistic people are incapable of having those sorts of thoughts. We only draw perfectly innocent things like buildings and um... kittens and flowers. The fact that I draw fantasy like things and people often shock them. They see me drawing and want to look at the kittens and instead find people and elves and things. It's really amusing their reactions. They get their patronizing look on and then they actually see what I'm drawing and stutter to a stop. You can see their mental trains derail. They pick it up rather quickly and continue to be patronizing, but still, for a brief moment they're confused.

It's funny.

I printed out the yaoi picture and taped it onto my cabinet at work. I outlined it first so it's more visible. I'm wondering if I should put it on my other wall where it's more visible. I think I shall.
kippurbird: (*headdesk*)
Chapter twenty seven. Pt1

Looong )

I'm stopping here. It's a long chapter. And it's taking me forever to get through it.
kippurbird: (Parakeet crossing)
I believe that in this post I forgot to mention somethings about the situation I was in.

To set up the proper context I shall tell you this story.

In the Autism/asperger's group I belong to there's one member named John. John is fairly functioning, but the biggest problem is that he need permission to do anything. Well, not everything, but it seems like it. At the meetings, for example, he'll go over to the food table and stare at it. He'll rock and stare at it until someone says, "It's okay John you can get food" or something similar to that. Then he'll take food.

Another story.

A long while ago, when I was still in summer camp -high school age- I came across a t-shirt I wanted. It was an Animaniacs t-shirt that they were selling on Venice Beach. I really wanted the shirt but I didn't know if it was okay for me to buy it. Later on, when I told my mom about it, she said, "If I have the money I could buy the shirt". Ever since then I'd buy shirts on my own, because I knew it was okay. Pants on the other hand, I didn't buy because I couldn't generalize out that shirts = all clothing. And so only recently did I learn that if I wanted pants, I could buy them. And learned that if I wanted a particular piece of clothing I could buy it as long as I had the money.

It's not that I needed my mother's approval so much as I need to know that it's okay. It's safe. It's the right thing to do. And no, I can't just not say "I know it's okay, I'm going to do it". It's the autism, where I need to know that it's okay and that it's safe. It's a mental concrete wall and it's the same as John needing to be told he can eat the food.

Admittedly the situation is slightly different, but I still need the reassurance that yes, I'm doing the right thing. That this is allowed.

Which is why I can't just go out and bind my breasts.

Does that make sense?
kippurbird: (paint drying)
We started the Star Wars campaign on Saturday. One of the things that the DM has us do is write POVs about the session. Don't know why... but there you go. One of the players who couldn't make it because of Real Life problems, wanted to know if my character was gay. See, my character for the D&D campaign is gay and so being the guy that he is, wanted to know if my Star Wars character was also gay. I replied that yes and that he was having an incestuous relationship with his twin brother. The funny thing is, I RP the guy on LJ and yes he does have an incestuous relationship with his twin brother. I know that's all ew and stuff...but it just sort of happened that way. It's complicated. So, I just found that amusing.

Also, it looks like bossman maybe changing my job yet again. He wanted to know if I knew how to check in new books and when I said I didn't he said he should teach me how.

Finally, I hate being face blind. There are two guys who work at the bookstore that have black hair and I keep on mixing them up. It's frustrating and embarrassing.
kippurbird: (Vampire! Oogah Boogah!)

Because, you know, Autism is like Darfur, it took me three tries to make this bugger.

Fortunately ZOMIBES


Are the answer to everything.

And yes, they're totally stealable.
kippurbird: (Feanor Hates You)
More stupid people.

Utah is apparently approving a bill that calls for a registry of autistic people. The reasoning for this is rather ridiculous and once again goes to the idea that people with disabilities have no privacy.

The Utah Registry of Autism and Developmental Disabilities, or URADD, would contain medical histories and would be available to researchers.
"The [autism] research is currently underway, but there isn't enough data to make it meaningful," said the bill's sponsor, Rep. Eric Hutchings, R-Kearns. "That's the big hole we're dealing with."

Emphasis mine. But from the sound of it these medical histories would be available to the researchers without consent from parent or individual. And why would the state even NEED to have a person's complete medical histories on file in the first place?

Autistic people aren't criminals but the idea of the registry is like the Sex Offenders registry. Will people be able to look up if there's going to be an autistic person living next to them and forbid their children to go near them?

No where in the article does it say WHY the people need to be registered and what benefit will it have.

And why aren't they registering other people with disabilities? Surely they have just as much problems and things as autistic people, but they aren't even mentioned. Only autism is picked on.

Which is utterly disgusting.
kippurbird: (Duck of doom)
Report from the conference. Because everyone wanted to hear about that.

First, the portfolio with the naked people. While they didn't say anything, the people did tend to linger on the pictures with a sort of puzzled expression on their faces. Like they couldn't believe they were seeing what they were seeing.

Second: I had these pair of paintings up:
To save friends list )

A woman comes up to them and looking at them says to me, "I like how you incorporated the puzzle pieces in the background for Autism."

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about. After all, I had no puzzle pieces in any of my pictures, but when I did I said, "They're not puzzle pieces, it's a stained glass window."

She looked at me and went "Oh" and then walked off.

Third thing. The CAN (or Autism Speaks) guy was right next to our table. My mom, rather gleefully showed him our pamphlet. And I mean gleefully. He seemed to have a confused reaction. Later my mom showed me one of their pamphlets where upon it said that, "Autism is a disorder that can last a lifetime in most children". So, where do the children go when their autism vanishes, I wonder? It is a life time thingy as it is the way we're born, rather like blue eyes. It also said, "One child every twenty minutes is born with the affliction of autism much to the parent's despair" which is really nice to read. These poor kids are afflicting their parents. I'm sure my mom thought I was afflicting her.

My mom talked to the guy for a good half hour trying to convert him, but it didn't work. =( He said, though, that my mom had given him to think about.
kippurbird: (>:D Heh)
In the autism world there is CAN (Cure Autism Now) Which is apparently now the more PC Autism Speaks. But their Mode of Operandi is still the same. They wish to cure autism.

My mother and I as well as others find this offensive. So, as a counter measure we have created C.A.N-T (Cure all Neuro-Typicals) . At the autism conference we're going to next weekend we're going to be handing out pamphlets and selling CAN'T buttons. We also have some CAN'T tee-shirts and a hat on sale at my Cafepress shop. But I don't see those going anywhere any time soon.

Also, in preparation for the conference I've been putting together a portfolio of artwork for the art show. The parents seem to think that I just draw rather benign pictures, because I'm autistic and... that's all I can do. So, I've included several pictures of naked people, some of whom are wearing collars. :D

February 2016

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